A whole week had passed since the day the interview had been filmed and the prison was finally starting to settle down after all of the excitement. It had started off with outsiders inside the prison, including a pretty blonde presenter who several of the women had taken a fancy too, then progressed into an authorised wrestle between the ex top dog and the ex ex top dog, and had gotten even better when Miss Westfall and gotten all weak at the knees over her lover's efforts and kissed her in front of the majority of the prison and had ended in Bea Smith transforming in front of their eyes from the meek doughy eyed memory loss victim to the hard arsed Queen Bea who seemed to remember most things.
Rumour's had been rife, everyday getting more ridiculous before Bea had finally made an announcement in the canteen that she had been regaining memories for months but had kept it quiet whilst she attended daily counselling to come to terms with the things she was remembering and they all needed to just accept it and stop gossiping. And they had, when Queen Bea demanded respect, only the idiotic or the psychotic refused her. Soon after the gossip had turned to the affair of Frankie Doyle and the prison psych.
After having enough of hearing Frankie's name dragged through the mud, and Bridget's good character be slandered, Boomer had finally lost her temper and threatened anyone who spread any more rumors about the two women would be handled personally by herself.
Juice had made some comment about Boomer being a screw lover now her best friend was fucking one, to which Bea had faced off with Juice, her eyes full of anger as she backed the short overweight woman against the wall and without needing to lay a finger on her, allowed her words to be the only threat needed. She had defended Frankie, saying that the ex inmate had gotten her shit together and was now working to get the women locked up better chances of release with her help, she was fighting a system that saw them all as wastes of air and if Juice ever wanted to see the outside world she would be wise to keep her trap shut and be a little kinder to Frankie. She had also warned Juice about spreading malicious rumors about an illicit affair, Bridget had gone out of her way for most of the women on the inside, had pushed for better medical care, better education, better rec time activities and better recovery programs and a lot of people would be pissed if Juice ruined it for them by getting her sacked over something that wasn't even true. Juice had smirked, a disgusting comment on the tip of her tongue when Bea glared at her icily and shut her down. Juice had been extremely quiet ever since, making herself scarce whenever Bea or any of the H1 crew were around.
"Novak, visitor for you" Jake Stewart announced, pulling Allie from her musings.
"For me? I don't have any visits lined up, who is it?" Allie asked, removing herself from her position wedged between Boomer and Maxi as they sat on the couch watching some panel show that was discussing the hour long documentary of her and her friends from the night before. She glanced at the table where Bea sat drawing, noticing the woman shrug to say she knew nothing about it.
"Get yourself along and you will find out… I'm not your personal assistant" Jake snapped, causing the women in the unit to glare at him. Allie smiled at Bea to let her know she was ok and wasn't to let Mr Stewart piss her off with his rudeness. She followed him out of the unit and towards the visitor room. She entered it and glanced around, wondering if it could be Frankie who was visiting, but when she saw her mother sat at a table, glancing around the room nervously her heart sunk. She stood rooted to the spot, wanting to run straight back to the safety of her friends, but also wanting to find out what the woman wanted after all of these years.
"Sit down or get out Novak" Mr Stewart grumbled causing Allie to startle, she glanced back to her mother who was now looking at her expectantly. She took a deep breath and strode to the table, pulling out the seat and sitting in it. She wanted to speak, to make some sarcastic, flippant comment that would hurt her mother a fraction of how much the woman had hurt her, but as she sat staring at the woman who was almost identical to her, her throat dried and she was unable to speak.
Her mother was almost exactly how she remembered, as a child she had been told by everyone that she was the spitting image of her mother and although she hated to admit it, it was true, visually they were identical with only the obvious signs of age differentiating them, even Allie's drug abuse hadn't caused their looks to differ.
"You look well" Mrs Novak smiled tightly.
"You mean I look clean" Allie scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"That as well, but that isn't what I meant… I meant you look well, healthy, happy almost, there's a glow about you" Allie relaxed slightly as she gazed into her mothers blue eyes.
"What are you doing here Mum?" Allie asked, wanting to get down to business and stop the awkward small talk.
"I saw you on TV last night…. I didn't even know you were locked up until last night, why didn't you tell me?" Mrs Novak, Alice, asked sadly.
"Because you and Dad made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. You had already told me that I was a waste of space, that I would amount to nothing and was throwing my life away as I threw my body around for drugs…. Remember that? Why would I want to tell you that you were right all along. And where is my charming father? Still not interested in acknowledging he has a daughter I see" Allie sneered before noticing her mother sob and shake her head slightly, her mother couldn't even look at her.
"Where's Dad?" Allie asked, all hatred from her voice gone and leaving nervousness in its place.
"We tried to find you, please believe me that we looked everywhere. We hunted down a private investigator to find you, but you fell off the face of the earth, you were just gone" Alice explained sadly.
"Where the hell is Dad, Mum?!" Allie almost shouted.
"Six years ago he was in a car crash, he was on his way home from work and it was late, after you left he threw himself into his work to distract himself from the guilt of how it ended with you… there was a bank robbery, the van was escaping the police, trying to get away… it sped through a red light and straight into your Dad's car… the paramedics, they tried to save him but it was too late, he passed in the ambulance on the way to the hospital" Alice allowed the tears to run unashamed down her face as she watched the pain unfold on Allie's face.
"I don't understand" Allie stuttered, her eyes welling.
"The van pushed his car onto its side and then pushed it into a row of parked cars, the car was crushed with your father inside. They managed to cut him out, but he was pretty badly beaten up, he had internal bleeding and they couldn't get it under control, he bled out in the ambulance. They told me it was painless, he would have just felt like he was falling asleep. I choose to believe them because I can't bare the alternative" Alice confessed, finally brushing the tears off her cheek before reaching across the table and grasping Allie's pale hand.
"Six years and I'm only just finding out now" Allie baulked.
"I tried to find you honey, I looked everywhere for you. But you were just gone. And then last night your Aunty Sandra called and told me to turn the TV onto channel 9, and there you were… looking so beautiful and happy... And I just couldn't believe that suddenly I knew where you were. I drove here as soon as the show finished. I had to wait for the Governor to get in this morning and then to get her to allow me in to visit you because I'm not on your visitation list or marked down as your next of kin… it was hell trying to be allowed to see you, but I refused to leave without talking to you." Alice sighed.
"Right well…. You've seen me, you've filled me in on the news, now you can piss off back where you came from" Allie huffed as she pulled her hand away from her mother's, folding her arms defensively over her chest.
"There is still 45 minutes till visiting is over…. I would like to stay… if you will let me" Alice asked unsure, she knew she had hurt Allie and needed to let her take control of the healing between them. She didn't want to leave but if Allie demanded she go, she would respect her daughters wishes and would leave her contact details with the prison for when Allie was ready.
"Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I don't want you here. I don't want anything to do with you… the only reason I am giving you the time of day is because all I can think about is how selfish it would be of me to force you away when Bea would do absolutely anything to be able to sit across from her daughter to apologize. You have her to thank for me even pretending to care what you have to say" Allie admitted angrily.
"Bea was the woman sat next to you in the interview right?… with the brown curly hair?" Alice asked, already knowing the answer, she had hung off every word in the interview to find out as much about Allie's life as possible.
"Yes" Allie offered nothing more, her mother didn't deserve any insight into her life.
"She's pretty… and seemed really nice… she's your girlfriend right?" Alice asked nervously.
"Is that what this is about…. Sorry did I embarrass you again and you needed to remind me of how much of a let down I am" Allie scoffed as she clenched her hands into fists under the table.
"Doe's it matter why I'm here? Would it make a difference if you knew why I was here?" Alice asked honestly.
"Probably not… you said everything I needed to hear when I was 16, right before you kicked me out and told me to never embarrass you with my presence ever again" Allie glared.
"I'm sure we all said things we regret that night, that was certainly one of the things I regret the most" Alice frowned.
"Forgive me for not feeling sorry for you as you wallowed in your regrets inside your big, warm, cozy house surrounded by your friends and family while I lived on the streets selling myself for a bite to eat, for a roof over my head, and for a hit to numb the pain from my shitty existence" Allie spat.
"AllIe your angry, and you have every right to be..."
"Oh well thank you for your permission" Allie scoffed.
"Allie please…"
"You don't get to ask anything of me" Allie screamed, the anger that had built up since that night flooded out of her. She saw officer Miles walk towards her and she nodded her understanding before the officer even had to warn her to calm down and keep her voice down.
"I deserve that… but I would like to explain it to you, if you would allow me…. Please" Alice begged.
"You have 5 minutes.. and then I'm getting up and I'm walking back to my life in which both of my parents are already dead" Allie spat, her disgust in herself rising as the words left her mouth, but she refused to show any weakness in front of the woman from her past.
"Thank you for giving me a chance… that night we argued. So much was said… and most of it was out of anger. We had sat and watched as you spiraled out of control and our little girl went from being our little girl to some stranger who looked like her. We did everything we could think of to help you… but it was never enough. When we woke up the next morning and realized what we had done, we drove around looking for you. As your father drove, I was ringing every police station, hospital, drop in center, women's shelter, kids shelter, homeless kitchen…. Anywhere I could think of that you would go. We spent weeks looking for you. We put posters up… thousands of them…. We stopped people in the street and showed them pictures of you to try and find you... but you were just gone. Months passed, then years. Three years after we realized you were gone for good and we would never see you again. We thought the worst… we thought you has been picked up by some sick bastard who had murdered you and dumped your body… it was the only explanation we had for you disappearing completely. We hired a private detective to hunt you down…. He spent two years looking, and nothing. You were gone…like you were just a figment of our imaginations" Alice trailed off with a sob.
"Allie you may not believe me, but I am so sorry"
"Sorry for what?" Allie asked, trying to keep the anger alive in her voice despite her resolve breaking along with her heart that she could have had things so differently had she just hung around after the fight.
"For all those terrible things I said to you that night. For calling you a whore. For calling you a junkie. For telling you that you were the biggest disappointment life could give me. For telling you that you had embarrassed our family. For slapping you. For telling you to leave and never come back. For allowing you you leave. For not following you and making you come home. For not being able to find you. For everything you have been through in the last 11 years because of me. For not trying harder to find out what was going on with you. Mostly though, I'm sorry for being a disappointment of a mother, for letting you down, for being an embarrassment to yoù, I know you will never truly believe how sorry I am…. But I am sorry Allie, so very truly sorry" Alice closed her eyes, afraid to see further rejection from her daughter, but jumped when she felt a warmth cover her hands. Opening her hands she glanced into the beautiful blue eyes she had fallen in love with the day her only child was born and saw nothing but pain and sadness in them.
"I know I have no right to ask this of you, but if you would let me, I would very much like the opportunity to try to make things right with you, I know I can never make it up for my mistakes, but I'm willing to try" Alice smiled sadly.
"Do you know how many times I have dreamed of this conversation? How many times I wished you would find me and apologize…. Ask if we can put it behind us…." Allie trailed off.
"As many times as I have? Every night for 11 years?" Alice offered sadly.
"Mum.. I can't have a relationship with you, you don't approve of who I am and I'm not going to change for you" Allie confessed.
"Are you safe? Are you healthy? Are you alive? Then I approve" Alice stared into Allie's eyes, her own blue eyes full of promise.
"And what happens when I have a lapse and end up back on the shit?" Allie asked, knowing deep in her heart that would never happen again, but her Mum didn't know that.
"Then I will help you get sober again and I will help you deal with whatever it was that pushed you towards the lapse…" Alice offered.
"And what about when I get out of here and your friends ask me where I have been all these years and I tell them I was a prostitute, selling myself for my next hit?"
"I will tell them that I am proud of you for getting your life back together despite all the hardships you have been through, that I am proud of the strength you have"
"And what happens when I introduce you to my girlfriend…. You made it very clear that you don't approve of us gays" Allie shot, running out of excuses to push her mother away.
"Well when you feel comfortable introducing me to Bea, I will welcome her into our family with open arms, she seems lovely. Quite charming, and intelligent, and she's a beautiful woman… you could tell by her eyes in that show that she had been through quite a tough life herself, I'm not surprised that someone as strong as she is, is so attracted to someone with your strength. I was wrong all those years ago Allie… when I told you I could think of nothing worse than having a daughter who was choosing to embarrass me by being gay…. I didn't understand that the worse thing would be having a daughter that had nothing to do with you… I have spent a lot of time in counselling over the years since you left. I know now it's not a choice, I know that it is who you are as much as you have blonde hair and have blue eyes, and I love you for the strength it took to come out at such a young age… I was wrong Allie, and if and when you are comfortable with it, I would love the opportunity of meeting Bea for myself to thank her for loving you and looking after you"
"So you would really be ok with me and Bea?" Allie asked, shocked at her mother's admission.
"I am ok with you and Bea, it was apparent from your answers, and the way you looked at each other, and the way you both supported each other during the difficult questions…. Even a blind person would be able to see how in love you both are. And not that I hold any right to judge, but any person who looks at my little girl like that and makes my little girl smile like that, has my approval"
"You know she's older right?" Allie asked, testing the waters to see how her mother would react, but she just nodded and smiled warmly, completely unphased.
"And divorced… to an abusive prick who is actually now dead…. As is her only child, she died at the hands of a psycho on the inside who killed her child to get inside Bea's head, and Bea killed her for it… then broke out of prison and killed her son for his part in it" Allie said, cringing in disgust at herself for listing all of Bea's negatives in a way against her.
"I also understand that she saved a child's life from the fire… and another of the inmates…. And I'm under the impression that she is actually a very good person to be lucky enough to have you fall in love with her… and in all honesty Allie.. I would willingly kill any of your past dealers or clients, so I understand why she did what she did" Alice admitted sheepishly.
"She is a good person… the best" Allie confessed shyly.
"I don't doubt it. I would love to meet her for myself one day…. Get to know her" Alice smiled hopefully, her smile widening when Allie nodded her acceptance and agreement. Alice glanced to the clock, seeing they only had a few minutes left to do what she really needed to do. She pulled a wad of paper from her lap and slid it across the table.
"What's this?" Allie asked, glancing at the wad of paper.
"Allie, I don't want to start the rebuilding of our relationship on lies… I have to tell you something and you aren't going to like it. But I wanted to clear the air before I told you, I hope you can forgive me" Alice grimaced as Allie stared at her, piercing her with her blue eyes.
"How long?" Allie guessed, her heart hammering in her chest, the guilty look in her mother's eyes as she examined the table between them confirmed it.
"A few months… at best" Alice admitted sadly.
"Shit… fuck… how? Why?" Allie asked.
"Cancer… lung cancer… I went through chemo a few years back and beat it, but it came back with a vengeance and this time it's won…. There is nothing they can do for me" Alice watched ad Allie broke down in front of her.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I just didn't want you to feel like you had to forgive me out of pity. I want my last few months to be with my daughter… and not because she feels like she has to, but because she wants to… you deserve at least some decent memories of your family to grow old with" Alice wiped her tears.
"Mum…. Can I give you a hug?" Allie asked sadly. The second her mother nodded she dashed around the table and pulled her into a tight hug, allowing all the hurt to flow between them as the comforted each other.
"Hey Boom's, have you seen Allie? She hasn't come back from visiting with her mystery guest yet and visiting finished over an hour ago" Bea asked trying to keep the concern out of her voice.
"Nah I haven't seen her… if I see her I will tell her your looking" Boomer offered as she made her way to the library to meet with her tutor to set up her course in hospitality.
"She will be fine love, she is probably just sidetracked with something" Liz offered a sad smile, Bea had been checking the clock every few minutes for 50 minutes now and the panic rising in the woman was becoming pretty evident.
A noise at the unit gate caught Bea's attention, seeing Bridget guiding Allie in, Bea jumped to her feet to rush forward, Allie was a mess, she looked like she had been crying for hours and she clung to Bridget like her life depended on it. Bridget guided Allie to Bea's cell and motioned for Bea to follow and close the door.
Bea complied before looking questioningly at Bridget before glancing at her partner who was now curled up on top of Bea's bed, staring at the wall as silent tears fell. She turned back to Bridget, the worry etched on her face.
"What the hell happened?" Bea asked finally, sick of being patient.
"She had a visit and received some very bad news… she's gone into a bit of shock, the nurse tried to inject her with a sedative to calm her down and she freaked out, nearly threw Nurse Ratcliffe through the medical window. I was called and when I got there Allie was screaming about no drugs and how the nurse had tried to force drugs into her. I managed to get her to calm down and tell me what started it and she hasn't spoken since, the only time she is reacting is when she think someone is about to give her drugs" Bridget frowned.
"Jesus.. what happened to her? Who the hell visited her?" Bea asked as she rushed to Allie's side and sat on the bed at her feet, rubbing the young woman's arm soothingly.
"Her Mum visited. She gave Allie news that her father had passed away. They had a big talk and cleared the air about the fight they had when Allie was 16 and then her mum announced that she has terminal cancer and only has a few months at best. She's really cut up about it but is refusing any medication that will allow her body and mind to catch up with each other over the shock" Bridget informed Bea of the basics, knowing Allie would fill her in when she was feeling better.
"No drugs!" Allie demanded, turning to Bea her eyes were full of sadness. "I promised you I wouldn't take drugs babe… I'm not going to even if they do try to force it on me" Allie sighed, rolling back to the wall. Bea looked to Bridget for help, who for once was looking completely at a loss.
"Alliecat you listen to me ok, you have had one hell of a shock today, and I'm so proud of you for refusing drugs, really proud of you… but maybe it will help, if the nurse thinks you need it…"
"No Bea!" Allie snapped. "if they put a drug in my system right now, there will be no going back. I know myself, I know my addiction, I know my triggers and I am fighting so fucking hard to not get high and disappear from all this fucking bullshit… if they give me something to numb it, I can't promise I'm not going to lapse, and I can't lapse… I have you to think about… and I have to spend time with my Mum before she dies" Allie welled up and Bea shuffled closer so she could pull her into a hug.
"Ok no drugs… and I trust you will speak to everyone to let them know to not offer them anymore and why?" Bea asked Bridget softly.
"Ok there you go Bridge is going to fix it ok… tell me what you need us to do baby" Bea asked softly as she stroked Allie's hair.
"I just need some time… to get my head around it all…will you just stay and lie with me Bea… please?" Allie begged softly.
"Of course babe. Bridge could you maybe organize for some dinner to be brought here for us both after dinner please?" Bea asked kindly as she repositioned herself and pulled Allie tightly into her arms to let her sob.
"Sure thing.. if you need me shout for me. I will have let Vera know what's going on and she will need to alert the staff so I will give them the order that if Allie needs me she will be allowed to see me, if I'm not here or it's taking too long for me to get here or it's an emergency, just ring me ok. Any time night or day" Bridget winked at Bea , telling her she knew about the mobiles and was giving her unauthorised permission to use it to call her should Allie need her.
"Thanks Bridge, you're the best" Bea smiled softly, Allie now nestled into her chest as she cried softly.
"No problems. I'll be heading home in an hour or so. I will come and check up on Allie first thing in the morning, I will try and bring a few treats in for her… let me know if there is anything specific you want bringing in ok" Bridget waited for Bea's acknowledgement before leaving the two women alone and making her way towards Vera's office with a heavy heart.