Chapter 20

It was an uneventful weekend. They had a big breakfast on Saturday, Steve and Catherine completed the therapy for the week and then they all talked about what to have for dinner the next week trying to include most of the groceries Dr. Jensen had recommended to get Steve's vitamin level back to normal. But they also took a lot of time to relax at the beach taking their turns to play with Eddie. On Sunday they went for a short hike and had a little barbecue in the evening. Everyone was relaxed and had some fun for a change. Even the nights were more or less quiet, just a few fitful episodes from Steve, but nothing major – thanks to Catherine for being a light sleeper when she needs to be.

Monday was coming fast though and although everyone had enough time for things they wanted to do, they also knew that they needed to stay with their plan. Exactly like Dr. Jensen had recommended they had changed the schedule. Catherine joined Steve on a run, but they had started after breakfast this time and that meant they were back early, because it was already very hot today.

In the afternoon, Steve sat down for the talk with Danny. "If you don't mind, I would like to talk about something today," Danny started. Steve was surprised by that request, but nodded "Yeah, sure."

"When you've talked to Catherine, I didn't hear it all – just the last few sentences. I thought, I had already told you, that it wasn't your fault, that you didn't let me down. You did everything to save me. Daiju Mei just misplayed. I know it is hard for you if you can't protect the ones you love. I would go crazy if something happened to Grace or Charlie, in fact I had been when Grace had been kidnapped or when she had that car accident. But it wasn't my fault, although it was and still is my job to protect her. And it is the same here. Yes, I got hurt, but it wasn't your fault and I've never blamed you for it. You are not responsible for things that your mother started or someone other than yourself did or does. It is important for me, that you understand that. That you remember that. ALWAYS."

Steve didn't say anything. He just looked at Danny. He knew his friend was right, but he just couldn't accept that he had let that happen. What if he hadn't found him on time? What if they hadn't made it to the hospital on time? What if Danny had died? "Steve, did you hear me?"

"Yes, yes, I did. And…and I know you are right…but I…if it wasn't for my family it wouldn't have happened to you. And I knew she was out there. I knew she meant trouble. And I still…I didn't do anything to prevent this. And I…almost lost you Danny."

"Yes, almost. But…"

"And I still do," Steve interrupted. "Every night. It…it is just not…almost in there. I can't help you. You...you…you are dying every night." Steve cried again. He put his head in his hands and continued to talk to Danny in a low voice. "If I had done something to get her, she wouldn't have gotten to you. She wouldn't have kidnapped and hurt you. I…I…can't get that image of you on the ground and all bloody out of my head. And…then…you…you…I can't stand that anymore. It's killing me."

"Steve. Hey. I know what you mean. When you got shot in that plane, I had the same dreams about you. Okay, not every day, but at least two times a week – for months." Steve looked up again.

"What? I…I didn't know that. Why didn't you say anything? I am sorry Danny."

"No need to. Wasn't your fault either. And that is the point here, Steven. Nothing of this was your fault. You need to realize that. And I will repeat myself until you internalize that. It won't stop the dreams, but it will help you to process. You've told me you felt like you were protecting everybody but yourself. But now is the time for that – to protect yourself, to take care of yourself. I know you feel guilty, but you are not. Okay?"

"I know. But…I still feel that way. It is not something I can shake because you are telling me. I feel responsible even if I am not. And…and I don't know how to stop it. I made a lot of mistakes in my life Danny and a lot of people I loved and cared about got hurt or died because of that. I made my peace with most of it, but there are things I can't forgive myself for. And getting you dragged into all of that is one of them. I promised Grace to try my best to keep you safe and I didn't do that. How…what…if…if you had died what should I have told her? I am sorry? I didn't keep my promise, because I got careless? And Charlie? He still needs you more than anything. They…they would have lost their father, because…because…I…I…" he couldn't go on anymore. He had tried to keep the tears in after his first bout, but he gave in now. He had lost control over it. The tears streamed down his cheeks wetting his shirt.

"Steve. Buddy. Hey. I am still here, okay? You…did…nothing…wrong. You were careless a lot of times, but this was not one of them. And when you were careless it was always about your own health and safety never about anybody else. If you had been with me, they would have gotten us both…and then? You wouldn't have been able to save me. We were both dead now. Do you know what that would have meant for Grace and Charlie? Don't do that to yourself Steve. Don't think about what and ifs. You saved me, I survived. That is important, nothing else. You hear me?"

Steve didn't react, he just continued to cry silently, head in his hands again. "Steve? Please talk to me."

"I want to sleep," he sobbed out, his words barely audible.

"What? I didn't understand you," Danny said.

"I…I want to sleep."

"Steve, we need to talk first. You can't go to sleep every time you become emotional."

"I don't want to talk. I want to sleep," he repeated in a still low voice.

"I just told you, you can't right now. I need to know if you heard and understand what I just told you?"

"I did." He nodded.

"Then say it. Say you are not responsible tell me you are not guilty."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I am." He raised his head and looked at Danny. His eyes still filled with tears, but his voice strong again. "Because I am responsible. Because I am guilty." His voice got louder. "I got Joe killed, I got my mother killed and I almost got you killed. I screwed up big time and now I have to pay the price." Danny stood up and mad a step towards him. "Steve, don't. Why don't you just try to…" Steve stood up too and started to yell again. "I try Danny. What do you think I am doing? You think I am just playing this? You think I am having fun here? You think this is all a joke for me? You think I need the attention? I have news for you. I don't want or need any of this. Do you understand that?" He sat down again, lowered his voice and continued sounding defeated "I am trying Danny. I really do. I don't know what you think I am doing, but I really try. I just can't change me, just like that. Keeping people safe is what I was good in. Something went wrong somewhere and now I can't even save myself. I just feel like a shadow. I am not me anymore. I don't like me anymore."

"I have news for you too. We still like you. And you are still in there. And we will help you to find your way back, to see yourself again as the good person that you still are. I know it is easier said than done, but you have to stop feeling guilty, weak, pathetic or anything else you think you are. You are none of this. And you will finally see that. You just need time, and you need to take that time, okay?"

"'kay," he said, head hanging again, voice low again.

"Don' let yourself go. We are here for you. Anytime. Don't ever forget that."

"I know, And I really appreciate it. But it makes me feel even more…useless. I lost control over myself. I depend on you two to keep myself together. How pathetic is that?"

"It's not. You always told us about the meaning of ohana. Now we are doing exactly what you've taught us. Being there for each other no matter what. And what I told you before is true. I repeat myself again – just as promised – you are not responsible and you are not guilty. Don't do that to yourself. And that is exactly what you have told me when Matty got killed. I felt responsible, because I could have booked him before that. But I didn't. Because he was my brother. And I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. But all the ifs didn't help me. In the end I finally understood that his – and only his -decisions and actions had led to everything that had happened. You helped me a lot with your speech you know? And all I want is that you take your own advice to your heart: Don't do that to yourself."

"I try. It's just…you know… I've faced a lot of dangerous situations in my life. And despite what people have thought, I wasn't that fearless guy, I was afraid a lot of times, but this…this, man…this scares me to death. I mean I always knew the enemy and even if I couldn't see them, I've always found a way to fight them, but now…now I am the enemy and…and I don't know what to do."

"You'll learn. Like I said it just takes time. Just put one foot before the other and you'll get there."

"Okay, okay." He nodded. "Thank you, Danny. You are a really great friend. I am sorry, I didn't tell you that often enough."

"You did."

"I did? When?"

"Every time you were there for me and/or my kids. Every time you saved my life, every time you said that you love me and every time you actually did say that I am a good friend." That brought a slight smile to Steve's lips.

"Okay then. But I still need to say it more often. You are my best friend, Danny. And I am grateful to have you in my life. And thank you for being here for me. I love you."

"I love you too. Now, take your nap. You need it." Steve made himself comfortable on the couch while Danny went into the kitchen. He took a glass of orange juice and went outside. "Everything okay?" Catherine asked. "It got a little loud in there for a moment."

"Yeah, but we are good. He is just having a hard time dealing with his emotions. And I couldn't get through to him, so I needed to provoke him a little. It worked. But it drained him again. He is taking a nap now."

"Good. I think we should have something to eat ready when he wakes up. And I don't think he had anything to drink since breakfast. We need to take care of that too. I just hope the medication works and he has no side effects or nightmares. He needs a break."

"Yeah, he does. I hope so too."

"We still have to do Jacobsen today. Hope that will help him relax a little before he takes the new pill."

"Yeah, let's hope for the best. Come on, let us prepare the chicken-broccoli-casserole."

When they were finished, they put the dish into the oven. Catherine went into the living room to wake Steve. He was still fast asleep, so it took her some time to bring him back to awareness. He looked groggily at her and asked "a nightmare again?"

"No, but we want to have dinner soon and I want to give you some time before that."

"Not hungry. I want to sleep."

"Not gonna happen. You can go back to sleep after dinner and after you had something to drink – or better a lot. All you had was the coffee and the juice for breakfast as well as the glass of water after the run. This isn't even close to what we said you need to drink every day."

"Sorry."

"Stop apologizing. We have an eye on that, that means you will eat and drink properly if you remember to do it or not. I just want you to realize that this is important too. And after we know about your deficiency it is even more important."

"I told you I am sorry, okay? And I know it is important, but I am not hungry and I don't want to bring the food back up, because I forced it in."

"Okay, I understand. Then we have to see that you eat more often, but smaller portions."

"How long till dinner?"

"About half an hour."

"Then I am going to take another shower."

"What's taking him so long?" Danny asked after twenty minutes. "You sure he is okay?"

"Yes, I am. He just takes a little longer at the moment. The hot water helps him to relax his muscles. Navy showers are in the past."

A minute later Steve came down the stairs and joined them in the kitchen. "Smells good," he said.

"It's ready in a minute. How about you drink a glass of water before that? We have multivitamin juice during dinner."

Although "being not hungry" Steve ate a good portion of the casserole. "That was delicious. We can eat that more often. Who cooked this?"

"Both of us," they said in unison. "Glad you liked it", Catherine added.

"It was rich, but delicious nonetheless. And I am full."

"No wonder. You ate almost as much as the two of us together." She pointed at Danny and herself.

"Just because it tasted that good. I was full after the first portion." He smiled at them. "Looks like the saying too many cooks spoil the broth isn't true."

"Depends on the cooks," Danny said. "If they are working as a team and know what they are doing, they will be successful. If not, someone needs to put the frittata out of its misery." A big smile appeared on his face which got even brighter when he saw that Steve had to smile too. Catherine looked questioning at them, but after Danny explained everything to her, she smiled as well.

Steve insisted to do the dishes and they let him do it, knowing he wanted to be "useful" and happy he didn't go back to sleep right away. They sat outside and enjoyed the comfortable warmth after the hot day - Danny and Catherine drinking a beer, Steve a cold ginger ale. It didn't take long for him though to feel the fatigue taking over again. "Sorry guys, but I think I am going to bed. Don't want to fall asleep on you."

"Think you are up to doing Jacobsen before that? Might be good before you take the Estadoxon."

"I think I should take that before we start. Not sure I will make it through the entire exercise."

"Then we do it that way. Go upstairs, I'll follow in a minute."

Steve was just about to put his shirt on when she entered the room. He finished, took the pill and lay down on his back. "You good to go?" she asked.

"Yes, I am," he answered and closed his eyes.

"Concentrate on your breathing. In and out…in and out…in and out. We start with the feet today. Bring your attention to your feet…Point your feet downward and curl your toes under…tighten your toe muscles gently…but don't strain…notice the tension for a few moments…release and notice the difference…breathe in and out…in and out…in and out…bring your attention back to your feet…point your feet downward…" She continued with the exercise, but when they reached the abdominal area Steve didn't react anymore. She noticed his regular breathing and his more or less relaxed feature and knew he was asleep. She covered him with a blanket, put a soft kiss on his forehead and went downstairs again to join Danny on the lanai. "That was fast. Thought this takes about thirty minutes."

"It usually does, but not when your "patient" falls asleep after only one-third of the exercise. Do you want another beer?"

"If you take one too."

"One more won't hurt. Be right back."

They sat for another hour drinking their beer, enjoying the evening and their company.

When Catherine entered their bedroom, she could see that Steve had turned on his side, but he was still fast asleep. She changed into her night clothes and lay down as well, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She awoke thirty minutes later, because Steve moaned in his sleep mumbling "no Joe, no I haven't. Then a small whimper escaped his lips and he was still again. She took his right hand into hers and squeezed slightly, hoping he would feel he wasn't alone. A minute later she was asleep again without breaking the contact. Two hours later she awoke with a start when she felt him squeezing her hand tightly, then she heard Steve moan again. "Steve, wake up. You are dreaming again."

"'m 'wake. 'on feel goo'," he started. The he suddenly sat upright and tried to get out of bed. But before he even managed to put the blanket aside, he started to vomit, over the blanket and all over his shirt. He couldn't stop. It just came out like he had done nothing but eating the last few days. When he was done, he dry-heaved a few times before collapsing back on his pillow, breathing heavily. Catherine was on his side of the bed in seconds, pouring a glass of water and asking "you done?"

"'m s'ory, Cath. 'din't mean to. I…"

"Don't worry. No problem. Just stay in bed. I'll be right back. She returned twenty seconds later with the garbage can from the bathroom. She passed him the glass of water. "Here, rinse your mouth." As soon as he had the water in his mouth it came out again, his stomach already revolting, "thinking" the liquid would come down the gag reflex set in. Steve moaned again and lay on his side, curling in on himself, holding his midriff and retching heavily. Catherine went back to the bathroom and got a few wet washcloths and some dry towels. When he was done retching, Catherine wiped his face with one of the washcloths and put another one in his hand. "Here, take it and wipe your mouth again. I'll get some fresh blankets, sheets and a shirt and then we'll clean you up. I'll be right back. Don't try to get up. She was quick with getting the said items, pulled the blankets away and helped him out of his shirt. "'m sorry, Cathrne," he said again. "'wan help yo clean 'p."

"No, it is fine Steve. Just lay back. I am gonna clean you up, then we put a new shirt on and then you can roll over to my side of the bed." She used two of the washcloths to clean his chest and dried it with a towel before she helped him putting a fresh shirt on. He let her do everything without resistance. "Can you move on my side without vomiting again?"

"Hm, thik so. 'm not sur. Stil fl sick." He managed on his own, but curled in on himself again after he had reached the other side. Catherine changed the sheets and brought the used downstairs, putting them into the washing machine immediately. She went back upstairs to find Steve in the same position as before, eyes closed. "Feeling better?"

"No. Fl sick. Head hrts." She sat down on the edge of the bed and started to massage his neck and right temple. Since he already brought up the water before it was even down, she didn't dare to try it with Tylenol. A minute later he cramped up and started to retch again. All that was coming out was bile. There was nothing in his stomach anymore, but it was still upset. "I'll get some crushed ice, maybe you can try some of them, piece by piece." She went down into the kitchen to get them. When she was on her way back Danny stood in the middle of the living room.

"Everything okay? Heard you coming down a few minutes ago and now you are back again."

"Steve is having side effects. He just threw up and is stomach still hasn't settled."

"Damn. Can I help you with anything?"

"Not yet. I hope he can suck on some ice chips without starting to retch again and that his stomach settles. Would be good if he can go back to sleep again."

"Is he dizzy too?"

"No, but he is slurring the words. Hope everything subsides when he can sleep again. Don't want this to last until tomorrow."

"That would be bad. He has enough on his plate…If I can't help you, I'll go back to bed. If you need anything call out."

"I will. Thank you, Danny."

She returned to the bedroom and fed Steve a piece of the ice. After five of them he had enough. Catherine started to massage him again to give him some relieve with the headache too. Fifteen minutes later he fell asleep, but the peace was short-lived when his stomach started to cramp again after just an hour. Catherine, who had gone back to sleep as well was awake again in seconds. But she couldn't help him. He cramped up and brought some bile out, moaning softly afterwards, because the heaving increased his headache. All Catherine could do was to give him some ice to get rid of the sour taste. He only talked when he was asked and his speech was still slurred and barely understandable, so Catherine tried to ask as less as possible. All this happened almost every hour and it took a toll on Steve once more. The good thing about it was that it took him less and less time to go back to sleep. Danny silently came up the stairs around 8 am and peeked into the room. He saw them both asleep, so he decided to go back down. But Catherine, asleep but still aware of every sound that might come from Steve's side of the bed heard him nonetheless. She looked at Steve who – thankfully – was still asleep beside her. But she noticed movement at the door and saw Danny who was about to turn around. When he saw her opening her eyes, he froze in the middle of it. She took another look at Steve and then got up to meet Danny at the door. "Everything okay?" she asked. "Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I just wanted to check on you. Haven't heard anything in a while - thankfully. Is he okay?"

"No, still waking every hour. We need to call Dr. Jensen as soon as he possible."

"Yeah. I can do that. Go back to sleep. Wasn't a good night for you either."

"I'd rather take a shower. Would you mind sitting with him, just in case? I mean you can't do anything anyway, just touch him to let him know he isn't alone."

"Sure, no problem. I gonna make some coffee afterwards. You want a pot?"

"I'd love to."

Dr. Jensen's office opened at 9.30 am, so Danny called at 9.00 knowing that his assistant would already be there. She picked up the phone after the third ring and told him Dr. Jensen already had a patient and won't be able to call back before his lunch break. Danny outlined the urgency of the situation to her and she promised to tell her boss as soon as the current patient would leave. She must have kept her word, because the doctor called back half an hour later. Catherine took the call and explained everything to him. She was a little on the edge, but Dr. Jensen told her to calm down. He told her that she had known that this might happen and that it wouldn't help Steve in any way if she accused the doctor. She apologized, telling him that an "upset stomach" like he told them, was the understatement of the year and that she was just worried.

"That's the problem with medication. Everybody reacts different and I hadn't expected something like this either. Just tell me which pharmacy you usually hand in your prescription and I'll send a fax there right away. I prescribe something against nausea. It is a powder – just put it in his mouth with the enclosed spatula. It will mix with saliva and enter his system without swallowing it. It should help in about fifteen minutes. Can't do anything about his speech though, but it will resolve itself in the next few hours. Sorry, I don't know what's on the schedule today. Anything straining?"

"No, just PT and massage."

"Good. Cancel PT and let him take it easy today. Even if he feels good in a few hours. If he wants to stay in bed let him rest. He needs to listen to his body today. I call again during my next break. If you need anything before that, call. Good bye, Catherine."

When Catherine returned from the drugstore, Steve was asleep, but the look Danny gave her when she entered the bedroom told her that he had another round of dry-heaving while she was gone.

She just hoped that the powder would do its work as fast as the doctor had told her.

"Steve? Steve, come on, wake up. Steve." When he started to stir, she gently touched his shoulder and called him again. He looked groggily at her. "Wann slep.'m tired."

"Yeah, I know. You can to back to sleep in a minute. I just have something to help you with the nausea. Open your mouth, take it, but don't swallow, okay? You heard me?"

"Hm," he mumbled and opened his mouth.

Thankfully the medication did its job. When Dr. Jensen called at around 1.30 pm, he was still fast asleep.

When he finally woke up - around 4.30 pm – he still felt beat-up, but he wasn't neither nauseous nor slurring his words anymore. He wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and do nothing, but he also knew he needed a shower. He felt a little better after it and went downstairs to get something to drink. He felt a little unsteady, but managed to get down without any incident. Danny and Catherine sat on the couch drinking a coffee. "Look who is up," Danny said with a smile. "Already thought you wanted to stay in that room forever."

"Not funny, Danny. I think I brought up everything I've eaten over the last month. And now that you say it, I think I should lay down again. Don't think I'll make it to the kitchen." Instead of lying down he sat down on one of the armchairs, put his head back and closed his eyes. Danny stood up, went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of ginger ale and a glass putting it on the table in front of Steve. The latter poured himself a glass and drank it greedily. "Better," he said. Then he poured a second glass, but just sipped on the cold liquid. "I assume one of you already talked to Dr. Jensen. What did he say?"

"You are getting a new medication tomorrow after you had the one-on-one talk with him. You can give him the other ones back."

"Okay. Thanks. And thank you – both of you – for last night. Thanks for being by my side the whole time. I appreciate that very much."

"You are very welcome," Catherine said.

"Don't mention it," came from Danny.

"But I have to say this. I mistreat you often enough, now let me be nice just once. What you guys are doing here is incredible. I can't thank you enough. I know it is as hard on you as it is on me and still you are staying, supporting me in every way possible. I am very grateful to have you both." He stood up went over to Danny and hugged him tight, then he turned to Catherine and gave her a passionate kiss.