As the late Friday edition of Root 2 News blared on her TV screen, Amy and Kif were snuggled in tight, talking of the 'cologne plague' that had been sweeping the city. The head of Koop on screen, advising citizens to stay indoors as word of dozens and hundreds of blackened monsters popped up around the streets.
Here at her apartment, it used to be that Kif would just dread of his return, while Amy would wring her hands and swear towards his constant moods. Who'd have thought a back-alley fight would help him appreciate this here & now…
"You know Amy, that night I taught that jerk a lesson, I remembered how it felt to be a man again! I spoke up against him, my hands have bruise-like colourings, I-I even made better love than I ever thought possible!"
A finger down his chest: "I'll say, stud. For a moment, I thought I stumbled across a handsome shapeshifter instead…"
"You probably did to tell the truth. Looked, felt and talked like me, but for years, wasn't sure it WAS me."
Having a passionate kiss as they continued to count heartbeats, Amy soon heard the doorbell ring. Getting up to find her casual yet banged-up co-worker, she slapped him across the lips before a word came out.
"Owww! Geez, good evening to you too! Though I guess that was for the dress, right?"
"I'll thank you to warn me next time, Thomas! Forget the dress, the hassle was smoothing things over with those diners. Had to bribe quite a few to look elsewhere."
"Wait, what? Ugh, nothing makes… Look, I came to apologise. Was disgraceful of me to do that, and I should've been better."
"Worked out for the best, so just forget it, okay? Come on in."
Their handshake settling matters, Mayfield entered to find Kif, and he couldn't even raise a finger before the green one lunged for him, choking the air from his brain.
"You didn't learn your lesson from last time, Mayfield? Back away from my girlfriend!"
"I did, I did, just here to say sorry! Wanted to clear the air!"
"You'll do better to leave right now… Last chance, you filthy worm!"
"Dammit Amy, didn't you tell 'em?"
"Sorry Thomas, but he had insisted on defending my honour since that date… Tell the truth, it does turn me on a little."
"Oh for shit's sake… Listen squishy, just a job, a role to play!" Had phlegm choke up his throat. "Let me go, and you'll know everything!"
Released and gasping for air, he rose from his back to take a deep breath, staring up at Kif.
"Listen Mr. Kroker, much as it doesn't look the case, Amy and I are fellow crewmates. We cooked that scheme up, every last bit to a tee. Well almost, the dress was a desperate move to sucker you in. I just wanted to come around and apologise for such actions, for everything that night."
"So hold up… All those words, those games and your violence… They were all just a RUSE?!"
"If you say so; way I saw it, I thought I'd make a better outlet to work yourself off. I mean, if you did to your Captain what you did to me… I shudder to think how he'd retaliate."
"Let's hope you never find out… One question though, you didn't throw that fight did you?"
"Still not sure of yourself? Your eyes, sir… I'd be lying to say they didn't put the fear of Gods in me. From what you were to what you became, you were not the wimp I heard you were."
"Won't lie, that fight scared me too. I should apologise as well, I never meant to take your beating so far."
"Ah don't sweat it, huh? I've copped worse from worse sorts, and I'm still here."
"Just that, when you've endured his schemes, 'strategies' sorry excuses and orders of silence for so long, where do you find the words? Where do the sighs begin, and violent thoughts end?"
"To think I bitched about suffering… Whatever could one do to deserve a fate like yours?"
"What indeed? I've written the same question every day in my diary, with his latest screw-up, since he became General. Must've filled dozens of those books by now."
"However you kept it together for that long, I must say that's impressive. Ever since our first chat, I've wanted to rip that fucker's spine out. Couple of months my end, and you've had what, ten years? To think earning his ire was as simple as being Leela's fake fiancé…"
"Do you see the hookworms in my face, Mayfield?" Kif asked. "That's from ten years of senseless orders, cleaning up his messes, and trying to explain his universal conduct. And as for how he 'rewards' me, I've lost count of how many times I wanted to rid myself of him."
Amy had palms to her mouth, while Mayfield just bowed his head: "Chriost dean trocaire…"
"Conundrum of course was how could I, for making it so far? He'd smear my life's work in an instant, and even your Captain kicked me out despite good standing. To know no other life, think of mooching off Amy… I'd sooner return home and die in my swamp, than experience such shame."
"Even for Zapp being in the commander's chair,"—Mayfield leaned closer—"what kept you going in spite of him?"
"As a tadpole on Amphibios-9, crawling on the Clan Kroker grounds, I was always a snack to the big, angry and deadly creatures who resided there. To save my entire autobiography, it naturally all evolved into serving and protecting Earth, which I did until Brannigan took over. Nowadays I destroy, subjugate and plunder, more than I promote peace and prosperity."
Amy moved to reassure him, while Mayfield further sank: "Forget using shovels, he's brought out the drill… I'm so sorry, mate."
"Oh please, don't be. Thanks to your risk-free confrontation, maybe I've got it in me to reassert myself. But if Zapp suspects that I'm turning my back on him, well—"
"Okay, time-out! Who the hell is he connected to? Surely they can't ignore his constant mistakes, can they?"
"President-for-Life Nixon's a dear friend of his, and our Order's President has her hands tied. And I sure wouldn't trust her; she had me punished at his lame, unproven urging, back when he destroyed their new HQ."
"Swear this is just some sick joke now… About time we get to the punchline."
There'd be another knock at the door, while everybody tried to process Kif's revelations. None other than Leela, rather withdrawn, who had hugged Amy and left her head on Mayfield's shoulder as he stood to stretch. Immediately, he knew the news wasn't going to be good.
"Oh crap… What happened?"
In short their operation had been blown, and the details for what Zapp had attempted had him gripping his face before clenching a fist. A horrible pang of guilt; kicked himself for not speaking up. Would've had no qualms using that cream to ensure success… Now defeat and Earth's death was a virtual guarantee.
"Well, apart from the feeling that we're quite fucked, what other news do we have?"
Almost murmurs over words, until Amy piped in that Kif would do anything to oust Zapp from command. No Omicronian, Decapodian, nude scammer or anything else he knew had proven a more legitimate threat, and he had logged books full of evidence to back up that claim.
"Mr Kroker, Kif if I may?" Mayfield offered. "Listen, before and after my parents vanished almost 1000 years ago, I feared I had become like your Captain. I was either some top-shit fool who took everything and everyone for granted, or a moronic drunk who blamed anything else for his problems. Needless to say, coming here gave me a huge wake-up call."
"So you're just like Fry in that instance? I'd ask for more, but it's best we cut to the chase."
"Close enough. Point is, I've had to grow a much tougher skin, while Zapp just let himself coast. If you made handling me look so effortless, then The General can't touch you, and we need a proper commander now more than ever."
"Why, how do you mean?"
Once Leela composed herself, she revealed the situation ahead. As renewed foes of the 'cologne plague' perpetrator, the Planet Express crew had got a taste of those creatures on screen. Powerful, quick, obedient to a fault, and now thanks to an innocuous new fragrance, growing in steady numbers.
"Oh odds and bodkins, how would we ever fight against those? Explains Fry's absence at least, to think I took Zapp's word about him dying in some horrible space accident."
"My Fry's been his prototype since mid-last year; only recent proof of our lives have got him fighting the infection. This latest cologne seems the real deal though; one spray and, unless we make some cure, you're his super slave forever."
On cue, Mayfield pulled out a tube of Miracle Cream, placing it in Kif's hands.
"We've got enough of these to last us a few weeks; unfortunately, Zookeeper destroyed our production, robbed our means to create another, and to top it off, he really one-upped us with his own creation. That's why we need DOOP right now; it's an emergency that requires urgent attention."
Mayfield had just begun vouching for Kif's leadership when he heard a buzz on the green one's communicator. Answered to their subject of scorn himself; a head-to-toe mess of blood, mucus and vomit as a passing soldier sponged water over him. Some silent gasps and an "I rest my case" as Zapp shoved the man away, and stared bleary-eyed into the screen.
"Kif, return to the Nimbus at once, I'm calling in your R&R early. My quarters and I require a bathe, scrub down and complete wash, pronto!"
One side threatened to protest, sigh and serve once again, but upon subtle encouragements, Kif rolled his eyes and spoke up.
"Regrettably Captain, we have a brewing crisis on our hands, and I'm trying to collect the details. As such, I'm not available to help right now."
"You deny my direct order, you little toad? The only crisis YOU should worry about are the steaming chunks over my glorious velour gown! Now don't make me repeat myself… Return. At. Once."
"Unlike you, I'm in the middle of something important; saving Planet Earth for one. So all due respect Sir, go wash yourself, or get someone else."
Zapp shook his head: "I thought you knew better… As her hero, I'm more important than Earth. I'm in no good mood Kif, so unless you'd like to think long and hard about your career, I'd suggest—"
"Worse than what you've done already, Sir?" Kif soon betrayed those eyes again. "I know better than to call you Earth's hero, so I suggest you stand down unless you want my personal opinion."
"Interrupting AND ordering me around, my perfect friend? Pains me to witness such disloyalty… As 25-Star General of the DOOP Army, I hereby sentence you—"
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH THIS INSTANT, YOU JACKASS SCUMBAG!"
The voice had shaken the windows and crew, not to mention The General.
"Kif, what is the meaning of this outburst?! So help me, I'll have you—"
"How 'bout I re-educate you, you fat jerk? Ever since we started working together, I've known nothing but needless wars, planetary genocides and incompetent negotiations under your command. I watched silent while you blamed soldiers for dying, good men who suffered for YOUR insane orders, your mistakes, and your choices. You've screwed DOOP over for years, and you have the cheek to accuse ME of disloyalty?!"
Railroaded by this anger, Zapp hoped to interrupt before Kif continued to steamroll him.
"And who the hell are you, calling yourself my 'perfect friend'? That Buggalo-dust 'Brannigan's Law' was just an excuse to enrich yourself off my back, make a slave of me, deny my proper R&R and starve me of rations without shame! A law unto yourself, stealing hundreds of thousands from my fund… You pathetic leech!"
Captain and crew were left flummoxed; the dying men were one thing, but they never knew the disgraceful extent of how Zapp treated his second-in-command.
"The fact I must follow our absolute greatest failure, it makes me sick to my stomach. In just ten years, you've only destroyed our centuries of diplomatic relations, nuked our reputation to dust, stopped our every chance to rebuild… I swear on mine and our men's honour, we will find an unmarked grave for you, because it's ALL you deserve!"
Zapp's face could've froze into a Munch masterpiece, pure fear for the potential future Leela had posed for him. But in place of promising change, he gave him what he thought was the evilest death glare anyone would ever see.
Kif, of course, didn't budge an inch: "Pout like a child all you like General, but maybe it's time you took some personal responsibility, became a big boy for once… 4th Lieutenant Kroker, out."
Once he hung up and blocked the number, Kif just flopped onto the couch, pressed his hands against his head, and just burst into fits of laughter. If it so happened that he cooked his career, then that flambéing display of venom was the best way to go…
"Hooooooo-ly shit…" Mayfield could only start slapping a knee in a rhythm for applause, as he gloved up and clapped Kif on the shoulder.
"Now watching that was a thing of beauty… So what do you think green skin? A golden moment to treasure, a heavy burden off your shoulders?"
Kif only hugged his knees: "That was the happiest moment of my life… No, this one is, or wait, maybe this one… Oh heck, they're all wonderful!"
The ladies felt shivers through their bones; one lustful, the other in eagerness. Leela could only stare at Amy and Mayfield, impressed for however they evolved Kif from the wuss she knew to a commander in waiting.
"Wherever did that come from? Regardless Lieutenant, that's been proof enough to trust you. Either get us ready to fight, or be ripped apart like coleslaw. Everyone else, handle your business now if you've got it, 'cause this battle's gonna kick our ass if we don't give it everything we've got."
They either stood or dusted themselves off, and Leela glanced about her crew, first at Mayfield.
"Thomas, to give us the means to get this far, I have no words for how much we appreciate your efforts. You've really stepped up since you first got here, and that's not something I say lightly."
A salute in response: "Swear on a stack of Bibles, it's been my honour and privilege Captain. And long may that blessed life continue, once this is all over."
"Captain, Mayfield, thank you for the true pleasure it's been working among you both. And as for my Kiffy? If we make it through this, I'll get the coffee pot boiling…"
"Oh my, what a new life I might lead… Anyway, on behalf of the Democratic Order of Planets, as Fourth Lieutenant of her Army, I promise I'll do everything in my power to protect Earth and her public. May we fight with their honour, and fight until the end."
The group put their hands in, before they went their separate ways. For right now, they just had to sit tight, keep a low profile, and avoid any encounters until forces could be mobilised. The crew had their homes to repair and reinforce, while Kif had the arduous task of gathering support.
No chance in hell that he'd convince Zapp, not after the spray he gave him. Glab's hands were virtually cuffed from her General's messes. Only one with any potential clout would be Nixon; as Zapp's best friend, he'd get the word on Kif's 'mean, unfair' words and just rip him apart without consideration. Maybe just disgrace him, if he were lucky.
Several months of nasty comeback tours, constant games, and serious escalations to this moment.
Now laid the battle of DOOP's mightiest forces and Planet Express, against the Zookeeper and his assured army of super-powered minions.
And the prize on the line? In one short and simple word… Everything.