Chapter 17

Steve was nervous, so he and Catherine did the Jacobsen relaxation exercises again which helped at the beginning, but the closer the appointment came, the more squirrelly he got again. They arrived on time and after introducing themselves Dr. Jensen asked Steve in.

"I'd like to have them with me – if that is no problem."

"I'd usually like to speak to my patients alone first. See how we can connect, ask some pointed and attendant questions before I let someone else in."

"Okay." They went in. Steve sat down and although the armchair was very comfortable Steve's posture was rigid, his nervousness tangible. "Okay, Commander McGarrett, Danny already told me some things, but I'd like you to tell me how you feel."

"I…lost."

"That's a start. But I think there is more to it. I know you feel very uncomfortable right now and don't like to talk about your situation, but as far as I understood you were the one who had asked for help, you weren't forced to do this. So, what I need you to do is to relax and feel free to talk to me. I'd like to help you. But that only works if you will be honest with me. Just tell me what you think is important for your situation, what you think you need to tell me. That'll be enough for now."

"Important?... I think it is…what…led to all this and… how I feel?"

"For example. You don't have to ask me though. Just tell me what comes to your mind. You can stop anytime. If you need a break, we'll make one. Just try to feel free here."

"Okay…so…I…a lot of things happened in my life…loss, violence…I think these two were the worst. But…the last two years…I lost my CO who trained me as a SEAL and became a close friend, my mom died – again – and I…I almost lost Danny. He got kidnapped, beaten…shot, because someone wanted something I had. She knew Danny was…thankfully still is my closest friend. Since that day…I mean I've felt bad before, especially after Joe, after mom, but…Danny...since that day…I lost even more control than I've ever had – if I've ever had. I had a few…breakdowns the last two weeks, nightmares became more frequently and were worse than ever before. I feel weak, angry, sad, distressed, exhausted…I…I think that's about it."

"I have a few questions about what you just told me. Do you feel comfortable enough to answer them or do you want a break?"

"No, it's fine. Just ask."

"Your mother died – again?"

"Yeah, that. My mother "died" in a car crash when we – my sister and I – were still kids. A few years back we've learned that she faked it. Last year she died for real, because of me – and…in front of my eyes."

"The nightmares – worse than ever? Since when do you have them?

"They started during my military career, but I don't know exactly when."

"That means years ago, not months or weeks. Were they on a regular basis?"

"No, more like now and then. More regularly since Joe's death, permanently since Danny's injury."

"Do you have flashbacks too?"

"Not sure if they are real flashbacks. I think they are "just nightmares", but they not only happen at night. I have some too when I take a nap during the day. They are not as bad and not as regularly as at night. But they are existent. And they are very real and a lot of times about real incidents."

"You've lost control – what do you mean by that?"

"I am moody. Don't have my emotions under control. I explode easily, sometimes even for trivial reasons. I cry a lot."

"You feel weak, because…"

"Same answer."

"You feel angry, because…"

"Same answer…and because I don't know why this is happening and why I can't do anything about it."

"You are tired and exhausted. Just these last few weeks or for longer?"

"Longer – but…it got worse since…you know…"

"Okay commander. Just a few more questions and then we can call your friends in if you still want that."

He waited for Steve to react, but when he didn't say anything the doctor continued.

"Do you experience any pain? Head, muscles, bones?"

"All of it – increasing."

"Do you take any medication? Pain, anti-depressant, anti-anxiety?"

"Tylenol for the headaches – if needed. Anti-rejection. Got a liver transplant about four years ago.

And last week I took "Razalpam"- three nights in a row."

"Have you ever tried other meds like anti-depressant or -anxiety or sleeping pills?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't exactly do well with them."

"Like?"

"Getting headaches, feeling nauseous, groggy, dizzy. Even with the "normal" medication."

"If I understood Danny correctly you opened up to him and Catherin. The therapy plan she had developed was pretty good. Exactly the right mixture of talk, relaxation and activity. How do you feel when you've talked to them?"

"That varies. Depends on what we've talked about and how I react to that."

"Can you specify that?"

"Most of the time the talk hit me hard. I cried, I had breakdowns…I even vomited three days ago. Yesterday, I felt good afterwards. I knew they were right and I intended to learn from that."

"You trust them with your problems. Still you want to change to a therapist you've never wanted and are even willing to take medication. What changed your mind?"

"Last night."

"What happened?"

"I had a nightmare- a bad one. But I don't exactly know what happened. It was all a blur to me. I know it was about Danny again. But not the one where he…he…dies. But…something terrible happened. I…I know that, but I don't know what exactly." His voice was getting hoarse and he felt tears welling up again. He tried his best to not let them come. He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, concentrating on himself, of getting the words out properly, tried to prevent a breakdown on the first meeting with the therapist. "All I know is…I…I woke up on the floor again, wrapped in blankets. Catherine and Eddie beside me…"

"Who is Eddie?"

"My dog. He and Catherine both held contact…I think to let me know everything is fine and I am not alone I could imagine Danny being nearby too, but I can't remember seeing him. And…and I didn't feel fine. My head hurts and I know Catherine brought me some Tylenol. Next thing I knew is that I woke up in my bed again. My…my whole body hurt and I don't know what…how…I just don't remember anything. And I know they – Danny and Catherine – are suffering too, seeing me like that. And I don't want them to see and feel that again and again. I…need help. Fast. I…I can't go on like this. I…I just can't." His voice broke. A few tears ran down his cheek, but it wasn't a breakdown yet.

Dr. Jensen waited two minutes to give Steve some time to compose himself. Then he continued.

"What do you expect from the medication?"

"I don't know…exactly…possibly less nightmares, better sleep, easing."

"Okay, commander McGarrett. Thank you for your honesty. I know this wasn't easy for you. Now, I have two more questions. Do you still trust Danny and Catherine with your situation/problems or to put it another way: do you still want their support?"

"They are the only people I've ever trusted unconditionally and yes I want and I…need their support - and they already assured me of it."

"Would it be okay for you if we discuss my conclusions and the further course of action with them?"

"Yes."

"Good. If you don't mind, I would like to call them in then."