Chapter 23

The next morning after breakfast they all sat down to talk about the next move.

Danny explained Steve what their doctor had told him. Steve wasn't really surprised, but he didn't know what to do.

"There is no rush Steve. Just think about it. Dr. Jensen just told us to inform him. If you don't know anything yet we'll tell him that. And I don't want to influence you, but I'd understand if you wanted to wait till Monday." Catherine said.

"It is not just about a new medication. I still don't even know if I'll go back to him."

"What…why…what do you mean?"

"You haven't told her Danny?"

"No, why would I?"

"I don't know. I just thought that…never mind." He explained the whole situation about the argument he had have with his psychologist to her.

She was a little stunned to hear that, but she didn't say anything about going back or not.

"Look. I know you two put a lot of effort into all of this and still do, but I…I…maybe you don't see it, but I do too and…I am not sure anymore if it was a good decision to involve him…or… … …you. I…am not sure about anything anymore. I am so insecure about everything like I've never been in my life before. Danny…you trust him and you said he has helped you a lot and I want to trust him I really do, but…I don't know if I can. And the reason I…we involved him was, because I thought I can't do without medication. But that might have been a misinterpretation. It didn't do anything good so far. And I…I don't know how many new meds I have to try until we'll find something effectual – if ever -and how many more I am willing to try. Meds have always been an issue for me – ever since I was a kid. I really think I need them to get me through this, but I've already lost almost two days and that can't be the way either. And I trust you two more with everything than I do trust him. I am sorry Danny, but he himself told me – it is about me."

"I understand that and if you decide against him, I am not mad at you. If you think it is best for you to try without him or without meds, I will still be there to support you."

"This is a good point," Catherine added. "I second that, but what exactly did you just mean when you said you didn't know if it was a good decision to involve us?"

"I said this before, I really appreciate what you two are doing, but I also know that it is getting to you. I can see it. I know you care and want to help me in any possible way and I am honored and grateful to have such friends, but I don't want you to enter my spiral - to ruin your lives as well. I think enough people I care about have suffered because of me. I don't…I just can't afford losing you too. I need you both, but I…I don't want to pull you down with me."

"Hey, you won't do that. I mean, yes, of course it is getting to us that you either can't sleep or suffer from really bad side-effects, but it wouldn't be any better if you'd shut us out. We would worry even more. We love you Steve and we need you too. Whatever you decide Danny and I will be with you, but please, don't exclude us from all of this."

"And I second that."

Steve hung his head for a moment, then raised it again and nodded. "Thank you, guys. But I still don't know what to do. I need to think about it. I'll let you know, okay?"

He stood up and went to the beach, Eddie hot on his heels. Instead of sitting on one of the chairs or playing with Eddie, he strolled along the beach, letting the water surround his feet. Eddie tried to animate him to play, but gave up after he noticed that his master didn't show any interest and just trotted along.

After walking for about thirty minutes Steve went a bit farther away from the water and sat down on the beach. He drew up his legs, put his head on his knees and closed his eyes. He was desperate. He knew he needed help, he knew his best friend and the love of his life were more than willing to do that, he had a psychologist at hand who had helped his best friend "a lot over all these years - in many ways and in every part of his life" and that same doctor tried to find the right medication for him.

'All well and good, but I am not making any kind of progress – yeah, I know it is still early – I am dragging the two most important people in my life deep into this mess – my mess. I don't trust the psychologist – just because he is one? I don't know. The meds are not working – but you'll find one - you don't know that and you don't when that might be. I don't know what to do. See no progress. I've already been there an hour ago. Actually, I am there since yesterday. God, my head hurts. All I wanna do is sleep. I don't want to wake up until all this is over. I…'

He felt someone/something nudging his elbow. When he looked up Eddie was at his side looking at him with his puppy eyes, whining quietly.

"Yeah, I know buddy. You are a good friend too," Steve said petting him. They cuddled for a while and on the way back to the house they even played a bit and ran into the ocean a few times. When they arrived back home, it had been three hours since they had left.

Danny and Catherine were already a little concerned, but none of them showed it to Steve. They were just glad that he was back. "Hey," he just said when he entered the kitchen. "How did it go?" Danny asked.

"I have no answers yet if that was the question. I am all mixed up and I really don't know what to do. All I have is a headache from thinking too much. I am sorry Danny."

"No problem, buddy. It is a tough decision to make. Take your time. If you need us, we are here."

"I don't want to add to your stress, but you know that we are a little behind on our therapy plan, right? I can see you had a little fun in the water – with Eddie I assume – and we can count that as sports – for once. But I don't think you are in the mood for a conversation, so what do you think if we make up leeway and do some Jacobsen? I think it will help you to relax your body and mind a bit."

"Don't know if I can concentrate on that enough."

"But you can try. And there is a little massage in store for you tonight too. What do you think?"

"Sounds good. I'll try. Just let me drink something."

"While you two are going to relax, I am going to prepare something for dinner. How does that sound?"

"Sounds even better. I think I've missed a few meals yesterday."

After the relaxation exercise Steve felt indeed a bit better and he looked forward to dinner. He enjoyed the food Danny had cooked very much, he even felt almost well balanced when he was finished and his headache was gone as well.

"That was excellent. Thank you…I think you guys are waiting for an answer. I still don't have one, though. But since it is too late to drive to Dr. Jensen, I think the medication has to wait till Monday. But I really still don't know if I want to go back to him. I hope I can tell you by tomorrow evening, but I don't promise anything."

"As I said, there is no rush," Danny said. "But I want to tell you something and I don't want you to be mad at me – or Catherine – and I don't want you to get worked up or lose it. Do you think you can keep calm?"

"I can't promise at the moment, but I will try."

"That's good enough. While you've been on your little walk on the beach today, I went to Dr. Jensen and got the medication. You don't have to take it though. We can still wait. I just knew you needed some time to think and just in case you need it or want to try tomorrow or Sunday, I've fetched it for you. I didn't want to go behind your back, I just thought…"

"It's okay, Danny. Thank you. That was very thoughtful. But I think I don't want it until tomorrow. I kind of feel good at the moment and I would like to drink a beer with you two. Just here out on the lanai – enjoying the evening."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you like. I'll get them." Catherine stood up and brought three bottles back. They clinked glasses and took a swig of their beer.

When they finally went to bed, everyone had drunk three beers, but they also had enjoyed the evening very much. It had been a carefree atmosphere - even Steve had stopped thinking about his situation and what to do next. Everyone had told some funny stories they had experienced during their lives. But unfortunately, even the good moments had to come to an end and they all went to bed – happy and relaxed, but tired as well. Before Danny went into his room, Steve hugged him tight and said "Thank you, Danny. For everything. I love you". He then followed Catherine upstairs, pulled her into a hug as well and told her the same as Danny. But instead of letting go afterwards he gave her a deep kiss.