Chapter 24

It was a good night for all of them and they slept till 10.30 am.

After they had breakfast, they loaded Steve's truck and went on a forty-five-minute drive to a good but not overcrowded surf spot. They spent the whole afternoon and the early evening on the beach. It was a great day for everyone. On the way back to the house they bought some take out and ate it on the lanai. They decided to let the truck loaded just in case they wanted to drive to the beach again tomorrow. After everyone had taken a shower they met outside again. Catherine brought three bottles of beer again, but Steve declined.

"I know I slept well after the beers yesterday, but I'd rather have a ginger ale today. It was a great day and I don't want to ruin it, but I'd like to talk to you two – if you don't mind."

"No, it is okay. I'll get you one."

"No, you don't have to. I can get it myself."

"I am still standing, so I can go back and change the bottles."

When Catherine returned, they all had a sip of their drink first. Then she and Danny waited for Steve to start talking. The latter looked like he was in deep thoughts and stared at the floor for a few minutes. When he raised his head, he had a serious look on his face.

"First off, thank you again for last night - and for today. I enjoyed it and I really had a lot of fun. And somehow it helped me thinking – which means I have made a decision. I haven't made much progress – if it all – and that means I am still at the same point I had started a few weeks ago."

Danny wanted to say something, but Steve stopped him right away.

"No, Danny. I'd like to hear your opinions, but please let me say what I have to say first, okay?"

Both, Danny and Catherine nodded.

"That means I am still in need for a lot of…help and…and support. That means I can't do this alone. And that means I have two options here. The first one is we leave everything like it is – we use the therapy plan Catherine had written, I'll try the prescribed meds until we'll find something that I can tolerate and I'll go back to Dr. Jensen. The second one is…I'll…I'll try to find a place in…in a…clinic for in-patient treatment. I've already looked it up…there are a few here on Oahu. I…"

"Sorry, Steve. We agreed to let you talk, but I need to interrupt you here. I don't think – and from the look on Danny's face he thinks the same – number two is not an option here." Danny nodded and said "Exactly. Don't even think about it."

"You know you need help – and that is one of the steps you've made by the way - and you will get that help. But not in a clinic. I know they are specialized and they are good at what they do, but you've already said it yourself: You not only need help, but support as well and I think you are in much better hands with us. We are here for you and…"

"I know. Sorry Catherine. I have to interrupt you too. I said I want you to hear me out first. Please!"

"Okay. Go ahead then, but I am not finished yet."

"I know, but as I said, I want your opinions, but I also want you to hear the whole story before that.

I mean you already know that I appreciate your help very much, but you also know why I was reluctant to accept it. And it hasn't changed yet. I've got even more reasons now to think that way. You not only have to deal with my moodiness, frustration and anger, but also with the side effects of the meds. Yeah, I know you don't get them, but you see what they do to me and that helplessness is even worse than experiencing them at first hand. And I don't know when we will find something adequate – it might take another ten attempts…or more…or -considering my issues with medication – it is even possible we will never find one. I know you two care and worry a lot about me – and I am thankful for that too…at least for the caring part…but I don't want you to suffer like that. As I said seeing someone you care about suffering and knowing you can't help them can make you sick too. I don't want that to happen. And even if you can help me, it won't leave you unscathed. It will leave scars on your minds and souls. I don't think it is worth to save me and ruin your health instead…the clinics here have good reputations…it…it is a big step, but that way…that way…I have around the clock help without…without…hurting the only people that I love the most. And it is possible to change the psychologist if I can't work with the one assigned to me. And…and…I can talk to other people…with the same problems…they…can...they…they…"

"Steve!" Danny said a bit louder than he wanted. "Please stop. We all know that is not an option for you. You can't even stay in a normal hospital for longer than you are unconscious. And if the reasons you just told us are the only ones why you don't want us to help you, I want you to know that – although I understand them - I don't care about them – and I think Catherine agrees with me here." She just nodded affirmatively and Danny continued. "We love you and we won't feel any better if you are away from us in an institution, we don't know anything about, where we most likely aren't allowed to visit for the first months and where you will be alone during your nightmares. I hate to break the news for you, but there won't be anyone in your room all night keeping watch if you sleep well or not. I know it is not on me to help you with that, but I'd rather – and I think I am speaking for Catherine again too – see you crying on my shoulder than knowing that you have to go through the terror of the nightmares and the breakdowns after it all alone. So, for me there is only one option and that is the first one. We will do as planned and deal with what is coming our way when it is coming our way."

"I agree with Danny – a hundred percent."

Somehow Steve had expected that, but he was still touched and his eyes welled up with tears. He didn't say anything though, because he knew if he would the tears would start to flow right away. He just hung his head and looked at the floor again. Both his friends knew what was going on and gave him some time to compose himself. When he had his feelings under control again, he looked up and said "I am so grateful to have you guys. And I appreciate what you just said, but I want you to think about it and I want you to sleep on it. This is nothing you can decide just like that. I know you want to do this, but I really want you to consider the consequences for yourselves and for our relationships. It might change and I want you to be aware of that."

"Nothing is going to change, Steve. I've told you I love you. I'd do anything for you. When I have left, I've done it for our country. But I am done working for them, I have to work for my happiness now and that means I want to be there for you and I want to be with you, because I can't afford losing you again. Those years without you have been the worst of my life, especially every time I've heard all the things that had happened to you – like the liver transplant and your mother's death – way after they had happened and I knew it was too late to be there for you to comfort you. Now I know Danny was there for you and that makes me feel a bit better, but I've hated the whole situation. And whatever is going to happen won't change my feelings for you especially not something that is out of your control or something you might say out of anger and frustration. I know you don't want to yell at us or take your anger out on us or hurt us in any way, but I also know that this is going to happen again and I gladly accept this if it helps you opening up and getting everything out - if it helps you heal. So, there is no need for me to think about it again. I've already made my decision weeks ago."

"Same goes for me Steve. I've made my decision months ago, I've just waited for you to ask for my help, because pushing you has never worked before - that was why I haven't really tried after realizing you weren't ready then."

"Looks…looks like I have no say in that." Steve looked awkwardly at them. "I don't know what to say anymore to convince you otherwise and I am not sure if I actually want that. I…I…thank you. Thank you. I love you two. I…I…"

"Stop stuttering. Just say yes and give us a hug already," Danny smiled and stood up. It was a bear hug and lasted for a few minutes, but Steve couldn't let go that easy. He was so grateful for having such friends and didn't know what else to do or say other than to hug them as long and tight as he could."

When it was Catherine's turn, he hugged her as tight, but not as long. Just like yesterday the hug was followed by a deep and passionate kiss. She kissed him back as deeply and when Danny returned with the beer they were still standing in front of the table. "Just tell me if I am disturbing you. I can go to the beach with Eddie and drink my beer there." They broke the kiss and smiled at him.

"Not necessary. Thanks for the beer Danny." Catherine took one of the bottles out of his hands and sat down smiling.

"I think I'll have one too."

"You gotta be kidding me. If we bring one, you'll decline, if we don't, you'll take one."

"Don't worry, I'll get it myself. I just didn't want to drink, because I had planned on taking the pills today, but I am too wound up right now. I'll do it tomorrow."

Catherine had planned on giving Steve another massage today, because they were still behind on their schedule, but after all that surfing and the two beers, she was too tired to wait another hour before going to bed. She could manage thirty minutes though and they agreed on another round of Jacobsen. They were barely able to finish it before sleep claimed them both. Danny was thankful he had stopped taking part in that after the first try and went to bed right away. When the two people upstairs finished their session, he was already asleep for twenty minutes.