As he eyed that thief of love and blasted off for the blue planet, one could've sworn to seeing skulls and crossbones flash in Zapp's pupils. But for the high-stakes battle about to get underway, duty had to call.
"Since I've a victory dance to practice, scumbag, I'll leave you be. You go await further orders at the training grounds; as for the rest of you, I insist you remain here to watch a master at work."
"Though surprised that I'm not, I distinctly recall being 'dead' to you, Captain. As such, I'm off to the grounds; initial numbers are low and we'll need all hands to boost them."
"Kif, earn my ultimate contempt again, and you might go home in a glass jar. Now must you insist on defying me any further?"
"Oh yes, for I dare you to kill me, Sir. Would give you five minutes after the funeral, before you crawl back on bent knee."
Zapp had of course ignored such warnings, but not when Kif suddenly rose his voice and grabbed Planet Express's attention.
"Captain Leela, my apologies to draft your crew as civilian volunteers, but can I rely on you and them to train up our new troops? At least if Zapp doesn't listen, I can count on you to do so."
"Yes, Lieutenant Kif, sir!" she saluted, before she commanded the rest to follow.
The General could only growl for being overridden, for being left alone with Kif… The fit of flying rage to follow would almost drive him right off course.
Upon arrival and on paper, The Zookeeper held an overwhelming advantage over DOOP; thousands to their hundreds as they all gathered on the shores of Monument Beach. The reality though was they were still scared civilians stumbling about, a clumsy and confused herd in chaotic times, unable to follow orders.
All things made more equal, the DOOP soldiers had knocked down such minions without even a sweat; much to Zookeeper's growing ship dents. An advantage gained that Zapp's men didn't receive very often; perhaps why he felt a finger-snap quiver inside his guts, eager to stamp his name all over this crowning to be.
For seeing him rub those chins, for hearing him yammer on about 'crucial strategies' and 'inspiration', Kif could only sigh for the declaration to come.
"Men, on my mark, prepare to play dead! Observing that they are animalistic in nature, my flawless logic dictates that they'll leave us alone and venture elsewhere once we do so."
"Sir, I don't believe that's wise. For starters—"
"Kif, apart from being 'dead', you know my thoughts on your 'I-don't-think-that's-wise' attitude. Now lie still and be quiet, while I polish my Earthican Medal of Honour…"
"Stop being such a child, Zapp… To hell with your ancient cartoons and the wise-ass wabbits they rode in on! Animalistic though they are, those civilians are still under ORDERS."
"Kif, Kif, Kif… You think you're ever going to be General when you always sweat the small details, when you never see the big picture? Just watch… Men, play dead, now!"
Such a spontaneous chance to 'nap' had confused those troops, but following nothing further, the dozens then hundreds began to lie down in unison. A strategy to narrow The Zookeeper's eyes, have him scratch his head, and then give a wicked grin in realising what he had.
"Fresh bodies for me? Oh, you shouldn't have… Soldiers, to those wanting to die like insects, oblige them. Crush them under your boots!"
As umpteenth-generation rioters, street thugs and other survivalist sorts, the civilians turned soldiers had it leagues easier in curb-stomping those civil officers, now clueless to the fate about to befall them.
As Zookeeper grabbed back his advantage, Zapp was once again left bewildered, watching human heads become rotted watermelons in record time.
"Stop exploding, you cowards!" he could only scream.
"Gee, whoever saw THAT coming? Way to go Grandmaster; what's your next plan, surrender?"
"Oh no question at all, but first… I know who's really at fault, and I intend to teach them a lesson."
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Back at the training grounds, the crew had cursed, slammed consoles and kicked walls against the fast-rising casualties of troops. Whatever was happening, it was a sudden and much unwelcome hurdle.
"Why must there be a link between Zapp opening his mouth, and disaster?" Leela had gritted.
"Yeah, I've got two-to-one odds on who he's blaming this time."
From a raised entrance: "MAYFIELD!"
"Geez Bender, why don't you gamble on Earth's sunrise next time?"
Soon the red-faced General had poked a sausage finger in the kid's chest, leaving him a soaring temptation to break it right off. Stares of indignant malice, or unjust fury, between the two.
"Okay you fat-mouthed chump; you've always got answers, so why are we losing right now?"
"I was commanded to train those troops Sir, and not an iota more. So tell me General, who gave THAT order to have 'em die off so quick?"
"I didn't ask for the real reason, child. I asked for the excuse you might offer once you fail us."
"My excuse? You've got some nerve, you spilled-over sack of shit." Mayfield slapped the hand away. "I'm not the one telling these guys to drop dead the minute I deploy them… Are you?"
Unable to shift the blame, Zapp's eyes widened in offence, his head hitching to Mayfield's until Leela got in between, trying her best to calm the situation.
"Guys, now's no time to escalate your grudge. Zapp, we're all doing the best we can, but unless you reverse course, that won't be good enough… So get it together, NOW!"
Zapp just took his paces and, far from taking the advice, had placed Mayfield under arrest. Protests aplenty for leaving them a crucial man down, but for seeing Zapp's pensive frown and solemn headshake, a fear of worse to come.
"It's clear that he's failed our beloved planet already, that my home meets its end. Damn shame I took a chance on such a toothless traitor, but heroes, they must give those second chances. Men, leave him to me, keep the crew back… Time I handle things personally."
Inside a second or so, Zapp had punched Mayfield square in the intestines, a small smirk for only him to see. At six-four, at least two-fifty, that fist had winded him good; once a few more dropped the kid to his knees, he felt a satin-white boot crash into his face.
"Why? And why now, you stupid c—"
"Because you were always there to try and one-up me, always craving to ruin my reputation. I try luring Leela to my loins, and you happen to be her only man. I fight for her love against those bloodthirsty robots, but you just had to kill more. I plan to assault The Zookeeper on his own planet, but I get stuck caring for your pathetic corpse."
Mayfield coughed from yet another kick in the gut: "Did you think I became her instant fiancé out of love?"
As Zapp kept stomping on his chest, even the soldiers struggled to hold Leela back. Mayfield could only try to roll away, or let a kick lash out in desperation.
"You begged, cried and harassed her for sex, while I paid back her favour to me. You sat on your lard arse doing nothing, while you caused an all-out war between Chapek-9 and Earth. You arrested her and used me—sick bargaining chips—to worm your way into her life again. After all that, you fucking fraud, WHO did you think she'd choose?!"
"As the General and Earth's truest hero on call, I thought the answer would be obvious. And if that means I must take whatever means necessary to achieve those goals, then so be it!"
Bender did a literal double-take, rewinding that conversation to make sure he heard properly.
"Hero on call? Then pick up the phone, Zapp! Big war going on, planet and universe at stake? Ringing any bells?"
"When you've got a girl like Leela, the world and universe can wait. Especially when she came in of her own free will. Why, I have the many dates to prove it. And soon enough, I'm sure to have another."
A click-click her way as she only stared, scared of the damage that had been, was yet to be done, as Zapp kept beating Thomas down. Had known of his obsessions and intentions for several years, but to murder an ally—in cold blood—to pursue them?
Only had her most evil eye for him yet.
"Zapp, he was never my fiancé, but especially now, his words ring true. As everyone's my witness, you've always been among the WORST human beings I've ever met. I'll never be caught alive or dead by your side, let alone think of marrying you. In fact, after this war, if you even so much as brush against me, I'll rip your shoulder out of its socket… Consider yourself warned, as of right now."
Any other time, Zapp might've been shattered; this time, he just steamed out his nose.
"A terrible shame Leela, to see he's corrupted you too. But my boots and fists are still rather clean, so how about another date, plus some complimentary coitus? Me or another dead crewman, you choose."
Kif, hoping to grab and inform the General of the catastrophe to follow, had hauled ass to the training grounds. But from a quick survey of the situation, of witnessing the crew and the General together, he knew what had gone down.
Closed his eyes, and considered the very common thread to Zapp's 'mastery' at work. Always to soothe or bolster his own self; how he piloted the Space Titanic, cut those opening ribbons, tried to destroy the Neutrals or instigated war against the Decapodians…
The eyes would flare again, a most intense hatred that almost had him bum-rush the General right there. But that was before he found Bender standing between Zapp and Mayfield, having bribed himself out of his hold.
"Not so fast, Captain None-der-pants!"
"I'll have you know I'm a good friend of Mom's too, so stand down robot."
"Like I'm supposed to care… You familiar with tape recording, big guy?"
"Oh mercy, you kidding me? Only the best re-invention of the late 30th century! Especially for finding those rare Neptunians Gone Wild boxsets…"
"Here's a collector's edition you WON'T enjoy, I assure you."
Seeing his beloved playground vanish now, and 'paying' the kid back for helping him get it, Bender put himself into perfect position to extort—not blackmail—the General responsible. Never did claim that he wouldn't record those private words after their chat… Sure he'd be a standby for one wasted superior officer, but that didn't mean he wouldn't cover his side bets either.
As he rewound and replayed that number, everyone had soon known of Zapp's recent conduct, including the current beatdown. Zapp knew he couldn't give so much as a "Whoopsy-daisy!" before he unsheathed his laser pistol, already set to fire.
"Who to kill first? The woman to reject me, the man to replace me, or the robot to ruin me?"
Behind his back however, Kif had started to scale walls & ceilings, landing in stealth to snatch the gun from his General's hands. Potential games all over, as the man now knew good & well.
"It's mutiny, is it? I never thought I'd see the day. To think I promoted so far such a complete disgrace to MY Army."
"Correction, Zapp," came the rebuke. "Mutiny, AGAINST a complete disgrace, to THE Army… So help me, I'm about to scratch the itch I should've done a whole decade ago."
"You're about to commit the biggest mistake of your life, Lieutenant…"
"Zapp Brannigan, for your crimes of assault, coercion, attempted murder, disgraceful representation, and treason in times of war… I, Fourth Lieutenant Kif Kroker, hereby relieve you of your command, effective immediately!"
When Kif tossed the gun to the crew, Zapp began his advance towards him, a rabid froth of anticipation towards the harm planned. At first, the crew were worried—especially Amy—for Kif giving up a full foot and three times his bodyweight, if that.
But once they saw those eyes again…
For every wild swing, karate chop and attempt at a bearhug, Kif just bobbed, weaved, sidestepped and escaped with ease that disciple of Shatner. Didn't take much for Zapp to tire himself out, and for Kif to sock him over and over at will. Each speedy punch and whip-crack headbutt soon left the General a bloody mess, crawling about in tears.
"Why Kif, whyyyy? I thought we were perfect friends."
"Say that again, and I'll have your hole dug out. Men, send Zapp to the brig, and get Mayfield to medical. The crew and I will take the mantle. And for the rest of you, get to shoring up our numbers, double-quick!"
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While the crew stared out towards the massacre outside bridge, Kif sat in the Commander's chair, his eyes still burning holes in poring over reports and firing off questions.
"Casualty reports, damage caused, soldiers remaining? Come on, let's be quick about it!"
"Sir, we're down by a significant majority, and we estimate just minutes before we're attacked on board. In saying that, we've got Private Davis's final recording."
Turned out, stopped clocks and all, Zapp's order might've been an accidental stroke of genius. The prankster at heart had bled the ears of those black, glowing beacons via a surprise yell and air horn, sounds to drop them screaming before the aerosol ran dry.
"Vale Jester, be one with the Gods now. For your tireless efforts, we will remember you."
A final farewell from Kif, as he watched that 20-second clip over and over, calling both Professors and 'Bubblegum' Tate to explain the situation. For all their talks about HSAM, ultrasonic hearing, molecular densities and more, Kif felt a sudden epiphany trigger within.
The true workings of the serum; it didn't just raise one's strength & speed, but also their senses. Created predators who could discover their prey from even the smell of detached limbs. But, especially against untrained civilians in horrors of war, such enhanced senses could be overtaxed without problem.
Such ideas in mind as Kif addressed Leela, asking what she knew of karaoke.
"Well, I do know of a most beautiful love song." she aired. "Why?"
Kif pressed a button to point towards the biggest set of speakers that Leela had ever seen. The whens and hows of how they came to be were kept classified and hidden—a likely misappropriation of funds—but judging by the size, it could play music at volumes identical to a take-off near one's head.
"We're not sure how effective this could be, but here's hoping you can show us against these creatures."
Archbury took such moments to gloat: "You fools really thought you could stop me? Between your General, your in-fighting and your pathetic struggle, I outnumber you two hundred-to-one now! The damage has been done; surrender quietly, and I shall grant you all a quick death."
Kif hailed him: "Zookeeper, we're retreating as we speak, and offer a song of peace instead… Stand down please, let's avoid any further bloodshed!"
Zookeeper proved he had no such plans in mind, the minute those minions began to leap aboard the Nimbus. Punch, punch, punch, the front end ready to burst as the mics were tested and made live…
"Give 'em hell, Leela!"
Clearing her throat, she broke out into a chorus of 'I Will Always Love You', which under Whitney Houston had once helped define the '90s in music. Quite unlike that classic though, Leela's version had everyone's ears pressed shut, their knees on bridge threatening to buckle and give in.
As her voice grew louder & louder, as several howls of "Make it stop!" rained around, and even as Archbury got his phone to record this latest 'persuasion', things took a turn as those peasants were caught in a plague of noise; auditory booms to drop them fast.
As she kept belting her chords out, hundreds then thousands fell to their knees, or dropped into the foetal position. A solo to tear down their senses, overtax them to the point where they couldn't follow orders even if The Zookeeper gave them. Indeed, far from posing any threat, the ship attackers had slid off without effort.
With every 'retreat' and extras just a county over, Kif would give the go-ahead on 'Operation Stampede' as the advantage soon returned his way. In they came, rushing from nowhere, stomping the rest down and eventually forcing Zookeeper to surrender, to babble and froth in rage.
Almost nothing but curses as he flew off, 'The Admiral' close behind. To hear his lover's song again, now that was reason enough to ignore his master.
Those left behind could only surrender for hearing nothing, and just await their arrest and move on towards those cargo bays. Meanwhile, back on bridge, Kif raised from his seat.
"Let it be known on this November day, from soldier to ship crew to singer, that all your performances here blessed Earth with another chance… Kudos to you all, for standing up against such extraordinary pressure."
"No Sir, proper kudos belongs to you," Leela smiled, facing the diminutive leader. "Far as both I and everyone else is concerned, you've made a better General in these hours, than Zapp ever did in his entire career."
The entire bridge was led into applause; before long the training grounds and deployments had soon joined in. Humbled yet chuffed, Kif could only blush, give a rather limp-handed wave, and bow towards them all. But of course, standing to Leela, he knew who else deserved proper credit.
"I can't say I was a fan of your singing, but throughout our Democratic Order and beloved Earth, Miss Leela, you deserve just as much credit for saving us all thus far. We ever get through this, you have my word that your crew will be rewarded well for the trouble."
A hug between them and everyone else, as soon after, the Nimbus dropped the crew off to get Mayfield seen to. Once again wheeled into Taco Bellevue, alive but worked good n' tender, Mayfield found those familiar faces helping him get healthy again.
"Okay, what the hell does it take to die around here? Did my body meld with a T-1000 upon arriving?"
"The will to survive can be strong, perhaps more so than steel," Leela assured, patting his hand. So how 'bout it, a thousand bucks to say that you'll be out by tomorrow morning?"
"Money'd be no good to me as a dead man walking, so what the hell."
Once he disappeared into the ER, the other three would return to HQ, a mood of ecstatic delight sweeping through as they cracked a couple beers then & there. A moment of pause, enacted by the Captain…"
"To Thomas for a quick recovery, and to us all for our personal justice!"
"Hear, hear!"
A clink of congratulations, but even they knew they couldn't enjoy themselves for too long. Their feud was moments from closing; not even a Gordian-knotted rope could restrain them both now.
Only one place left, likeliest of all, to settle those scores forever. To save the entire universe and achieve that redemption, revenge, and of course reunion…
They had to travel back to the original icy lair of The Zookeeper, where everything had first snowballed for The New Justice Team so long ago.