Chapter 37

The plan Dr. Jensen had worked out was successful.

During the first week with Razalpam Steve slept for 10-12 hours a day. He took a few naps over the day as well, but they got shorter and shorter until he didn't need them anymore in the last week of the four-week-plan.

Since he felt more and more rested through the long sleeping phases Triplicam helped him to relax even more and to reduce the nightmares. They hadn't stopped completely yet, but were considerably less severe and frequent than before.

He was also able to eat more after two weeks and back to normal portions – or more – at the end of the month. He had gained some weight – although not as much as he had last year – but he was positive to achieve that in a few weeks and his blood levels were almost normal again.

He had started with some training in the third week and was sure that he could rebuild some of his muscles and strength.

In the second week he was able to join group therapy. Dr. Jensen had found a place for him. They were ten people in total and among others there were also two more SEALS and two army rangers. Steve was nervous and didn't say a word in his first meeting – except to introduce himself – but felt welcome immediately and much more comfortable after he had listened to the others. In his second meeting he had talked about himself and what had brought him there. The third time he took part in discussions and was even able to cheer up one or the other of his new comrades-in-arms.

He never would have exchanged those session with the ones with Catherine or Danny, but they helped him to finally realize – to not only know, but see – that there are a lot more "tough" people with PTSD. They helped to reduce his guilt, because what had happened to him a few times had happened to the others as well and in their cases, he didn't see it as their faults.

That had made him think about his own feeling about certain events.

He still felt guilty for some of the things that had happened over the years, but he got rid of a few too and knew he had to learn to cope and live with the others.

All in all, he felt pretty good in comparison to the last year and to the time when his journey to healing had started just over two months ago.

He also knew that he was far from healed and that there would be set-backs and exactly that was what he was discussing with Dr. Jensen.

"We are almost through with your plan. What are we going to do now?"

"We continue with the talk sessions and go back to your original therapy-plan. You are almost back in it anyway. The only thing we are going to change is that we'll discard Razalpam and you will take Triplicam again after the talk-sessions…I can sense some kind of disapproval?"

"Not exactly. I just have some reservations about going off Razalpam. I know we had agreed about that earlier and I know I can't take them any longer without the risk of addiction, but what if I can't sleep without them? If the nightmares are going to return?"

"This is possible, but you are much stronger now than a few weeks back – physically and mentally. And you've learned a lot these past four weeks. You've heard a lot from others and were able to acquire one or the other of their coping mechanisms. You've trained them, made them into a habit."

"Yeah, but the talking-sessions are still tough for me. Doesn't matter if I have them with you, Danny, Catherine or the group. I mean it is true that I feel better than a few weeks back, but those sessions they…they are still dragging me down. Every time."

"How?"

"I feel sad, depressed, stressed, agitated, churned up, tired, exhausted…not as bad as I used to and not all of this at the same time, but there is always a combination of it."

"What are you doing then?"

""I try to relax myself. Doing Jacobsen, thinking of better time or situations."

"And that works?"

"Mostly. If not – and sometimes even if it had worked – I talk to Danny or Catherine how I feel, what is going on in my head. If they are not around, I turn to Eddie or make myself busy to get back to positive thoughts."

"That is exactly what you are supposed to do and the way you are saying it sounds like it helps."

"It does, but it's just that…I just got some control back over my life and I don't want to lose that again…Danny is going back to work in not even a month and this is going to be a big change as well. I am not sure if I am ready for this."

"It's still almost a month commander. Let's take one step after the other. We'll see how you are going to do without Razalpam. Personally, I'd say you'll do much better than you think. If not, we'll find a way to not let you fall again, okay?"

"It makes sense and I know it is still a month, but it scares me to death already."

"Why?"

"Because I have to put everything on Catherine but…mostly because…because he could get hurt again."

"And you can't protect him…?"

"Yes… and no. We have a very capable team and they will protect him, but…but that…isn't a guarantee. It can always happen – even if you are careful and attentive. And I am sure I can't take that. Not yet and not ever again."

"Okay. Relax, concentrate on your muscles, breathe."

"I don't..."

"Just do it."

Steve did for ten minutes.

"Okay, enough for now. Feeling better?"

"Yeah, but just the thought…I don't even want that. It just turns up."

"I know. It is normal. But it is the same as with your other thoughts. Think of positive scenes. Relax, breathe. You are doing good.

Accidents can happen every day - if you are law enforcement, in the military or just driving home. Keeping the thoughts away is the real work. And you are on a good way. It is just harder for you when it comes to Danny. I know that, but you will manage that as well. I know it. You just need more time for that. And you need to give you that time."

Steve nodded. He wasn't convinced, but he tried to believe his psychologist.

"You are not convinced. I can see that. May I suggest something?"

"Of course."

"You continue to train your grounding and coping mechanisms and I am looking for an "emergency pill" that is compatible with Triplicam. If and I emphasize if something happens that is about to take control over your mind and you have the feeling you can't cope or you can't come out of it you can take it. It will calm you it will bring you back to reality and it will help.

But you can't drive anymore after it. If you had to take it when you were out alone, call Danny or Catherine or make an emergency call. Your reactions will be too slow after this to be part of traffic – any kind of traffic.

Would that be helpful – to know that there is a way through without getting caught in a flashback, nightmare or dark thoughts?"

"I guess."

"Okay, then let's try this. I'll have a look and will give you the prescription after our next session. If anything comes up before that feel free to call me. There is always an emergency spot available.

Let's get you your last vitamin shot and then we are done for today if you don't have any more questions."