Chapter 27

"How are you doing, commander?"

"Nothing has changed since last week. What did you expect?" he asked provocative.

"I thought Triplicam had worked for you and you got some decent sleep, I thought you have decided to trust me, I thought we could try and work on a reasonable basis, I thought…"

"All right, I got it…Triplicam had worked. There weren't any side effects – at least not that we noticed and I had slept better than usual. I am still not sure if I trust you, but Danny said…" Steve noticed that Dr. Jensen wanted to interrupt and said to him "yes, I know, you've said it had to be my decision and it was, but Danny had a lot to do with that decision, because he trusts you and I trust him and he usually has a good knowledge of human nature. I need help and I want help. So, I will try to trust you too. And I will try and answer your questions as good as possible."

"That works for me. You ready to start then?"

"No, but I have to."

"Okay, let's do it then…Any near death experiences? Like life-threatening injuries, kidnapping, torture?"

Steve hadn't expected to hear the same question they had ended the last session with. His pulse quickened immediately. He closed his eyes took three deep breaths to calm himself. Then opened his eyes again and looked at the doctor.

"All of it. I got kidnapped. I got tortured – three times since I've joined 5-0, but none of it was related to the task force. It was bad every time and one time I even almost got beheaded. I had two more encounters with torture, but where, when and why is classified. You know about my liver transplant…that means you know I had at least one life threatening injury. I also almost froze to death and another time nearly died from dehydration, but both of those incidents are classified too."

"Last time you've said you didn't care, but couldn't explain why. Do you think you can do that now?"

"No."

"You can't or you don't want to?"

"I can't."

"You've said you "would gladly give your life to get back one of the people who died because of you." Do you still think that way?"

"Yes."

"Because you think your life isn't worth anything?"

"No. Because they didn't deserve to die."

"But you do?"

"Don't twist my words!"

"You feel guilty for some people's death. Why?"

"Because it was my fault that they had died."

"Did you kill them?"

"No."

"What did you do then?"

"I…I…made wrong decisions, I…interfered with actions…I didn't protect them."

"Did they need protection?"

"They…they needed my support, they…they…they needed me to have their backs. But I…I led their enemies to them instead of away from them and then they got killed because of that or…or because they had to save…my life. They trusted me and I failed them."

"How did you fail them?"

"I just told you!"

"You've said your nightmares had started a long time ago. Are they about those incidents?"

"Among other things."

"Like?"

"That is classified."

"You don't have to tell me about the where and when. Just try to describe it."

Steve thought for a moment, but didn't know what exactly he should and could tell the psychologist. He wasn't allowed to tell anything about most of his missions. He himself did things he wasn't proud of and they haunted him as well, but he had been ordered to do them and they had been necessary for several reasons. He had seen even more things he hadn't asked and bargained for and which he would gladly erase from his memories. He couldn't go into detail though and decided to sum it up.

"Violence," he finally said in a low voice. "Brute force, uncontrolled and mindless violence."

"You've said it is classified and in our first conversation you've told me your dreams were about real incidents, so I assume these dreams are of actual scenes you were involved in. Or are they "just" scenes you've witnessed? Do you recognize people in the dream? And I am not talking about the "Danny-Dream"."

"Most of the dreams are scenes I was involved in, some about incidents I've witnessed and sometimes they are even mixed up. Not only the places and acts, but also the people involved. So, yes, I recognize people. Every time."

"Does exposure to an event that reminds you of - or resembles - the event cause you to have any physical response?"

"…The last few weeks I have been at work…yes."

"Like?"

"Sweating…trembling, heart racing…nausea."

"Only if you experience another stressful event or even if you just watch something similar - like a movie or news - or if you are in a similar place or weather as the event?"

"…experience…but it's more like after the new event...when everything is over…or before it starts. I…I hope it doesn't end like the situations it reminds me of. I have a bad feeling I feel tense and on edge but during the event I am calm…kind of. I mean…I can react…I am not petrified. But…afterwards I feel – I mean…not every time, just the…the last few months at work – I felt totally spent and ready to vomit."

"How does that make you feel then?"

"Nervous…worried before it…angry – mostly at myself – agitated and irritable after it."

"Have you tried to avoid thoughts or feelings about the trauma?"

"…Yes. I don't want to think about any of this. I try to keep myself occupied, but the thought and feelings attack me out of the blue and when they start, I can't stop thinking about everything."

"Have you avoided places, people, conversations or activities that remind you of the event?"

"No."

"Have you experienced…?"

"I…I…yes. Getting in this kind of situations was my job and I had no problems with it - until recently. I tried to stay back more often lately."

"Have you experienced less interest or pleasure in things that you used to enjoy? In what things have you lost interest? What do you still enjoy?"

"I used to get up early for a swim and a run – not only because I wanted to stay fit and because out of habit, but mostly because I really liked it. I don't like to do it anymore. I loved my job and the people I've worked with. They came over a lot for a barbecue or poker or just for a beer, but I don't want to face them at the moment and I don't feel able to work – any kind of work right now…I still love the ocean though. Watching it while sitting on the beach – preferable with Danny -, being in it or surf. And I still like to be around Catherine, Danny and Eddie."

"Do you have less to do with other people than you used to? Do you estrange from other people?"

"Yes. I asked Danny – or better Catherine did – to make sure none of the team is coming over to visit. I can't deal with them at the moment. I am just comfortable with Danny and Catherine. They make me feel safe."

"We spoke about nightmares earlier. What about other aspects of sleeping? Have you had any trouble falling asleep? Do you wake up in the middle of the night? Are you able to go back to sleep after waking?"

"I usually fall asleep easily – mostly because I feel beat and overtired. After my mom's death – the real one – I often awoke during the night, but the last few weeks I slept through – except when I had the bad nightmares – are there even good ones? But I…I think you know what I mean. But I won't call that being awake. I mean I was…aware – somehow – but not really awake and afterwards so exhausted that I fell asleep without even noticing where. Last night though, I couldn't find sleep at all after waking up. It was more like dozing and then I was awake again. It lasted for hours until I had finally enough and got up for good."

"Do you startle easily? Do you have a tendency to jump? Is there a problem after unexpected noise, or if you hear something that reminds you of the one of the traumas?"

"No, not that I've noticed."

"Do you think you'll go back to your work?"

"Don't know. At the moment I'd say no, but it is too early to tell."

"Okay, commander. I'd like to make a small break now. Thank you for answering all the questions. I know it was hard for you. But you did good. I'd like to give you another vitamin shot. You've missed the one for last week. After that I'd like to give you a few minutes to relax, before I'd like to talk to you again. No more questions for today though. It will be more like a resume where you have to listen. After that you'll get some time to ask anything you want."

Steve was glad the questioning was over. He had tried very hard not to show any "bad emotions", like crying or sadness and it had taken a lot of his strength. He needed that break and he wasn't exactly looking forward to continue the sessions even I if he wasn't supposed to do more than listening."

"Can…can we continue next week? I feel…I don't know…like…like I can't manage anymore."

"Let's give you that shot. I'll leave you alone in the room for a few minutes afterwards. I want you to try and relax during this time. I know you are familiar with Jacobsen. Try that or any other technique you know. When I come back and you are still not ready, we'll continue another time. But I don't want to wait till next week. I'd like to meet tomorrow or the day after tomorrow then."

Steve didn't feel like it at all. He looked at his psychologist and when he saw the seriousness in his eyes he just nodded and said "okay." He felt defeated, but he knew something was up and it sounded important if it couldn't wait another week. They went to the next room. Steve sat down and was immediately deep in thoughts.

"Commander McGarrett! I need you to relax right now. Try deep breaths. In through the nose, hold…out through the mouth. In through the nose, hold…out through the mouth. And again…"

They did another ten rounds until Dr. Jensen had the feeling Steve was relaxed enough to talk to him again.

"Okay, commander. That looks much better. Your muscles were totally tense a few minutes ago. I didn't want to put the syringe in then. I'll try to give you the shot now." When he gave the injection into Steve's upper arm, Steve still winced briefly. "Okay that was it. Try to relax some more. I'll be back in about fifteen minutes. If you need anything before that, I am in the next room."

Steve felt like he was going to have a panic attack soon. He tried to take deep and calm breaths again, but he failed miserably the first five minutes. Then it suddenly seemed to work and he got calmer and more relaxed by the minute. When Dr. Jensen appeared, he was able to handle himself again.

"How do you feel, commander?"

"Not sure."

"Did you drive yourself or is someone outside to pick you up?"

"Danny is."

"Good. We are almost done for today. Do you feel comfortable enough to continue? If so, do you want Danny by your side or can you manage alone? If not, we can stop right here and talk in the next two days."

"No more questions?"

"No more questions. At least not from me," Dr. Jensen smiled encouragingly, "but I can imagine that you might have a few."

"I don't know. I am…I…I…am not sure."

"Okay. How about we call Danny in? You still trust him with everything, do you?"

"Yeah, sure. But…but he is waiting in the car. He is not in the waiting room."

"I can call him. Do you want to continue with him or would you rather break off?"

"No, I…I…I need to manage alone."

"No, you don't. That is the point here commander. You don't have to deal with things alone. That is one of the reasons that brought you here. You have a great support team now. And if you don't feel up for it, we don't have to do it today."

"No, I…I need to know. I know it is important if it can't wait till next week. If you don't tell me today, I will think about it the whole time."

"Okay. You probably wondered why I have asked you more questions instead of letting you talk or going more into detail. We will do that the following weeks. Today I wanted to confirm or disprove my earlier diagnosis. Unf…"

"Can…can I call Danny?"

"Yeah, sure."

Dr. Jensen had already opened the door when Danny showed up a few minutes later.

"What happened?" he asked with a slight panic in his voice.

"Calm down, Danny. Nothing happened. Commander McGarrett just wanted you here for support. I was about to tell him about my conclusions and the next steps."

Danny heaved a sigh of relief. He took a closer look at his friend and saw that he was a little restless, he fidgeted on his chair and his hands were in constant movement. Danny sat down on the chair next to him and put a hand on his friend's arm.

"Hey, babe. I am here. Just calm down and listen." Steve looked and Danny and stopped his movements.

"Yeah, I am…I am just nervous. I…I don't know why. Everything was good, but…but then…I…I…"

"It's fine. I am here. Do want a break to compose yourself?"

"No. I've already had one. It just made things worse. I want to have this out of the way."

"Okay." Danny nodded at the psychologist to start.

"As I already told the commander I had asked him a lot of more question today in order to make a better diagnose. Unfortunately, I had to confirm my earlier one. Commander, you are suffering from a severe case of PTSD. The good thing is that it is treatable and you came just in time before it got worse. The fact that you want help, have a great support team and already started a therapy about two weeks ago will work in your favor."

"I didn't make any progress yet."

"Actually, you did."

"Yeah? When and with what?" he asked agitated.

"When you had accepted help, when you've asked for more help, when you decided to come back here, when you didn't give up and when you answered all of my questions today. You were able to calm yourself after you've heard my first question. That was an incredible achievement."

"I don't see it that way."

"You should. PTSD is taking time to heal, it is not a small bruise or something, it won't heal immediately, it is a constant struggle and the healing process is going to happen step by step. I know you are not seeing it that way, but that is exactly what you are doing here. You are making progress every day."

"If you say so," Steve said not really convinced. "How…what are we going to do?"

"First of all, I want you to know that despite what you may think that there is nothing wrong with you. What you have experienced over all these years is real and hurtful. What you are going through now is a normal response to abnormal experiences – to trauma. What we are going to do over the next few months is to focus on solutions not the problems. You will learn more about your triggers and how you can manage them, how to get out of negative thoughts, anxiety, frustration and anger. All this will help you to find your way back to yourself. What you already have is a great support team and a good therapy plan. If you stick to both of it you are on a good way. I'd like to add something to it though. I'd like you to find something that keeps you grounded, something that you can do if you are alone and feel an "attack" - as you put it - coming."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Some people write things down, what is going on, what and how they feel, what they think. Others sit down and draw or paint. I know a few who sing or play harmonica. It is up to you. Whatever is going to help. Just like the relaxation exercises you need to practice it though, so you can put it to use when you need it. I want you to think about it and find something. If you have it you need to include it in your plan – at least twice a week."

"I have no idea."

"This is no problem. Just think about it…And speaking of your plan. The physical exercises you are doing are meant to reduce stress. They should be mild exercises. You should not go to extremes with it."

"I don't do that. I really hold back, especially since I don't even have the strength anymore to do as much as I used to."

"Your knuckles say otherwise."

"That...that was something else. I…I was angry and got upset and I didn't want to hurt my friends again. That's why I used the bag."

"What were you angry about?"

"I…I didn't sleep well I was in a bad mood and everything felt difficult. After I was done, I was able to sleep."

"Good. But it is still nothing you should do more often. Do you have any questions so far?"

"No. I can't think right now. I…I want to go home."

"Sure. If you have any questions tomorrow or the day after don't hesitate to call. If I have a patient, I will call you back."

Steve just nodded. All he wanted was to get out of this office and some fresh air."

"Danny?"

"Yes, Dr.?"

"The same goes for you and Catherine. We are in the early stages of treatment and if any of you needs anything just tell me."

"Yes, thank you." They shook hands, then he turned to Steve and said "Come one, let's get out of here."