Chapter 40

Three months had passed since Danny's return to work. Thankfully nothing had happened to him – not even the slightest scratch.

Steve was still worried though and felt the anxiety creeping up on him once in a while, but thanks to his grounding techniques he was able to avoid a panic attack or a flashback until now.

The nightmares were – as far as possible – under control as well. They were still existent, but nothing major had happened the last few months.

Steve was using his grounding techniques wherever and whenever he thought he needed them. They helped him every time, but that didn't mean that he wasn't emotionally troubled during and after the talk-sessions. It just didn't drain him anymore the way it had done in the beginning.

Two weeks ago, he had – after talking it through with Catherine and Danny – invited the team for a little barbecue. He had told them about PTSD, why he wasn't able to see them and that he was about to change that again. Everyone was very understanding and happy that he was doing better. They all enjoyed the evening very much - despite the fact that Steve had also told them that he still wasn't sure if or when he would return to 5-0.

He wasn't healed yet – by far not – but he had made some major steps in the right direction and Dr. Jensen was about to talk to him about some changes.

"How are you doing Steve?"

"Quiet good doc. Hope it stays that way even after we have finished."

"I am confident about that. If you don't mind, I would like to keep it light today and talk about something else."

"Okay."

"In one of our first meetings I've told you that we have to re-evaluate from time to time and I think it is time for that. It's been nine months now and we hadn't changed much, except the medication and adding the group therapy. You have made great progress and that is why I'd like to cut back your therapy plan."

"Why?"

"Because like I just said. You've made great progress and the goal was to get your life back together and to live without medication. It's too early for going of Triplicam completely, but I would like to wean you off - step by step."

"I am not sure if this is good."

"Let me explain first. In the end it is your decision anyway."

"Okay."

"In the next four weeks I'd like you to cross one talk-session of the list. One talk less means one pill less. The four weeks following the first four you cross two sessions of your list, the next four weeks three. That means after four months we have you down to two pills a week. We'll see how you are going to do with that. If you need some time to adjust, we'll leave it that way. If not, we are going to start another "four-weeks-cycle" - which is actually a four-months-cycle - to bring you down to one pill."

"Still not sure. I don't even know which talk-session I can cross of the list. They are all important and every session has its own meaning. You bring things up and show me that some are so similar that I can use the same coping mechanism for them. The group still gives me stability and the advice and support I get there…I don't want to miss that. And Danny and Catherine? They need to know what is going on. No offence, but they are still my A-Team. I need them."

"None taken. And like always you don't have to decide today. Sleep on it, talk it through with Catherine and Danny, okay?…Steve?..Commander?"

"Yeah, I am here. It is just that you…caught me off guard. I hadn't expected something like that."

"No problem. Like I said think about it. If there are any questions…"

"Actually, there are."

"Shoot."

"What if I need the pill? Because…I am nervous, restless, feeling an "attack" coming?"

"I am not saying you must not take it. Just use your grounding techniques first. If they don't work and you really think that you are going to have a panic attack, flashback or won't be able to sleep properly you can, of course, take the medication.

And you still have that "emergency pill" I've given you a few months ago, right?"

"Yes."

"Good. That means if everything fails you won't be doomed to live through the nightmare or flashback. And remember I will always have a few emergency spots open. I won't leave you alone. I just wanted to "reward" you for your own good work. If it doesn't work out just yet, we'll try again later."

Steve nodded.

"Okay. I'll think about it."

"Good. Next. I assume you still haven't decided if you want to go back to 5-0."

"That is right."

"But you are still thinking about it? Or have you already decided against it?"

"No, I haven't decided anything yet. I really don't know. I still even don't know if I can do that kind of work again."

"Okay. That's fine. No pressure. I'll put you on another four months of sick leave and I'll have no problem with doing it again. There are not many people who have that kind of payment assurance and I don't see why we shouldn't use that to its full capacity."