Chapter 13

The rest of the day was spent with making a therapy plan, scheduling on which days Steve has to do psychological therapy with either Catherine or Danny or if he wants to do it with both of them. They also set the days for PT, massages and sports. Of course, he was allowed to do some more sports, but they reminded him to not overdue and not to go to his limits until he gained some strength and stamina back. They also told him he could talk to them if he needs to whenever he wants – day or night. The last thing they set was to make clear again that a proper nutrition is an important part in all that. They decided to prepare the meals together and eat together whenever possible. According to his doctor Danny could be back on desk duty next week, but he had asked for some time off to fulfill his part of the deal, but the governor hadn't approved yet. They agreed that they would re-evaluate after two weeks and see if they had to adjust one or the other part. When all was set it was already late evening and they grilled some steaks, enjoyed the sun and the ocean view. Steve and Catherine went to bed at around 9 p.m. while Danny stayed outside for another hour thinking about everything he had heard and learned today and wondering if they were really able to follow through with their plan. It sounded a lot easier when Catherine had told him everything over the phone. With the new information he got today he felt overwhelmed. He knew it was bad, because otherwise Steve wouldn't have left or asked for help or better accepted it. But hearing it from Catherine out loud and seeing Steve's inner turmoil while they were talking was a totally different thing. And he didn't think that he had heard everything that had happened in Jersey yet. Realization dawned on him that it would take a lot longer to get back to normal than he had originally thought. He drank another beer and went to bed as well.

Thankfully it was a quiet night. There were just three times Steve started to get restless in his sleep, but Catherine was able to calm him before they got real nightmares. After the third time she snuggled up to him and put her arm around his midriff, holding him close to her body. She felt him relax after a few minutes and they slept like spoons for the rest of the night, resting easy.

After their usual morning routine, they went down. Catherine had already a pot of coffee going and had cracked some eggs when Steve came down the stairs, hair still wet from his shower. They gave each other a quick kiss and Steve asked what he can do to help her. When the fruit platter was half-finished, Danny came out of his room claiming the smell of the coffee had woken him up. He poured himself a mug and started to gather the needed dishes for everyone.

They had a stress-free and relaxed atmosphere during the whole breakfast. They joked around and laughed a lot.

Next was a little PT session. The weather was perfect, not too hot and not too cold. Steve and Catherine stayed outside, and she showed him some exercises which should help to loosen the muscles in his neck, shoulders and back. She told him which of them he could do by himself if he felt himself getting cramped or in case, he wanted to do some before his sports. The exercises were easy, so Steve was neither faced with a real challenge nor tired out, but that wasn't the goal anyway. In the beginning it should just assist her massages. If his muscles would loosen a little through the PT, she could massage with a little more pressure than now without hurting him too much, which always made him wince and cramp up even more. After about thirty minutes of repeated head tilting, shoulder stretching and flexing muscles while concentrating on breathing they stopped. "Enough for today," Catherine said. "We'll repeat a part of it the day after tomorrow, but we will do some new exercises as well. When do you have your one-on-one conversation with Danny?"

"In about an hour. I am going to the beach, sitting in the sun until he comes back. Want to join me?"

"Yeah, sure. When you two have your conversation, I'll go do some shopping. Do you want to eat anything special?"

"No. I am good with whatever you bring. You know what I like or better don't like, but you should ask Danny as well. We are not always on the same page when it comes to eating."

They went to the beach and sat on the chairs until Danny came back over one and a half hour later. He was mad that he was late, but happy that he got the all clear from the governor for his off time.

"She asked a lot of questions, but when I told her I needed some time after the recent events to recover fully, spent some time with Charlie and maybe Grace and promised to come back to 5-0 she agreed to a three months leave."

"That is great," Catherine said. "I think that will do you good. You should have done that earlier, but that seems to be the problem with you two. As fast as possible back to work. No time for recovery. Crime doesn't sleep."

"Maybe you don't know, but you aren't any different, Catherine," Steve said. The two boys smiled seeing Catherine's face when she wanted to protest at first, but then decided against it, because he was right.

Steve and Danny remained at the beach while Catherine left to buy some things. They sat silently on their chairs for about half an hour before Danny finally broke it and said "So, what do you want to talk about?"

Steve was pulled out his thoughts "What?"

"It's therapy time, babe. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know."

"Wrong answer. These sessions are about talking and you agreed to it. So, tell me something. What's on your mind?"

"A lot…too much."

"Then start with something. Anything you want. Maybe with the beginning," he smiled encouragingly.

"There is the first problem, Danny. I don't know where the beginning is. If I knew everything might be a little easier. I just know that Joe's death did something to me. I mean I've lost people before, important people, like Freddie, but Joe, I don't know. Something happened. Like something broke, you know. It had hit me hard. He was like a father to me sometimes – or at least it felt that way and he has saved my life several times and I've saved his more than once too. But he also lied to me several times especially about things involving my family. But still he was a good friend.

Then came my mother's death – her real death – and that…that was awful. Since her faked death, she has always meant nothing but trouble for me. Secrets, lies, rescue missions, more secrets and more lies. And still I wanted to save her from whatever was going on. Then I've seen her in action, killing that man, and in combination with what I already knew from the CIA, I thought she finally has lost her way for good. So, I wanted to save her from herself, but all I did was getting her killed. I've blown her cover. She bled out in front of me and I couldn't do anything. Whatever has happened in all those years didn't count. She was still my mother, Danny. And what's even worse, she was still on track." Steve sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't want the tears to come out again, not in front of Danny anyway. Danny wanted to say something, but he noticed Steve needed a minute to compose himself and so he waited, but when he finally thought it was time, Steve continued. "At the time I thought it couldn't get worse, but you know what I've said about life on life's terms? It got worse. It gets always worse and that was when I decided to set my plans into action – which were just really plans and nothing more at the time. Realizing you got kidnapped was one thing, but finding you on that floor? God, Danny. At first, I had thought I'd lost you too. I was on autopilot and couldn't think about anything else then how to tell Grace and Charlie that you were…that…that they have no father anymore, that I got you killed too." Despite Steve trying to hold back the tears and stifle a sob, both came out now. "I even prayed for your life. It was the worst day of my life Danny. And I just…I just didn't want any other person to get hurt or killed because of me anymore."

"Steve, I …"

"I was ready to kill myself that day if you hadn't made it."

"Come on. Get up…Get up!" When Steve did, Danny hugged him again. "First off," he whispered in Steve's ear. "I told you that it wasn't your fault and second I don't want to hear that from you again. If, and I emphasize if I really die before my time, I need you, Steven, to look after my kids. They will need you then, especially Charlie. Losing us both won't make anything better, okay. Promise me you won't ever in your life consider that again. Promise!" Steve didn't say anything, he just couldn't stop crying. Telling Danny everything had made him relive the whole situation, had made him feel the incredible horror, the helplessness and the desperation again. And now, after a few minutes of crying the embarrassment took hold of him. Crying in front of Catherine is one thing – and bad enough – but in front of Danny? Or even worse on Danny's shoulder? How pathetic and pitiful he must look. If Joe could see him like this…or his SEAL friends. Despite the awkwardness the hug felt comfortable somehow, but the embarrassment was stronger and Steve felt his legs turning into jelly. He tried to pull away, but Danny had noticed that Steve was about to lose control of his legs, because he needed to take more weight all of a sudden and just tightened the hug. "Let go," Steve said and struggled against the hold. "I want to sit."

"If I let go now, you gonna fall on your ass and I won't let that happen, okay. Just hold on." A shiver went through Steve's body and he begged "no, let go. 'm sick."

Danny loosened the hold slightly but was quick enough to turn Steve around and to hold him from behind. That way Steve made his way to the ground, half falling, half getting lowered by Danny who grunted in pain as the turning and bending over put a strain on his still healing body. Steve didn't notice though as he started to vomit a second before his knees touched the ground. He brought up his whole breakfast and dry heaved a few times after that. When he was finally done, he was even more embarrassed and tried to get up again, but Danny just wouldn't let him. He knew exactly how Steve felt right now and wasn't about to let that feeling win. "No, babe, you are not going anywhere." He pulled him backwards, which hurt again, but he ignored it this time, until Steve had no other choice than to stretch his legs - if he didn't want to pull or tear some muscles or tendons in his thighs - and lean against Danny. "There we go. Now try to control your breathing and calm down, before you heart comes out of your chest."

"I am sorry, Danny. This is so…"

"No, it is not. This is just a normal reaction to re-living a real trauma. No matter what your army buddies taught you." Steve didn't correct him. He wasn't in the mood for the joke and concentrated on his breathing and on keeping the tears in. It took him twenty minutes to calm his breathing and bringing his heartbeat down to an almost normal pace. He was still embarrassed and wanted to be alone to curl up and sleep again, but he was too exhausted from that little incident to struggle against Danny's hold and it also felt comfortable, he felt very secure with him. Steve felt miserable, but he wasn't alone and he appreciated that his friends were there. It was just so damn hard for him to accept this. He was afraid to do or say something that would hurt them and turn them away from him, made them leave, just like everyone else had done.

Twenty minutes later Eddie came running towards them which meant that Catherine was back. Eddie's tail wagged like crazy when he approached the two men. He briefly sniffed at the vomit in front of them and then he turned around, first licking Danny's arm and hands and then - with a soft whine - he put his head on Steve's lap.

Catherine found the house empty. She went outside to see if "her boys" were still on the beach. She saw Eddie running down the small path that leads there which answered her question. When she was able to see the chairs, she saw both men sitting in front of them and Danny with his arms around Steve. She knew something had happened, but it looked like Danny had everything under control. She didn't want to make everything worse and went back to the house.

Ten minutes later Danny entered the house. "You alone?" she asked.

"Yeah, Steve is with Eddie. They – or better Eddie - wanted to play fetch."

"Is he okay? I mean I know he is not – but for now?"

"Yeah – for now. Wasn't exactly what I had in mind for our first session."

"What happened?"

"What happened? Joe, mom, me. Do I need to say more?"

"No, no. You don't have to. We have a lot of work, Danny, but the last three incidents are the ones that had hit him the most. I just don't know if it is because they were the worst or because they happened "recently"."

"I think a little bit of both. But we'll bring him through this. Come what may."

After they had stowed away the food, they went back to the beach watching Steve and Eddie play with the ball – on the beach and in the water. They went in and out of the ocean and it looked like even Steve had some fun again.

They romped around for another thirty minutes before Steve called it a day, much to Eddie's dismay of course. He tried to encourage Danny and Catherine to continue the play, but they both didn't react to his attempts. In the end he gave up and lay down on the warm sand.

"How about we "take care" of Jacobson? Catherine asked.

"I am not in the mood, right now" Steve said.

"This is not about mood, Steve. This is about relaxing. The more stressed you are the better this technique is of use."

"So, Danny told you?" he asked and flushed a little.

"He didn't have to. I saw you two sitting on the beach. That was all I needed to see to know something was going on. Now, Eddie brought your mind back to something more joyful and Mr. Jacobsen will bring your body back to some relaxation. Let's go. And Danny, that might be something for you too."

"You sure? Never done that before. Don't even know what that is."

"I'll show you. Nothing special needed. Everybody can do that."

"Let me take a quick shower first," Steve said, "need to wash the salt and sand away."

"A quick shower? What is a quick shower?" Danny asked. "You usually shower under three minutes. What is a quick shower then? One minute?"

Steve grinned at him, but didn't reply.

When he returned five minutes later his mat was already on the terrace. Danny decided to stay in one of the chairs saying it wasn't exactly good for his injuries to lay on the floor or better getting up from it. Steve lay himself on the mat and closed his eyes. Catherine started the session with making both men to concentrate on their breathing, then she told them with muscles to flex and let go again. After every flexing of certain muscles, she let them concentrate on their breathing again – in and out, in and out. After about twenty minutes they were done. "If you want, you can now open your eyes again. You can also stay were you are for another minute or two and get up then. It's up to you." Danny got up right away. He didn't feel any more relaxed than before and questioned the exercise. He didn't say anything though, because Steve still had his eyes closed and actually did look a bit more relaxed than before and on the verge of sleep and he also didn't want to confront Catherine as long as "their patient" was present.