Chapter 38

The first week without Razalpam was an adjustment.

The nights he took Triplicam (after the talk sessions) he slept restless nonetheless and was awake every two to three hours. Sometimes it got better when Catherine embraced him, but other times even that was of no avail. He didn't feel rested when he got up and needed at least two naps during the day.

The days he took nothing he couldn't fall asleep although he was dog-tired. When he finally did, it was way after midnight – almost dawn again. That resulted in sleeping till almost noon. He felt more rested than the other three days and didn't need extra naps, but his body started to hurt again. He was moody almost every day, got agitated at the slightest thing and yelled at Catherine and Danny a few times just to apologize a minute later.

Out of concern for their friend Danny called Dr. Jensen who assured him that this was quite normal after the "long-term-use" of Razalpam and that it would get better the following week.

Which it did. He was still restless during the "talk-nights", but with Catherine's help the episodes didn't last long and on the other nights he was able to fall asleep again very soon after he had gone to bed.

The third week started out the same way, but the night from Wednesday to Thursday showed that it was far from over. After a particularly tough session with Dr. Jensen, Steve was unable to calm himself. He did Jacobsen on the way home, told his two friends about the feelings that had come up during the session, he did Jacobsen again – supported by Catherine – and she gave him a massage.

He enjoyed it very much, because the month of good sleep had helped to loosen his cramped muscles as well, but none of this grounding techniques had done anything to ease his mind. He took his meds and fell asleep shortly after, but he was restless from the start and although Catherine had expected a "rough night" she wasn't prepared for Steve to suddenly scream and bolt upright. She had had her arm lose around him, just to have contact not to hold him down in any way. That way it was easy for him to "break free".

"No, please, don't", he begged. "Nooo!"

"Steve!" Catherine said. When he looked at her she touched him. He was breathing heavily - almost panting - and breaking out in sweat.

"Steve, hey. It was a dream. You are still safe. Nothing has changed. You are home."

He shook his head as tears welled up in his eyes and he started to cry.

"No, they killed Danny."

Danny had chosen that moment to enter his friends' bedroom. Steve's scream had woken him up and after a short moment of disorientation he knew exactly what it had been and where it had come from.

He couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"Steve, I am here. She didn't kill me and she can't do that anymore. Thanks to you she is behind bars – forever.

"It wasn't Daiju Mei…it…it were the guys that double crossed us. That…that ambush. They took you and…and killed you…and…and…made me watch."

The tears were still running down his cheek, but he made his way out of bed. He staggered through the room and both his friends thought he wanted to use the bathroom, but he went towards the stairs.

"Hey, where are you going?" Danny asked.

"I need water."

"I'll get it for you."

"I'll need some fresh air too."

Catherine got out of bed as well, but Danny said "Go back to sleep. I'll handle him."

"I don't think I can."

When they arrived in the kitchen, Steve was already outside. Danny took a bottle of water for himself, nodded at Catherine and followed his friend.

He found him in one of the chairs, eyes closed and an open bottle of water in his hands.

Danny could see that he had already used it.

"Hey," Danny said.

"Hey," Steve answered.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah, some."

"You ready to talk yet?"

"You know why. I told you both when we got home."

"Yeah. You told us about the ambush. But…Steven…I wasn't there. It was a SEAL op."

"And?"

"Why me?"

Steve bowed his head and closed his eyes. When Danny was about to address him again, his friend raised his head, took another sip of water and said "Because I am scared Danno. Scared that you will get hurt again when you return to work..."

"Steve…"

"I won't know where you are – out in the field or safe in your office. And the past had shown that we aren't even safe there. I am sorry. I know it is stupid, but I can't help myself."

"I don't go back."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I mean, I will go back, but not yet. I didn't want to tell you before I had that appointment with the governor on Monday. I am planning on taking another three months off. If she doesn't approve, I am out. But I don't see why she should turn that down since I am going to take the time unpaid."

"Why would you do that? You have all kinds of payment to do – and I am not talking about here – I can cover that, but…"

"Steve! It's okay. I made this decision about two weeks ago. And it has nothing to do with you – okay mostly not. I need this time Steve. Now that Charlie is here more often and Grace is coming in two months, I just want to spend time with them. And it is kind of nice here, you know? I enjoy my new home. I like living with you and Catherine and Eddie. It's nice to be in a house where I am not alone. And don't worry about money. You remember that my uncle Lawrence died last year? I haven't touched that money yet. It's more than enough for three months."

"I know. I just thought you wanted to take that for your retirement."

"Yes, that was the plan. But I think it is more important to spend time with my kids. So, I am gonna use some of it now."

"I am glad you made that decision, Danny. But the time will come and until then I need to find out how to deal with that."

"We'll figure something out, okay buddy? Come one let's go back to bed."

"No. I am going to stay outside. It was a relief to hear your plans, but I need the fresh air tonight."

Steve walked over to one of the sunbeds and made himself comfortable while Danny went inside to find Catherine on the couch, TV on but asleep. Danny went into his bedroom and returned half a minute later with two blankets. When he came out of his door Catherine was awake again, sitting on the couch and asked "Is he okay?"

"Yes, he is – for now. Idiot wants to sleep outside so I am going to join him. Go to bed and enjoy the rest of the night."

"Thank you, Danny." She stood up and kissed his cheek.

"You are really a great friend."

Danny spread one blanket over his friend, took the other and made himself comfortable on the second sunbed.

"What are you doing here? You hate sleeping outside."

"Yeah, I do. But I love you and you can't stop me from spending time with my BFF."

"Love you too. Good night Danno. Thank you."