Since their official walkout to save the world, and of course her call to General Zapp, Leela had dedicated every waking hour to trying to settle her gut cramps; TV re-reruns, rigorous exercise, reading, or really any other humdrum activity.
Nothing seemed to help, and further hurting matters was the General's redial; a request to have her aboard the Nimbus. Where the warty toad would royally brag of a rendezvous both 'private' and 'satisfying.'
A moment that smelt rather off; when Amy revealed her excitement to date Kif again, Leela thought it no coincidence that, after years of ever-flimsy rejections, Zapp had awarded that R&R to his Fourth Lieutenant. Thoughts of being alone with the General she'd sooner file a protective order against, had pounded dents inside her chest.
"Just what the hell is Zapp playing at?" she'd often say, and never quietly.
Around quarter past five on the day, fresh off his French message to expect him within the hour, she almost wrung her ponytail off her head, in her fevered pacing about the apartment. Knew she couldn't turn back, as she soon ripped open old scars by looking about the wardrobe.
Four outfits of many; a purple keyhole look, for the operatic tribute Fry wrote in her name; a green cocktail affair, for that ruined maiden voyage of the Space Titanic; a light yellow dress with hair picks, for Harold Zoid's first premiere in decades; finally, her scarlet red number from the gala, where she sat mere feet from her worst—and now ongoing—tormentor.
All part of the adventures, memories and moments that defined her Captaincy, and life, thus far.
Trying to ignore them all, she instead seized an admiral-blue keyhole design, featuring a small tail of sorts. A look to match her eye and high heels, one of great promise as she did the usuals and locked up.
Looming winds soon cut through flesh and bone, as a space flyer whooshed down and landed. Using one hand to rub a leg and the other to hold a pocketbook, there sat the smug visage of General Zapp, dressed in full white military outfit & regalia.
"Hello, Leela, this is Zapp, Leela, it's so nice that I'm back where I belong… I've a laser pistol in my pocket, and it's happy to see you."
"Good evening General." A turn of face for his pick-up attempts. "Oh dear God…"
Zapp didn't even wait for her to clamber in before he began to get handsy, before he faked an entire yawn to sidle close and slip his arm over her shoulder. Seeing those slanted piggy eyes, Leela saw through that guise of body warmth, knowing she couldn't do much of anything.
Perhaps just as well she forgot her cream at home; Zapp might not've left her apartment otherwise…
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As Bender hired his own craft to cause 'mayhem' around that grand grey shark, shooting tiny lasers and scaring those sleeping officers, Zapp had given the order to detain him. For all intents and purposes, the sabotage was now afoot…
Hadn't taken too long for the robot to lure a Private to his holding cell, to strip him of his uniform and keys before shutting out his lights. Loosening the steam valve to obscure his deeds, it was off to the Lovenasium.
The General's private quarters, made quite sensual for the occasion to come.
By the time Zapp scanned his kissy lips to certify entry, imagining shivers of lust as opposed to squirms of loathing, Leela began to remember his conquest of her, the accidental fling to create their whole doomed mess. Then and ever since, he was nothing she'd ever like, and it wasn't as if he did himself any favours.
"Leela, Leela, Leela… Sure sweetens some memories to be back in here together. Naturally, of how this courageous Captain conquered the lover's game and cuddled you right up. Kudos, to being my worthiest candy date; can't say I envy such privilege. Mmmm, candy…"
Her look to set those unlit candles ablaze, as his eyes ripped through that keyhole. His eyebrows would tango as he gave himself a slow rub, while she felt some dozen bandits invade her stomach…
"Say, I've been quite rude! I did offer dancing lessons at that fancy gala, how 'bout a free waltz?"
"Uh Zapp, how 'bout we set the mood instead? You know, a nice meal and a little music?"
"Uh-huh."
"I get that you're eager, but being hungry or unseduced doesn't make me a great lover… Or involving you, anything really."
"Of course, I'll alert the chefs at once… Could your fiancé boast the same about his TV dinners?"
"For me, it's less about what's on offer, and more the company you keep."
Zapp had a hearty chuckle while he poured them two glasses of wine, the scent of strong plonk crinkling Leela's nose.
"The finest joke I've heard! Leela, you of all women should understand that ladies don't want cheap, hopeless bums to come after them… they're after men of action, of amazement, of arousal! And you know I fit them as smooth as this velour."
"A few wrinkles in such thoughts, after all, your actions just arouse my amazement." A small giggle to herself. "Matter of fact, if you could help satisfy this curiosity of mine…"
"What's on your mind, my bodacious big-eyed babe?"
"How have you been able to sleep at night? Not discounting Chapek-9, don't those years and millions of graves haunt your dreams at all, inspire you to become a better, or Lords forbid, competent General?"
"That's my little secret, sweet princess. Each morning I weigh myself—still 199 by the way—before I just stare in the mirror and dazzle myself. It's there I remember, always & forever… Since I am me, they are not me, and me's greater than they, only my command matters to my men. We either solve or destroy our problems, or we run out of men."
"Look, I'll pay credit that you've done SOME noteworthy things, but aside from your personal body counts, what do you have to show for the rest of your 'brave-ay-dough?' You pad your record against bouncing balls, retirees, pacifists and defenceless creatures, and expect to be taken seriously? How, when you're a genocidal child who never should've made reserves, let alone become top brass?"
"And yet they're still my victories. Appreciate them or don't, that doesn't change such facts. Besides, what would a delivery woman understand of a male General's brilliance?"
"What you call brilliance, virtually everyone else on-board calls the opposite. I can't stress enough; against merely ADEQUATE forces, your Army's a bunch of flies getting high off bug spray. Hell, it's a miracle we haven't lost Earth at this point… Help me understand, however did you climb so high?"
"See my lovely Leela,"—he swirled his glass and grinned—"that's what I mean by brilliance. You pretend that hard work, merits and results get you places, while I learned lessons on sleazing 'round, sucking up, stealing credit and saddling my failures. Where did that get us again? You're the winning Captain of a losing delivery company, while I lead Earth's mightiest and loyalest forces."
He'd taste & swallow, return a smirk, and then raised his glass: "Ahhh, vintage wine. So tell me Captain, for I'm curious myself… Who shall the people respect more, when it's all over?"
A punch in the guts she didn't expect; Leela felt steam whistle through her nose as he topped up his glass. Had remembered as a fresh Captain how she sought his help, his reputation the only thing to go from…
But that fury of knowing the real man had her widen her eye, form a confident smile at her lips. She took in a deep breath, stood up, and loosened her neck & shoulders, circling laps around the table.
"So that's all I was to you, some damsel you could 'rescue' from the dirt?"
"I sure wouldn't say that, but I'd be thinking it out loud."
"Well, since we're being honest… You're right Zapp, you're absolutely right. By virtue of just name & title, this universe will remember you more than me. But do you believe remembrance means instant respect? Do you think you'd be comfortable about whoever sees you off, when it's over? Maybe for your sake, you need a little… re-education."
"Oh boy, learning… What a way to kill the Captain's Zapper."
"This woman you so desire was once a little girl who had nothing. As a baby, I was dumped off at Cookieville, living among animals who'd kill over a cardboard box. Even before the day I walked, those monsters took every chance in making my life an inescapable hell."
"And I'm supposed to care because—"
"Watch your mouth, General. Every excursion we could afford, if any, I always wished to live like those clean, independent, successful & capable citizens of New New York. Never did achieve it back then, but between odd jobs, I knew I would build the work ethic to achieve that dream. A decade of sixteen-hour days later, I would achieve things far beyond anything I could ever believe."
"Uh-huh, mm-hmm, uh-huh…"
"Oh I'm sorry General, was I not talking about you?"
"Well, that's one reason. Do me a courtesy and speed it up, would ya?"
"Then I'll sum up like this… From my hard work, I became a beacon of hope for an entire generation of orphans, perhaps for every citizen in this city & beyond. Solely for what I achieved and who I was, I scored the dream job and gathered the greatest group of friends and crewmen anyone could want. And the results? I grabbed that apartment to rise from pitiful orphan to worthy citizen, and—"
"Yes, yes. Basking in the warm glow of mediocrity, got it. Here I come to save the day!"
"I didn't need YOU to stamp my mark on this world. But speaking of you, my so-called hero…"
She soon sat down, rested her palms on the table, and stared the General down.
"Funny word you use, mediocrity. That's not the word I'd use for you, to imply you were ordinary yet passable, thus far… You're the General of our Army, Captain of this mighty vessel, and none can deny that. But besides the President you sucked up to, or forced to accept you, who else do you think has your back?"
Zapp got an attack of sweats: "Why, I have my own men of course! Always have, always will."
"If you believe that, I pity you. Let's begin by talking about your men…"
Smile grew malevolent, as she began to sense a lot more than new wine in his glass…
"Let me bank your reality check, right now. You proclaim they've got 'undying loyalty' for you, but they'd sooner march you out in disgrace, maybe right out the airlock. From their every fibre & nerve, they despise you, why? Because you give nothing to deserve such trust and respect. You have their brothers in arms die, for your own selfish purposes, and even while their bodies are warm, you smear their good names to anyone who'd listen.
"You speak lies woman, and I advise that you should stop right now!"
"Remember Chapek-9, remember risking my crew's lives, remember admitting to my fiancé's proxy murder? When your men witnessed me paste pieces of you all over your bridge, do you have any idea what they did?"
A good laugh before she refocused, ready to let loose again.
"They bent and bowed before me, as I became a goddess to them! Now, if you were just 'passable', you think I wouldn't have been arrested, perhaps even gunned down?"
Those shifts now grew a major deal agitated, as Leela rubbed her hands together. To think she was just getting warmed up.
"Of all the people to slander my magnificent name, it had to be—"
"Magnificent? Shall I go ask your 'loyal friend' next time I see him? Oh wait, I remember! He's the one I had to physically force off my ship, just to AVOID working under you. From the rumours I've heard regarding why, oof, I sure can't blame him. Even putting our personal history aside, Lord you make me sick."
From smug to repugnant, Zapp's face turned redder than his wine.
"You know, I heard stories that some guy took pages out of your playbook against him. Enforced their will, stole his girl, humiliated him, tried to hurt him… You know what happened? Kif took only minutes to leave him as a bloody mess, sobbing in some alleyway. You think he'd express such vicious contempt, if you were just 'ordinary', hmm?"
Zapp raised himself from his seat, on the defensive and looming over Leela: "So what's your point? In my army, you either pledge your loyalty or you get in line! Whoever doesn't, one way or another, I'll force them!"
"Oh, my point's one of just simple comparison. Before you sits a lady who had to earn everything, even respect, starting from scratch. That included being an inspiration—to my crew, to the children, to the citizens and especially to your comrades. Meanwhile, for all YOU'VE been handed, you'd be lucky if your own men didn't bury you in an unmarked grave, dropping pants over your corpse for good measure."
She dusted off her hands, satisfied for silencing Zapp: "So frankly, I think I'd rather enjoy my 'warm glows' over your hot shit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go powder up."
As she bit her tongue hard in disappearing, Zapp had let every last one of those words sink in. A silent yet shaking grip of rage upon the table, the betrayal of his beloved stabbing him straight through the heart.
"Who is she to question 'Brannigan's Law'? It got me where I am, it sent her my way, it brought us together… How could she not understand?"
But soon the salt twinkled in his eyes, his nose began to leak as anger turned to sadness. Those lips would turn cold, his throat had formed lumps, as his fear started to manifest. A stare to the bottle he hoped to share, until a realisation of his entire career had him seize and gulp down the lot. Stood himself tall for a few seconds, before he stumbled and banged his nose into the carpet.
"Oh, God, why? This isn't the way a hero's meant to go! Where's my guard of honour? The mourning crowd? The fancy jets, the 21-laser salutes?"
Oblivious to it all, Bender had arrived at the Captain's Quarters after some uncomfortable directions, soldiers still picturing him as a Chapek-9 agent. After a couple of knocks, it surprised him to be 'greeted' by a swooning, VERY sullen superior.
"Personal delivery for—"
Without caring to wait, Zapp ripped the bottle from Bender's 40% iron grip, popped the top and sculled every last drop. An entire fifth treated like lolly water, as already heavy lurches grew worse. And if he looked sick before…
"Ohhh myyy Gaaawwwd!"
"Slurprised to shee… me drink… your delibery Private?" Zapp boasted, before tumbling again. "Now leave, or be shlipped to dee brig!"
"Pardon me for caring, Sir, but you need to get to the Med-Bay, now!"
Zapp scrabbled for his console, gripped doorframes for grim death before Bender helped him to stand. The belligerent General had slapped those hands away, and slammed Bender to the wall.
"You… you deny my die-wreck ore-duh? Should shend you out in dish-graesh for tha'! Lass chance."
"Uh, yes sir. I'll just be on standby."
Happy to have lost time for her lie of powdering, Leela was surprised to hear her communicator go off, more so for the sound of falling bricks.
"Bender, if you're so worried that I can't handle that dumb ape…"
"Leela, you know how little of a rat's ass I give about anything. But even I know a serious disaster when I see one."
"Well, don't keep me waiting! You know I'd sooner knock out that creep than kiss him."
"Zapp just drank my entire delivery, and from his wine breath, even I felt like I'd powered up."
Dead, shaken silence for some time: "Please tell me that's just a cruel joke of yours."
"I wish to Mom it was… And even better, the fleshbag's refused treatment and gone into lockdown."
Out the adjacent bathroom and into the Lovenasium, Leela gasped to find Zapp in an absolute state. Sways and falls, thudding his head over shag carpets before working to his feet. Cheeks wet & dripping, as he smashed plates and broke their candle in half. Roars of anguish, as he seized and tossed their chairs about. One at his display of champagne glasses, the other at a window…
Thank heavens only the former shattered, that the candle wasn't lit either.
As Zapp continued to condemn his quarters, Leela snuck about to grab those empty bottles. "Trust him to buy cheap wine", she thought, but what worried her more was what Bender had brought in.
Rolling out the mystery label that Bender had dismissed, she sunk against the Lovenasium entrance, horrified and rigged to explode.
Turned out to be a more commercial variety of whiskey, a drop several orders cheaper than anything her senator would have sully his basement. For its chocolate taste and malty finish, a rather delectable find she hadn't seen much of in recent days.
But at 90-proof, nothing that Zapp couldn't handle under normal circumstances, she saw her plans start to crumble apart.
"Bender, you stupid sack of screws! This was the MalteseERS Liquor, not Maltese!"
"So that's why our senator allowed my getaway… That dirty, double-gilded bastard!"
"Don't you dare blame anyone else! I'll call you back, gotta make sure that drunken dolt doesn't KILL us all."
Tried looking about for a hiding place, as Zapp began his wretched gait towards her voice. In between slurred calls for sex, and an awful karaoke butchering of a Kinks' classic, it wasn't long before he had her in his arms, squeezing tight.
"C'mere and gimme a real big kiss!"
Leela wormed her way out and ran again, dreading what the unloved, oversexed and uninhibited General could do next. Wishing to avoid any charges or investigations, she beelined for the door, trying to force it open. Place was sealed shut, and she had no means to get through the walls.
But then came the sound that both gave her ideas, and a heart attack in waiting. The discharge of laser fire; Zapp had begun to blast about his quarters, destroying Ionic columns, his own portrait, and even one of his many statues, scattering stone like shrapnel all over the area.
Russian Roulette in space; any errant shot into those windows, or into that portrait hole again…
"ZAPP! What in the hell are you doing?!"
"I'm celebwating our con-sum-ation, my cute widdle cycwops. Now let's shut up and get wost on my vewour covers."
"And you want a nice decompression, maybe a side of getting sucked out? 'Cause that's what's on order unless you put the damn gun down!"
"Spare me your techno-babble and get on my saddle, wovewy."
He then shot backwards and nailed a window frame. An inch short of a glass puddle, and a world of deep trouble.
Declaring that their date was off, Leela got close and thumbed his eyes, enough to grab his pistol and hide it away. Assured that she'd saved them both, she grabbed some tap water to help clear his mind; though he cooperated at first, it was as Leela led him out that he pulled her into a surprise grab.
None too thrilled, as he dragged her towards the bed: "Zapp, cut it out! You're in danger of dying here."
"And what better way to go out on top, than over the gweatest General?"
The embrace grew tighter and tighter, enough to leave Leela squirming and trying to suck air into her lungs. If her lights went out… Tried to ignore the thought as Zapp's breath rankled her skin, as his grip got even
d
"Oh forget this crap… Let them investigate me, I'm not getting into Zapp's bed again!"
In further struggles & squirms, she worked enough momentum to lean forward and whip the back of her head into Zapp's nose, weakened enough to break and draw blood. As he reeled back and yelled, she slipped out and readied herself.
Rejection cutting through his bones again, that most blotchy General could only scream and huff to the dinner table, before turning his wine bottle into a brandished mess of jagged edges.
"If I'm not allowed to have you Leela, then by Brannigan's Law, NO-ONE can either!"
He charged forward ready to scar her, she took just moments to dodge the attack and disarm the General. A leg sweep to trip him and sit him down, and a sudden move to seize his neck and choke out his carotid artery.
In the early going, her crossed ankles and initial confusion would've allowed anyone else an easy escape, if not a chance to break her ankles. But for that drunk, dull-headed deserter of sorts, all he could do was fall on his back.
No worse mistake to make, for it allowed Leela to grapevine, reassess the situation, and apply the proper technique to put his lights out. After rolling him to his side, knowing she faced a sleeping ogre in waiting, she scurried back to where she hid his laser.
Grateful for being good & sober, she blasted a big hole into the wall, planted the gun in Zapp's hands, and made her way to the dock. Found her knees begin to give way, forcing a grabbed wall to sink against. To think it'd be sarcastic intros to play a part in saving her life…
When Bender found her head planted in her arms, even he knew he could put two and two together. As he sat down aside and allowed her his shoulder, he realised that Zapp had crossed the line that perhaps even he would've thought twice over.
The two would soon stand, make for the docking bay and request a return trip, only silent stares out the window to pass the time.
"Should've been so obvious why he sent Kif away, why he wanted a 'private date…' No reliable witnesses to record such actions."
And as Leela thought about it more, the games and manipulations grew to make sense. The hell would he care about consent? He had murdered and sacrificed millions—with absolute impunity—for years. She always thought 'Brannigan's Law' to be a joke, but right now, she realised he had always been a sinister law unto himself.
Worse thoughts were to surface as she returned home and to bed. Bender's 'efforts' had compromised everything; though he might've nursed a nasty hangover, and later an involuntary spew or two, Zapp was guaranteed to remain General for the big war to come.
And for his forced attempts on her, her worries of telling her friends, and losing the universe she fought to win back, she knew she was going to suffer her share of sleepless nights…