Chapter 5
Back at the hotel they went straight to bed. Steve had already yawned a few times on the way to the hotel in the elevator and on the way up to their room. Both of them were almost asleep when Steve said "Thank you for today, Catherine. I needed that."
"I know." Smiling she bent forward and kissed his cheek again. "Good night. I love you."
'Oh, my god' she thought. 'What have I just done? Maybe he didn't hear.' But her hope was short-lived when he said "Come again."
She blushed, but then she thought 'Why not? It's the truth. So what?'
"I said I love you. I always have and I always will. This just isn't the way I was going to tell you, though. I'm sorry. It just came out."
"I…don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. It would be best if you can pretend like it didn't happen at all, but I think this isn't exactly possible, right?" She sighed deeply "I'm sorry Steve, really."
"Why? I mean why are you sorry? I'm confused. You just said you love me and now you apologize? So, you didn't mean it?"
"Of course, I mean it. You are the love of my life, Steve. It's just that I wanted to talk to you first, clear things between us, see how much we can repair. But I also wanted you to get your life together again first, before we fix things between the two of us. You have enough to deal with already. I didn't want to add to this – again. That's why I am sorry."
"'kay. I still don't know what to say, I don't even know what to think. I feel like my brain is going to explode any minute. It is too much to comprehend right now." He closed his eyes and concentrated on falling asleep which he did about five minutes later. He was just too exhausted and beat-up to hold on to his thoughts even if they were important. Catherine lay awake for another two hours. She was angry at herself and thought about ways to fix her mistake, but she was very tired as well and when sleep finally claimed her she hadn't come up with anything useful. She didn't get much sleep though. Steve was tossing and turning all night, moaned and mumbled in is sleep and had nightmare after nightmare. Catherine was able to prevent the worst by either talking to him soothingly or touching or even hugging him, but he was still uneasy the whole night and when he dreamed about Danny again even Catherine wasn't able to calm him anymore. Just like the first night he was struggling against her, but his time she wasn't able to hold him down. Suddenly he sat upright like he wanted to ran to Danny to save him, to not let him die again. Catherine who, in a useless effort to comfort him, still had her hands on him wasn't able to stop his sudden outbreak. He slapped her hands aside and she lost the last chance of getting him under control again. He was still screaming alternating between "No! Danny! and god, please" when he woke up. He was disoriented, his eyes were still filled with the terror he just had experienced, his breathing was rapid and erratic and he was sweating profusely.
"Steve," Catherine called softly. No reaction. She tried it again and again, getting a notch louder every time and when it finally got through to him, he turned to face her and what she saw broke her heart. Although his eyes were full of tears again, they still showed the horror of the dream. He was desperately trying to get his breathing under control again, to draw in enough air to get the rest of his body to function again. All in all, he looked like 10 years older. Catherine tried to touch him again, hoping that the contact would help him with his efforts somehow, but he recoiled from her like she was the one causing all the pain. He got out of bed and to the furthest corner of the room. Then he faced her again and tried to clear his blurry vision. When he finally achieved his task, he stared at her for a moment before he recognized who she was. He was relieved that he wasn't in immediate danger, but he didn't know what to do with this realization either. He looked at Catherine, completely deranged and upset and on the verge of a total breakdown. And then it happened. His hands started to tremble and he burst into tears again. She was by his side in an instant and put her arms around him in an effort to get his now shaking body under control. "I can't do this anymore, I can't, I just can't. Losing him every night is unbearable," he said in a voice choked with tears and then his knees buckled. If Catherine hadn't held him in such a tight hug he would have collapsed right to the floor. She didn't know exactly how she did it, but she managed to cushion the impact for both of them, she then carefully laid him on his side. She went back to the bed and grabbed both blankets and his pillow. She hurried back, put one blanket on the floor, rolled Steve over to his other side. Having him now on the blanket he put the pillow under his head and spread the other blanket over his body. Then she crawled under the blanket behind him and hugged him again. He was still shaking and crying and Catherine didn't know what else to do, so she started to speak to him again in a calm voice. After a few minutes the shaking slowly faded into a slight trembling, the crying into small sobs and the still labored breathing into a more regular one and then his body went limp – exhaustion had taken him.
The rest of the night was uneventful as Steve stayed asleep in Catherine's arms and Catherine fell asleep as well after another hour awake as the worry for her love had taken a toll on her too.