Chapter 6

It wasn't until eight hours later that Steve started to stir again. His head hurt, he felt disoriented and groggy, but even half-awake he noticed immediately that he was lying on the floor – even if it felt soft – and something restricted him. He started to struggle against it. Catherine didn't let go though. "Shhh, you are safe, calm down, everything is fine."

"What happened?" The moment he had asked the question the memories came flooding back and with it, embarrassment and anger. He started to struggle again. "Let go, Catherine!"

"No, sailor. That is something I won't do. Try to relax. Breath slowly."

"I messed up."

"No, you didn't"

"I did. Look at us."

"Being worried about your best friend who just got hurt badly isn't exactly "messing up" for me."

"I'm a mess."

"Yes, you are. But we will fix it. Do you want to get up?"

"No."

"Okay, then, try to relax, your whole body is cramped."

She kissed his neck and temple, loosened her hold on him and started to massage his right shoulder and arm, then further down to his lower back. She could tell that it hurt him, because there was not one soft spot on the way down, but she continued, hoping that it would bring some kind of comfort. After about 10 minutes he rolled onto his stomach, giving her access to his whole back and it got even worse there. His whole back was hard and tense. She had planned on pulling his shirt up and giving him a real massage, but feeling the cramped flesh she didn't dare anymore. She left the shirt where it was and just rubbed him gently from his shoulder blades to his hips - again and again. It didn't exactly loosen the muscles, but she could feel some of the tenseness leaving his body and after some time, she noticed that he was asleep again.

She tucked him in again and went to the bathroom for a quick shower. It was way too late for breakfast so she ordered sandwiches again. An hour later Steve woke up. The headache was better, but he still felt sore all over. Catherine was by his side – just in case. "Do you want to get up now?"

"Yeah, need the bathroom anyway."

While he took care of his business Catherine arranged the bed. When he came out, he went straight for it. She caught him by his arm and said "I want you to eat and drink something first."

"Not hungry," came the reply.

"Okay, I let that slide for now, but you have to drink a bottle of water."

They went to the couch. He took the bottle from the table were Catherine had placed it beside one of the sandwiches she had left and emptied it sip by sip. When he had finished, he took a bite of the sandwich as well. It tasted awesome and he noticed that he was hungry after all and ate it up completely. "Do you want more? I have another one in the mini-bar to keep it fresh."

"No, thanks. It is enough for now." They sat in silence for a while.

"You want to talk, right?" Steve asked?

"Yes, I need to talk to you – about a lot of things, but one is a priority."

"I remember you told me to pretend like nothing has happened."

"No, not about that," she smiled. "But it is nice that you tried. No, this is about your sleep or better the lack of it. And please don't freak out. Listen, till I have finished and then I want your opinion. Can you do that?"

He nodded "okay."

Catherine took a deep breath and then she started to talk. "I have a friend. She is a psychologist."

Steve somehow knew that the conversation would take that direction and he wasn't pleased with it. But he had more or less promised her to hear her out. So, he just sat on the couch and looked at the ground again. He knew he needed help – a lot of it – but it was still hard to accept it and a psychologist was the last person he wanted to talk to.

"I told her about you. And no, I didn't tell her your name. I just told her that you worked special ops, that you are in law enforcement now, that you had a lot of personal losses and tragedies over the last 10 years, that you have a lot of nightmares…"

"You told her about last night?" Steve interrupted shouting angrily.

"What about letting me finish? And no, I haven't."

"Then how do you know about the nightmares?" he interrupted again, almost furious.

"Steve, please," she pleaded. He fell silent, but she could see that he was upset.

"I also told her that you haven't had a decent sleep in a long time and about your profound dislike of any kind of pills or anything similar.

After knowing all that, she agreed with me that the first and foremost thing to do is to get you some dreamless and peaceful sleep of at least eight hours on three consecutive days. She recommended a pill. Yes, it is a strong one that will get you the required amount of sleep, but it won't put you out right away. It will take about half an hour to take effect. And you won't feel groggy when you wake up.

It is designed to help people to get some rest in an acute very difficult time, it is not for people with chronic insomnia and it is not a trivial sleeping pill. If it helps you the way it should we can have another treatment a month later and then another month later over a period of a year. She offered her help, but I declined it for now. To answer your question: I know about your nightmares, because you've already had them when we were living together. From what I've seen over the last few days they just became more severe and frequent and I assume that didn't just happen last week." Pause "Now it is your turn."

Steve continued to stare at the floor. He didn't know what to say. What Catherine had said made sense, but still…

"Steve." No response. "Hey, Steve." She touched his hand. "Look at me." He did. "It's a tough subject and I know you need some time for yourself to process and to make a decision. Take your time. I am going to the bedroom and continue my book. If you have any questions you can ask me. If I can't answer them, we can call my friend, because she can. You don't even have to talk to her if you don't want to. I can ask, okay?" He nodded. Catherine got up, took her book and went to the bedroom. Steve sat on the couch for over an hour. He debated with himself whether to take the offer or not. He had questions, doubts and reservations. He finally got up and leaned against the doorframe of the bedroom. Catherine looked up and immediately saw that he had nothing decided yet. But she hadn't expected anything else. "I have questions and I need some fresh air. Would you mind accompanying me?"

"I'd love to. But you should change your clothes before that. Although I think some women out there would love to see you in just that."

"You think?" he smiled back.

They headed down the same street they had taken yesterday, just in the other direction. They found a small bistro, took a table outside and ordered cold cokes.

Four minutes later the waitress brought them and after they both took a sip Steve sighed and started to talk. "As I said before, I left Hawaii to sort things out, think about what went wrong and where and try to find a way to change the direction my life is going right now. Danny asked me what I was looking for and I said peace. But I can't find peace before I haven't fixed myself. I wanted to do this alone. You and Danny told me not to. And honestly, I don't know anymore. But I am also reluctant with medication, because I don't want to suppress everything and you know my body doesn't really tolerate a lot of them. I want to make things better for good. And I don't want a psychologist. I've had my share of them and although at least a few were helpful I don't see that as an option here. And I don't want to involve Danny or you either – for several reasons. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. What I do know is that I need help – fast – and that means I have to choose the best of the bad things." He sighed again. "If it is true what your friend said about the pills, I would like to try that, but I have questions and the most important one is do you trust her?"

"Yes. Without any doubt!"

"Everyone is different. How does she know I will sleep for eight hours?"

"She doesn't. It is just an average. Most people do. You will probably sleep a bit less the first one to three times, because you usually fight this kind of meds. But you can compensate with some extra naps during the day. And if you see that the pills do what they are supposed to do without undesirable effects your mind will accept them and you'll get the promised outcome."

"What if I have a nightmare? How do I get out of it if I can't wake up?"

"There aren't any nightmares. Remember, this is the purpose of it all."

"But what if?"

"There is no "if"" Steven. "It's like getting anesthetic. Have you ever had a nightmare or dreams at all during a surgery?"

"No. What's in it for her?"

"What? For Julie? Nothing. Why do you ask that?"

"Because I am not her patient and I don't want to be. I don't even know her and she doesn't know me and still she is prescribing high quality medication."

"Right, that is not exactly common, but she knows a lot about you, because I've told her – which I told you. But it is not illegal to do so. You only get the three pills for your first treatment. If you want to continue you need another prescription. No chance to get addicted."

"But enough to kill oneself."

"True, but you can do that with over the counter pills as well. No need to involve a doctor if that is your goal."

"Will she ever have a say in how or if we do things?"

"Not until you say so."

"Not even if I do all twelve "sessions"?"

"No. It is your decision."

He stared at the table for a while and then asked awkwardly and with a slight embarrassment in his voice "Will you stay with me during the first three nights?"

"Of course, I will," she smiled.

"Then I would like to give it a try. When will we be able to start?"

"If you want tonight."

"What? How? You...you already have the pills?!" He got angry again thinking she had decided "behind his back".

"No, but I can give her a call and she will fax the prescription to the drugstore and we can pick it up right away – if they have it in stock that is. Since she is military her license is valid everywhere in the US. She just has to mail the original paper. But we can wait a day or two, if you feel safer that way."

"No, no it is okay. I might change my mind if we do."

"Let's go then. I call her on the way."

They paid and went to the next drugstore, giving the fax number to Julie. The fax came in about 20 minutes after Catherine had called her friend. As promised, she got the medication without any problems and they went back to the hotel.

"I'd like to take a shower first and have a shave."

"Sure, no problem. When you are done, I'd like to put some cream on your hand and re-bandage it."

"My hand is fine. My mind needs fixing."

Steve came out of the bathroom about 15 minutes later. 'What happened to the "Navy-shower"?' Catherine thought. "Hey, I thought you wanted to shave."

"Yeah, can't hold the razor. Fingers are too stiff."

"So much for "my hand is fine". How about this: I give you a shave then you take the pill then I tend to your hand and then we go to bed."

"A shave? You would do that?"

"Won't be the first time. So, no worries there. You want it or not?"

"Yes, please."

Said and done. Fifteen minutes after they went to bed, Steve felt the effect of the pill. He had trouble keeping his eyes open. Although he had done everything willingly his mind started to fight the medication – old habits die hard. "Hey, sailor, don't fight it." He was only half awake, his eyelids already closed. "'m scared," he mumbled.

"Don't be," Catherine said softly while stroking his hair and forehead. "Just sleep. It'll be fine. You need this. You'll be safe." And he was. Safe from everything bad that had kept him awake or made him wake up in terror for the past few month.