She watches. Watches her daughter's face. Her expression is all nerves and excitement. She wonders if she once looked like that in Lucas Scott's presence.
Sawyer plays back what she's just been shown on her guitar like she's always known how to do it and Lucas grins from ear to ear and blurts that she's an actual genius. His words draw a bashful laugh from the teenager's lips along with a shake of the head and a smile touches Peyton's lips at the scene.
He walks out then; Jake. He thought he wanted to be here. Wanted to loiter in the distance and make sure his daughter wasn't being stolen away. He can't watch though. Because it's like it's happening all over again. He's loosing a part of what's most important to him to the man on the other side of the window. He's lost one too many things to Lucas Scott. Or maybe Lucas Scott just had them first. Peyton's face is the final straw.
She jumps when the door slams. She tried to convince him that them being here wasn't going to help anyone through this. He'd been insistent that he observe this first lesson. It was part of the conditions he'd laid out to Sawyer.
Peyton takes a shuddery breath, digs her nails into her arm.
She doesn't know how to navigate this. Feels like she's being pulled in ten different directions. There's too many people that she's trying to appease.
Her daughter is pissed with her. Her husband is pissed with her. And the more she tries to right things the bigger the gap between them seems to get.
She does what she always does when times get tough; buries herself in work.
In this case it's not the best choice because work equals Lucas. The whole reason her family seems to be falling apart. But it's not on him. She can't blame this on him. This is on her.
She indulges in long chats. They sit in rooms alone together and it feels like it's just them in the world. Their bubble always feigns the idealistic dreams that they both still long for.
But she goes home after a show and the bubble always bursts because she's got two kids and a husband waiting for her and he's not a part of that, at least he's not meant to be a part of that. But he is. And her daughter's beaming face every time she sees her clueless father makes Peyton's heart flutter. Makes those day dreams she's spent years trying to lock tight away safely fight their way free. And it all makes her moods sporadic.
Lucas is use to it. Her hot and cold behaviour is the norm. It's been this way for a long time. Her leaning on him. Drawing him in. Then pushing him away, not too far because he has to be close enough to reel him back in. It's a game they've been playing for many years.
It doesn't mean he doesn't still find it hard. And he's becoming tired of it all.
Being on his best behaviour becomes harder everyday and it culminates.
It all comes to a head eventually. Of course it does.
He can't help himself after that set. She instigated it. She started that song. She'd been right. Of course she had. She's always right. That song, that she'd been adamant they wouldn't be playing was too much for the both of them. But she'd started it.
Hearing the crowd. Watching her sing those words again. Feeling her speaking to him through music. It's the only time she's ever honest.
He doesn't knock when he walks into her dressing room.
She's alone and she's frazzled and he knows why. There's no denying it. Not after that. She can't fight it after that.
'Not now Luke'
'You sang it'
She knows. She doesn't know why. Doesn't know what made her tonight. Maybe it was hearing the song in question drift from Sawyer's room on repeat for the last few weeks. Maybe it's the way he smiled at her on stage. Maybe she just wanted to. 'Not now-'
'Fuck that' He shakes his head and stalks toward her.
Her green eyes are wide as her feet carry her backward.
She's still wearing her dress. The sequin covered top half twinkles alluringly, the fabric clinched tight across her bust before floating out into a sparkling gold material.
'Lu-'
His fingers curl around her arms. 'Shut up' he orders because he's done talking.
'Don't'
He glares at her. Dares her to repeat that. He's done listening to her words. He's been listening to her and her demands for far too long. He longs to win back some power that will make him feel a little like they're equals. She doesn't move. Can't. He doesn't hesitate. Kisses her hard. He anticipates her escape, his hands clutching her against the wall. She doesn't try to wrestle him free. She kisses him right back. She's been self restrained for thirteen years. He's tried, he's tried on several occasions but all that's ever resulted in is a slap or harsh words that remind him his hands aren't allowed to touch her anymore. He always forgets though. Because not touching her isn't natural. This is natural. Her control is commendable, truly it is but it's fraudulent. This is pure. Unadulterated. Absolute.
Desire pools between her legs. Desire heats her skin. Desire has her arching into him. Wanting more.
He eagerly hikes her dress up. Wants nothing separating them. Not anymore. There's been a wall between them for far too long. A wall he wants to demolish once and for all.
He's beside himself. Doing this with her has been a distant memory, a memory that he'd had to consider might forever be just that. A dream. A time gone. Lost.
She throws her head back as he kisses a path down her neck. She's not lost.
Her fingers grapple for his. Make do with his wrist and it's hearing her wedding ring clink against his watch that triggers her halting his endeavours to take this further.
'Stop...stop' She wills herself to ignore how damn good his mouth feels on her skin.
He ignores her. Or perhaps he just doesn't hear her.
'Luke!' Her hiss does garner his attention. 'Enough' she pushes at his shoulders. 'Stop'
He pants as his head disengages from her neck. He shakes his head. Presses his forehead hard against hers. 'Baby come on-'
'I can't'
'Yes you fucking can' She gasps as his hips jerk against her. 'Please. You can' He nods despairingly.
'...You know I can't'
'I need you Peyt.'
'I'm here' she whispers her hand grips his wrist hard, stopping his finger's decent beneath her dress because she knows all her sensible thoughts will be gone if she lets them venture any nearer to their destination. 'I'm always here for you' He grits his teeth together because she's not. Not like this. He needs her like this. 'Come on, let go'
'Peyton-'
'I'm married Luke' She feels sick. The guilt is unbearable. More so because they're all right; All those people that like to judge her. She's been oh so diligent in proving them all wrong but she's finally done it. She's violated her wedding vows. Who is she kidding? She did that long ago. Maybe not physically. But she knows her feelings regarding Lucas Scott is a transgression in itself. Has been from the very beginning.
The fingers on her arm retract. The hand clutching her leg releases. Apparently the visual of her husband is enough to clear the lusty haze a little.
Her bottom lip wobbles as he steps back away from her, his hand trailing through his hair in exasperation. She wants his hands back on her. She wants his mouth back on hers. Wants him pressed against her. Wants to give him everything he wants. She wants it too. Of course she does.
'I'll tell Julian to cancel it' She whispers. 'We can't do this...we can't do the tour. I'll...I'll find another way'
His eyes squint at her for a long condemning moment and then he nods once. 'Fine, if you think that'll change anything'
'Please don't hate me' She begs.
'Believe me, I've fucking tried. My life would be a whole lot easier if it were that fucking simple Peyton!'
'Luke-'
'God knows I should fucking hate you...you've done more for me than anyone in this world but you've taken more from me than anyone too' She blinks. 'You've never let me move on'
She feels like she's just been kicked in the stomach. 'That's not true-'
'Isn't it?'
'No!' She won't have that. 'I've encouraged you to leave Tree Hill! I'm the one that's coaxed you to get away from me!'
'Yeah but you do all that and manage to keep me close at the same time! You don't even know you're fucking doing it half the time! You make me think I have a fucking chance again and again and then you go home to him' He growls.
'I want you to find someone else! I want you to be happy! All I want is for you to be happy'
'Yeah? Well you can fix that! I know you fucking feel this' His hand waves between them. 'It's still there. It's always going to be there'
She closes her eyes. Nods once. 'But it can't happen Luke'
'Why?! Because your perfect little marriage will fall apart?! Who the fuck cares?'
Her lashes snap open then. 'It's not just about us! I have kids! I have to do what's right for them!'
He grits his teeth together because her answer says a thousand things. Her answer isn't I love Jake. I want to be with Jake.
'We did this Luke. We had our time. We...we gave this our best shot. And...and it ended with Keith being buried and you in rehab-'
'I'm not that man' He thrusts his finger through the air at her, his eyes suddenly manic.
'I know!...I know!'
'I still love you Peyton!'
'Don't say that' Her hand covers her eyes.
'Why? It's the god damn truth. I'm sick of pretending to every god damn person that I'm over you. I've never been over you. I'm never going to be over you. Nothing will ever get me over you'
'Luke I'm-'
'Married. I fucking know! Are you telling me you're happy with him?'
'Please stop-'
'Why?! I see how you are with him. If you were happy it would-'
'Don't! You don't know anything about me and Jake'
'No? I know you're not completely you with him!'
'And how would you know that?! You spent half of our relationship drunk! Maybe you just don't know me!'
'Don't know you?!' He snorts. 'Sure. I don't fucking know you. I know when you're pissed off. I know when you're genuinely happy. I know that music makes you feel alive. I know that the first time I saw you as a Mum it had changed everything. I know that became your focus. That as much as you fucking love music those girls are what makes you feel alive. I know that your favourite food is anything that involves cheese. I know that you hate olives but you eat them anyway because you want to like them because you have memories of your mum eating them and you'd never admit that because you hate her only you don't hate her. You're fucking mad at her. And for good reason. I love that fucking ridiculous face you make when you're concentrating, it's like you use to look in maths when you couldn't work out a sum. I know what you look like when you come-'
'That's enough' She hisses.
'Does he know? Do you fuck him in the same way?'
'Enough Luke!'
'You don't kiss him the same way'
'Lucas'
'You don't. I've seen you'
'Maybe because every time I'm with him and you're there I can feel your fucking eyes burning into me!' She exclaims.
'You wouldn't have cared who caught us when we were together'
'The girl you were with doesn't exist anymore Luke. She grew up'
'Bullshit. You can hide behind your fancy clothes. You can hide behind the music. But I still see you. I still know you'
'Then you know I have to go home now' She shudders because she needs out. This is becoming more dangerous by the second.
'Right. Run away. Hide behind your husband some more' She blinks. She's finding it harder and harder to keep the tears at bay. He steps toward her. 'Why didn't you come pick me up that day? Why did you orchestrate Mum and Hales coming?' She swallows. 'I read the letters you sent her as I tried to come to terms with the fact that my girlfriend was engaged to another man'
'Don't make out that I didn't end it before that happened. I ended it with you' She mumbles.
'Why?!' He barks into her face. She's trembling. He can't work out if it's her tears or fear. Neither is comforting. She doesn't say anything. He knows she's not going to say anything. 'I guess I was never good enough huh'
'Luke' Her face crumples.
'You know what I don't want to get into this with you...' It's pointless. He's not going to get what he wants. He never does. He knows how this this ends. 'Go home to your husband Peyton' It has to end the way it always does. With her going home to another man.