Chapter 25
Steve had a few nightmares, but Catherine noticed them early enough to bring them under control. Thankfully it wasn't one of the "Danny-Dreams". She thought that they were the worst for him at the moment and she wasn't sure if she would be able to stop them before they get out of hand again. Other nightmares seemed to have some kind of a long "prologue" and Steve – although asleep – seemed to hear or feel Catherine, but the ones about Danny went immediately to the worst level and even if she noticed them there was nothing that she could do to wake Steve to let him know that it is "just" a dream. From the moment the dream started to the moment Steve was fully awake and able to actually see where he was, he was reliving the moment again and again, thinking it was happening at the very moment. She didn't even want to imagine how that must feel. 'No wonder he is so exhausted after everything else that happened these last two years,' she thought to herself. She was grateful for every night this dream stayed away.
They got up a little earlier than yesterday, but had their breakfast outside nonetheless, because it was already warm enough. The forecast said it was going to be a hot day with a thunderstorm coming up in the late evening and they wanted to drive to the surf spot again, having some fun before the rain was coming.
"Before we leave, I have a question," Steve said. "Catherine, yesterday you've said we were behind on our schedule. I am sorry, I didn't look it up myself, but what exactly are we missing?"
"Let's see. It's Sunday…PT and one-on-one from Friday and a massage from yesterday. All in all, not that bad. Maybe we can take the surfing – although it is not the same, not even close to be exact – for the PT session. And I thought I can give you the massage today, since we are not coming back as late as yesterday – and it might be helpful when you take that pill – if you still want that that is. That just leaves the conversation."
"Maybe we can take yesterday's talk for that," Danny said. "I mean he told us his thoughts. That has to count for something."
"Sounds good to me. Steve?"
"Yeah, fine. Don't want to do that two days in a row anyway. And yes, I want to try the meds today. The sooner we know if they work or if I have to try something else the better."
"Okay, let's go then. Are you ready boys?"
They were and they had another great day at the beach, but they left way before the thunderstorm was supposed to arrive, because they didn't want to get stuck in traffic when everyone else was leaving the beach. That meant they all had some time left to shower and relax before preparing their dinner.
They had to eat inside, because the storm had arrived while they were still cooking and it was raining heavily now. The plants and flowers needed the rain, but it was too much water at once for the soil. There were big and deep puddles everywhere soon after the rain had started. All people living at the McGarrett household at the moment were glad they had left the beach so soon. And Eddie was happy to be inside too. He loved to run into the ocean or swim with his master for some time, but rain wasn't exactly something he liked.
After they had finished cleaning the dishes, Danny went to his room to get the new medication.
"Here you go." He passed Steve the pills. "Do you want to know the side effects or do you want to wait until you feel different – if you feel different that is."
"I'd like to know. Just in case. Maybe I can give you or better Catherine a head start – if I have the chance to notice anything at all."
"Okay. The medication is called "Triplicam". Side effects are memory problems, poor balance, dizziness, dry mouth and nausea."
At the word nausea Steve had to groan. The other effects weren't exactly better, but he really hoped he doesn't need to vomit again.
"Thank you, Danny. I think I'll take them right away and go to bed. I am kind of tired and I missed my naps the last two days. Good night. And I really hope you two have one."
"Good night. Sleep tight, my friend."
"Remember the massage. You can lie down upstairs. I'll follow you in a minute."
Steve changed his pants, took off his shirt and swallowed his new pill before lying down on the bed.
Catherine arrived a few seconds later, went to the bathroom to get the oils and the sheets.
When she was done with the massage, she covered Steve with the sheet as usual, but he was already asleep and didn't notice anymore.
Danny wanted to stay alert during the night in case Catherine would need his help again, but he woke not before the sun was already up. He hadn't heard anything from above yet and hoped it was a good sign. He started brewing a pot of coffee and waited for his "roommates" to show up which Catherine did half an hour later. "Hey, everything all right? How was the night?" he asked her.
"Relatively good. Steve moaned and mumbled something unintelligible a few times, but nothing dramatically happened. But I think you wanted to know if there were any side effects. Nothing I have noticed, but since he barely needs to get up at night we won't know about poor balance or dizziness until he has to use the bathroom or something. As for the rest we have to wait until he gets up, but since he didn't wake at night, I think we can rule out nausea or a dry mouth as well. That leaves the memory problems. Question is how long these side effects will last. When I think of the last ones…I don't want to see something like that again."
"Yeah, me neither. Let's just hope this worked."
"It did."
"God! Do you have to sneak up on us like this, Steven? This is the second time in a few days I almost got a heart attack."
"I came down the same way as usual."
"Yeah sure. In stealth mode. Don't do that again, will you? Don't know if I am going to survive a third shock."
Steve slightly flinched at the word survive, but didn't say anything. He knew Danny didn't meant it literally and he himself didn't want to overreact.
"So, you didn't have any side effects?" Catherine asked.
"No, not that I know of. If you didn't notice anything, I'd say it worked. Question is if it will stay this way and if I can take another one today, because Dr. Jensen said I should take one every time after I had a one-on-one and not every day."
"Yeah, I know we have been with you when he has told us. But as far as I remember he also said that you can take one if you have a bad day and in exceptional circumstances. And I think this is one. You had to try the pill to see if the pill would work or not, but you also have a one-on-one today which might trigger some memories again. I'd say it is safe, but you better call him and ask. What do you say, Danny?"
"Yeah, I agree. I don't want to tempt fate."
"I have to call him anyway to tell him that I am coming back on Wednesday."
As usual the psychologist wasn't available at the moment, but his assistant promised to tell him that commander McGarrett had called and was waiting for a call-back. And just as last time she had kept her promise. Dr. Jensen called twenty minutes later.
"McGarrett."
"Commander McGarrett you wanted me to call you back. What can I do for you?"
"First I wanted to tell you that I'd like to come back on Wednesday – if you still want that."
"I told you it is not about what I want or your friends – it is about what you want."
"I know. I want, but maybe you don't want anymore, or the appointment isn't available anymore."
"I am still here for you and of course the appointment was reserved for you."
"Good, thank you. The next thing is about "Triplicam"."
He explained the problem to the doctor and asked him what to do.
"First off I am glad that the medication worked for you. Second, yes, you can take them again today. But with almost every anti-anxiety medication there is the risk of getting addicted easily. It is exactly like I've told you when I've given you "Estadoxon". You can take them on exceptional circumstances - and I think this is one – but not every day. That means if you go back to your original schedule after today there is no problem."
"Okay, thank you. I think we'll see us on Wednesday then."
"We will. Have a nice day commander."
Steve went back to Danny and Catherine. "You were right. There is no problem taking them again today. I think we can start with the therapy plan then after breakfast – if you are okay with it. I think PT is on the list today, right?"
He looked at Catherine. "Yes, it is. And we two also have the conversation today which means Danny has to take care of dinner."
"Cool. Would you mind making this chicken-broccoli-casserole again – even if you have to cook alone?"
"Yeah, sure. No problem."
"Great I'll take care of breakfast then. Do you want eggs or pancakes or both?!
"Eggs," Danny and Catherine said in unison.
"Okay. How about you two get the plates and silverware and I fix the food?"
They did as they were asked and waited on the lanai for Steve to show up.
"He is in a good mood today," Danny said.
"Yes, thank god. Didn't know how he might feel if that hadn't worked. But I don't want to think about it anyway. Let's enjoy this as long as it lasts and hope the medication will do its job."
"Yes, I hope that too."
"Okay guys. Breakfast is ready." Steve showed up with scrambled eggs, bacon, fried sausages, sliced fruits and toast. He went back to get some fresh orange juice and a new pot of coffee.
"Wow that looks really good," Danny said. "Maybe we should have kept that restaurant after all. You are a cook and a waiter."
"It's just breakfast Danny. You and Catherine fixed far better dinner. And just so you'll know, I am still glad we sold this whole project."
"Me too."
"I would have loved to see you two doing it. Don't think anyone who might have criticized your food would have survived the evening."
"There wouldn't have been anything to criticize. They were all well tested family recipes."
"You never worked as a cook or waiter Danny, did you? There is always something to criticize and even if there isn't, people do it anyway. Maybe I am glad you didn't have that restaurant anymore after all. That would have been a lot of stress."
"Yeah, I agree with you both. As I said we had great recipes, but I don't think we were the right people for that kind of business."
They all enjoyed the breakfast, but didn't sit too long, because of all the things they had to do today. They decided to do PT about an hour after breakfast and to continue with the one-on-one right away. This way Steve might have some time to take a nap before dinner - if needed - and just in case he will get worked up again it hopefully won't spoil his appetite when he has enough time to calm again.
All the recent events hadn't exactly helped to loosen Steve's muscles so they still kept the exercises at a light level.
When they sat down for their talk Steve didn't say anything until Catherine asked him "Hey, what is going on in your head? What are you thinking about? Do you want me to ask you something or to choose a subject?"
"No, no. It is just that I…you know I hate this, right?"
"Yeah, I know. But you know that this is necessary, right?"
"Yes, I know and I want to do this – somehow - but that doesn't make it any easier. It is…I…there are so many things that are messed up right now and I…I don't know what you want to hear. I…"
"Steve, it is not about what I want to hear. It is about what is on your mind, what is weighing heavily on you and to get that of your chest. If there are things you don't want me to know, leave that for Danny and/or Dr. Jensen. But I want to help you and you agreed to it and that means I need to hear something."
"I know…"
Another two minutes passed without him saying anything. When Catherine was about to ask him again, he started "how about the future?"
"What do you mean?"
"How about I talk about the future? It…it scares me."
"Yeah. As I said, anything you want to talk about."
"And as I said, there are many things that are messed up right now, but I hope I can learn to cope with it, because it was in the past and I "just" have to get over it. But, the future…the future is scaring me too. I don't know what to do with my life. What kind of job can I do? Is anyone willing to take me? Will I be able to work at all…what…what about us?"
"What do you mean with what about us?"
"You said you love me and I know you do. And I love you too. But…I think that…that…all this…might change things."
"How?"
"I…I don't know. I just know that I am afraid of it."
"You think I might look at you differently, that I think you are weak and I don't feel safe anymore at your side, you think that I am going to leave again?"
He nodded, "yeah, I think that wraps it up…I know what you have told me, but…but it is just something that comes to my mind again and again and I can't shake the feeling that this is going to happen. Even…even it is just one of it. It makes me sick to my stomach and I don't know what I am going to do if that happens. Especially if you leave me again. I love you I need you and I can't live without you. It hurts so much just to think about it that…that…"
"It won't happen, okay? None of it. I don't see you any different. If I would I would do it already. I told you before that you are not weak, that you are just human. I will always feel safe with you and although I can understand your thoughts, I will never leave you again. I promise. I love you I always have and just because you are having a hard time right now won't change that. I will stay as long as you want me by your side. So, this is one thing you can cross of your list."
She stood up, crouched in front of him, placed her hands on either side of his head and kissed his forehead. "Do you understand that?" He looked at her and said "yes, I do. And I knew before, but I can't help the thoughts. I am sorry. It…it is just that if…if this happens even Danny can't help me anymore. I…I'd rather get tortured by Wo Fat again or die before I want to go through that again."
"I don't want to go through that again either. That's why I gave up everything. I need you too."
This time she kissed him on his mouth. He kissed her back and they both deepened it after a few more seconds. When they parted again, she smiled at him and said "do you think you can believe me and worry a bit less?"
"I don't know, but I will try. I…I always try, but then the thoughts are coming back and I don't know how to stop them. But I hope this is going to help. Thank you for trying to make me feel better." She kissed him again. "Anything for you. Now, about the rest: You don't want to go back to 5-0? Why? Because of the "thinking differently and weak" thoughts?"
"No. First, because just like Danny I only have three months leave and I don't think it will be over then. I mean I am gone for almost a month now and there isn't any progress. I think this is going to take a lot longer than I originally thought. And I can't go back before I have everything under control. I have to focus on the job and nothing else in that line of duty – you know that. Otherwise I'd put the people I work with in even more danger than they already are. And I don't want to do that – again. And that is actually the third reason. A lot of people got hurt or died because of my job. Because bad people wanted to hurt me or because the good people wanted to save me. And that is exactly what landed me here. I don't want even more people on that hurt/die list. And that is why I don't know what job I will be able to take. I don't want to go back into that kind of job, but it is the only thing I've ever done and I it is the only job I know how to do. And who wants to hire a psycho who needs a hefty dose of high quality pills to be able to manage his life? And at the moment I feel like I can't even bag groceries."
"First, you are not a psycho, okay? You are suffering from PTSD, because you've served your country in a very honorable way. Dr. Jensen said the goal is to live without the medication, it is just to assist you in the beginning. And I think we will reach this goal – because you are strong, because you want the help and you will put everything into it. Second, you will learn that you are not guilty for everyone's death or pain you think you are. Third, I think you can talk to the governor to get more leave. All these years you did a good job and made the island safer. I think you deserve some more time for yourself. And even if this isn't possible you can do a lot of jobs. Just because you were military and law enforcement doesn't mean you can't do anything else. You are not stupid and if you are really into something you learn fast. And fourth I think we should think about that later. Try and deal with the current problems. If we can see the finish line there will still be enough time to think about that."
"It sounds so easy when you say that. And I know you are right, but as I said, I can't help the thoughts. And when they reach the surface, I can't get rid of them again. I want to, but the thoughts are coming back again and again. Like a dream you don't want to have, but every time you fall asleep again you start where you've left of. I mean I try to think of something good or of funny things, but after some time it is all the same. It goes on for hours until it is gone."
"How often is this happening?"
Steve blushed and looked away. "Almost daily," he said barely above a whisper.
"Why just didn't you say anything earlier? We told you we are here for you."
"You are doing enough for me already. I don't want to bother you with every little thing."
"You are not bothering us and this is not a little thing okay. Just talk to us. Maybe we can help you think of something different. It is not necessary that you are on your own with this. Will you do that?"
"I'll try. I can't promise anything though."
"Fair enough."
"Can…can we stop now? I don't think I want to say anymore."
"Yes, we can. You did good today. Really good. Come here." When Steve stood up Catherine did too and hugged him tight. "I am proud of you Steve."
"For what?"
"For what you are doing and that you made that step at all. I know how hard this has been, but it was the hardest step of all. I love you." She kissed his temple and then hugged him again.
"Thank you. For everything."
They held their embrace for another two minutes before they let go.
"Do you want to take a nap now?"
"No, I'd like to go for a swim. It always helps me to clear my head a bit and to get rid of some bad energy."
"Do you mind if I join you?"
"Not at all."