Chapter 34

"Hey buddy, you good?" Danny said when Steve entered the car.
"Yeah. It was good – somehow. We just had a lot to talk about and I have a lot to think about. But I don't think I can do that right now. Headache started about fifteen minutes ago and it is increasing. Hand hurts too. I think I got a little stressed and strained in there. I need to close my eyes for a bit. If I fall asleep it is okay to leave me in the car. Don't worry, I won't yell at you again."
"It's fine. Just rest a bit."
"Steve didn't fall asleep, but he didn't talk either.

When they arrived at the house he said "thank you for driving me. And thank you for everything else you did and do. I really appreciate it."
"Don't mention it."
When they entered the living room Catherine was standing in front of the couch and was about to say something, but Steve went straight for her and hugged her tight.
"You okay?" she asked him, but also looked at Danny.
"I am. Just hold me for a while."
She did as she was asked – gladly. She felt some tension on him, but nothing that was pointing to an oncoming breakdown. Danny knew that Steve had meant what he had said, but he also knew that there are some things Steve needed he could only get from Catherine. And he could see that now was one of these times. He nodded at Catherine and went into the kitchen to give them some privacy and to drink something.
When he returned half an hour later, Catherine was sitting on the couch and just about to put a pillow under their friend's head which was lying in her lap. He moaned softly when she lifted his head and a second time when she put it down again.
"He said anything?" Danny asked in a low voice.
"No – not yet. Would you mind and spread the blanket over him?"
While he did, he said "he mentioned earlier that his hand hurt. Should we have a look at it?"
"Yeah, in the evening. I think he just needs to take his painkillers and antibiotics. It will help with the headache too. We should let him sleep for now."
"I thought he didn't say anything…"
"He didn't."
"Then how do you know he has a headache?"
"I just know. I can always tell – even if he tries to hide and/or ignore it."
'Sure, you can,' he thought, but just nodded, glad someone was there who could read his best friend.
"I thought about chicken with broccoli and tomatoes for dinner, bananas with chopped nuts and honey for dessert. What do you think?"
"Sounds good to me and it has everything in it that his body needs."
"That's why I wanted to cook it. Glad you are okay with it. I'll go and prepare it. Do you need anything?"
"If you can make some coffee – that would be great."
"On it."
Danny brought the coffee to Catherine when it was done and told her that he would join her in fifteen minutes when he was finished in the kitchen.
When he re-entered the living room Catherine was stroking Steve's arm and alternately speaking in a low and soothing voice or kissing his forehead or cheek.
"What is going on? Nightmare?"
"Yeah. He is a bit restless and mumbles from time to time – incoherently. He is starting to sweat too. Always a bad sign."
"We should wake him."
"I've tried. Nothing. That is why I started to talk and touch him. That usually helps."
"No, no, don't do that. Nooo!" – that wasn't incoherent anymore. Catherine tried to wake him again, doubling her efforts – speaking louder and shaking his shoulder none too gently.
It woke him up, but he was still in his dream and felt in danger. He brought his elbow up, but thankfully Catherine saw it coming and avoided the hit. Unfortunately, though she let go of his shoulder as well and he tried to break free from "his captors". He made a fist which hurt – a lot - but he ignored it. It was probably his only chance of getting out of here alive and to rescue at least some of the kids as well. He stood up and struck in the direction of his "enemy", but Catherine had seen that coming as well and ducked her head. Steve hit the back of the couch instead – at full force. The pain that flared up his hand and wrist was tremendous and it woke him up completely.
He stared at Catherine, then little by little he got aware of his surroundings – he was home. There was no danger. 'Why the hell does my hand hurt like crazy? Why is it bandaged and why is there blood on it?'
"Steve! Did you hear me? It's fine. It was a nightmare."
"Catherine! My god! Did…did I hit you?" His pain was forgotten as soon as the worry about her took over.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean to. I…I…"
"No, it is okay. You hit the couch. Sit down and let me see your hand. It's bleeding again."
"What do you mean – "again"?" he asked, but did as was told and let her do without resistance.
"She unwrapped his hand and took a look at the damage. It wasn't too bad, just three cuts on his fingers re-opened. Danny put the small first aid kit from the kitchen beside her on the couch and shoved a bottle of water into Steve's good hand.
"Drink!"
"Why?"
"Because you need it."
"Okay."
"And small sips please. Don't want you to vomit."
Steve nodded and took a small sip. When Catherine applied an antiseptic, he hissed and looked at his wounds.
"What happened to my hand, Catherine?"
She exchanged a quick but concerned look with Danny.
"You crushed a glass two days ago, remember?"
"...Yeah, I remember. Is Charlie okay?"
"Yes, he is. Would you mind to drink some more?"
"Why?"
"Because you need fluids. You haven't had much today."
"Okay."
After another few sips Catherine said "I am going to clean the rest of your wounds now, then I am going to rebandage."
"Okay."
Catherine finished her work while Steve emptied his bottle.
"Can I have some more?"
"Of course, you can," Danny answered. "I'll get it for you."
He returned not even a minute later and gave the bottle to his friend.
"Thank you."
All three sat in silence while Steve emptied the bottle as well.
"How about something to eat? I prepared…"
"Not hungry, thank you."
"Steve you need to eat something, even if it is a small amount. We talked about eating properly."
"I know. I …I just don't feel good. And I don't think I can eat."
"How about some bananas with honey and nuts? I am going to mash the fruits. They are easy to eat."
"S…sounds good. I'll try."
It took him almost an hour to get down two bananas with half a hand full of nuts and some honey. It wasn't much, but better than nothing at all.
"Come on, let's get outside for a bit," Danny suggested.
"Why?"
Danny sighed "Because the sun is shining, it's warm and you need some fresh air."
"Okay."
Danny held his hand out. Steve took it and let himself be led out of the house. He walked to the end of the lanai and looked at the ocean, then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then another and another. Some kind of peace settled in on him. He stood for another ten minutes before he turned. Both his friends stood a few feet behind watching him.
"This is the best smell ever," he said. "It's good to be home."
"Steve? You've been home for a while you know, right?"
"Yes, Catherine. I know. But it just felt like I was back in…never mind. I know it was a dream. But it had been real…a long time ago. And…and a few minutes ago it felt real again. I am thankful that it wasn't. I am thankful to be home."
"You want to tell us what happened?"
"No, Danny. I don't want to."
"Don't tell me it is fucking classified!"
"It is. But even if it wasn't, I wouldn't tell you. And believe me you don't want to know. It would destroy you like it almost did me all those years ago – or maybe it even did. I don't know."
They all fell silent again after hearing Steve's words. He looked sad and defeated and his friends thought he was done speaking, but he started again.
"You know, the more I talk about everything the more things come up again. I thought I had put them away forever, but…but it looks like I was wrong…I know I have to do it though…to get healed. I try to open up and tell you everything, I really do, but there are still things I just can't tell you – for your own good. And I don't want you to push me to it. There…there…I've seen horrible things that I don't want you to hear…to imagine…to know that something like that even exists."
A pondering silence arose.
"And…and if I will ever hurt one of you…bec…because of my dreams, m…my memories…or…because I think I am in danger…I go to that clinic…doesn't matter what you tell me or what you want. And…and…and that is not negotiable." Pause. "You…you can't force me to stay here then."
"We…we won't babe," Danny said with a hoarse voice. He had to clear his throat before he could continue.
"We won't, but we will cross that bridge whenever it will arrive – if it will arrive, okay?"
"Sure, but I meant it."
"I believe you, but still…it will probably never happen and until then we shouldn't think about it. One thing less to worry about."
Steve nodded. "Can…can I have some more water? Probably just the rest of the memories, but I am parched…don't worry, not literally this time." He smiled sadly.
"I'll get it for you. You want water or ginger ale?" Catherine asked.
"Water is fine."
When Catherine went back into the house, Danny asked "You okay, babe?"
"No, Danny, but I am trying. More than anything. But it costs so much strength. Sometimes I think I don't have that anymore. I feel like every time I am taking a step forwards I am taking two backwards."
He took a few sips from the water Catherine had brought.
"And I don't mean that I am weak. After more and more memories are coming up, I think I have seen and experienced too much. You guys were right…but…but I…I…it's weighing me down. I feel heavy, like…like I can't straighten up…I don't know if this makes any sense to you…my…my muscles and bones hurt more every day. Everything is stiff and sometimes I feel like I can't put one foot in front of the other. Fatigue and headaches are a constant companion."
Both, Catherine and Danny didn't know what to say. They were happy that Steve had come out of the listlessness and passivity he had been in after his nightmare, but hearing all this moved them.
They wanted to know what had happened at the incident Steve just dreamed about and what he had meant with dying of thirst, but on the other hand they didn't want to know any of this.
Danny was the first to speak again.
"Babe, I can only imagine how you feel, but I can't really feel it. Thankfully, because I know it is a lot of pain and I don't know if I could stand it. Unfortunately, because maybe then I could help you better or take some of it away from you. All I know, that it is a tough thing and we will do everything to support you. You made the first step – probably the hardest for you- and accepted our help. At the moment if feels like it is getting worse and like you are unable to cope. But buddy, I know you are still one tough guy and if Dr. Jensen says you can do it, you can do it. We all believe in you. You just need to cut yourself some slack and take small steps and one after the other."
"I will try, Danny. This is all I can do, try."
"I agree with Danny. A hundred percent. And if there is anything you need from us - anything – just ask."
"You two are doing enough already, but thank you. I don't know what I would do without you."
"And if the therapy plan is too much for you, we can see what we can change or cancel. Just talk to us – like you did today. I am really proud of you." Catherine said.
"Thank you, both of you. I think I am going to bed now. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Do you want a massage?"
"No, thanks."
He went upstairs, took Triplicam, his pain medicine and antibiotics, changed his shorts and shirt and went to bed.
Catherine and Danny made themselves some sandwiches and left their planned dinner for the next day.
They were concerned about their friend, how fast his state had gone from bad to worse and subsequently about the condition he was in.
It took two hours before the two decided to go to bed as well. When Catherine entered the bedroom, Steve was lying on his side. He had wrapped himself tight into his blanket like he had been cold, but he was fast asleep. Catherine looked at him for a few minutes and although she had already agreed to Danny's statement "is it just me or does Steve look even skinnier than two weeks ago?" from about half an hour ago - now that she looked intensely at her friend it was even more evident.
She changed into her night clothes and for his as well as for her own comfort she snuggled up to the sleeping man and although she knew he wouldn't hear her she whispered into his ear "We'll get you through this. I promise. Sleep tight. I love you."