Chapter 36

After they had come home Catherine gave Steve a massage, but he fell asleep right after she had covered him with the thin sheet for the first time. Catherine had tried to finish anyway, but every time she had put just a little pressure on his sore muscles, he had furrowed his brows and groaned in his sleep. She was glad that he was asleep and didn't want to wake him especially not with hurting him, so she stopped.

She went downstairs and sat with Danny for another hour before she went to bed herself. Just like the night before she snuggled up to him as close as possible.

He needed the bathroom three times that night and got restless a few times, but Catherine's voice and touch always calmed him before anything really bad could happen.

The next day was almost a mirror of the one before. They got up, showered, shaved, took car of Steve's hand and went out for breakfast.

Until the two boys needed to leave for the appointment with Dr. Jensen in the late afternoon Steve alternated between taking naps and eating small amounts, He was "really hungry" every time he woke up, but couldn't eat much nonetheless.

He even closed his eyes and dozed off for about ten minutes on the way to the psychologist.

"Have a seat commander…Did you think about the grounding techniques and about going to a clinic?"

Steve nodded. "Both, but I didn't come up with anything yet. And as far as the clinic goes, I'd like to take you advice and try group therapy first. But, as soon as I've hurt Catherine or Danny or Charlie – or someone else I am going as an in-patient. There is no room for discussion."

"Why do you think this is going to happen?"

"Because I had another…I don't know…nightmare, flashback, both…whatever and I tried to free myself from my "captors". If Catherine hadn't had the training she had, she would have had a broken nose now – or worse."

"What was the dream about – getting kidnapped?"

Steve looked away.

"Commander?"

"It was…was…about the children we…we spoke about on Monday. I…I couldn't let go. E…everything came back to me." His eyes welled up with tears again. He knew they were going to fall any second, but he was determined to avoid a total breakdown.

"And I am thinking about them ever since. I…I try to have good thoughts before going to bed, but I can still see their faces…and…and hear…hear…" The tears were out and streaming down his cheeks in a constant flow once again. "Their sc…screams. It's awful. I…I can't help them. I…I…"

"What happened?"

"I can't tell you."

"Do you want a break?"

"No, but…some water?"

Dr. Jensen put it in front of Steve who took the bottle and then a few sips."

"Thank you."

"How is your sleep at the moment? You had some more nightmares?"

"No. I means yes, they start and I know am getting restless, but I can feel Catherine and hear her talk to me. That helps to prevent the worst. And I think the pills are doing their work. I feel like they help me calm down my racing thoughts…and the last two days I slept a lot during the day too."

"Okay, I assume you feel hungry too, but you can't eat much?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"You've lost some more weight these last two weeks?"

"Yes. The last two days I've eaten between my naps, but I can't compensate what I've lost not to mention gain weight."

"Did you at least eat what I recommended for your vitamin D insufficiency?"

"Catherine and Danny try to put some of it in every meal, but I just can't get enough down. I am sorry, but a bite too much and I feel nauseous and I really don't want to vomit again."

"Understandable. And it would be counterproductive anyway. Another question: You told me you've taken Razalpam. If I've counted back correctly it is almost a month since then. How did it help you?"

"I had my reservations, but it was a good thing. I slept without any nightmares – or dreams at all – and I felt rested when I woke up."

"Okay. I would like to try something."

"Please don't try a new medication. I…"

"Commander McGarrett! First, I wouldn't do that without your approval and second that is not what I had in mind. I just think we need different approach.

As I see it your body is experiencing what your mind had weeks ago. It is kind of overtaxed with everything. You have always been busy with something (training, missions, cases) and now you've settled down. As stupid as this sounds, but your body doesn't know how to handle this. Finally, there is time to take stock and it noticed that a lot of things aren't as they were supposed to be. That is normal when you go from 100% to almost 0%. That means what you need at the moment is a deep and dreamless sleep over a few weeks and a proper nutrition. Both of it will help you to get your stamina back.

So, what I would like to try is to set you on Razalpam for a month – for three nights a week. I want you to take it every night after you had a conversation- doesn't matter if it was a one-on-one or group therapy. Looks like these conversations bring back a lot of bad memories for you and that those memories trigger your nightmares – or worsen them. But it is essential that you continue to open up as well. It is still a tough subject and a good night's sleep afterwards will most likely help you to preserve or even bring back your strength. The other four nights I want you to take Triplicam to relax your mind. This will lead to a better sleep. The first one and a half to two weeks you will still fell tired over the day. If you do so, take a nap nonetheless.

I also want to put you on some compact hyper caloric supplement for two weeks – two bottles a day. They are meant as "snacks" not in exchange for your usual meals. You really need to put some weight on. It's not dangerous yet, but you also can't afford to lose much more.

And I will talk to Danny and Catherine. We will cut back your therapy plan for the next month. There will be just one item on the agenda every day. If you feel good you can do more, but there shouldn't be any pressure. After that month we will re-evaluate and we will definitely stop Razalpam again to avoid addiction. Do you have any questions?"

"No, I don't think so. It sounds good. Not sure if I really can do nothing. Somehow the sport had helped me too."

"That is why I said you can do more if you feel up to it. Just listen to your body – a bit here and then is okay, but you tend to overdo and you need to avoid that at the moment."

"Okay, let's try it then."

"Good. I will write out your prescription. Then you can already start with Razalpam today. After that I would like to take another blood sample to have a look at your blood levels. Then you get another vitamin shot and we are done for today."

Danny took a detour to the drugstore in order to get the two preparations before they drove home. Although it wasn't exactly a tough session, Steve was awfully quiet on the way. Danny didn't know what his friend and Dr. Jensen had talked about, but after the experiences of the last few weeks he knew better than to push.

Catherine had finished the dinner Danny had prepared the day before yesterday and they all sat down to eat.

"It looks and tastes really good guys, but I can't eat more. I am sorry," Steve said after he had managed just a small portion.

"It's fine. Don't worry. Maybe you should try to eat more often with smaller amounts," Catherine said.

"I will do that."

He told both his friends what Dr. Jensen had said.

"He is going to call tomorrow around 11 am. Hope one of you is here."

"I am," they both said.

"Very good."

They sat outside for another hour before Steve decided to go to bed.

"Don't forget your meds," Danny said.

"I won't. Cath?" She looked at him. "Would…would you mind…?"

"Of course not. Just let me finish this page."

"Just…just until it works…until I sleep. You…you don't have to stay the whole time."

"I said okay. No problem. Now go before I'll be there before you."
When Catherine entered their bedroom Steve was already in his bed. She went in too, both facing each other. When the drug started to take effect, Steve started to work against it, trying to keep his eyes open. He didn't want to, it just happened automatically.

"Don't do this Steve. You know it works. You will sleep well and you will wake rested. Everything is fine."

He listened to Catherine's voice, closed his eyes and was out ten seconds later. She waited for another two minutes until his whole body finally relaxed and he was in a deep sleep.

She went back to the lanai and sat on her chair again.

"Can we just leave him there like that?"

"Yes, we can. He won't wake up until at least eight hours – most likely even more. You've heard him. He just needed someone by his side to make sure he is safe."