"Where were you?" He doesn't look up from the i-pad propped on his lap.
She knows what he's actually asking. She puts her handbag down on the counter top. "I've not seen Lucas"
"I know"
"You know" She edges into the living room where he's sat.
"I took Sawyer to have her lesson. You weren't there. Unless you went to great lengths at hiding your car" He knows that's not the case.
Her face crumples because she dreads to think what words have been said, she dreads to think what her daughter has witnessed in her absence. "Please tell me you didn't get into a fight with him with Sawyer there"
"Give me a bit more credit" He sniggers. "Some of us are capable of curbing our instincts" He closes the screen of his i-pad and shifts it onto the arm of the chair before looking up at her then. "You still haven't answered me. Where were you?"
"I went to see Anna and Larry" His eyes narrow suspiciously. "What reason would I have to lie to you? I've been nothing but honest about everything Jake" She wearily declares. "Where're the girls?"
"Sawyer is upstairs. Indie is in the den watching a film"
"They been ok?"
"Mmm. Bit quiet"
"Have you eaten?"
"No"
"...I'll make something"
He snorts because she's never cooked in her life. "We can order in" She nods because that probably makes more sense. "How are Anna and Larry?"
"Ok"
"That's good"
"They're thinking of moving back here"
"Wow, that's big"
"I'd love it"
"Yeah" He stands. Gives up feigning interest in her day. His mind is consumed with other things. Walks over to the kitchen island and seeks out the take out menus. "What do you fancy?"
"I don't mind. Whatever you want" She hesitantly joins him. He doesn't argue. "...are we gonna talk about this-"
"Pizza" He decides.
"I think we should-"
"I've said everything I want to say. We're fine ok" He nods and she grimaces because she knows they're far from ok. He's far from ok. "It's all good babe" He forces a smile. "I'll order this" He wavers the menu. Doesn't ask her what she wants. Knows what her choice will be without asking. Only she doesn't want anything right now. She doesn't think she can stomach anything. She thinks they should talk. Thinks there's so much to say. Anna had given her strength but that courage seems to have ebbed away during the car journey home. She's following his lead. Doing what he wants. They're seemingly going to pretend like nothing has happened. She's going to tread on eggshells for the next few weeks. He's gonna make her work for forgiveness. Then one day he'll come in and they'll be back to normal. Well as normal as can be until it all blows up again, which it will because it's not resolved. It's never resolved.
She keeps to her word. She doesn't see Lucas. Well not alone. They have to do two more tour dates because there's not enough time to deal with the ramifications of cancelling them so close to the day. She's whisked in and out of the venues. They perform together but no hellos and goodbyes are said. Not that they ever needed that. They always could speak without words. Their eyes linger. She wants to say sorry. Wants to explain. He wants to interrogate her.
And then it's over. Chaos still ensues. They're on the front page of every magazine. Speculations have been made of course. Her statement that family problems have meant she's had to postpone dates and end the tour only get's her so far. Somehow the few shows they did do have kept their original album in the charts and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and she doesn't understand. It's like the whole world is championing the break down of her marriage.
It's six weeks later when she breaks her promise. Breaks her silence. Can't not because she's heard something through word of mouth that has her fuming.
"You're selling the house?" This isn't why she's here but the for sale sign in the front yard that she's just been confronted with has left her reeling.
"...Yeah" He can't say he's that surprised that she's turned up. It was only a matter of time. He's sat on the porch swing, his guitar laying beside him.
"Luke..." Her mind is whirling. A knot in her stomach.
"What're you doing here?" He stands.
She swallows. She didn't hear his question "...Selling the house is big change" She notes gently.
"There's no such thing as small change" He disputes. "...did you actually want something?"
Her brow rises because he's being short. Understandably so but it still stings. "You can't just make huge decisions without-"
"I've not fallen off the fucking wagon Peyton" He knows where her mind has gone.
"Okay but...Are you going to your meetings and-"
"Don't do that"
"What?"
"I've not spoken to you in six weeks. I'm not your problem anymore. I don't need you checking in. Nobody is asking you to be here" he flaps his hands and his glowering stare is taunting. It's her cue to go but she doesn't take it. 'Why're you here?"
"...I heard you're going on the road with Kris Keller. Is it true?" It's what's lured her here. It's what's consumed her all morning.
"He needs a guitarist. I need a job don't I?" He answers her enraged question.
"What about Hales?"
"I wouldn't ask her to fire the guy that she's got on the road with her now-"
"I didn't mean that. I meant what about your best friend?! Do you not think she'll be a little upset that you're touring with the guy that destroyed her relationship with your brother?! What will Nate say Lucas?!"
"Since when do you come to Nate's defence?!"
"Just because he doesn't particularly like me and I don't see Hales that much doesn't mean I don't fucking care about them!" She bleats her irritation.
"Why?!"
"Because I fucking care about you you idiot. And I know how important he is to you. How important Haley is to you! I don't want you falling out over something so stupid!"
He stares at her. "...Haley and Nathan are fine with it"
"What?"
"This was her idea actually"
"What? Are her and Kris-"
"No. Her and Nate are" He corrects. Her eyes bug out. She'd not thought that would ever be on the cards after everything that had gone down between Haley James and Nathan Scott. "At least they're talking about it...She heard through the great vine that Kris needed someone. She told me cause she knows I need to get away"
She blinks. Shakes her head. "But he's an asshole Lucas! And you'd essentially be working for Rachel-"
"And?" He wants her to say it out loud. I don't want you to.
She doesn't. Instead she's nonsensically saying things she shouldn't. "Stay!- When Jenny wants to get back to music I want her to be surrounded by a group of people we trust-"
His outraged laugh cuts her off. "And you want that to be an alcoholic that her father hates?! I hardly think that's the best shout for a recovering addict!"
"Maybe you're wrong- you've recovered- she can relate to you" She's clutching at straws.
"Are you forgetting that you fired me?! Are you forgetting that you've promised your husband I won't be allowed near your precious label ever again! You're meant to be cutting me out. You shouldn't be here'
"He'd do anything for Jenny-"
"No, he'd do anything for you but there's a fucking limit. Even for him"
She pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth. Turns around and he thinks she's going to leave but she sinks onto the top step of the porch.
"He'll be pissed when he finds out you've been here"
"He can't tell me what to do-"
"No? I think he's done that a whole lot actually. You never use to let anyone manipulate you-"
"I'm not! You have to make compromises in a marriage-"
"If that's what you want to call it. Look whatever ridiculous plan you're concocting over there just stop. He'll never agree to it and I'm not interested anyway"
"Jenny's band members aren't up to him!" She can't stop. She's disregarding the promise she'd made to her husband. Disregarding that her declaration will surely end in world war three in the Jagielski residence.
"Peyton-"
"I'll talk him round-"
"And how will you do that?"
"What?" She swallows.
"All these years there's been a lot of you talking him round when it comes to me hasn't there?! He hates me. I'd hate me too were I him! I get it"
"Let me handle Jake"
His jaw juts out. "How does it work? When you two argue about me? Because I know you do. How could you not?"
"Why're we talking about Jake right now? I'm talking about you leaving with that jackass-"
"Don't you get it?! I'm leaving because of you and him!"
"I said I'd handle him-"
"How? By fucking him? Is that what you do?! Seduce him into agreeing to me being around?! Because that" He shakes his head. "I'd rather never be near you ever again if that's the case" His words jar her. "Do you know how sick that makes me feel? You being with him like that for me?! When all I want is you?! I don't fucking care about my career. I don't care about any of it. It's all about you, you know that"
"Luke-"
"No. I, why're you here Peyton? This is exactly what I was talking about- you push me away, shut me down and then rock up at my house after ghosting me for six weeks and try and find some ridiculous way of making me stay! I can't keep doing this. I have to go. Ok?" She stares at him. "I..I can't do this anymore" Tears spill down her cheeks then. She can't contain them for a second more. He averts his eyes and she hastily turns her head away "It's not fair on me I...you can't be there for me in the way I..." She drops her head into her hands. "I love you but you love Jake. You've moved on" He doesn't know if he's telling himself that or her. "It's about time I accepted that" He pinches the bridge of his nose and her stomach clenches.
She sniffles. Tries to get it together. There's so much she wants to say but the words won't come. "...What about Sawyer?"
"What about her?"
"Her lessons"
"She had me promise I wouldn't bail on her lessons. I don't know that that's really in her best interest but I found myself agreeing anyway. It seems she's got the talent of talking people into things from her mother..." Her mouth opens and closes. "We can still facetime lessons or something" She nods sombrely. He's silent for a few minutes. He wasn't going to bring it up but who's he kidding. He can't not. "...Whitey told me" Her neck jars as her head swivels to look up at him.
"Told you what?"
"...Do you think you're responsible for Keith's death?"
"...what?" Her heart races.
His shoes sound on the deck as he joins her on the top step. "Keith encouraged you to break it off with me. Whitey told you to end it with me too" She grimaces.
"He shouldn't have told you that"
"No? Why? God forbid I have an actual explanation. You ended it because you knew it was what Keith wanted didn't you?"
"What do you want me to say?" She wraps her arms tight around herself.
"I want you to tell me it's true"
"...He always had your best interests at heart. He was right" She sighs.
"Yes he probably was but he sure as hell didn't mean forever! He didn't mean go and marry another man!" He hisses and she knows by his riled delivery that he's rehashed these words over and over in his head in recent weeks. She's actually impressed that he hasn't sought her out to have this conversation.
"You've gotten better Luke" She states wearily.
"I knew the second Whitey told me, I knew exactly what you've been thinking!"
"And what's that?"
"...you're not responsible for Keith's death" The lump in the back of her throat is suddenly impossible to contain. A sob passes her lips then and his arm moves around her after a beat. It was inevitable. They've done well to last as long as they have without making physical contact. She leans into his side and his hands lock around her "...you're not"
She nods against his chest. She does know that but it doesn't stop her feeling responsible.
"...I got better for you. For you. You do know that right?! You know the only reason I'm god damn sober is for you" She doesn't say anything. Can't. "Do you think the second I have you back I'm going to screw up again? Is that why you're so scared of this? Peyton I've spent years mastering dealing with this fucking illness! And us being us, us being together is the last thing that's ever going to have me relapsing. You think I have this disease because of you don't you?!"
"M-maybe n-not direct-ly b-but it is be-be-cause of me, b-be-cause of my life! I got you into that lifestyle Luke. O-of being on the road of having drugs and alcohol at your fingertips. If you'd just been a normal kid you, you wouldn't have been touring. There, there would have been no temptation!"
"Maybe. Maybe it wouldn't have been when I was as young as I was but it would've just been something I woulda dealt with later on in life. Because this is an illness. You can't avoid it! I have a disease Peyton. It's there every day but I fucking beat it" His nostrils flare. He cups her face fiercely then. "...please tell me you're not married to another man because of some ridiculous notion that you're the reason Keith is dead, that you're the reason I'm an alcoholic"
She abruptly twists away from his touch. Sits up straighter. "I'm not the reason. But I played a p-part in it all"
"No, no you really didn't..."
"Well that's not how I see it"
"No? You know what I think? I think perhaps you don't have faith in me-"
"Don't be absurd"
"Is it that absurd? You're here right now because you thought there was a chance I'd drank"
She sniffles. "Don't be mad at me for that. I don't have the luxury of forgetting the past. I just needed to...check you were ok...you, you're making brash decisions and yeah it, it scares the shit out of me. I worry about you all the fucking time!"
"They're not brash decisions. They're well thought out, six weeks of discussing kind of decisions..."
She swallows thickly. "...ok" Her shoulders shrug. "...if this is what you want and need fine"
"...it's not what I want or need...but I can't wait around for you to be brave enough to make the leap"
•••
"You look hot"
She brusquely walks away. "Not now babe"
She closes her eyes as she fumbles with her earrings because she can hear his footsteps approaching. Of course today is the day he decides to completely let go of her past actions. "What's wrong?" He hums as he reaches her, his hand softly brushing her hair off of her shoulder.
"Nothing's wrong" She tries to escape again but he foresees her escape this time round and his hands clamp down on her hips. "I'm gonna take a shower"
"Yeah? I could take a shower" She doesn't say anything. Her silence says a thousand words. Her silence is a resounding no to his suggestion. He sighs loudly and lets go of her.
The guilt is quick to invade her bones. "Ok" She instantly turns toward him and reaches out and he momentarily thinks how ridiculous it is. They're on a see saw. He never much did like those even when he was a kid. They made him feel nauseous. She's making him dizzy.
"Don't do that" He shrugs her hand away.
"Do what?" Her brow furrows.
"Don't fucking change your mind out of pity. You don't fucking want me to touch you"
"I'm just not in the mood"
"So say that!"
"I shouldn't have to! You know I'm not but you try anyway and guilt me into-"
"I guilt you into it?!" He cries indignantly.
"Yes!" She wavers her hands. Lucas's words are fresh in her mind and it doesn't matter that she doesn't agree with his view. He's planted the seed and she's wondering if she has changed. "No" She changes her answer as fury dances across his face. He doesn't guilt her. She's pretty sure she guilts herself.
"I'm just trying to get us back on fucking track. It'd be nice if you put in the same bloody effort...You've been near him haven't you?"
"What?"
"You really think I'm a fucking idiot don't you?" He shakes his head. "We've done this fucking dance enough times. I. Know. You" He smiles but there's zero amusement. "What? Nothing to say?" The smile wanes. "You never want me touching you when you've been near him. Did you know that? Unless I start behaving like a jealous fool. Then you're all over me" He ponders. "You know I'm actually kind of impressed you lasted this long. Six weeks has to be a record" Predictably she makes a bee line for the bathroom. He side steps in front of her. "Come on, spill the beans. What was it? An accidental run in" his fingers do quote marks in the air. "You finally heard that he's leaving to tour with Keller didn't you?"
"You knew?" She's pissed in all of a heartbeat.
"Yes I knew"
"And you just weren't going to tell me?"
"You said you were done seeing him. Him leaving Tree Hill for a good while is surely irrelevant"
"I'm not a fucking child Jake! You don't get to choose what I do and don't know!"
"No? I think I have every bloody right when it comes to you and Lucas Scott" He argues. "So, did you manage to keep your panties on?"
"I'm not doing this-" She tries to retreat again but he's riled and she's going nowhere. "Let me go"
"We're talking-"
"No we're not. You're being ridiculous"
"I'm ridiculous" He looks up for a pensive moment. "I'm ridiculous. My wife had her tongue down someone else's throat a couple of months ago and I'm ridiculous for not trusting her to keep her damn legs shut?!"
"I wouldn't do that-"
"No but you want to and that's just as bad! I told you not to go near him!"
"And I've kept to your stupid fucking rules until now! I just wanted to speak to him but you'll be glad to hear he doesn't want to talk to me! I was barely there five seconds" She can't help the tears that glaze over her eyes because she's upset. She's upset because they'd argued and god she'd never been able to bear arguing with Lucas Scott. He was upset with her and that killed her more than her husband's raging jealousy. The irony isn't lost on her.
"Did you try and talk him into staying? Hm?"
"He's got an illness Jake! You know him touring with fucking Chris Keller isn't good for him-"
"He's a grown man that is capable of making his own god damn decisions. He doesn't need you vetting him. He doesn't need you. I need you. Do you know what it's like?! Never being good enough for you? Never feeling like you're actually mine"
She shakes her head. "You know you make this about Luke but the reality is you want a housewife that doesn't work that looks after your kids and has your dinner on the table when you get in. I've never been that!"
He snorts. "I don't want that! I just want you to want me as much as you fucking want him!" He barks. "I want to know that when I'm away you're going to be counting down the days until I'm back! That you're going to tell me you hate it when I'm gone! That you miss me"
She pinches the bridge of her nose. "...I do miss you"
"Sure you do" He shakes his head. "I'm going for a run"
She doesn't try to stop. Wants him to go. And then the tears that keep invading her nights start and can't be stopped.
•••
"Honey what's wrong?" Peyton watches her. She's spent the last twenty minutes wondering if she's being completely paranoid but something is off. She knows she can't expect her step-daughter to be on top form, not after everything but call it mother's intuition, she knows something isn't right.
"I...I I love you"
"I love you too kiddo" Peyton frowns, her hand resting on the nineteen year olds back. "Has something happened...have...have you used-"
"No, no" Jenny hastily cuts off because she knows Peyton. Knows how hard this has all been on her and it's the last thing she wants her to think. "Nothing like that. I swear I'm not, I won't. I know I let you down but-"
"You didn't let me down-"
"Yes I did! I know how hard this shit is for you. I never meant to put you through all of this. You're the one person I was most concerned about disappointing, the one person I didn't want to hurt and I just..." She becomes teary.
"Jen" Peyton shakes her head. "Don't think about me. I'm sorry I've been MIA. I wanted to come to your rehab I just-"
"I know why you couldn't. I get why. I'm just sorry for everything. The label, the-"
"Babe, enough" Peyton cuts off. "I don't want you worrying about the label or me! You just need to concentrate on you right now. I need you to be ok. Ok? That's all I need. So if, if you're struggling, if you think you're-"
"I'm not going to use. I'm okay. Really I am. The first few days after I was released were tough. I'd gotten use to a routine and suddenly that wasn't there anymore and I'm back in my own space, free to do what I want again but I, I'm adjusting to living back here in my apartment"
"Yeah? You know you're welcome back home. Anytime you want. I'd like it if you moved back in. All of this felt too sudden, you living by yourself. If we'd just insisted you stay with us instead of move in with your Mum-"
"I know. Moving in with Nicky wasn't the best choice but at sixteen the idea of not having rules was kinda cool. I can see how rules and having actual parents that give a shit is actually cooler now"
"I should've put up more of a fight"
"You made it known what you wanted me to do and I threw the 'You're not my Mum' line at you" Jenny exhales. "Moving in here was better for me than staying with Nicky any longer"
"But moving back in with us might be even better for you"
"Really. You don't need to worry. I don't want Indie and Sawyer to be so close to me right now. I want to be the best example to them-"
"You are"
"I have meetings I have to attend every other day so that's giving me a bit of structure and I can come over anytime right?"
"Right. But you can pick up the phone and call me at any time day or night if you change your mind. I'll come"
"I know...I thought I might erm, get back in the studio...if I'm, I'm still..."
"Of course you're still signed"
"You could've terminated my contract. I broke the rules"
"Rules are there to be broken. Thery'e just a rough guide" Peyton smiles. "You don't need to worry about touring, the album, the label. None of it. It's not going anywhere- when you're ready it'll be waiting. But if if you want out of this, like, you want to be out of your contract you just need you to tell me. It's okay for you to change your mind"
"I don't. That's not...I want to stay on the label...I just don't know that you're going to still want me"
"Oh honey. I'll always want you. You're my kid"
"I'm not though am I?"
"I love you"
"I know. But I, you don't owe me anything and well...fuck...I don't...I...you're, you've always been there for me and I, I'm let's face it you don't have reason to be...I've been a nightmare-"
"You're not a nightmare"
"I've not made it easy for you a lot of times and you've always been kind and included me in your family"
"Because you're a part of my family Jenny" Peyton declares fiercely.
"I know things between you and Dad haven't always been straight forward"
Peyton stiffens. "We always work through it don't we? I don't want you worrying about any of that shit that's in the tabloids at the minute okay?" Jenny bites her lip. "You need to just focus on you right now. And when you are ready to come back to music it's going to be different. We're gonna do it differently this time"
"You really think I can still do this?"
"Luke figured out how do this without falling off the wagon. You will too" She murmurs. Jenny nods. Watches her stepmom carefully for a long moment. "What's that look for?" Peyton's brow kinks.
"...I don't want you to think I'm interfering"
"With what?"
Jenny swallows. "There is another reason I can't come live with you and Dad again..." Peyton doesn't say anything. Waits for her to elaborate. "I didn't know what to do I, I thought I'd be able to just not say anything but I...I love you. I know I never say that but lets face it, you've been a better Mum to me than Nicky and I, I can't not say anything. I know he's my Dad but..."
"Babe what're you talking about?"
"I saw him kissing Mia" She blurts abruptly.
Peyton stares dumbly at the anxious girl before her.
"A, a couple of weeks ago...he came by and visited when I was still in rehab. He played me some stuff he'd been working on and then a few minutes after he left I realised he'd forgotten his guitar" She rambles. "I ran out front and he...they were in his car...I didn't know if to tell you or not but you don't deserve that shit. I didn't know if to tell you but-"
"It's alright." Peyton cuts her off, her mouth suddenly capable of forming words once again.
"I'm so sorry"
"No, no" She brings Jenny into her arms because she can't have her peering at her with that sorry expression for a moment more. "Thanks for telling me babe..."
"...What, what're you going to do?"
Peyton blinks. Is in shock. Rage is swelling in her belly. She's painfully aware that it's not jealousy. It's not devastation. Painfully aware that it's more about her being lied to. Painfully aware that it's about her being humiliated rather than distress that he could be fucking someone else. It's rage that she's been made to feel oh so dreadful about Lucas and he's having a god damn affair? "Everything will be ok" She hums into her step daughter's hair. It's probably a misunderstanding. This is Jake they're talking about after all. "I promise everything will be ok"