This was not happening.

Sure, he'd always known in the back of his mind that this would one day happen to his children. They were, after all, human and if he was honest with himself, his children. But he was not prepared when Leia greeted him with "Luke's got a girlfriend!" when he got home.

He stopped stone cold, staring at her, not sure he'd heard her right. She had her arms crossed, a smug smile across her face, even as Luke rushed from his room shouting, "I do not!"

"You sure do!" she sang, then ducked when he attempted to tackle her, sending him barreling into the wall.

The entire time, he just stared, trying and failing to comprehend the full on bickering that had broken out between his barely turned fourteen year olds.

"She just said I was cute, that doesn't mean anything!" Even with the red lenses, he could tell his son was flushing. The son who could barely keep his room clean. The son who just last week asked him for money to buy some childish holo game. The son that was in no way mature enough to even think about anyone romantically.

It was that thought that had him intervening before a full fight could break out. "Sit. Down."

He was never violent with his precious twins, but there were still definitely benefits to having a vococorder that made everything he said sound at best, mildly furious. It was even better when he actually was, and panicking on top of that.

Luke winced, hurrying to comply, while Leia smirked and casually followed him to the leather sofa in the sitting room. They sat on total opposite ends of the couch, and Luke glowered at his sister.

Childish. Immature. More proof that the boy wasn't ready for such a commitment.

And the heartbreak that would likely follow.

He began pacing. He'd already had a long day. Too many idiotic officers had needed to be silenced, and the Rebellion factions were beginning to work together. He had hoped to spend a quiet evening with his children, but no. One of them just had to be entertaining romantic notions.

But one thing he learned in fourteen years of parenting: if he pounced immediately, he wouldn't get all of the answers he wanted.

"Who is she?" He'd need to find out everything he could on her and her family. They could be Rebel spies, or simply trying to gain favor and status by foolishly encouraging their offspring to seduce his son.

Or maybe she legitimately liked the boy. He had to admit, Luke was rather charming, on top of his natural good looks. Leia was too, but she had inherited more of his attitude.

"She's no one." Luke grumbled, still glaring at his sister.

"She's his girlfriend." Leia insisted.

"Who is she?" This time, he directed the question at Leia.

"Don't answer-" Luke began, but Leia quickly interrupted.

"Her name is Liliana Petri. She's in our chemistry class."

He stopped, making a face. His children couldn't see it of course, but they sensed his disgust, and Luke shrank into the couch cushions. Vader got the distinct impression he was wishing to be swallowed whole.

"I don't know that name." He mused. It was a problem if they were in chemistry class together. There were so many pick up lines that she could use on his son.

Did we have class together? I could have sworn we had chemistry.

Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.

Are you an exothermic reaction? Because you spread hotness everywhere.

And those were just the top lines he could think of. Considering Luke's innocence and charming personality, he'd probably encourage her to keep going.

"How long have you been dating?" The words burned his tongue and he wished nothing more than to hide both his children away so that no one could even think about dating them, but he had no doubt they'd escape anyway. Sometimes strict parenting methods backfired, and this was not something he wanted to screw up.

He had to protect his children.

"We aren't dating!" Luke insisted, horrified. "She literally only said I was cute!"

"And what led up to this encounter?" Maybe he needed to send a guard with them to school. HE could think of a few highly trained assassins who could easily keep away unwanted attention from would-be seducers.

Luke scrambled to think. "I don't know, she's just a girl dad-"

"Luke was staring at her all throughout class and she thought he was checking her out. Which he was." Leia supplied helpfully.

He could always count on Leia to tell him what he needed to know. He'd have to double her allowance this month.

"I didn't mean to! She just happened to be in my line of sight, I was thinking about something else, I swear!" Luke's voice squeaked, yet again reminding Vader that his son was in the middle of puberty and not at all ready for this.

"Riiiight. What were you thinking about, then?" Leia wiggled her brows at him.

Again, Vader was certain Luke was flushing, and this time he got the distinct impression he was trying very hard to keep something from both of them. "Just...the Aurebesh assignment."

If Vader didn't have a bond with his son, he might have bought the answer. Luke's worst subject was Aurebesh and he often spent late nights stressing over work he'd put off until the last minute.

But he did have a bond, and that bond told him he was lying.

He approached his son, using his sheer size and presence to hover over him. Again, he'd never dare harm one of his precious children, but that didn't mean he didn't use some intimidation tactics. This particular strategy usually worked on Luke, but never Leia.

"What were you thinking about so intently that you made a girl think you were…" he couldn't think of the appropriate word. "Checking her out." He decided Leia's phrasing would have to do, as silly as it sounded.

As he predicted, Luke sank further into the cushions. "Um." he bit his lip.

Beside him, Leia gasped. "It's someone else, isn't it?!"

Luke's face turned an even darker shade of red. "No-"

"Who is it?! Do I know them? Does dad know them?! Oh, what about the Emperor, does he know-"

"Leia, shut up!" Luke definitely wanted to disappear.

And as much as he wanted to know the answer...he'd also learned that his children were not prisoners to be interrogated, and forcing answers from them also led to them making far worse decisions.

"Let me make myself clear." He interrupted before the bickering could continue. "Neither of you will be dating." Ever, he added mentally, but that usually didn't go over well either. When his children rebelled against his wishes, they did so with all the drama that came naturally to a Skywalker. He was not anxious to see what they'd do to rebel against a no dating ever rule.

But naturally, Leia picked up on it. "When are we allowed to date?"

Never. Again. That answer would not go over well, and again, he hadn't even been prepared for this situation.

"Twenty." He randomly picked a number.

"We'll be ancient by then!" Leia whined. Though she'd been the one to throw Luke under the speeder, she seemed far more upset by that announcement than Luke was. He could practically feel his son's relief through their bond.

"Twenty is hardly ancient."

"Everyone will be married with kids by then!"

"I assure you, most will not be." In fact, it was still far too young in his opinion. Nevermind that he'd married their mother at nineteen.

He definitely wouldn't mention that.

"Sixteen." Leia countered, ever the negotiator like her mother. But this was not something he wished to negotiate.

"Twenty." Now he was hovering over her.

As usual, this tactic didn't work. Not on Leia. She stared up at him, her eyes narrowing, jaw tightening. "Seventeen."

"Twenty."

"Eighteen, and we'll bring them home for your approval."

He scoffed. He had no doubt they'd both do what they wanted anyway. He certainly had. He'd disregarded the entire Jedi Order by marrying their mother in secret.

And look how that turned out.

Still. The fact that she was even offering was better than nothing. With any luck, both of them would be too busy by then to even remember this conversation, let alone worry about dating.

"Fine." He stepped back, and ignored the triumphant hmph noise Leia made. He pointed at Luke, who tensed right back up. "You will tell this Liliana Petri that you are not interested, and to stop with her foolish notions."

Again, Luke stared at him in horror. "Or I could just pretend it never happened!"

"No. You need to be straight forward. You do not want to lead her on."

"That's so embarrassing-"

"Not as embarrassing as me showing up to her home to tell her personally." He was far too busy for that, but the look on Luke's face was enough to know the point had been made. "You will tell her. I will know if you didn't."

Luke stood, and now he was glaring at him. "Fine! Force, you're so annoying!"

He ignored the childish outburst. "You will thank me later."

Luke made a rather undignified growl and stormed out. Vader considered following after him...but no. He had no doubt Luke understood what he was to do perfectly.

"Do not get into any further arguments with your brother." Vader pointed at Leia now, who was still smirking smugly on the couch. "I have no desire to deal with any further foolish arguments."

Leia shrugged and stood. "I'll see what I can do."

"Leia…" He warned.

"Fine. I'll leave Luke alone to brood the rest of the night."

He shook his head, watching as she too left the room. He stood there long after she'd disappeared from sight, probing both of their presences to ensure they were, in fact, leaving one another alone.

For once, they listened.

He let out a breath, trying to push down the annoyance. Teenagers.

He'd never admit that at once upon a time, he'd been in their very shoes. And though he hated the thought, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever driven Obi-Wan up a wall with teenage hormones.

No, he thought fervently, heading into his own quarters. Definitely not.

Requested by Neshampoo!