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Driving lessons
Chapter 48 - 99 Red Balloons
"He's so bloody cute!" Hungary was hugging the arch-villain Mr Kumajiro.
"I am not cute I am a super villain! You have no idea the power I have!" Mr Kumajiro said, trying to get out of the Hungarian woman's arms. "Put me down!"
"Pol what do you think? Isn't he bloody cute?"
"He's apparently been a naughty bear, Liz."
"Really?"
"According to Scotland, who told Italy, who told Germany who told Austria who told me to tell you, that he'd kept England, America, Prussia and Denmark in a cell somewhere! And they're trying to find Russia, who's missing…"
"Good."
"Good that he's missing or good that he kept those fools in a cell?"
"Both really."
"Stop talking, both of you!" Mr K yelled "And stop hugging me!"
Hungary ignored him, "So what's the problem with Russia missing and did England really declare war on Spain?"
"Well Bela just went ballistic, literally. And she's going to get President Putin, who I would really love to give a style makeover by the way, to attack Britain!" Pol said.
Hungary actually looked up at this. "Would you really give Putin a makeover?"
"You imbeciles!" Mr K yelled jumping off Hungary's lap, "Russia's nuclear warhead targeting system has been hacked and its prime target is England's allotment shed! I need the key to that shed."
Hungary looked at him, "When did you get so pissy? You used to be so cute."
"Canada has held me back."
"So why have you come to us?"
"The key, Miss Hungary, hand it over or you will regret it."
Hungary fell about laughing. Pol swigged the rest of his cocktail and laughed.
"Oh hon, he's so funny. Can we keep him?"
"I am serious! You have no idea of the people behind me! If I don't get that key…" the polar bear cub said leaving the threat hanging.
"You don't mean…?"
Mr K nodded.
"Not the Britain in Bloom organisation?" Hungary said with a gasp.
"I was thinking the Antiques Roadshow." Poland said.
Mr K turned to his henchmen but they had disappeared.
"Your goons have been Pol'd, sweetie," Pol told him.
"Ok here we are. The zoo," England said getting off the horse. "France for gods sake put that cowboy down. Alfred, no you can't change into a cowboy outfit. We don't have bloody time. We have to find Russia."
"Awww man. This is getting boring."
"I agree avec ze silly boy. We could party!" France whined.
"Boring? As in Armageddon is boring? Will you all feel like that when warheads are raining down on us?"
"North Korea and his cartoon weapons can't reach us here. Calm yo self." America said. He knew England hated the word 'yo'.
"You're a bloody idiot, it's not North Korea and his goons we have to worry about, it's Putin and his goons. I mean missiles."
"Jeez… anyway what about my main dudes, Pru and Den? Shouldn't we go rescue them?"
In all this time, Canada was trying to get their attention, "Erm we have to go now, bye then." Nobody noticed, France however ran after the procession of gay rodeo riders and their horses in his rain poncho and pink shorts.
"Come back, Tarquin!" The lovestruck Frenchman yelled.
England doubted that the big buff rodeo rider was actually called Tarquin at all.
"Right blokes let's go in and see if we can find Russia. This is our best clue."
But America had already headed into the zoo, "Aww man they have a monkey house…!" he yelled excitedly.
"You'll be right at home then," England sighed.
Mr K was not happy. His 'goons' were having makeovers.
Poland grinned at the arch villain, "Sweetie, everyone should have acrylic nails," he told Mr K.
Just off the reception area of the Hungarian Embassy, the 'goons', as Pol called them, were strapped into hairdressers chairs and were having their nails done, facials and their hair coloured. Perhaps against their will.
"So tell us what's so important about England's allotment shed, Mr Kumajiro?" Hungary asked.
"Yes and why do you want a nuclear war?" Poland asked.
They both leaned over him.
Mr K straightened his tie. "I'm telling you nothing! Only this…"
"Here we go…" Pol said, standing back, his arms crossed.
"…There are forces at work far darker than me…"
"Oh give over!" Hungary laughed.
The sound of a mobile phone playing 'Born This Way' interrupted them.
"Just a moment, honey," Poland said and pressed a button. "Hi sweetie! Liet! Where are you? Vilnius? How boring! Really? Yes we heard. So America, England and France are going to save the world? Oh my God! You are so funny!" Pol giggled. Lithuania was obviously reporting England's strange and desperate phone call.
"No they're not. They are locked up!" Mr Kumajiro said.
Pol looked at the diminutive villain, "Afraid not. They got out. In the name of Judy Garland, I don't know how." Pol then realised that perhaps he should not have told Mr K that they'd escaped. But shrugged instead. "Okay Liet honey, I have to go. Got a world to save! Mwah mwah!" he kissed the receiver loudly and raised an eyebrow at Hungary.
"Can't you just use your magic, mon cher, to bring Russia back? Accio Russia or something?" France asked England as they dashed around the zoo, passing a suspicious looking small boy selling balloons three times. France was exhausted. He'd had no lunch and he hadn't fixed his hair which he was sure was a mess.
England glared at him, "Don't be silly, Francis. Of course… Actually…"
They'd been dashing round and round the zoo for two hours, had already lost America, who had gone off to look at the monkeys, clutching his candy floss (which England hated - he was sure America would have a sugar high and then a 'low' later) and had been followed by children staring at his tail. America still didn't realise he had a tail…
"Quick behind these loos," England whispered, pulling France with him.
"Oh lala! Mon cher, I knew you cared for me non?" France said, swooning.
"Get off me, you pervert!" England said, taking out his wand. "I'm going to try what you said. Summon Russia. I've done it before. Then we can ring Belarus, tell her we've got her brother, I can sort out this bloody war with Spain and I can go home in time for Gardeners World!"
France pulled a face. The vagaries of the English were beyond him. "Eet eez disgusting, ze porn zat you watch…"
"It's a bloody programme about gardening! Anyway, shut up you mad idiot!" England yelled. "Accio Russia!" he shouted, waving his wand in the air.
Nothing happened.
France looked bored and picked at his fingernails. "We should find ze boy, mon cher."
"Dad England?" came a familiar voice.
"Oh no, not him…"
The small boy, selling balloons, tapped him on the shoulder. "Jerk Dad England, what yer doin'?"
"Why aren't you at bloody school?"
"School trip," Sealand said. Too smoothly, England thought.
"Really? All the way from Sweden?"
"I live in Finland at the moment. Keep up."
"Why are you selling balloons?"
"Gotta make money somehow. You don't give me any pocket money."
"Tut tut, you are a terrible parent," France said.
"Hey! I just bought a balloon off some kid but it's already burst!" America yelled, skidding around the corner.
"It was only a quid!" Sealand protested.
"Give him his money back," England said.
"I won't! He's got more money than me anyway!"
"We don't have time for this," England said. "Accio Russia!" England tried again. Nothing happened. Again.
"That Harry Potter rubbish won't work without a proper wand, Artie," America said, as if he knew what he was talking about. He said this as he tried to steal another balloon from Sealand.
"Where have you lot been anyway?" Sealand asked nonchalantly, holding his balloons out of America's way.
"We were captured by bad dudes," America told him. "We're now trying to save the world. I need to buy more candy floss. I also could do with a coke." He wandered off, dragging his string with a flat balloon. It was perhaps the saddest thing France had seen all day, or all morning - for a while at least.
This changed when something large flumped next to them and Pru and Den suddenly jumped almost on top of them.
"Ace! Dragon! Wait… is that the dragon that ate my cake?" Sealand asked.
"Yes, it is…" England said. "Ah, Gilbert, Matthias, I'm glad you two are here," (He wasn't) "You can help us find Russia." (They wouldn't.) "And then I might just buy you a pint as a reward." (He wouldn't.)
"Uncle Den…" Sealand said, circling Denmark as if he was his arch enemy. "We meet again."
"Yo kid! Did yer do your homework?"
"Haven't got any!"
"He's on a school trip," England said. "Right, blokes. We have more feet on the ground to find Russia, if he is here that is…"
"School trip? You don't have a school trip today! Besides, you've been banned from school trips after that incident in the Viking Museum at Oslo. Although to be honest, who goes to Oslo apart from Norge, I don't know," Den said.
England side-stepped the large 20 foot green dragon now blocking their way. Non-Nations, i.e. humans, looked increasingly confused as they found themselves bumping into an invisible barrier.
"Never mind all that, we need to find Russia!" England called behind him.
"He doesn't even care how we escaped, does he, Den?" Pru said.
Den shook his head, but glared at Sealand. "I dunno why you're here but I think it's something to do with that polar bear."
Pru launched into a long monologue about how they escaped, "Mr Ping saved us! He likes me, but doesn't like Den. I think he sees me as an alpha male. He crashed through the massive window and we got a bit wet." (They were very wet.) "I didn't know dragons were such good swimmers, did you Den? Anyway we jumped on board and he swam through that crappy river Thames up here. We saw you lot from 100 foot up in the air. Well we saw that poncy France in his pink shorts. In fact I bet them shorts could be seen from space. Actually, Den could smell America's candy floss." (Den was nodding at this.) "So we thought we'd come down and have a look."
But England wasn't listening. He had run into a gift shop and was trying to negotiate with the shopkeeper there.
"Good idea, can you buy me a cuddly lion?" America asked, coming up behind him.
England ignored him - and France - who was trying on hats and sunglasses. It seemed only he was interested in saving the world.
"Excuse me, do you have any chalk?"
"If it's not on the shelves then no," the woman replied. She looked as if she was sucking a lemon. She glared at France, "Is he with you?"
"Kind of. I'm sorry but do you have any kind of marker pen or something that can be sprayed onto a pavement," England asked. "This is urgent."
"Are you a vandal? We've had problems before with people vandalising our seats."
"No, my good woman," England said, drawing himself up to his full height… "I need to draw a pentagram on the floor in washable chalk to summon a demon."
She stared at him.
"Do you think these sunglasses suit me, mon cher?" France called from across the shop.
England ignored the Frenchman, "This is a case of national emergency," he told the woman.
She raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly, King Henry appeared beside England, "Chalk, Arthur!" he said and dissipated again. Clearly the dead king had got used to appearing and disappearing.
The woman fainted.
England ran out and began drawing a pentagram on the pavement.
"You can't just draw stuff on there," a security man said, standing next to England. "I suggest you put down the chalk and back away before I call the police. I know your sort."
England was about to protest but Alfred suddenly appeared from nowhere (still holding his candy floss) or probably from the gift shop and took the man down with a rugby tackle. "Do it, Artie!" Alfred yelled melodramatically. "Save the world! I'll watch your back."
England carried on but was then interrupted by a gathering crowd who were muttering:
"What's he doing?"
"I don't know. Is it some kind of performance art?"
"What's that strange man in the pink shorts doing?"
"Mummy, I'm scared."
England tried to ignore them all. It was difficult though.
"Draw man, draw!" America yelled dramatically.
England finally finished and stood in the middle of the pentagram, a cool wind blew through his already unruly hair. He considered calling up a cup of tea and a bourbon cream biscuit but there were more important considerations.
He raised his wand.
"Is this a publicity stunt for that new Harry Potter book?" someone yelled.
England shut everyone out. He raised his wand (he could really have done with wearing his cloak and his hat but needs must…) and began to chant, "Egbert, Aethelwulf, Aethelbald, Aethelbert…" England paused. He'd forgotten the next king in line and so changed tack. (Often calling up old kings enhanced his powers.) He panicked then with everyone watching him, "Erm, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub. In the name of Camberwick Green, Trumpton, Chigley, I call on you, un-named demon from the frozen lands of the north!" he thrust his wand in the air and hoped for the best.
There was a giggle (probably from France) and then a hushed silence as indeed, a blue flame ejected from the wand into the air.
Even America, still sat on the security guard, looked impressed.
England stepped back as the air grew cold and then colder still. The sky above him darkened and briefly the sun was eclipsed. His mind had been on Russia so surely the Russian Nation should appear? England was unsure, he'd never done this spell while sober…
"Is this it? The end of the world?" Den asked him, handing him a beer.
England wondered briefly where Den had acquired beer from - here in a zoo, but then took it anyway.
"I've always loved you," Pru said to Den, looking up at the sky as lightning flashed and black clouds roiled.
"Yeah me too," Den muttered - whether he meant he loved him back or himself is not clear.
Sealand released his ninety-nine balloons - all red - into the sky. "Won't need these now," he said gloomily. "Jerk Dad England has set off the Apocalpyse. Well done!" he turned to Den, "I'll tell Mum Fin and Dad Swe it was your fault."
"Oh dear…" England said as a figure began to emerge from the cold mist…
To be continued…
Author's Notes:
Obviously Pugh Pugh etc is from that very old children's UK TV series Trumpton
Egbert, Aethelwulf etc are old English kings