Chapter 4

Despite those "almost nightmares", the night was much quieter than the one before - for both of them.

Catherine got up around 6 am, thinking that being in bed since the early afternoon the day before was enough. She took a shower, checked on Steve who was still fast asleep, muted his cell so it wouldn't wake him in case a text or a call comes in, put it back on the nightstand and went into the living room again, leaving the door ajar so she could still monitor him for any signs of distress.

At around 10 she started to feel hungry, put her book aside and ordered breakfast for two, hoping that Steve would wake up soon.

She was half way through her breakfast when her phone started to ring – at maximum volume.

It startled her for a moment and while taking the call she looked to the still blanketed figure on the bed, but Steve didn't even stir.

"Hey," she said in a low voice. "How are you doing?"

"Hey, Catherine. Hope you've found a nice hotel. Have you two caught up with everything? How's the city?"

"Yes, we found a good hotel, not too big not too small, but they have a great breakfast. Great selection and great taste. We are still working on catching up though and we haven't explored the city yet. Any more questions?"

"Yes, why are you whispering?"

"I am not whispering, I am just speaking in a low voice, because Steve is asleep and I.."

"At this time? You went out yesterday? I thought you haven't explored the city yet."

"No, we didn't go out. He just…needs some sleep."

"You sound concerned."

"I am. He is way more exhausted and burnt out than I thought."

"You still love that man, do you?"

"Yes, I do. With all my heart and nothing is going to change that."

"Then what are you two waiting for? He loves you too."

"How do you know he still loves me? I mean after everything I've done."

"You told me he was not feeling well, kind of needed to find the way back to himself, that he left his home and his friends. But he lets you stay. What does all that tell you?"

"From that angle…could be."

"It could be? Oh…come on. You both have sacrificed enough for your country and other people. Let the next generation take over. Now go for it. Get some happiness, will you? Before it is too late. Asked me. I know what I am talking about."

"I know. And I try. Promise"

"Okay. Have a nice time. Keep me posted. Love you sweetie."

"Love you too, grandma. Take care."

Catherine sighed deeply. 'Grandma is right. But we still have a long way to go till we get there,' she thought to herself. She threw another glance at Steve, he faced the door now, but apart from that there was no change there, still wrapped into his blanket and still asleep – almost 24 hours now.

Catherine took a closer look at him and even from the door she noticed his almost pale complexion – just like he had yesterday – and even in his sleep his features looked stressed and strained. Thinking about with what they might have to deal with she decided to rest a bit too.

The moment she put her head on the pillow Steve decided to wake up. With still weary eyes he just looked at her. "Hey, sleepy head," she said smiling at him. "Hey," was all he answered. "You okay?" He closed his eyes again, opened it a few seconds later and with an almost invisible shake of his head he said "no."

"Yeah, sorry. Dumb question. I know you aren't. How are you feeling?" He darted a glance at her that said "seriously?", but after a few seconds he answered:" tired, exhausted, pathetic, lost, weak, depressed, sad, sore, moody, angry, burnt out and everything else out of this department. That good enough for you?" he snapped.

"It's a start. How about hungry?" she asked unfazed by his petulance.

"No, not really."

"How about a sandwich at least?"

"Come on, we just had breakfast."

"Yeah, I did. Yours was about 24 hours ago."

"What do you mean?"

"Steve, you slept for almost 24 hours and although I can see you can use more, I think you should think about food and something to drink too."

He thought a moment about it then he said "okay, I just need the bathroom and a shower."

When he returned a for him unusual long thirty minutes later, he was clean-shaven. He went to the mini-bar, took a bottle of water, downed it in one draft and said "I'm hungry. Do you think we can get something decent somewhere?"

Surprised by his sudden change of behavior it took a moment to answer "we can try the one we've seen on the way in or - I did some research this morning - there is a nice little restaurant – at least it looks the way on their website – near the lighthouse you wanted to take a pic of to send it to Danny."

"Okay, let's do that. Not sure about the picture though."

"Why not? You wanted to do that from the get-go and I think he would just LOVE to get that."

"You sure? Haven't heard anything from him since I texted him back that I missed him too."

"Maybe he wants to give you some time and space for yourself. And I don't think there is a rule that he has to text you first. Come on, take that picture. He will be thrilled. I promise you."

"Okay, but let's eat first. Think it might look better at dusk."

The sun was shining, it was about 72 °F and no wind at all. They decided to walk to the restaurant which took them about 20 minutes. On the way they looked at the boutiques, bars and other shops they were passing and chatted about which of them they might want to visit while they were in town. It was a casual conversation and nothing indicates what kind of circumstances has brought them here. They looked just like friends who were walking down the street exploring the town.

They took a table outside and ordered steak, salad, fries and beer.

They took their time and enjoyed sitting in the sun an ordered two more beers. They didn't order a dessert though and after they had paid, they walked to the lighthouse. The setting sun brought a great light and Steve took the picture, but didn't send it as he had intended to do.

"That's beautiful. Like I told you Danny is going to love it," Catherine said excitedly.

Steve didn't respond.

"You didn't send it." It was a statement not a question. He still didn't answer. Instead he looked away, out to the ocean. "Why not?" Catherine said annoyed. "You really think that he is that pissed at you? When we came here, tut, when we were still on the plane the first thing you wanted to do was to take that damn picture! And now? Nothing? No? huh?" Steve felt awkward. He took his gaze away from the ocean, but was now staring at his hands and looked kind of like a small child standing in front of a principal. "Hey look at me. I am talking to you," Catherine said with a bit more force than she had intended. It made Steve flinch and he finally looked up – embarrassment and insecurity how to explain written all over his face. "I can't," he whispered.

"Why not?"

"Because…because he doesn't know you are here."

"That's a problem? I thought you wanted to send a pic of the lighthouse not of me."

"Yeah, but he's gonna call me, asking questions and then I have to tell him. I don't want to lie to him on top of it all."

"I don't understand. I mean, I had the impression you like me being here. If not, just tell me and I'll leave. I don't want to embarrass you."

"That's not it and you know it."

"No, Steven. I don't. As I said before I know you have a hard time right now, but sometimes I just don't…"

"I told him I have to do this alone, Catherine" Steve interrupted. Now you are here. How does that look to him, huh? That he wasn't good enough to help me? That I had enough of his company? That, that…" he started to stutter and was at a loss for words.

"It's not like you invited me, Steve. And I understand that you need time alone and I'm willing to give you that, but it is not an option to deal with all that by yourself. I understand that you needed to go away for a while and didn't want to talk to everyone on your "first step", but I think you should stay in touch with Danny. And I don't think he will call you. He is going to respect your privacy too, but I am sure he'd like to hear from you and he won't come here just because he knows where you are. There won't be any questions like "Are you alone or who is with you?" And even if I'll explain it to him. Please, Steve. Don't make it even more complicated than it already is. Okay…okay?" With the last two sentences she touched his shoulder and squeezed it lightly with the last "okay".

He nodded, took a moment to compose himself, then he took out his cell and sent the picture to Danny.

"Can we sit on that bench for a while?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure. Why not? I have nothing else planned for today."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts.

Then Steve said "It's just that I don't even know where to start with this journey, how to fix the mess and how to deal with it. I am not stupid. I know that everyone on the team was worried about me and I think that is why Danny finally talked to me and I made the decision to do something before it will affect my work. But…but I didn't know what to tell him, where did I take the wrong road and I had or better still have to figure that out. Sometimes I am just desperate and think I am losing it, that I can't deal with all that. Then I think I have to, because otherwise I will lose my mind. I kind of feel like I am in a labyrinth and like I always come back to the same place. There is no progress – at all. It is still a downward spiral and I am still in it, but I also feel stuck. Catherine, don't get me wrong. I really love having you here, but I don't want to pull anyone down with me, especially not you or Danny. I think everyone around me who cares has suffered or worried enough. Does this make any sense to you?"

Hearing Steve say so much about his feelings at one time astonished Catherine and she took a moment to answer.

"With all you've been through I can't even imagine how you feel.

But firstly, I am glad you told me and secondly, I still think you shouldn't do this alone. I know you are trained to withstand nearly everything, but trained or not there is only an amount of what someone can take – physically and mentally – because again - trained or not trained - you are still human. You endured many many things to your body as well as to your soul and you bounced back every time. You returned to your training, your missions, your cases. You've worried about everyone and you put everyone else first no matter what, but you've never took time to tend to your own wounds and pain. And now you need to do that and you will need help with that. Whether it is from me or Danny or someone else is up to you. There are a lot of people out there who are willing to help you and Danny and I would do anything and everything for you, but you must be willing to learn to except that help. Please, don't go through this alone." His eyes were full of unshed tears again and they were ready to fall any second. He knew she was right. This was exactly what he was telling each and everyone else who was in trouble, because of friendship or family or whatever reasons, but being – willingly -on the receiving end was entirely different - at least when it comes to private stuff.

She pulled him into a hug and whispered into his ear "Just promise to think about it."

And that was it. The tears started to fall freely again, he hugged her back, holding on to her like he never wanted to let her go again. The crying continued for several minutes before he finally stopped and said "I think I've never cried so much in my life."

"I know, but there is no shame in that. Just let it out."

She pressed a soft kiss on his temple and hugged him again – just a little tighter than before.

Another few minutes passed then he said "I think Danny texted back – about half an hour ago". He tried to smile, but with his still puffy eyes it looked more like a grimace, but when he opened the text his smile grew wider.

"Really, Steven? Jersey? You finally listened to me. Never thought I'd live to see that."

"It was the only destination available that day."

"I don't believe you. Flight tickets are usually sold out, because everyone wants to see that beautiful place. Thought my list of places worth to go was wasted. Glad it isn't."

"Not sure. Looked at some of the menus online, but I couldn't find pizza with pineapple?"

Imagining Danny's face at that message his smile got brighter.

"But the sandwiches made up for it."

Danny texted back "You are still a schmuck! Try to enjoy some of the time you'll stay there. Keep me posted. Love you. Danno."

"Love you too."

He looked at Catherine. "Thank you for pressing me to send the picture."

"You are very welcome. You ready to go back to the hotel? It's getting a bit chilly now that the sun is gone."

They stood up and walked back. About 500 yards from the hotel Steve took Catherine's hand and squeezed it slightly. When she looked at him, he said "I'll try."

Happy that the very first tiny step from many many more was done she smiled at him and put a soft kiss on his temple again.