Chapter 9

Thankfully waking up wasn't any different than the day before. It took some time, but in the end, Steve was totally alert and felt rested. Just because it felt good, they also stayed in bed again for about an hour before they got up. Steve took the shower he had been too tired for yesterday. Catherine gave him a shave again and rebandaged his hand which looked much better now. "I think we can leave that out the day after tomorrow. You should be good then."

"At the latest."

"Yeah, I know you want to get rid of it, but you should leave it on for support for the next two days. It won't hurt. Now breakfast, downstairs again or has Danny written down a nice place for that too.?"

"No, no place for breakfast. Let's eat here again."

After the "feast" they have had yesterday, they just took toast, scrambled eggs and fruit today, but didn't decline refills of coffee and juice. Right after breakfast they took a cab to Hamilton Park, walked around for a bit before they sat down on a bench in floral gardens. They had a wonderful view of a beautiful flower arrangement. "You ready to hear my plan or do you want to talk about it later?" Catherine asked.

"No, just go ahead. The earlier we start the more time I get to think about it," he answered with a sad smile.

"Remember to hear me out first. It is just a plan, okay? Everything is still up in the air and it is up to you. You can even accept just parts of the plan or reject it at all. We can figure out something together then. And as I've said before, I want you to think about it before you decide. If you have questions and want me to get more detailed you can ask me of course. We can talk about everything, you know? I want you to know, that…?"

Steve held up his hand. "Catherine…I get the feeling that I won't like what you are going to tell me. Stop beating around the bush. Please just tell me."

"Okay, I am just nervous."

Steve chuckled "Yeah, me too."

"Yeah, sorry. Okay. Let's go." She breathed deeply. "They key to everything is to open up about the "things" that are bothering you or you are worrying about and which are causing your nightmares. Whether they are real incidents or not. I know that a lot of these triggers are classified, but I think there are also a lot which are not. If we start with those, then you might be able to adapt some of the resolutions we worked out for the ones you can't tell me. The next we have to attend to is your constitution. First, you have to exercise again. Swimming, running, riding, cycling – whatever you want, but under no circumstances you will carry it to extremes. Second, we have to loosen your muscles. I know some nice little exercises for that and I want to combine that with massages and relaxation exercises. Third, we are taking care of your fatigue. I know you feel tired and groggy most of the day, but I also know, that there are some lows at least once a day. I want you to lay down and take a nap or at least get some rest then. And we will stay with the pills three nights a month. The last thing is nutrition. It doesn't have to be healthy every time, but you have to eat and drink regularly again. That means at least 2,5 liter of liquid and two substantial meals a day. The latter applies for at least two months. No excuses will be excepted. After that we will see and re-evaluate. We'll start with each three talking- and PT-sessions a week and then we'll see if we have to adjust them later on. If you want to tell me something out of turn, I'm certainly there for you – any time."

'Now comes the tricky part,' Catherine thought. She paused for a moment and took a deep breath again before she continued. "Your whole life you've experienced a lot of trauma, both psychological and physical. The physical ones were taken care – at least most of the time – and they are mostly healed now without bothering you too much anymore, but the psychological ones are very deep and painful. I am here to listen to you and to help you in every other way I can, but I think there might be some events or fears you don't want to talk to me about. That's why I think you'll need someone else for that." She breathed deeply for the third time. 'God, that is much harder than I thought,' she thought.

"I don't want a f…. shrink," Steve thought.

"That's why I would like to involve Danny, "Catherine said.

"No! No way!," Steve yelled and stood up, causing some people to turn and look at them. "Please, Steve. Just hear me out. You promised."

She could feel anger radiating from his body like a fever and she could also see it. She could even understand that too, but she didn't want him to lose control again, especially not here – in public. "Steve, please," she said pleadingly and soothingly at the same time. "Sit down, please! Let me explain."

"There is nothing to explain. I told you I don't want Danny involved. I don't want anyone involved. Not even you. I want to do this alone. I don't want anyone to get hurt again because of me. Why don't you get that?" he screamed at her now. He was furious, his eyes full of rage, but he was also trying to fight back the tears again. He clenched and unclenched his fists and Catherine feared that he was going to punch something again. "Steve, please. Calm down. Come on, take deep breaths." Some of the people around them walked on, but some stayed and stared at them and still others took out their cell phones and started recording and taking pictures. 'Damn, I should have told him in the hotel room,' she thought. She stood up too and made a step towards him. She took his left hand in her right and started to rub his right arm and repeated "Steve, please. Calm down. Come on deep breaths. After two more times she embraced him and whispered in his ear "Come on, it's okay. You can do this. Relax. I love you. I am here." They stood like this for over two minutes then he embraced her too, buried his face into her shoulder and let go of the tears. Another two minutes passed. The people with the cell phones already had lost interest, because no violence was about to happen and who wants to film boring stuff? Steve finally stopped crying, but refused to let go of Catherine. She didn't loosen her hold either. The spectators who had seen the beginning of the incident were all gone and the people who approached now passed by without much interest took them for just a couple hugging each other. "You good to sit down again?" Catherine whispered in his ear. He let go of her and they silently walked the few steps back to the bench and sat down. Catherine waited for a minute to give them both some time to compose themselves. "Steve, please look at me." It took him a few seconds then he raised his head and did as requested. The tears had dried, but his eyes were still full of sadness. Catherine felt with him, but she had a mission she needed to accomplish and she needed to be strong for that. There was no time for her tears right now. She looked fondly at him and started to talk again. "Steve, I am sorry. I didn't want to hurt or annoy you. And I heard you when you've said you didn't want to involve anyone. I just think that you should talk to someone else than me as well. A person you trust with your deepest secrets and fears. A person you can be sure of won't give away what you've told them in confidence – not because they are bound to professional discretion, but because they respect you, understand what you are going through and love you. And I think Danny is that kind of person. You two are like brothers, like twins even when it comes to closeness and bonds. You two would die for each other without seconds thoughts. You are worried, because "you left Danny behind" as you had put it. I can imagine Danny is worried about you too – for several reasons. I am convinced you two can help each other a lot." She took his hands in hers, sighed and continued. "And I think Hawaii would be a great place for that. If you want it or not, it is your home. You love the beach and the ocean more than anything. You have Danny and Eddie and me. Perfect conditions for sports, hiking and recreation, perfect spots to unwind. And Steve, if someone is going after us, because we are close to you it's not your fault – it's theirs. And we will willingly and gladly take that risk, because our love and affection towards you is much bigger than our fear of getting hurt or losing you." She let go of his hands and put hers on either side of his head instead. "Please just think about it and take everything into consideration. If you decide against it, I won't argue. It's your decision. Take your time and tell me when you are ready. I love you." She put a soft kiss on his lips. "Okay?"

He nodded "Okay," he whispered. They sat in silence for a few minutes. "I'd like to go back to the hotel," Steve said. "I am beat."

As soon as they were back, Steve stripped and went to bed. He felt drained and his headache was back. He fell asleep shortly after he had covered himself with the blanket. Catherine sat beside him, thinking about what she could have done differently. She knew he would be upset, hadn't expect it to be that bad though. She still thought it was a good plan and had hoped for Steve's approval after he had thought about it thoroughly, but after his outburst she wasn't so sure anymore. They hadn't even started yet and Catherine had her first doubts whether this was out her league after all. She looked at Steve who was on his stomach, the front of his head facing away from her and sleeping peacefully. 'I just hope I did the right thing with this,' she thought. 'We just can't afford to screw this up.' Steve moaned beside her and started to get uneasy. Catherine put her hand on his neck and talked to him quietly which made him still instantly. She sighed and questioned her decision to tell him about Danny that early.

She was lost in thoughts when Steve woke up. He still looked tired and worn out and Catherine could tell he had a headache again. "You want to have some Tylenol?"

"No. Just let me rest." He closed his eyes again.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No…yes, some water?"

"One the way."

She brought a bottle of water and a glass and also two Tylenol from the bathroom. He just took the water and downed it and lay down again groaning. Ten minutes later he asked "Catherine?"

"I am here."

"Think I need the Tylenol after all. Would you mind getting some more water?"

"Just a second." She brought another bottle and he took both pills at once. He lay on the bed eyes closed, but dozing not sleeping for half an hour. "Feel better?" Catherine asked. "Yeah, headache is almost gone."

"How about the rest?" He thought for a moment, not sure if he should tell her the truth, already feeling his eyes welling up with tears again. But in the end, it burst out of him. "No, I am not got. I feel like crap, everything hurts and I can't stop thinking. My head is spinning" Despite all attempts to hold back, the tears started to fall again. "I can't even stop crying. I've never cried so much in my whole life. I hate being so damn weak. How did I end up like this?"

Catherine put one of her hands against his cheek again and put another kiss to his lips. "I told you before, you are not weak. If you were you would have given up years ago. And we'll get through this together – like I promised, okay?" He just kept crying. Catherine wasn't even sure if he had heard what she was saying. She moved a little closer and embraced him again. "Shh, it's okay. Just let it go. It's too much at once at the moment. I know. But it is getting better with time. I promise." The tears just kept coming, he couldn't stop, his right hand clung to the pillow in a death grip despite the pain he felt in his till tender fingers and his whole body started to tremble. 'There we go. The next breakdown' Catherine thought. All she could do was hold him and give him support. She just let him cry and sob knowing that no words would do anything to lessen the pain and his black despair at the moment. When the tears finally stopped to fall and the sobbing almost died down, he also lessened his grip on the pillow, but Catherine could still feel the trembling and she kept holding him until exhaustion finally took him. He woke an hour later, still feeling exhausted, worn down and droopy. Despite all the things Catherine had told him a few days before and about an hour ago he was ashamed of his tears and weakness. He didn't say anything, just lay there with closed eyes, trying to resist the urge to break free from Catherine's hold. Usually he felt comfortable, safe and warm with her, but today he also felt embarrassed and pathetic. Of course, Catherine had noticed that Steve was awake and she could sense that he felt awkward, thinking that he is weak. "Hey," she kissed his forehead this time, "there is nothing to be ashamed of. It's normal. It's human. It's part of the healing process. I've got you." He didn't answer, but felt some kind of relieve. Not that he had thought, Catherine would condemn him or something, but it felt good – the kiss and the words. He tried to relax into her arms, but he didn't fully succeed. He was too strained and stressed. Catherine continued to caress him and after what felt like an eternity he relaxed – somehow. She didn't let go though, just loosened her hold a bit and tried to let him feel safe and more comfortable. After another hour had passed, she asked "How about we eat something?"

"Not hungry," he mumbled.

"Just a snack. We can order room service."

"No, don't want to."

"Okay, we haven't started with "eating regularly" yet, so I'll let that slide," she said with a slight smile, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work. "Want to stay in bed for today?", she asked instead. He just nodded and snuggled up to her a bit more. Gone was the awkwardness and embarrassment. He just wanted her close, feeling her warmth and smelling her scent again. Twenty minutes later he was asleep once more. Catherine was relieved about it, hoping he would get some real rest this time, but she felt a bit stiff herself now being in almost the same position for hours. She didn't want to move though afraid to wake him up. It didn't take long for him though to become restless again. 'Why can't he just have a break?' she thought. 'Thankfully he'll has one pill left for today.' A bad dream woke him thirty minutes later. He still felt groggy, but he needed the bathroom, so he got up. After he had finished his business he went back, sat on his bed, put his head into his hands and sighed.

"Why don't you get some real rest and take your meds?" He glanced at her, bowed his head again, sighed again and then nodded on defeat. "Yeah."

"Here," she handed him a bottle. "Wash it down with some water."

It didn't even take him ten minutes before he was out, his breath deep and even.