Chapter 11
Steve had a few bad dreams during the night, but Catherine was always able to calm him again before they got too worse and so none of them got as bad as last time.
As usual Steve took a shower and shaved after getting up. "You want me to bandage your hand?"
"I am going to tell you that after breakfast. It feels good now, just like it was yesterday, but after raising the mug a few times it started to hurt and I had trouble to hold it later on. Don't want to drop that thing when it is full of hot coffee."
"Then let's do it again today. It won't hurt."
"Okay, but I need something else from you first."
"That is?"
"A hug and a kiss."
"I don't think there is a problem with that," she smiled broadly at him. They kissed each other and then they embraced. When Catherine wanted to part again after a minute, Steve tightened his hug. "Don't," he said. "Just another minute." Catherine didn't argue, just stood there and held him, getting the feeling that something else was going to happen and she wasn't sure if she was going to like that. When Steve finally let go, he looked her in the eye and said "I need to talk to you. And I want to do it before breakfast. I need to have closure. It's…it's about…Hawaii. What did Danny say about when he is ready? And…and Junior. I need to talk to Junior."
"We didn't have a date yet. You haven't told me yet if you want to go or not. And why do you think Danny might not be ready? He sounded like he was ready to get started anytime. And what has Junior to do with that?"
He sighed "Because Junior is living at my house. As well as Danny. If Junior knows I am back the rest of the team will come over and I can't deal with them right now. I…I agreed to Danny, because he is different than the others. Don't get me wrong I love them all and I am proud of what they had achieved, but I can't bare my soul to everyone. It…I…I just can't, okay? It is hard enough as it is." He got worked up again. "But Danny…Danny is like a brother and he has already seen things I didn't want him to. Maybe…maybe he can handle the rest of me too."
"Steve hey. Calm down. Remember my plan? It was all about Danny. Not about anyone else. He is ready, anytime. I am sure he would even talk to you on the phone. There is no need to wait for some kind of a specific date. And I am sure Junior won't tell anyone if he knows about your wishes. Maybe Danny can tell him beforehand so that you don't even have to talk to him. Do you want me to call Danny?"
"Hmm," he said and nodded.
"Okay." She kissed him again. "Sit down. I call Danny.
Can I tell him that you are coming back already or should I wait till you have made up your mind or until you know a date?"
"If…if he is ready I…I'd like to fly today." He paused. "And if that is okay for you of course."
"Of course, I am fine with that. Don't worry about that."
She dialed Danny's number who took the call after the second ring. "Catherine! Is everything okay? Something happened to Steve?"
"No Danny, nothing happened. We are fine. It is just that Steve would like to know if you are ready for him to return or if you need some "preparation"?
"I was already prepared when he had left. I don't need time. Tell this moron that I am waiting for him. Does that mean he has decided to come back or was that just a theoretical question?"
"He has decided. But he needs a favor first."
"Shoot"
"Junior. He doesn't want him to inform the team. He doesn't want them to come over just yet. He needs some time before he is ready for that. Do you think he can keep that to himself or if he doesn't want to lie – which I can understand - at least keep the team from coming over until Steve says it is okay?"
"Yeah, sure. No problem with that. When do you want to come?"
"If we get a flight, we will be on our way, today."
"Today? Wow. That is fast," he said. "But I am glad. Really. I talk to Junior when he comes home. There will be no problem. Just tell me when you will be here. I'd love to pick you up at the airport, but driving is not really a good thing at the moment. I am still a little sore and the seatbelt doesn't feel exactly comfortable."
"Don't worry. We'll get a cab. I'll send you all the information when we've booked the flights."
They disconnected the call and Catherine said "Everything is settled. Danny is going to talk to Junior and he is waiting for us at the house. All we need to do now is to figure out when we the next flight is available. I'll have a look now." She took her phone and opened the airport website. "Next flight is with Delta, via Los Angeles. It takes off at 6:30 p.m. and there are still ten seats available. Shall I book?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay, all done. Let's get some breakfast talk about the rest of the day." He just nodded again. She kissed and hugged him again. "Come on. It'll do you good."
They went downstairs and ordered breakfast. They planned on packing and checking out next. Then there will be two hours left before they have to be at the airport.
They used the time to stroll through the city, then they took a cab to the airport. There were no problems at the check in desk and they went and waited for boarding. The plane took off on time and the flight was smooth. Steve and Catherine both dozed on the way to LA. They landed on time and the connecting flight was on schedule as well. The closer they got Hawaii the more nervous Steve got. He either sighed or went with his hands through his hair or tapped his feet on the floor or did a combination of it all. When he noticed what he was doing he tried to sit still, but then his hands got sweaty and he started the movements again. Catherine noticed his discomfort and put one of her hands on his. "Hey," she said softly. It will be fine."
"I know. I think. It's just…I am scared, Catherine."
"I know. You don't have to be. You are not alone. We'll be with you."
"I know. I appreciate that. But still…I can't help it."
"Maybe this will help." She leaned over and kissed him.
"Very much, thank you," he said with a smile that didn't completely reached his eyes. Then he kissed her too. They held hands during the rest of the light and Catherine stroked his with one of her thumbs every now and then.
After they had picked up their baggage, they took a cab to Steve's house.
When they got out of the cab, Danny opened the front door and Eddie came, tail wagging, running at Steve. Eddie tried to lick Steve everywhere while Steve tried to pat and cuddle Eddie. That were moments of pure joy and happiness on both sides. In comparison Catherine's and Danny's greeting simply consisted of a short embrace and both saying "hey" and their respective names to each other.
After Steve was done with Eddie he went over to Danny. He stood in front of him and wanted to say something, but he just couldn't bring out a word. So, Danny took action and embraced Steve and patted him on his back. "Welcome back, partner." Thereupon Steve pulled Danny in to a hug, being careful of his injuries though, and held him for whole two minutes. "Thank you, brother. Happy to see you again. How are you doing?"
"Same as yesterday. Still sore, but getting better every day."
"Looks like you've spent a great amount of time in the sun too. Looks good on you."
"Yeah, Eddie liked to be outside, so I joined him most of the time. He also liked to sleep in your bed the last three days. Don't worry though, I put clean linen on this morning. Everything smells clean and fresh now. Eddie wasn't pleased with it, but I think I am forgiven now."
They went inside, took a seat on the sofa and fell into an uncomfortable silence – everyone absorbed in their own thoughts. "So, how was Jersey?" Danny asked. "I mean you said nice, but I think there is more to it. Did you go to some more of the places I've recommended or just the two you've sent the pictures of?" Steve didn't react. Catherine thought he needed some more time to compose himself and answered instead. "It is a great place Danny. A beautiful town and you have an ocean too. Steve took some more pics, but he didn't send them. Maybe he can show them to you in the next few days. He liked it too. While we were on the plane, he told me he wanted to go back there when he feels better and he wants to go with you then. He thought you might show him some other places like your parents' house, your school, your old apartment etc. Right, Steve?"
Still no reaction. Steve had totally zoned out. "Steve? Hey, Steve," she said.
"Yeah, sorry. I just was lost in thoughts."
"Yes, that was obvious. Why don't you go upstairs and take a nap?"
"Yeah, I should do that. I am sorry."
"What did I tell you about that?"
"I know, but I thought I could talk to Danny first, you know. But I think you are right. Sorry, Danny."
"It's fine Steve. It was a long flight. Get some rest."
Steve nodded, stood up and went to his bedroom without saying any other word. Catherine and Danny watched him going up the stairs. Steve left the door ajar, changed into shorts and a T-shirt and went to bed. Five minutes later Eddie joined him, putting his head on Steve's stomach and fell asleep a minute later, being cuddled by his master.
Downstairs Danny looked at Catherine and said It's bad, huh?"
"Yes, Danny it is. And he knows. I am glad he agreed to come back and include you, but that won't make it easier. He is in a dark place at the moment Danny and it won't be a walk in the park for us either to get him out of there."
"I know. Your plan was pretty good and so far, I don't think we should change anything, but did you two discuss about professional help?"
"He doesn't want to Danny. Too many bad experiences. I think he might reconsider if we can't help him, but I hope we don't need to go down that road. But again, if we don't work out, he might change his mind. He really wants to get out of there."
"Understandable. I am glad that he is willing to let us help him and I am glad that you were with him the whole time. It felt much better than knowing him being out there alone. Did you already start with anything?"
"Not exactly. I mean, yes, we did something, but not exactly on schedule yet. I tried to get something to eat and drink into him on a regular basis which worked for two days, but since we were en route since yesterday afternoon…I mean it is not that we didn't eat, but you know what you get on a flight. I also started with one massage, but that was just a drop in the bucket. We didn't do anything else yet – for several reasons." She shrugged, but didn't want to go more into detail.
"I assume you do the massages and the PT and relax-sessions, because I have no clue how to do that. We can share the "meal-thing" though. Either one of us does breakfast and the other dinner or we can change on a daily basis if you like that better. But is there anything else I can do than talk to him or let him talk to me?"
"You can accompany and support him in his sporting activity or in his free time. Don't know what this will be though. We'll see. The first and foremost thing is that you talk to him about the recent events and clear everything that might stand between you."
"What do you mean? There is nothing between us."
"That's what you think. Steve thinks otherwise."
"Why? What did I do?"
"You did nothing and I think he didn't do anything either, but you know Steve. He thinks he did and it is important that you two talk about it as soon as possible."
"He thinks it was wrong to leave, right? I tried to convince him to stay, but he left anyway. That can't be a problem. I mean yes, of course I was hurt. I told him that it felt like my main buddy was leaving me and that I felt depressed, but I also understood why he had to do that. And he is back now and wants me to be involved in his recovery - even if he was reluctant to do so. Doesn't that show we are good?"
"It's more than just leaving you, Danny."
"You are cryptic, Catherine. What are you talking about? Why don't you tell me?
"I am not sure if I am supposed to do that. He had some bad moments while we were in Jersey and already told me some things, but I am not sure if he wants me to tell you. I don't even know if he wants to tell you everything about that. But he needs to talk to you about the things that are related to the both of you and I don't want to anticipate him in that. I don't want him to feel deceived. He has to trust us."
"You mean trust you? Because if he doesn't want to tell me anything and you don't want to tell me anything means you both doesn't trust me. Then I don't know why you contacted me in the first place. What do you think I am going to do? Give the information to the news? That…"
"Danny! Stop! It is not what I meant, okay? He will probably tell you things he doesn't want me to know, okay? But…I don't know how to explain that, Danny. It is complicated. Steve…he is very…vulnerable at the moment. His mood can change rapidly in a blink of an eye. One second, he is almost happy and the next he is practically out of control with anger and rage. I want him to trust us!, but he is in a precarious state at the moment and we have to be very careful with what we do or say, okay? He had already made some important steps, but he is far from stable. And if he feels betrayed, it can endanger everything. I just don't want to risk that."
"I know what you mean and I understand that, but still…I don't know why you can't tell me what kind of issues I might have with him or better he has with me."
"He has no issues with you he has issues with himself, but they are related to you and what had happened…"
"No, Catherine. No, don't say that he feels guilty that I got hurt, because Daiju Mei wanted revenge for her husband. I mean, yes, she kidnapped me, because she wanted the cipher, but Steve did everything he could to get me back. And she would have killed me anyway. There is nothing he could have done from keeping that from happening."
"See, I didn't have to tell you. You figured it out on your own. And thank you for confirming that it wasn't his fault at all. I already told him that, but he didn't believe me. He thinks if he hadn't killed Wo Fat, his wife hadn't tried to take away the closest person in his life."
"Damn it. If he hadn't killed Wo Fat, Wo Fat had killed him. He almost succeeded in that anyway. When we found Steve, he already was half dead. And let me guess, he feels guilty for the death of his Morocco-Team and Joe and his mom too. That explains a lot. That's why…God, he can't keep doing this. I should have known."
"No, Danny. Nothing of this is your fault either. Please don't go there. We have to focus on getting him out of there. It doesn't help if you take over the guilt."
"Yeah, I know. It is just that I know something was off after Joe's death, but I thought it was "just" grieving. It got even worse after his mother's death, but since he had seen getting her killed and couldn't do a damn thing about it, I thought it would go away. How could I have been so ignorant?"
"Why don't you listen to me? I said it is not your fault, okay? He never processed anything properly in his life, Danny. It started with his mother's faked death, then his father sending him away and separating Mary and him, continued with the loss of some of his SEAL-Buddies, especially Freddie, failed missions, people he loved or had to protect on the job getting hurt or killed and finally Joe's and his mom's real death – which might not have been that shocking for him if he wouldn't have witnessed it I guess. It all just piled up. He had always dealt alone with everything. The Navy had taught him to be strong and to show no weakness in every aspect of his life and both of that were very unhealthy ways to do those things. He talked to one or the other psychologist, but they didn't exactly help either. They listened, yes, but they never really get him to process. That's our job now, Danny. Getting him to come to terms with everything and develop a cope mechanism for the future."
Danny thought for a moment then he said "I'll try my best. But I still think I should have done something earlier." When Catherine tried to interrupt him again, he said "No, Catherine, let me finish. Since Joe died Steve had trouble sleeping. I could see it every morning. He tried to hide it, but it didn't work. Junior told me that he thinks that Steve has nightmares. Junior heard him mumbling, one time even screaming, in his room when he went to get something to drink from the fridge in the middle of the night. He had asked Steve and he had answered that it was just a bad dream. Nothing to worry about. Downplayed it, saying like Junior never had a bad dream. When I moved in a few months back I heard that too. And it wasn't just the nightmares, I could hear him walking around in his room during the night. I think it was a long time ago that he got a really good night's sleep. And I pretended to hear nothing and to not notice his fatigue and pale complexion. And why? Because I thought I'd just get the same damn answer Junior had gotten and for fear to embarrass him, because I know about his nightmares. Look where that brought us."
"And there you have your answer. See what he told Junior. You would have gotten the same dumb answer, Junior had gotten. As I said there is nothing you could have done then. He hadn't hit rock bottom. But you getting kidnapped, tortured and almost killed was his breaking point. It would have killed his heart and soul if you hadn't made it – and him. Literally."
"You think that is the reason why he thought he had to leave?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I think what happened to you was one aspect, but I am not even sure if he could tell you why he had this feeling. There is so much going on in his mind right now, Danny. He doesn't know what is right or wrong for him at the moment. It hurts to just watch it. I don't want to imagine how that feels for him."
"That…that is strong stuff, Catherine. Tell me he got some sleep at least. Being away from work and cases and people he thought he needed to protect."
"You really want an answer to that?"
He sighed. "Guess not then. How bad is it?"
"Bad, Danny. The medication had helped, but that was only for three nights. I usually notice when he gets restless and do my best to keep the nightmares at bay, but sometimes it goes either just too fast or I am fast asleep myself and until I notice it is too late and I can't get him out of it anymore. He doesn't react to anything then. I don't even know if it is really a nightmare or if it is a flashback. But whatever it is, it gets a total hold of him. It was awful Danny. He was terrified – even after if he was awake again. The only thing that got him back to sleep was the exhaustion that took him afterwards."
"Wow…in a bad way wow. I thought you two had some fun days in Jersey after seeing the pictures and the texts I've received, but that sounds kind of like the worst days you've ever had in your lives. I think I need a beer to process. You want one too?"
"Yes, please."
When Danny returned from the kitchen, Catherine said "I am gonna talk to him tomorrow about what we two are allowed to share and what he wants to stay with the person he had told. That way we don't go behind his back and he doesn't have to tell things twice."
"Sounds good. Cheers – to the best of luck."