Chapter 15
They all enjoyed their breakfast the next morning, sitting outside - the morning sun shining onto to terrace. It was going to be a hot day, but now it was just warm enough to feel comfortable,
Right after they had cleaned up, Steve played with Eddie at the beach again. The dog just loved doing that and he was grateful that his master spent some time with him.
When they were finally done or better Steve had brought it to an end, Eddie went to his bowl, knowing that Danny had put some food into it. Catherine and Steve had their next PT session, they "invited" Danny to join them, but he declined. They did some of the exercises from the previous session, but Catherine also taught Steve something new. Thirty minutes later they were finished. Steve didn't exactly feel like he had a workout, but he felt like his muscles had loosened a bit, although they had only two sessions. He wasn't sure if it was just a feeling or if it was real, but he didn't really care, as long as it felt better. He was in a good mood and hoped he could get the conversation over with, without getting too agitated or upset.
"You've told Danny that you dream about a lot of violent stuff. Did you tell him, that you dream about him too?"
"No! And I don't want him to know. That is something that has to stay between us."
"Why?"
"Because…because…he doesn't need to know."
"That is not an answer. He knows that you were upset – to put it mildly – when he got hurt and when he had to undergo surgery and since you didn't know the outcome you were going crazy with worry. Why don't you want him to know that this is still something you have to process?"
"Because I don't want him to know that he…that he…dies in these dreams. I can't help him in there. I am too late – every damn time," he emphasized the last three words and his voice got a little louder. "Finding him in time was pure luck and it probably just worked because he had freed himself earlier. If he hadn't made that move, he would have been dead even if I had found that house earlier. I couldn't protect him then and I can't even do that in my dreams."
"Steve, it is a dream. You saved…"
"No, CATHERINE. It is NOT a dream," he yelled at her. "It is reality. Your best friend hung from a ceiling, beaten and shot. Lying on the ground in his own blood. And I wasn't there to protect him. I am his partner! I was supposed to have his back! But I didn't! And why?! Because I wanted someone to decipher the fucking riddle my mother had sent me. A riddle that I wasn't even interested in. And now tell me, for what?! I almost got him killed! That's what." He sat down again and took his head in both hands. "I let him down."
"No, you didn't", Danny said from the kitchen door.
"What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to hear that."
"I didn't hear it all. I just heard you yelling and came in. And you didn't let me down. You found me and brought me to the hospital. You sat with me until I woke up and came back after you had arrested the bitch that did that to me. You were exactly where you were supposed to be."
"And they weren't supposed to get you in the first place. It was my job to protect you."
"No, it wasn't. It is your job to have my back when we are going after a suspect or searching a house for one, but it is definitely not your job to be by my side 24/7.
Let me ask you something," he continued. "When you were taken by Wo Fat the second time. Do you think it was my fault?"
"Of course not. You weren't even with me."
"Exactly – that means I let you down, because we are partners and it is my job to have your back and protect you."
"No. I was on my way to work."
"See? I was too. Now tell me the difference from what happened to you and to me?"
"If it wasn't for my family…"
"Stop that crap! You…are…not…responsible. IS THAT CLEAR, commander McGarrett?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good. Now, get your ass up. Your dog is waiting for you. Tell him your yelling didn't mean somebody was about to kill you."
Eddie was right behind the door and very happy to see his master unharmed. After a bit of cuddling, he went back to the grass and lay down in the shadows of a bush. Steve starred at the ocean for a while before he went back in. "I am going for a run," he said, changed into some suitable clothes and was out of the door a minute later.
He needed the run to clear his head. He knew Danny was right, but he just couldn't shake his feelings. It was easier said than done. He had to try though. He didn't even know why he was thinking the way he does. If those things happened to other people, he always told them that it wasn't their fault. 'Why do I always think it's mine? That has to change. Danny's is right with that too. I can't be responsible for everything. I have to learn that. If I can do that, I might be able to see things differently and start to process. Maybe some of the dreams will go away then, too. That would really help a lot.' An hour and a half later, he returned to the house, drenched in sweat, beat-up, but happy he had talked about at least one of the things that was worrying him the most at the moment. He really thought saying it out loud would help to remove that from his dreams. He didn't know how wrong he was though.