Chapter 33

Steve slept for almost sixteen hours. He felt much better than the day before and not so whacked anymore. Even his muscle and bone pain he had felt almost constantly the day before – despite the pain killer he had taken – was nearly gone. His hand hurt, but it was manageable. Danny had breakfast with Charlie and brought him to school afterwards, but wasn't back yet, so Steve and Catherine were alone. They ate in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. When they were done, Catherine gave Steve a shave, cleaned his wounds and rebandaged his hand. Two of the lacerations were slightly inflamed, but the stitched ones looked good. They agreed on having a look again in the evening.
"You up for doing PT today?"
"It's fine. The painkillers have already taken effect, so I think I can do some. But I'd like to do Jacobsen after Dr. Jensen. I think it's going to be a tough session and I think I will need that afterwards. And would you mind driving me? I don't want to bother Danny again."

"I don't mind, but Danny volunteered for the job, so I don't think you are bothering him."
"When they were about to finish their PT session Danny returned.
"Good morning everyone. Hope you have slept well."
"Yeah. What about Charlie?"
"What about him? I just brought him to school."
"Is he good? I mean no nightmares or anything?"
"No. He is fine. I told you not to worry about him. He told me to tell you that he loves you and to give you a hug and a kiss. I'll give you that hug, but you have to imagine that kiss."
Steve smiled "Okay. And thank you. Tell him I love him too."
"Maybe you can do that yourself. He wants to come back next weekend – if it is okay for you."
"I've told you it is – anytime. I just still can't swim with him I am afraid." He held up his injured hand. "Not before the stitches are out and the other cuts have healed properly."
"I'll tell him that, but I am sure he wants to come anyway. He told me he wants to challenge someone for a return game." He looked at Catherine. "Do you think you can handle that another time?" he said smiling.
"I'd love to," Catherine answered happily.
A few hours later Steve and Danny were on their way to Dr. Jensen. Steve was very quiet during the drive and just gave short answers to his friend's questions.
"Hey, you okay?"
"Hmm?...yeah…,yeah sorry. I am just nervous. It's going to be tough and I need to concentrate on keeping myself together. I try to relax a bit and concentrated on my breathing."
"If you had told me I had stopped talking. Now continue. We will be there in five minutes."
When Danny pulled into the parking lot, Steve sat in the car for another few minutes, eyes closed, breathing deeply and evenly. When he finally started to exit the car, Danny took him by his arm and said "You'll do."
Steve looked at his friend and replied with a forced smile "thank you Danny."
He waited for about two minutes when the door the doctor's office opened and his psychologist said "come one in, commander."
Steve took his usual seat, took a deep breath and said with a steady voice "I had a flashback. It was about Danny getting hurt. It was almost worse than the actual incident. I froze, I couldn't do anything, I just stared, I lost control."
"Do you know what triggered it?"
"Yes."
"Care to explain it to me?"
"Danny was covered in tomato juice and I thought it was blood. It…it looked totally different than the first time. I mean…he…he was standing…and even smiling, but to me…to me it…it looked…it…he…he…blood…"
"Commander. You need to look at me. Take deep breaths, okay? In…and out. In…and out. That's great. You are doing good. Continue to do so." Dr. Jensen stood up and got a bottle of water which he put in front of his patient. When Steve was in control of his body again the Dr. said "Now drink some water. If you can, all of it. If you are ready to continue tell me. If you need a break or get some fresh air say it as well."
"Steve emptied three-fourth of the bottle in small sips, then he said "Okay, I am good."
"How did you get out of it?"
"I don't exactly know. I think it was the medication I got at the hospital and the time that had passed until I was aware of my surroundings again. I've slept a lot until that had happened. But I do not remember much."
"What do you remember?"
"Seeing Danny, feeling helpless. I know I couldn't breathe for a while…I think I vomited...and Charlie."
"Danny's son?"
"Yes…and waking up in the hospital."
"You had flashbacks before that, right?"
"Yes, but never something like this. And although I don't remember much, I don't want to have that again. Especially not when Charlie is around. I mean Danny said he hasn't seen much, but that was this time. What if we had been alone? I would have scared him to death. It's bad enough I put Catherine and Danny through this, but a kid? This was the worst of all."
"Why do you think something will trigger a flashback when you are alone with Charlie? Did something happen with him that can bring you in this kind of a situation?"
"No. No." Steve shook his head and averted his gaze.
"But with a different kid, right?"
"K…K…kids. But…but I…I can't tell you that. It's classified."
"I don't need a location or a time. Can you tell me what it was about?"
Steve still didn't look at his doctor and shook his head again. His eyes welled up with tears.
"No."
"Have you been a part of it or did you witness?"
"F…f…forced to…to…w…w…witness. I…I would never ever do that to a...anyone – especially not to kids."
The tears were silently flowing down Steve's cheeks, but he didn't bother to wipe them away.
"I am sorry, but I need a break," he said with a trembling voice.
"Sure. Do you want to lie down in the next room or are you okay in that armchair?"
"I am good. Just…just give me a few minutes."
When Steve signaled that he was good to go, Dr. Jensen said "At the current state we most likely won't be able to prevent future flashbacks altogether, but since you haven't had that much and especially not such severe ones we will be able to get them under control a lot easier than usual. Flashbacks sometimes come out of nowhere – like the one you just experienced. Something has happened that you hadn't expected and that you weren't prepared for. It got triggered by a trivial scene and you felt like the trauma just happened in that very moment. It's a normal response to this kind of trauma. But sometimes there are warning signs. These signs can be sudden sweating, change in moods, pressure in your chest, elevated heart rate…you need to become aware of those signs. Then you can work on preventing the flashbacks. If you feel any of the signs you have to tell yourself that you are having a flashback or one is about to come. What helps is to take deep breaths – it increases the oxygen in your system and helps you to come out of your state faster. You already have experience with Jacobsen. How does it help you?"
"I am still learning, but I do it as often as possible. We have three sessions a week scheduled, but I try to do it on my own as well – like before this session. If I have a little more experience, I think it will help me to get grounded more often and faster."
"Exactly. If you try that in an oncoming flashback it will help you to get out of it before it really started. But it needs training. What also helps is using your senses. Try to get aware of what you see, smell, hear, taste or feel. If you train that – even without feeling a flashback coming – it will help you a lot if you feel one coming and of course if you are in one. Get aware of your body and listen to what it needs and/or wants.
Okay, I think we are done for today. I hope to see you on Wednesday. I want you to start to train what I just told you. The more you do it the better it will help. But please, don't pressure yourself. Just do it when you have time. Don't "squeeze it in" somewhere.
We will talk about triggers next time – what kind there are and how to cope and/or handle them. Do you have any questions so far?"
"Actually, yes."
"Go ahead."

"I talked to Catherine and Danny about going into a clinic."
"And?"
"And they didn't want me to."
"And?"
"I am still not sure about it."
"Why do you want to go there?"
"Because – despite what you've told me - I still care about my friends. And I don't want to put them through all of this. They worry about me 24/7 and the nightmares and flashbacks don't make it any better."
"First, I've never told you to not care about your friends, I just told you to take care of yourself and tend to your needs as well and second, is there more to it or is that the only reason?"
"It's the most important - to me. And because I have around the clock help from people who get paid for it. Not that they don't care, but it is different than putting a loved one through it. And there will be other people with the same problem."
"Did you just want to tell me or do you want advice?"
"Advice."
"I understand your reasons and I will tell you what I think of it. But as usual I don't want you to take my opinion as the right one. I want you to think about everything thoroughly and take everything into consideration. And then I want you to decide what you want."
Steve nodded. "Okay."
"I don't think it is something for you. In my opinion you already have the right plan, the right support team, the right psychologist - of course, but most importantly the right attitude. We found a medication that works for you and you are already on the right way. What you have to learn is, that no matter who you work with this won't be over in a week – or a month.
You have a lot of hard work and painful times ahead of you. But I am very confident that you will succeed in the end. What you need is a familiar environment in which you feel comfortable and safe and people you can trust with everything – to whom you can turn to anytime. I don't know you very long. What I do know is that an institution like such a clinic is and has none of the above – for you. I know you would adapt – usually easily – but at the moment it would just put more stress on you until you do. I agree on the fact that it might be helpful to talk to other people who are suffering from PTSD as well though. It might be good to join group therapy – once a week or just every other week. We have to see what will suit you. If you want to do that, we'll have to cancel a one-on-one though.
That is my opinion. Now think and decide. Whatever you want to do, I'll support you and try to get you in.
Is there anything else you need to know or want to talk about?"
"No. Or at least not today. It was a lot for me today and it brought some bad memories back. I will think about everything. Thank you."