Chapter 7

It was around 6 am when Steve showed the first sign of waking. He was still asleep, but Catherine noticed a change in his breathing pattern. But it took him 30 minutes more to finally open his eyes. He still wasn't fully awake yet and his lids closed again. He dozed for another fifteen minutes. When he opened his eyes again, they looked clear and alert. "Hey there. How are you feeling?"

"Still tired, but I don't know…kind of rested too."

"That's good. What about the headache?"

"Which headache?"

"The one you woke up with yesterday and nursed the whole day?"

"How…? It's gone."

"Good. What do you think about breakfast today? The sandwiches are awesome here, but I'd like to have something else for a change."

"Can…can we just stay here a bit longer?"

"Sure, we can. No hurry."

Steve was glad he had a good night's sleep. He really felt better than when he had woken up the last few months. He enjoyed the warmth of the bed and he was grateful for Catherine's presence, but he still had a lot on his mind and he knew he needed to talk to Catherine about some of it soon. It was important to him, but he had to think about how to do that. It was more than deciding about what to have for dinner. All the thinking made his head hurt again and he hadn't come up with anything yet. "Something on your mind I can help you with?" He opened his eyes and looked at her. He reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers. "Always know when something is going on, huh? And yes, actually there is something, but not now, okay?"

"I'm ready when you are." They stayed in bed for another hour, silently enjoying each other's presence, touch and scent both knowing that they had missed that, needed it and that there might be an end to it again. Catherine was the first who got up to take a shower. Steve followed soon after she was out of the bathroom. He took his time again. He enjoyed the hot water running over his skin - it made his muscles feel less sore. When he came out Catherine put some cream and a fresh bandage on his hand again. The bruises on his knuckles had a yellowish-purple color now and the swelling on his wrist had gone down, but was still visible.

They went down to the dining room of the hotel and ordered the "Big breakfast" which had everything from toast, fruit and pancakes to bacon, eggs and sausage. After the last few days where they had fasted more or less it felt like paradise now. They were both hungry and finished everything off including some refills of coffee and juice. "I'd like to talk to you about something, but not here, Steve said. "It's sensitive. Maybe we can find a place outside and more private." After the coolness the day before with only 57° F and some wind it was quite warm again today. The sun was shining and the thermometer showed 73°F. Due to the weather and the rich breakfast they just had they decided to walk again. They found a nice place on a bench at the beach about an hour away from the hotel. They sat down and looked at the ocean for some time. Steve needed some time to collect himself and Catherine waited patiently for him to be ready. He sighed deeply before he started. "Catherine…don't get me wrong. I love having you here and I appreciate what you did." A lump started to form in Catherine's throat. She was afraid that Steve was about to send her away, willing to put his plan into action to deal with everything alone. After yesterday she thought she had talked him into a different direction. "But...I…I…I…need to know how long you are going to stay. I wanted to do things alone, but now I think you are right. I need someone to come along. But it is going to be a long road and I…I..." his voice started to break "and losing my escort before the end could mean to get lost in the psychological jungle completely. I…I am…I am scared, Catherine."

"Steve," Catherine took his hands in hers. "Look at me." He raised his head slowly and looked at her. "I will stay as long as you want me to. There is nothing in this world that is going to keep from it. I promise."

"But you have to go back to work and I don't think it will be over then."

"There is no work Steve. I quit everything. All the time I have now is for you."

"What? But? How? I mean..."

"That was one of the things that I wanted to talk to you about. Last year after our good bye on the tarmac I was so distraught I cried through the whole flight back. Leaving you again, knowing it is going to be a long time till we would see us again. I had enough of it. I started to make plans. Right after landing I told my supervisor that I wanted out, but while I was away something had come up again. We had worked on that before and I had to go back in to try and finish what hadn't worked out last time. We knew it was going to be a long mission – which actually ended just a month ago – and we had to start soon, so briefing someone else wasn't an option. I agreed, but made clear that it was the last time. So here I am. Unemployed and free to do whatever I want. And that is staying with you as long as you want me to. That's a promise."

"I don't know what to say. I mean…What do you want to do for a living? What about…everything? Catherine, you said you were happy with what you were doing. Now you threw it away? I…don't understand."

"They'll pay me for another three months. After that I'll get some money back from an investment, I've made years ago, which will be enough for another nine to ten months. That means all in all I have about a year to find something else I want to do. And yes, I was happy for some time with what I did, but it changed. I wanted something else. When I've joined the Navy, I've entered into a commitment as well. The country always comes first – and at that the sacrifice of everything else. I had no problem with that. I had loved what I was doing and I was proud of it – still am. I don't know why, maybe because I am older now, but I got tired of it a few years back. I was longing for something else. I didn't know exactly what, but something was missing in my life that I hadn't missed before. At first, I hadn't missed it, because I had it. After I had lost it, I didn't miss it, because I was still putting my job and my country first. Doing that I've hurt a lot of people on the way, some of them – including you – a lot. I've hurt myself too, but I didn't realize any of that, because it was my duty to do whatever and to go wherever I was ordered to. As I said that has changed over the last few years. And every time we had met it got harder and harder to go back to those places or missions. I've talked with my grandma about it and she told me what it was that I am missing. Happiness Steve. It is that simple. I talked to her the day after we arrived here and she told me again to let the next generation take over the battlefields and war zones and to get some happiness for myself. And I want to do that. I had it once and I want it back, Steve, desperately. Happiness and love."

Steve just met her with disbelief. That couldn't be true. She had worked so hard for her career and everything she had achieved. What was he supposed to say?

"It's a big decision. You sure about all that? There is no going back, you know?"

"I am sure. One hundred percent." They sat in silence for a few seconds. "I know I still have a lot of work to do to get your trust back after everything, but I am willing to do that. I'll give my eyeteeth for that. I know it's worth it. Question is, are you willing to try to forgive me? And do you really want me by your side through all this? It's a big decision too. Please, think about it before you answer. I'll accept whatever you decide."

"I am still stunned. That is life changing. I mean…it's a shock…somehow and hmm…I am speechless…again. After these last days there is nothing I want more. The last few months I thought I was losing control – and I think I did a few times for that matter – but now, I don't know, I have the feeling that you can help me get that back or at least like you can take over when I am on the way to wreck everything. But it is going to be hard – for both of us. What you've seen the last two days is just the tip of the iceberg, Catherine. You should think about that too, before you say you are in. As for the other part, there is nothing to forgive. You had your reasons and I understand them now. Sure, I was hurt – badly even – and yet again Danny was the one you had put me together. I was beside myself for weeks. I could concentrate on the job, but being at home alone was hard for some time. I was angry at you and at me. But it was your job and you were dedicated to it. But if you feel better: apology accepted. I forgive you."

"Thank you. But just in case you forgot I had lied to you, Steve. I haven't gone to Nepal I went to Ukraine. I am sorry and if I had been able to, I would have changed that years ago. I should have told you were I was going. I owed you that much. I am truly sorry. For everything I've put you through and for everything that had hurt you." This time it was Catherine who had tears in her eyes, but Steve could still see the sincerity in it. "Yeah, I know. That had hurt a lot too. But I forgive you for that as well. You made up for this when we took revenge for Joe and you'll pay for the rest now," he smiled sadly, meaning it half as a joke and half sincere. She squeezed his hands and gave him another kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you. You won't regret this. I promise."