For rarely seeing a sadder state of affairs than these DOOP Headquarters, Mayfield could've imagined being seated at that grand opening. Surrounded by the stars and strange beings; appreciative of the spectacle, hopeful for futures both his and theirs.
Instead, he found himself climbing cracked steps just to ease himself through those doors, fearful that sudden moves would tear them off the hinges. Several seats had fast been filled; a crowd of hundreds—soldiers, recent cures, administrators & ambassadors—had already filed in.
"Shouldn't have been surprised, oughta be the trial of the century."
Taking a curious glimpse around the courthouse, he soon looked about in panic, snatching a middle-row seat. The entire Planet Express crew had arrived to take their front-row seats, led by the lady he almost caved in just hours ago.
Once the lone spotlights had shone on Kif, the condemned one in his custom garb, and on Glab, DOOP President and presiding judge, the crowd had begun to fall silent. Loud thuds of her gavel, and court was now in session.
"Fourth Lieutenant Kif Kroker, you stand before us accused of disobeying, and striking, your superior officer on official duties regarding the DOOP. Shall I regard the potential actions we may sanction against you?"
"Please do, ma'am."
"Very well. In order of severity, we could quite possibly consider a reprimand, a demotion, a fully-stripped dishonourable discharge, a jail sentence, and finally execution. Barring extraordinary circumstances, one or more of these WILL be enacted this morning. Any questions before we continue?"
"Not at all ma'am, thank you."
"How do you plead your case?
"I declare myself guilty of those charges, Your Honour, but may I speak as to why?"
"You may rise, Kroker."
Giving a summary of his ten-year tenure under Zapp, with particular highlights from the few months before, Kif laid out his case that began from his recent R&R, and by extension his first date in years. One to bring along a Zapp-like 'security detail'; more for attitude and personality, over size.
A one-sided war of words, personal attacks & demands, before he imposed himself over his girlfriend. A back-alley fight declared, one where he wound up beaten, his mind yet again broken. A harsh declaration that he'd never save himself, his loved ones or this entire planet, for how little fight he had. Those would happen to kick off a comeback that left the wannabe tough guy in agony.
Few days later, turned out they were hired crew who cooked up a ruse, with both testing and wishing his ability to lead as the 'Cologne Plague' broke out. As such plans were laid out, General Zapp would buzz him—lying in blood, mucus & vomit—to issue a direct order of cleaning him up. After name-calling, bragging and threats of retribution for denying HIM over DOOP, it was only then that Kif unleashed his outburst.
For the coming negotiations with President Nixon, he compiled thick dossiers of evidence, while trying to avoid them being spilled or knocked out of his hands. Even better, Zapp called ahead to the White House to derail the whole scheme; only diplomacy, searing questions and timely news coverage had Nixon reconsider.
The crowd were roused enough to chatter among themselves, and the soldiers had pumped fists in silent approval. Planet Express, however hopeful, had to stifle some yawns… They'd admit to wanting Zapp to punch the tale up, if he didn't bottle his odours and call them perfume.
After some time towards crew and ambassador statements, of a dozen or so beings who would clarify details, confirm the truth, or even highlight why else he'd deny or deck the General, it became time for closing statements.
Kif could've opted to say nothing, instead, he chose to tell the simple, clear-cut truth as he knew it.
"Madam, I've served our Democratic Order for decades, one of which under Zapp's command. I've no question that from my experiences, commanders who led out of respect, intellect, merit and kindness gave us our once-sterling reputation. Ever since I squirmed alive on my clan's grounds, I had always dreamed to join the ranks of the best peace-keepers, diplomats, and defenders of the entire Milky Way."
He then turned to face the crowd, eyes on the crew in particular, in giving an open palm.
"It's here I ask you all a simple question… What happened? How did we get so complacent, so clueless, so content to coast? Doesn't it chill and sicken you, my fellow citizens, that one mistake corrupted us into what we hoped to avoid? In just ten short years, no less?"
Further murmurs, as he moved towards them.
"Of his actions involving the universe, of his deeds towards our ranks, of his personal abuse against me, I made sure to collect, collate and document whatever I could of our eternity on bridge. And read my hookwormed lips, it'll be a cold day on Sol before we find another General as stupid, wasteful, and cruel, as Zapp Brannigan."
Those eyes began to flicker again, ones to have him slam his fist down and scare the front row into attention.
"Is THAT the leader you deserve? One who attacked allies and enemies without cause and without a clue? One who denied our universe's pleas for help, all to get himself into a civilian volunteer's pants? I had HUNDREDS of justifiable causes; the only time I lashed out was when, to score some further dates, he imposed our hostage situation as we fought The Zookeeper."
"Mr. Kroker, though you might have plenty to say about General Brannigan, I must insist that you wrap it up."
"My apologies, Madam. It was always my ultimate regret that I didn't berate and beat some sense into him before. To conclude, I remain of the firmest opinion that Brannigan has proven and always WAS unfit to be our General. But hey, don't listen to me, you've heard too much from me before."
The hookworms formed in his face as he returned to the podium, his sermon now over.
"Just do what you must, if your aim's to punish my crimes. To beg, cry or fight for my Order's ears has left me tired, so tired… But whatever happens, I'll leave your courtroom, my service or this life raising my head high, for I'd again do the exact same thing to the letter. Madam President, ambassadors, fellow soldiers, and citizens of New New York… That's that."
A collective hush came over the crowd, as Glab straightened her papers and squared her eyes Kif's way.
"Thank you very much, Mr. Kroker. If you'll excuse me for a quick moment…"
The lights began to flicker on, as she sidled down in her orange-sashed blue dress. Unbeknownst to Kif, she had already pored over all those logs and recordings among her select few; couldn't help but betray subtle sniffs and eyebrow raises as she dwarfed over her fellow being.
"If I may call our Generals League, to join me…"
"Uh, ma'am, is there something—"
"In light of your conduct, tenacity, fearlessness and diplomacy in our Order's gravest battles…"
"Not even a reprimand or—"
"—and with my greatest pleasure and pride, I hereby bestow congratulations upon you, Fourth Lieutenant Kif Kroker, as our newest Earthican Medal of Honour recipient."
Kif almost belched a breath of air as the crowd stopped dead silent, and then erupted into cheers. The highest military prestige one could earn; as Glab herself got behind and fastened the medal around his neck, Kif's palms had glued themselves to his lips. Didn't think the ceremony was real; only the crowd's roar and claps from the judge could convince him.
It left him squatting and crying a river of tears, for only this court would've housed the winners prior to him since the first recipient centuries ago. Among them his old superior officer, standing among the Generals League, who witnessed that once-Private stand beside him as equals. Kif's salute to the retired veteran, and their pull-in towards a tight squeeze, only more tears to shed.
But that wouldn't be the end of the surprises, for the newly decorated dynamo.
"And Mr. Kroker, as its sitting chairwoman and upon unanimous agreement among members, I also must inform of, and hereby extend, your invite to join our Society of Distinction, and all the ranks and privileges that bestows. Our way to commend and thank you for your outstanding service, on behalf of DOOP and all our member planets."
Poor Kif's knees had toppled him over again. First non-Earthling in their Society, first in almost two centuries to earn that medal. Now he had known; truly there was no grander pleasure than to have all one's efforts come full circle.
Making for each crew member, he almost caved their chests in for hugging them, and there'd been no better finish than his princess leaving him in fits of giggles and "Oh, mys", from her rapid assault of kisses. Several rows down, shedding his own tears, Mayfield only wished he could've sat there.
Court hadn't been adjourned yet however… Returning to her high lectern, President Glab would announce the name of one more man she wished to judge that day… General Zapp Brannigan.
¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)¸.·ˆ¯)
Glab had once declared the General's career toast, when the jury handed down its unanimous conviction of him destroying DOOP's new headquarters in the Neutral Zone. $400 billion, flushed inside minutes, and they had never forgiven themselves for allowing Kif to be dragged into the mess as well.
And as the General got led in, they all leered toward his direction, pelting hisses and boos upon him as the surly, stubbled, and stout-gutted commander took his walk of shame. Either he forgot his girdle, or home detention had NOT been kind to him.
All throughout, he'd whisper accusations of disloyalty, before he ended up spotting Kif in the aisle. Gawking upon his once-servant's new prizes, he didn't much help his case.
"You vile worthless slug… Those should've been mine."
"One-on-one, back of courthouse if you like… How 'bout you get them then, jackass?"
Kif then rubbed on his prizes, no bigger Slurm-eating grin to give, to leave Zapp lunging with a roar. Another failure to make a whiskey shot of him, before the soldiers forcibly dragged him to the stand.
Seat taken, arms crossed and gut pushing him back, his eyes against Glab were defiant. Wasn't his first rodeo here, in fact, could've been his hundredth, two-fiftieth or thousandth if he could remember that many.
"General Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of several crimes before us; assault, coercion, attempted murder, disgraceful conduct, treasonous war actions, and lastly flagrant misuses of superior command. How do you plead?"
"Absolutely 99% not guilty! And spare me the sanctions sweetheart, I know them by memory."
"Address me as Your Honour, in future. Very well, we shall get this underway. Prosecutor, please call your first witness."
When the creature's southern drawl had announced his name, Mayfield felt his heart plummet. The memories had burned strong against this one, and the temptations to return certain favours had him clench his fist.
"Do ah have a Mr. Mayfield tuh answer the witness stand?"
Not a word spoken in response.
"I repeat once more, do ah have—"
Leela soon rose up: "As his former supervisor, Your Honour, I'd like to testify on his behalf."
"But yuh are my second witness, Miss Leela, why—"
"I'd rather The General have a trial instead of a eulogy. I can't promise the former, if they see each other again."
For the suspicion in his eyes, Zapp had felt tempted to argue against such sudden changes, but soon the usual swagger returned to his face. To trade away 'The Zapper' to see justice done? It had him grin to himself.
"Very well, Turanga Leela, please take the stand."
Zapp's confidence wavered a deal when he received her best evil eye yet, even for all he got over the years.
"Miss Leela, Planet Express Captain and Head Pilot… How would, ah say, how would yuh come to know of Mr. Mayfield?"
A smirk lined her lips: "Let's take it from the top, like his toupee."
Murmurs from the crowd, as he gave an irked pat of his head.
"I'd know him during the first anniversary of my old crew's disappearance. His horrid roar would introduce him, and my face-to-face ass-kicking would introduce me. Over time, he'd become my rookie crewman, my fake fiancé, and a friend even considering his final hours."
The kid could only squat down in shame: "Such a friend I turned out to be."
"And how did his story shed light on Zapp and these accusations here?"
"Back at Zookeeper's fancy gala at the time, he'd be seated beside me while Zapp would proposition me that evening. He planned to offer me free 'dance lessons' inside his Lovenasium; almost choked on my bread before pulling the instant fiancé card. He'd be the lucky sucker, though it'd become a choice I'd end up regretting."
"How so?"
"Zapp was so desperate to have me in his bed, he'd threaten mine and my crew's lives by proxy. We were on Chapek-9, September 21st, having private talks with old 'friends' when my communicator began to buzz. Turned out he had bugged a laser gun he gifted me; wasn't long before we heard the roaring spacecraft, his ridiculous yodel, and a declaration of rescue. Which of course alerted the robots, and left us deep in a warzone.
The shouts of "Screw you, Zapp!" had rang through after those words, forcing some gavel thuds.
"All I saw was red that day, after our slim escape. Docked the Nimbus to get medical attention, and an explanation. Once I did, I spent an age beating the hell out of him. He'd then play further games against us, which first involved bargaining my rookie's life for a month of dates."
"So y'all eventually did come to date him? Take it that became a 12-piece bucket o' trouble?
"Understatement of the year. The crew and I created plans to hit back at Zookeeper; had me dating Zapp to organise a temporary 'regime change'. Exclusive requests and creepy advances aside, he cared for nothing else but himself. Hell, he only mocked my standing when I curiously questioned his career. I could've thought of whooping him again, but they do say to let fury have the hour…"
"Quite the choice of words, if the recordings were anything to go by."
"Only meant to remind him who I was, where I came from, and the difference I made for others. To highlight my preference of warm glows over his hot garbage. Minutes after, I'd get a communication from a friend I brought along, and some bad news. Zapp'd be in the middle of an unbelievable tantrum, having emptied his wine and the whiskey we had brought in."
"Do y'all recall what else happened after that?"
"Wasted beyond words, he put us both in lockdown. All I'd see since were plates being smashed, candles snapped and chairs tossed, one almost breaking his window. I tried to escape, only for him to break out his laser pistol. Thank large mercies for lucky misses, otherwise, we'd have both been ripped into the abyss."
Amidst growing unease, and after the remaining highlight reel of horrors, the Hyper-Chicken soon asked for closing words. She took a breath, stood up, and straightened her formal attire.
"I was a young and stupid Captain once, who fell headlong for his 'charms'. But over the years, I realised that beneath the high ranks and velour outfits, laid a pitiful child and pompous buffoon. May we never forget his crimes today, for he's never let me forget our first and ONLY time together."
A loud hoot from her boyfriend, and her nasty stare to shut him up quick…
"Prosecution roosts. Thank you Miss Leela, please take a seat."
The testimonies would continue, each holding Zapp in thorough contempt or severe liability, sometimes both. For the battles of recent months, the Octillian System of years ago, the honourable discharges to come in had plenty to share.
A 'surprise' that sent half a million to die on the Robot Homeworld; the crew couldn't imagine the scrambles, screams and smells to come. His retreat into the Captain's Quarters, to await his beloved now that his work had been done.
Further arguments that he ignored four hundred years of Chapek-9 history, which had scuttled all such preparations and left his 'sterling' record against robots in tatters. Not that such things would've mattered, anyway.
A recall of the Octillian System, of the army of Killbots programmed to annihilate it. For the soldier taking the stand, his guilt and duress interrupting the story, he could only pray as the General racked up body counts like pinball jackpots. Though the System was saved, it was seeing Zapp get a medal that broke him, that had him request discharge. Hadn't accepted quarters as change ever since.
Various leaders of several planets also came forward; terrifying shouts, Yiddish cursing or flat monotones most prevalent. The Omicronians had their young eaten during negotiations, Decapodian embassies were attacked without provocation, and Neutrals were almost kamikazed out of his intense hatred.
Though the latter's president held "no strong feelings one way or another", no-one else gave Zapp any sense of benevolence or advocacy. Before Glab called for him, The General looked like he'd spent a month over a hot spit.
"Does the accused have anything to say in their defence?"
"We all know how this ends Madam President, so quit wasting our time. I've got a date with my mirror."
For all the testifying, evidence, stories and opposition, he knew there'd be a technicality, a finger-lickin' mistake, or his service to consider.
After all, that green President had taken his side before, and often, because of those.
His decision now made, Glab had instructed the jury to make their deliberations. All twelve had ventured into an offside room, and all twelve had returned inside of thirty seconds. A mystery Neptunian shuffled his sheets, and cleared his throat.
"Your Honour, we find the defendant, Zapp Brannigan… GUILTY of all charges!"
Leela could only give a steam trains' hoot, as Zapp's defiance began to unravel. It had dawned upon him now that nothing could save him; no more excuses, no more supporters, no way to escape his self-made quicksand.
"Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped of all rank and privileges, dismissed from our Democratic Order, and sentenced to twenty-five years in jail. This case is over!"
A thud of the gavel to leave Zapp crushed, only able to cry and drag his feet. Kif, however, had been wise to that game, and gave the immediate order to seize him.
As those soldiers dragged that ranting, kicking and screaming man away, Kif struggled not to laugh before he whispered "Not this time, fatso" across to him.
Course, the good news hadn't stopped yet as Glab stood up, a wry smile offered Kif's way.
"Oh, and Mr. Kroker, I would advise that you don't strike your superior office again… I'm not the type to let such actions off easily."
"Excuse me Madam?"
"In light of Mr. Brannigan's sentence, and in addition to reimbursing your finances and benefits as appropriated, we wish to promote you to his former rank of General. Well done once again, and Godspeed."
What a day it had been… Kif once again got his share of big hugs and salutes, as the crowd had begun to disperse. A remark from his first General, on how fast they grew up, before the courthouse stood empty.
Unsure of whether he exposed himself or not, Mayfield looked about for the Planet Express crew. Spotting Zoidberg bringing up the rear, he had a sudden return of memories, and an epiphany for why he whispered in Nibbler's ear last night.
He now had his true gift to give, and he now knew who deserved it the most…