Chapter 14

The next morning Steve went for a run before breakfast. Catherine reminded him to take it easy, although the day wasn't exactly packed with "appointments". The only things on the list were sports and massage. The latter was planned right before bedtime to relax Steve before he goes to sleep. But she wanted to be on the safe side here. She knew Steve too well and if he wasn't reminded of his momentary limits, he would easily run until he would collapse.

He took her words seriously and gave her a kiss before he left. Thirty minutes later he was back. Sweating, but far from being at his limit. He took a long and hot shower and they all sat down for breakfast. They chatted along, but it wasn't the light atmosphere from the day before. Catherine could feel some tension between her boys, coming from Steve towards Danny. They both laughed from time to time, but the smiles didn't reach Steve's eyes. Danny's laughs were real, but he noticed that something was off too.

They cleaned up and Steve told them that he wanted to go for a swim with Eddie in an hour. Since Danny hates swimming and Catherine had to go to her bank to clear some things, he went alone. Eddie liked to swim, but only for a limited time. He loved playing ball though, running into the ocean, getting the ball and bringing it back. So, Steve and Eddie did that for another hour too. After that Steve sat down on of the chairs to get himself dried by the sun. Danny joined him and asked after a few minutes of silence "are we good?"

"Of course, we are. Why do you ask?"

"Because I can feel something radiating from you. And it is not something I am comfortable with."

"Don't worry. That is the aura of weakness and screw-ups and it is not contagious."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it is not."

"Don't deflect again. You know what I meant."

"Then say it. Why did I say I was weak? Let me think. Oh, yes, because I am."

"No, you are not. I thought I've already told you that. And I can imagine Catherine did too."

"Yes, you did. Yes, she did. But it doesn't work this way, Danny. If someone tells you, you can fly, you still can't do it. And telling me I am not weak, doesn't change anything. I still feel that way. I am sorry to disappoint you. Again. Is that good enough for you?"

"Tell me why you think you are weak."

"It's not therapy time, okay? I don't want to talk."

"But I want. You, my friend, had endured a lot in your life. You have seen things, done things, experienced things, that I don't even want to imagine. These past two years weren't exactly easy ones for you either. Two important people in your life had died and you witnessed both of it. You were helpless and just had to wait for the inevitable. I can't imagine how this must have felt – and I don't want to witness anything like this ever in my life. And you got shot yourself on top. This was extensive trauma Steve. You just don't go back to normal after this. I know they had trained you to go to your physical and psychological limit, to endure pain and torture – and when I think of your encounters with Wo Fat I have to say they did a great job. BUT, no matter how good people get trained they still stay human and that means there is still a limit to everything. To physical trauma and as well as to psychological. And you've reached your limit. That doesn't mean you are weak, Steven. It means you are still human and no machine or a psychopath with no feelings. And I am happy they couldn't destroy this. That means you still have a heart. It is cracked and filled with sadness, but it is fixable. It will be scarred, but it can be healed. And I believe in you. You can do it. And that means you are still strong." He paused for a moment to let his words sink in, then he continued. "So, what makes you think you are weak? Because you couldn't stand it anymore? Because you cried? Because you had a breakdown? Because…"

"It wasn't just one," Steve said with a raspy voice.

"What?"

"It wasn't just one," he repeated, his voice steadier this time. "I…I…had at least…two more last week. Sometimes I feel them coming, sometimes they come out of nowhere. I…I can't control them. It's like you open a floodgate. Once the water is coming, you can't do anything to stop it. Same with the tears. I cried more last week than my entire life. I just can't stop, Danny."

"And that's okay, Steve. There is no shame to it - no matter what they've taught you. It's a human reaction to extreme pain - physical or psychological. Just do it. Don't try to hold back. It doesn't make it better for you. And neither Catherine nor I will think less of you, if that was what you were afraid of. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," he nodded. "But it is not that easy for me. I know you are right - somehow, but I…I still think it's…I can't explain. It just feels wrong."

"Of course, it feels wrong, because your whole life you've been taught to hide or suppress your emotions. And that is the worst thing you can do and that is why we want you to tell us what is going on in your head. You have to trust us with this."

"I do. I really do. It just isn't easy. Because, like you just said, I am not exactly the kind of person who speaks about emotions, because it is hard to re-live all this and that always happens when I open up and…and I re-live it again when I sleep and…"

"Your nightmares?"

"Yeah, Catherine told you?"

"No. I mean yes, but only after I've told her I knew. When I was sleeping on the couch, I heard you mumble and moan from time to time and I heard when you walked around in your room, because you couldn't go back to sleep. But you didn't want to tell Junior anything, so I just didn't ask except that one time during our "ride". I am sorry."

"Don't be. I just didn't want you, or Junior or anyone else on the team to worry. I know they all did and probably still do, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. And that is the next reason I don't talk much about anything. Telling you means you get to know some of the worst kind of violence possible. I don't want to see that ever again. I am not exactly an angel myself as you unfortunately know. What…what I did to that guy in Montana…was something I'd never wanted you to see, hear or even know that I am capable of that. I saw your disgust and I thought you'd never want to talk to me again or leaving your kids with me. And I didn't like to do it. But I had to. It was horrible, but it wasn't even close to the worst things I have seen so far, but it still haunts me at night too. The other things I see in my nightmares Danny…I can't put that kind of strain on you – or Catherine." They remained silent for a few minutes and then Steve said, "I'll go and take a nap."

"Hey, you back already!" he said to Catherine when he entered the house.

"Yeah, everything was already sent over from my last bank. I just had to sign some papers. Everything is arranged now."

"Glad to hear that. I take a nap on the couch."

"Good. Take a Tylenol too before your headache gets worse again." He looked at her and thought 'she always knows. I wonder how she is doing that.' But he did what she suggested and lay down on the couch.

Catherine went to the beach and sat beside Danny in the remaining chair. "So, you two talked again?"

"Yes, we did. Why? He said anything?"

"No, but although he looked tired, the tension I've noticed this morning was gone. I assume he tried to apologize for yesterday."

"No, not really. But I felt the tension too and asked him about it. He got a bit agitated, but then we had a really good conversation, but although there weren't any tears or a breakdown it tired him out again. I want to continue where we have left of next time. Hope we can find an agreement on things."

"Tell me when you need help with that."

"I will. I need the bathroom. When I come back, I'd like to drink a beer. Do you want one too?"

"Yes, please. And I wanted to make some lasagna for tonight. You okay with that?"

"Sounds good to me."

After they had finished their beer, Catherine prepared the lasagna, then she woke Steve with a gentle kiss on his cheek. "Come on, sailor. Wake up." He looked groggily at her. "Your nap already took two hours. Time to get up or you won't sleep tonight. We want to eat in about an hour. Thought you might want to get rid of the sand and the saltwater before that."

"Yeah. Didn't even want to sleep that long. Thanks for waking me up."

An hour later the lasagna and a salad were ready to eat. It smelled and tasted delicious. They all ate a good portion and were more than full when they finally stood up to clean the dishes.

Before they went to bed Catherine gave Steve another massage and he fell asleep right after it.

She went down again to watch some soccer with Danny who told her that Grace had picked up that sport in college again, after a one-year break.

When they finally went to bed it was almost midnight, but they had enjoyed the evening very much and tomorrow was most likely going to be a stressful day again, because the next psych session was due.