Chapter 21

After breakfast the next morning Catherine asked Steve if he was fit enough for some PT. He said he was and they started their session which went by without any problems.

He met with Dr. Jensen in the afternoon. Steve arrived on schedule, but had to wait for a few minutes before the doctor came out. "Commander McGarrett. Come in, have a seat. How are you feeling?"

"Hm…nervous."

"Okay. I am sorry Estadoxon didn't work out. I will give you a new one today. It is called Amtrazapan. Same rules as for the other one. The side effects are different though." He passed him the package.

"I marked the side effects, so Catherine and Danny can read them right away – although I think you will tell them anyway. I hope they will work this time, but just in case something might feel different I can tell you that the known side effects are drowsiness, trouble concentrating, pounding heart, sweating and nausea." At the word nausea, Steve looked critically at him. He had enough of throwing up for the next ten years. "I know this doesn't sound good, but remember these are things that may happen. There are a lot of patients who don't feel any of this."

"Okay. It is just…you know…like I said…I have almost always problems. Even with ordinary medication. And the last one was really bad. I don't want this to happen again – mainly for Catherine's and Danny's sake."

"I totally understand your reservations. But every single type of anti-anxiety pills has side effects. It is possible that we have to try a few more, but it is also possible that we just found the right ones. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do but try."

"Okay. Looks like I have no choice then."

"So, is there anything else that happened? Another nightmare, flashbacks, anything I should know about?

"No. Not really. I mean nothing like last time."

"That is good. Now I need to…"

"But…the last talk with Danny…it…got to me again. I yelled at him. I lost it again and…I didn't want to, but…I…I was frustrated and I…I took it out on Danny. I didn't mean to. I…I just needed to vent my anger and frustration and…he was there. I was sorry, still am. I can't take it back though. He didn't deserve any of this. He isn't even fully healed himself. They are both trying to help me and all I ever do is yelling and offending them."

"Why don't you tell them you appreciate what they are doing for you? When you are not in a therapy session with them, of course."

"I did and I really am grateful, but then next time I do everything wrong again. I get agitated again, I yell at them, I cry and I can't hold back my anger. And they are always the ones to suffer."

"They seem like pretty good, intelligent and informed people to me. When they decided to help you, don't you think they expected something like this once in a while?"

"Don't know. I mean, yes, they are good people and yes, they probably expected this, but that still doesn't make it any better what I am doing to them. I mean…they…would do anything for me and I…I am just an egoistic idiot who feels sorry for himself. Why can't I just tell them what is going on without hurting them?"

"You have to be more patient commander McGarrett. You probably know this yourself although you are not ready to see this yet, but that is part of your problem. You bottled things up for years and most likely never learned how to deal with your emotions not to mention showing them. Now everything – guilt, anger and loss have piled up so high that you are totally overwhelmed by your emotions - they are crushing you at the moment. And we are here to work on all that. Getting things out, talking about them, not only about what had happened, but also how you feel about all that. You'll learn to deal with experiences and feelings. That doesn't mean you won't be sad about certain events anymore or that they won't be horrible anymore, but that you can live with them without feeling guilty or trying to punish yourself for it."

Steve just looked at the doctor, but didn't say anything. He didn't trust his voice right now and also didn't want to cry in front of him. Just like the other day with Danny he knew that Dr. Jensen was right, but that didn't mean he felt more comfortable.

"If you are okay with it, I'd like to ask you a few more things. They are general questions to help me evaluate your situation a bit better. You can answer them with a yes or no, but you can also get more into detail if you think it will need further explanation or if you just want to."

Steve nodded again.

"Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?"

"No."

"Have you ever…"

"Yes, I did. About two weeks ago."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I…I was angry – at myself. I…hit the wall. I don't know…I mean I knew it was going to hurt, but I didn't exactly want to hurt me. I just needed to punch something. Does that make sense? Is that okay?"

"It makes sense. What do you mean by "is that okay"?"

"Was my answer okay?"

"If it was an honest answer, yes. If it wasn't, no."

"It was honest. I really don't know why. I mean I was frustrated and angry, but I…I could have hit a punching ball as well. I…just didn't had one. And I…I…I don't know. Maybe I wanted it to hurt after all."

"Okay. But so, you'll know. There is no wrong answer. All I want from you is to be honest. You are not here to answer the questions to my liking. I really want to know what you think and feel not some crap you might think I want to hear. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you want to do it again?"

"I hope not, but…I can't tell you. I mean I don't want to right now, but if the situation is…is…is…different…I don't know. I might do it again. I didn't control it. As I said, it was just out of anger and frustration."

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

Steve didn't answer right away. He thought about it for some time. Dr. Jensen was about to address him again when he finally said "Yes."

If the psychologist was surprised by the answer, he didn't show it. "Are you still thinking about it?"

"No."

"Have you tried?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"What?"

"Why not?"

"I understood that the first time. I was just wondering about what kind of question this is."

This time the doctor didn't say anything. After a few seconds, Steve said "the first time I couldn't do it, because I was…I was…I…I just couldn't do it – I…I…the second time I didn't need to. What I thought about it didn't come true - thankfully."

"Do you ask yourself why all this is happening to you?"

"No…yes…I don't know. Do you mean why all the people around me die or get hurt or do you mean why I am suffering from PTSD?"

"Actually, I meant the latter, but you can answer both questions."

"Yes, and yes and no."

"Can you explain that?"

"The people around me die or get hurt, because I can't protect them and I know why this (PTSD) is happening, I just don't know why now. I mean, maybe I know, but…no, I can't explain that."

"You can't or you don't want to?"

"Both."

"Do you think you deserve what is happening to you?"

Steve looked down at the floor and thought about the question for a minute. Then he answered almost in a whisper "some of it."

"Why do you think that?"

Another pause before the answer came. "Because a lot of people have paid the price for the bad decisions, I had made…and now it is on me to pay for their…pain and…deaths."

"You mean as a leader of a SEAL Team, your task force or in your private life?"

"All of it."

"I assume you got hurt too – now and then?"

"Yes."

"As a SEAL, at your task force or in your private life?"

"All of it."

"Any near death experiences? Like life-threatening injuries, kidnapping, torture or even "just" the fear of dying?"

"I am not afraid to die. I mean I don't want to die, but I am not afraid of it…at least not for me."

"You are afraid that more of your friends and family might die?"

"No…yes, that too, but that wasn't what I meant. If I die, I am "just" dead. I have no problems with that. It could have happened almost any time at my jobs. What I am afraid of is what happened to the people I leave behind."

"Like Danny and Catherine?"

"Especially them."

"What about the rest of the question? Life-threatening injuries, kidnapping, torture."

"You already know the answer."

"Because I know what kind of jobs you had?"

"No, because you are Danny's psychologist for a long time now and I think, no I know he told you a lot of things about me. He is my best friend, so I know he cares a lot about me and he worries more than he should and that is exactly why I know he told you about certain things." Then he continued a little louder and annoyed "Don't think I am stupid just because I can't handle myself at the moment."

"I'd never think that and that…"

"Then stop asking questions you already know the answer to. Do you want to test me? Do you want to know if I am honest with you?" He stood up and with every sentence he got louder and louder until he was yelling at Dr. Jensen. "Yes, I got hurt – badly and yes, even life-threatening. Yes, I got kidnapped, yes, I got tortured – several times. And yes, it was close to death a lot of times. But I don't care, because…because…I just don't care, okay? I would gladly give my life to bring back one of those who died because of me. Are you happy now? "

"Not at all, commander. Would you mind sitting down again?"

"I'd rather leave. This is a waste of time."

"I don't think it is. If you sit down..."

"I thought you were different, I thought I could trust you, but you are just the same fucking species as the navy psychs. Just like them you are just working according to a fixed pattern, without putting any real thought into it. I just hope Danny hasn't been had like this." He turned to leave the room. When he had reached the door handle, he heard Dr. Jensen saying, "Commander McGarrett! Will you please sit down and give me two more minutes? I think you might think differently after that." With a sigh Steve turned and did as he was asked, but didn't say anything. He didn't even look at the doctor just waited for him to start talking. "Commander McGarrett, I've never wanted to take you for a ride and if you feel like this I have to apologize. I didn't mean to."

There was no reaction from Steve. He was still agitated and wondered where this would go. He didn't want apologies, he wanted to leave, he wanted to slam the door, he wanted to go home, he wanted to sleep. He felt his headache coming again. Dr. Jensen waited a few seconds, but since there was no reaction, he continued "You were right, I am working according to a fixed pattern, because I need to know certain things about you and therefore, I have to ask certain questions. And I need to hear the answers to those questions from you. It is true that Danny had told me a lot about you, but I can't use that, because he is my patient and I have to treat all that as strictly confidential. As well as I can't tell anyone what we two are talking about. Again: I need to know things about you, from you. The more I know about you, the better I can determine where those problems you are having at the moment are coming from. The better I can work on helping you. I know there are things you are not allowed to talk about, because they are classified and I won't try to get it out of you. But there are a lot of things that happened you were never able to cope with properly, either because you tried to suppress it or you were not allowed to do so or were too busy to take your time for that. But it is important now. I would never ask you anything, because it is on "a list to ask". And one last thing: I need to hear your versions, your feelings and your experiences of the events that led you here not Danny's or anyone else's.

Commander McGarrett...Commander? Are you with me? Did you hear what I just told you?"

Steve raised his head and looked at his doctor. "Yeah, yeah, I am here and I heard you."

"Good. That was all I had to say. Now you can decide whether you want to continue next week or not. You don't need to decide now. I'd even appreciate if you don't decide now. I want you to think very carefully about it. And I want you to make the decision because of what you think you need and not what Danny might think if you quit with "his" psychologist. I want you to trust me – with your secrets and fears, but also with what I can do for you. If you can't trust me, it won't work."

Steve nodded "okay." He got up and was about to shut the door when Dr. Jensen called his name again. "Commander, one more thing." Steve turned again. "Please try the new medication today. If this works, I would continue to prescribe them for you, doesn't matter if you will continue your sessions with me or not. I know you have a great support-team at home who will continue to work with you and minimizing your nightmares and/or the effects of it would be half the battle."

Steve nodded again, said "thank you" and closed the door silently behind him.