Chapter Nine - Canon-ical Misfire
"Everyone, come quick! It's an emergency!"
"What is it, Eve?" Luffy asked, his cheeks stuffed like a greedy squirrel as the crew began to gather around, drawn by my shrieking.
"Nami is sick!" I gasped, pointing towards the girl in question.
"Err, no I'm not," Nami frowned, a perfect picture of health.
"You don't realise it, but you've been bitten by a bug and if we don't get you to a doctor in five days you'll die!" I shrieked.
Cue ex-machina of a gravestone with 'R.I.P Nami' on its front as I laid a bouquet of flowers before it, wiping away a tear from my eye.
"Don't do that, it's creepy!" Nami yelled, whacking me over the head so that I hit the ground. "Look, I feel fine. If you're that worried I can go see a doctor when we reach Alabasta."
"Oh no!" I shrieked, squirting a spray bottle into her face before sticking a thermometer in a cup of steaming tea and shoving it in and out of her mouth. "She's delirious, feverish and her temperature is 80 degrees!"
"Is that bad?" Luffy blinked.
"Super bad! Her brain could begin leaking out of her ears, then her body will turn inside out and then…" I mimicked each action with enthusiasm before turning to the crew with a dead-pan expression, "dead."
"Wow, being sick sounds really cool!" Luffy beamed, making everyone sweat-drop. "Except for the dead part..."
"That's ridiculous, surely you guys know that isn't what happens when you get sick?" Vivi argued.
"Dunno, can't say I've ever been sick myself," Sanji and Usopp said in unison, heads tilted to the side.
"ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN HUMAN?" Vivi yelled, jaw wide before sighing and running a palm down her face. "I realise it's not my place, Mr Luffy, but I must insist that we get to Alabasta as quickly as possible."
"Shush, big meanie," I hushed Vivi, pressing a finger to her lips. "Your kingdom can wait."
"No, no it can't," Nami sighed, eyes stern. "Vivi, I probably should have told you before, but the situation in Alabasta isn't good. There's a paper on my desk…"
I let out a frustrated 'uggghhhh', face-palming before following the crew into the woman's cabin, watching carefully as Vivi revealed the Royal Guard had joined the Rebels to give them the advantage. A most sad sob story, I'm sure, but dammit, this is what happened when I was soft-hearted! I should just stick to what I'm good at - being a bitch and summoning Satan.
"Sounds serious," Luffy declared, folding his arms.
"Buuuuut, I can take you to a cute little badass with multiple battle transformations," I chirped, grabbing a drawing pad with my amazingly impressive interpretations of Chopper's forms.
Usopp blinked at what appeared to be multiple blobs with… antlers (?) over Luffy's shoulder, wondering why it looked like one of the blobs, the largest, was trying to stomp on the other ones.
"Cool!" Luffy beamed, eyes gleaming.
"We don't have time for this," Nami stated, making me clench my jaw. "Alabasta needs us now, Eve."
"Shoulda just let the bug chomp ya," I huffed, turning away to head back up on deck.
"Looks like we're heading in the right direction!" I chirped, patting Nami on the head to prompt a vicious snarl to be directed towards me as I watched the snow fall from the sky.
"Like we had a choice!" Nami yelled, her form strapped to the mast of the Going Merry by rope.
She was quite mouthy for a navigation system. No sat-nav I'd ever owned gave me this much lip. Anyway… I may have started a teeny-tiny mutiny. But the happiness of Tony Tony Chopper was at risk, dammit! That adorable bundle of pure innocence was joining us and that was final! And so, with a heavy heart, a black cape, Mr 9's crown and an oh-so-evil moustache that I could twiddle between my fingers, I had carried out my master plan to take control of the ship. And let me tell you I made a great villain.
"Chuh… Sanji was too easy to manipulate with my womanly charms and just when that flirty cook thought I was about to carry out his wildest dreams, he got the surprise of his life when I head butted him in the face. He's currently placed in front of a rather suggestive picture of Nami and Vivi-"
"WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT?"
"-that makes him pass out from blood loss every time he regains consciousness. Luffy? Luffy's weakness lies in his innocence. With food as the bait, I lured him into a kiddy pool of seawater. I regret it, of course. Cried every damn-second that I spent trying to hypnotise him. I'm no expert, but Luffy is terribly susceptible to even crude attempts at the art. And senpai-"
Below deck, a green-haired swordsman hopelessly wandered a cardboard maze, his hand twitching as he itched to reach for his sword and slice the thing to ribbons. However, that shitty cook had challenged him to this contest of navigation, and there was no way in hell he was about to lose out to that limp noodle!
"-I'm not looking forward to him finding out what I have done."
"THEN DON'T MUTINY IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
"Shush, Nami. It is rather rude to interrupt when a villain is monologuing," I ordered from my throne with a dismissive hand gesture towards her.
"Err, E-Eve?" Usopp stammered, body shaking as he pointed out into the distance. "T-there's someone standing on the water."
"Thank you, my favourite minion," I nodded, rising from my throne to snap my fingers, making a blank-faced Luffy zip to my side. "Prepare to be boarded."
"WHAT? S-shouldn't we untie someone… Sanji maybe…" Usopp said like a whisper in the wind, making me lift an eyebrow so that he slammed his palms to the ground and bowed before me. "Ah, please don't kill me!"
"Grow a backbone and free me, idiot!" Nami growled from the mast as she struggled against her ropes.
I joined Usopp at the mast, my royal cape sweeping across the deck as I passed Vivi and Karoo tied together, both muffling what I suspected to be highly flattering compliments. Well, I wasn't going to break, damn it - no matter how much I resembled a Queen of the Underworld! I leant on the railing to look out into the view with a faint blush upon my cheeks.
"Quite cold today, isn't it?" the rather odd-looking jester commented as he stood atop the water.
"Yes, good weather. Suitable for a mutiny," I nodded my approval, blinking as the ship burst out from the water's depths.
Usopp screeched, his body tumbling across the deck as the boat rocked violently. I held on for dear life, managing to reach out and catch Luffy, who in turn outstretched his rubber hand to save… his straw hat. My poor, favourite minion - trumped by a hat.
"Mmm, watermelon," Luffy said in his trance-like state as his slack mouth began to leak saliva.
"What the hell is going on?" Zoro exclaimed, bursting out from the lower deck covered in sliced cardboard.
"Senpai! These guys ambushed us and totally tied everyone up!" I yelled, sweating profusely with a single finger extended towards them.
"But these guys were tied up before we got here," the enemy crew chorused with a collective sweat-drop.
When my attempts to summon the depths of hell failed (Satan was being a little bitch about my current status as his Queen), I launched a throwing knife towards their Captain's face. The man chomped it mid-air, the end of the blade falling into the palm of his hand as he violently chewed the metal. My vision blurred with red as I attempted to throw myself at the man, my feet treadmilling on the ground as Zoro held me back by my cape.
"Let me at him, senpai! I'll teach him knives aren't for chomping!" I raged, curling my hands as they itched to strangle the low-life.
"Thank you for the snack," he smiled gleefully, placing the rest of the knife into his mouth with a satisfied smack of his lips. "We're heading for Drum Kingdom. Do you happen to have an eternal or log pose with you?"
"Only this one to Alabasta," I admitted, bringing out the eternal pose from my back pocket.
"Why do you have that?" Zoro questioned, arms folded as guns were pointed into the back of our heads.
"BECAUSE SHE STAGED A MUTINY, TOOK DOWN THE CREW, AND STOLE IT FROM US!" Nami raged from the mast, teeth sharp.
"And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" I declared, face dropping from my grin to let out a 'meep' at my senpai's shadowed eyes. "AHH, LUFFY, I FREE YOU FROM YOUR BONDS! HELP! ZORO IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"
"Huh?" Luffy blinked, watching as I jumped and dodged Zoro's swords, barely escaping with my life, as he scratched his head. "Hey Zoro, what's going on? Who are these guys?"
That was the opportune moment in which Captain Muncher decided to CHOMP. OUR. SHIP. Well no one messes with Merry, you bastards! Let me tell you, shit was about to go down! Luffy raged, teeth bared as he charged on the man with a raised fist. Shots were fired as me, senpai and Luffy beat down on their asses. Usopp pegged it and Nami cried, Sanji dancing like a mindless puppet to shield her body, having defied all odds and freed himself all whilst unconscious. Meanwhile, as Captain Mucher tried to chew Luffy like an overcooked squid, I jumped, latching onto his back like a spider monkey to give him a feral grin.
"Man who's about to get his ass kicked says 'AHH'," I chirped, making the man blink at me before he was sent flying across like sky by Luffy, both of us disappearing into a glint in the distance.
"AHHHHHHHHHHhhh."
"Don't worry, Eve! We're coming!" Luffy bellowed towards the snow covered mountains from upon Merry's mast.
"How many times do I have to explain it to you!" Nami yelled towards their Captain, teeth sharpened. "Eve hasn't been kidnapped! She mutinied against the entire crew, tied us up and hypnotised you into obedience before taking off with Vivi's only hope of reaching Alabasta!"
"Didn't the evil guy with the mustache do that?"
"THAT WAS EVE!"
"Hate to admit it to you, Captain, but it's true. She even got me to challenge Zoro to a-" Sanji cut off at the scrape of metal from behind, turning around to lift his curly eyebrow at the deathly aura behind him. "Wanna go, marimo?"
"Not another word, shitty cook," Zoro challenged, pressing his forehead against Sanji's with his teeth clenched. "At least I wasn't seduced to submission."
Zoro's eyes narrowed as the cook tittered like a girl, suddenly finding himself subject to a violent geyser at the reminder of a certain rouchy image. Zoro hit the floor, blinking as a red liquid dripped from his face. Meanwhile, Sanji was flying through the air, a torrent of blood streaming from his nose before he landed with a thump, face pale and dazed as the rest of his body twitched.
"Ahh, are you alright, Mr Cook?" Vivi cried, chasing after Sanji to find him cold and clammy as she pressed a hand to his neck. "Mr. Luffy! I'm concerned over how much blood Sanji has lost today! His pulse seems incredibly slow!"
"That's because he's an idiot!" Nami growled.
"Shuddit, shitty geezer," Sanji mumbled, draped over Vivi's shoulder.
Nami blinked.
"Maybe there is something wrong with him..."
"We should take him to the doctor at Drum Kingdom. We'll probably find Eve there too," Usopp suggested, rubbing his chin.
"But how will we know which doctor to go to? There are bound to be many of them on an island of that size, all in different locations," Vivi sighed.
"But I bet only one of them looks like one of these," Usopp smiled confidently, unveiling the 'family portrait' Eve had drawn when they were designing their Jolly Roger. "No crew is complete without a doctor, and I think ours is on that island!"
"Not the musician?" Luffy asked with a tilt of his head.
"THEN WHY COULDN'T SHE JUST TELL US THAT!"
"She did, in her... own unique way," Usopp shrugged, whipping his hands up to protect his head as Nami balled a fist before bursting out, "remember! She kept saying you were sick and we needed a doctor."
"But I'm not sick!"
"Maybe you were supposed to be…" Zoro murmured, gaze fixed on the group.
"Why the hell would she care enough to stop me getting sick? She lets us walk into life-and-death situations every day! Do you know how many times I've almost died whilst she stood there and laughed about it!" Nami fumed, steam pouring from her ears.
"Isn't it great?" Luffy beamed, making the sound of a whistling kettle in the air grow louder.
"NO!"
"Huh, well I think so," Luffy explained, blank-faced. "Must be hard watching us make decisions, knowing what's going to happen. But she puts aside her feelings to let us get stronger."
The whole crew fell into silence as they exchanged looks, Zoro looking down at the floor with his fist clenched white-knuckled on his chest.
"Plus she knows how to have a good time during a fight. You guys need to lighten up!" Luffy grinned, his attention directed towards Nami and Usopp.
"ONLY MONSTERS LIKE YOU WOULD SAY THAT!" they spluttered in unison, jaws wide and teeth sharp.
Nami sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose, her thoughts turning to Eve's words back in the woman's cabin. Had she really come close to dying by a bug bite? Perhaps Eve's insistence to be carried by her had meant more than Nami had thought (mainly an eternal desire to annoy the hell out of her). So maybe Nami didn't want Eve to walk the plank anymore, but that didn't mean she was off the hook. Not after letting Sanji see THAT DAMN PICTURE - for everyone knew every picture was worth beli, and she felt out of pocket.
"Alright Usopp, which one of these," Nami frowned at Eve's crude drawings, "blobs are we looking for?"
"The one with antlers. There's one on the portrait, and it was on the drawing Eve showed Luffy," Usopp smiled, confident in his deductions.
"What doctor has antlers?" Vivi frowned.
"I doubt this one does, I look like a hedgehog on that thing," Zoro scoffed, arms folded.
"Maybe we should wait until we get to Drum," Nami sighed, eyes on the Island that was slowly getting closer.
Usopp's confidence disappeared with a poof, a river of tears stemming from his eyes as he crouched in Eve's corner of shame.
I cracked open a single eyelid, looking beyond my snuggly bed sheets to observe Tony Tony Chopper as he tottered around the room, carrying out his medical duties. Realising my opportunity, I lurched forward, wrapping my arms around the reindeer and dragging him into the bed as my eyes sparkled.
"Soooo soft! You're so adorable - do you want to be my best friend ever?" I squealed, snuggling into his oh-so-huggable form as the reindeer shrieked before opting to 'hide' behind his own two hoofs.
"F-friend!" Chopper spluttered. "I wouldn't be friends with a human!"
"Ah! Disembodied voice!" I screeched, tongue snaking from my mouth as I dropped Chopper back onto the bed before bringing up the bedsheets just below my eyes. "Must be a ghost!"
Chopper cowered 'behind' the doorway, meaning his whole body stuck out as he concealed barely an inch of his face. His whole body shivered whilst my cheeks puffed out, expertly concealing my laugher.
Chopper observed the girl that was blowing raspberries into the air, relieved at the sight of her flushed cheeks, as opposed to the pale blue pallor she had adopted when he had first found her.
"By the way, are you feeling better?"
"Oh, I see! So you're a nice ghost!" I chirped, letting out a visible breath of relief. "Yes, I'm feeling much better! Thank you very much, kind apparition!"
"Don't think you can win me over with your praise, human!" Chopper beamed, his rosy cheeks squished against his hooves as he basked in a pale pink hue and wiggled his rump.
"I see that you're awake, little girl," the Witch Doctor noted, sweeping into the room before taking a swig of her sake as she stretched a palm towards my forehead. "36.5 degrees. Seems you're getting better. Although I have to wonder how a little girl like you managed to get so beaten up, with hypothermia to boot."
"Oh, well I had just mutinied for the second time that day to take control of a ship, but the thing was so slow, I decided to just swim here before-"
"Second mutiny?" Chopper exclaimed, open mouthed, "and you swam here? You should be dead!"
"Oh no, that's not how I got hurt," I revealed, shaking my head. "See I was climbing the mountain, and just as I was about to finish the magnificent snow-lapahn I was building to appease the mighty rabbits, I was involved in this tragic snowman building incident!"
"Hahaha, quite the lively one, aren't you little girl?" the witch doctor cackled as her figure grew to abnormal heights, looming over me like a death omen as she held a scalpel to my carotid artery, "but you're going to be good and stay in bed whilst you're here, ain't that right?"
"S-s-s-scary," I stammered.
"What's that, you want to know the secret to my youth?" she replied, placing her sunglasses on the top of her head with a devilish grin.
"Can I know the secret to your intimidation tactics instead?" I inquired, eyes glistening in pure awe.
The Witch Doctor just laughed (not giving me the magic word, rude), before Sanji and Luffy crashed into the room, latching onto Chopper who shreeched to the point his pupils had disappeared. Luffy bared his teeth as he prepared to take a chomp, the reindeer suddenly growing in size as he transformed into a rugged beast, slamming the two idiots that were trying to eat him into submission.
"Serves you right," I pouted, wiggling my finger at them from the bed. "Stop trying to eat my best friend, you big meanies!"
"Eve-chan! Are you alright, my mighty Goddess of War?" Sanji cooed, taking my hand into his palm as he gazed into the depths of my eyes and giggled. "Want me to kiss it better?"
I blinked.
"I'm not too sure if the Witch Doctor will go for you Sanji," I stage-whispered, cupping a hand over her mouth to make his eye twitch. "She doesn't seem like the cougar type."
"Don't be so quick to judge a doctor by her stethoscope," the Witch Doctor winked, letting out a bellow of laughter as Sanji's face fixed into a look of pure 'yuck' with his nose upturned and teeth clenched.
"So cruel my divine Goddess, but I suppose I'll forgive you considering your recent blessings."
I replicated Sanji's look of pure 'yuck', oh-so-subtly scooching away as Sanji's nose began to bleed, eyebrows shooting up as the Witch Doctor kicked him into the wall. Can't say I felt sorry for the bastard.
"Stop that!" she yelled, eyes stern. "You've barely given yourself enough time to recover the blood you've already lost! Any more and you'll die!"
"So Eve, where's this doctor we're here for?" Luffy asked.
"What d'ya mean?" I replied, owlishly, holding up a sign that says 'recruit me, I'm a doctor' over Chopper's head as he 'hid' himself behind the door.
"Is it the old lady?" he inquired, tilting his head to the side.
"Nooo," I whined, threatening to tear out my blonde locks, before I grabbed the boy and tried to shake some sense into him, violently whipping him back and forth. "The antlers, Luffy! Don't you recognise the antlers?"
"But the guy we met on the way here said this old bag is the only doctor on the Island."
"Luffy, huh?" the Witch Doctor inquired, causing the boy to nod as he begged her to join our crew *sweat-drop*, before receiving a back-cracking kick to his spine. "You better watch your mouth! I'm only 139 years old! I'm still young!"
"The reindeer, Luffy! The reindeer should be our doctor!" I groaned, prompting a 'hidden' Chopper to squeak as Luffy blinked at him.
"The meat?"
Sigh. Don't mind me. I'll just be over here, trying to smother myself with a pillow.
Whilst the Witch Doctor hunted down two idiots, I gave Chopper a bright smile, watching as he crept towards me, body pressed against the mattress.
"Are you pirates?"
"The best."
"Do you have a flag?"
"Jolliest Roger you'll ever see in your life."
"Really?"
"Come to the dark side, Chopper, we have cookies," I beamed, plucking a bag of candy-floss pink cookies from my back pocket and throwing them towards him.
Chopper backed into a bookshelf as if I had thrown an explosive on the ground, limbs spread as books began tumbling to the floor. Ever so slowly, he reached his hoof towards the bag, hiding behind its transparency as he chomped the cookie, his eyes beginning to fill with heavenly bliss.
"Don't think you can tempt me, human! Not with your baked goods!" Chopper yelled, pink crumbs flying from his mouth as he continued to chomp cookies with an aura of sunshine and rainbows behind him.
No matter what anyone said I was not, I repeat not, scared of the Witch Doctor. I just so happened to be putting extra effort into my gags today as I attempted to use a wooden plank to move my bed like a gondola on the rivers of Venice. I hadn't gotten very far. In fact I was barely out the door of the room I had been treated in before Luffy wandered in, hands wrapped around his form as he looked left, looked right, before his gaze fixed on me stood upon my gondola-bed.
"Hey Eve! It's super cold outside!" he beamed before he began tearing the room apart.
Even I had to sweat-drop as Luffy hoisted the bed I was in off the ground to see if there was a jacket underneath.
"Come here," I sighed, yanking down the curtains in the room and using them to wrap Luffy so that he resembled something between a burrito and a greek god.
"Shishishi, thanks a lot, Eve! Better get moving if you don't want to miss the fight!" he grinned before rushing back out the door.
"Got it," I nodded, scampering back to my bed and brandishing my plank of wood as I continued to push the bed onward, screeching all the way (ho, ho, ho).
Screeeeech, screeeeeeech, screeeeeech.
"YOU!" I blinked, looking over the banister at the familiar sight of Captain Muncher. "HOW DARE YOU STAND IN MY PRESENCE AFTER LEAVING ME IN THE SEA TO BE PULLED ALONG BY MY OWN SHIP! I AM A KING! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!"
Huh, I wonder how he had noticed me. I was being so stealthy…Oh crap, he's charging like a bull! Looking left, looking right, I stole Luffy's gag and heaved up the bed, hoisting it above my head as I pegged it down the castle halls. Probably broke a few copyright laws as I belted out 'Yakety Sax' whilst ex-machina-ing the ability to appear out of random doors that were no way linked as Captain Muncher peered out of ones that couldn't be further away. Alas, all good comedy moments must come to an end as I slowly backed away from the scene, bed still hoisted in my arms before hitting a fairly solid form. I turned around oh-so-slowly.
"I don't suppose the recent gag has you reconsidering my imminent death, does it?" I inquired with a tilt of the head.
"DIE!" Captain Muncher screamed, making me wince as I used the bed in my hands as a shield.
However, my imminent death never came. I peeked out over the bed like a meerkat, grinning at the sight of Captain Munchers flattened face courtesy of Monkey D. Luffy. Even cracked out the popcorn until...
"I will eat all of the weapons, so that they will become a part of my body!"
Ahh crap, he totally still has the key to the weapon room.
"Ain't nobody got time for that!" I screamed, whomping him into the back wall with the bed to flatten him against the wall, sending the key clanking to the floor.
"Don't mind me, just clearing up some plot holes," I indicated with a whistle, sweeping a broom across the floor to remove the key from play as Luffy slowly followed my movement across the room. "Carry on."
Luffy grinned.
Newsflash! Snow birds are sassy as hell and Luffy beat the shit out of the bad guy.
"Phew!" I sighed, brushing the sweat from my brow as I collapsed back into my bed, now located in the middle of the castle. "Well, that seemed to work out well. Nami didn't die, we've got Chopper. Good, everything's cleared up."
I closed my eyes, snuggling up into the comfort of my pillows before a deathly shiver racked my body.
"Well, isn't that just swell."
I opened my eyes and gulped.
Do you know what's worse than Satan not answering my summons? Satan answering Nami's (the betrayal!). Goodbye cruel world.
I was sitting in my corner of shame on the deck of the Going Merry, arms wrapped around my knees. The only sight I would allow myself to see being the wooden wall, my head hanging in misery with a dunce cone in place of my pom-pom hat. I shall not party, or laugh, or share super special awesome hugs with Tony Tony Chopper. This was my punishment for my heavy crimes, and none could sway me to a different path.
"Cum-mo Eeh, oo eh," Luffy grinned, a pair of sticks shoved between his lips and his nose as he perched on the railing in front of me, looking like a walrus.
My cheeks puffed up as I clenched my teeth together. Must. Remain. Strong.
That was the moment in which I heard a whoosh, something flying over my head to land in Luffy's open mouth, causing the sticks to snap as Luffy gulped the contents of his mouth. Luffy blinked… Luffy sat there… crickets chirped… a tumbleweed probably went past… and then-
"HOOOOTTT, HOT HOT HOTTTTTTT!" Luffy cried, tears streaming from his eyes as his mouth was literally on fire.
My face became red, a mighty pressure building up in my cheeks as I briefly wondered if it was possible to explode from pent up laughter. Must. Not. Break.
Luffy outstretched his rubber arm, an annoyed 'hey' coming from behind as Luffy tipped the contents of the pint glass into his mouth. This resulted in the flames becoming a fiery inferno, a pillar of fire bellowing from his mouth before he seemed to become oblivious to the fact, pressing a stick into his fiery maw, and placing two more in his hands.
"Zoro impression," Luffy announced, jumping over my head as the flame leaked from his jaw, "flame swords."
"PAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA!" I cried, my laughter coming out like a tidal wave, my fists hitting the deck as I cried, and wheezed, and laughed some more, before crying all over again.
The whole crew exchanged looks as Eve began to wail like a banshee, her jaw seemingly unhinged from her wide-brimmed mouth. From her eyes streamed rivers of tears, the deck slowly beginning to take on water as if there was a leak.
"Come on, Eve. We accepted your err... apology," Usopp frowned, most likely referring to how I had begged for their forgiveness on my hands and knees, cried, baked thousands of I'm-so-sorry cookies, cried, and my multiple attempts to walk the plank (which Luffy kept plucking me away from, rude). "We know you had good intentions, despite being poorly executed…"
It was quite possible Usopp had developed a case of Stockholm syndrome to go with his can't-step-on-this-island-itis.
"DI MUSS DE PEUNSSSED!"
The crew turned to Zoro, who sighed before translating, "I must be punished."
"Fine. I'll charge you 1,000,000 beli for bodily harm and emotional distress," Nami grinned, her smile growing as wide as a Chesire cat as beli signs appeared in her eyes. "Oh, and you're eternally indebted to me for that picture."
"O-okay," I nodded, rubbing away the tears from my eyes with balled fists. "W-what else?"
"Isn't being indebted to that witch enough?" Zoro dead-panned, earning himself a hiss from Nami.
"No, you should all punish me," I directed, shaking my head at a rapid speed to try and hide the fact I was snickering (no gutter thoughts during atonement!).
"I want cotton candy cookies on request!" Chopper bellowed, tongue hanging from his mouth before turning around to push his hooves to his cheeks as he wiggled his hips. "Not that I liked them or anything…"
Pfft, I would have done that anyway!
"Well I'm a man who has everything!" Usopp contemplated as he rubbed his chin, "but perhaps to give my future opponents a chance of survival, you could defend them from me!"
So… bodyguard duty. That wasn't even a punishment.
"I only ask that you help me and Karoo in the fight to save Alabasta," Vivi frowned.
Chuh. Cheeky meanie. Good thing I like to fight.
"Get ready for hell in training," Zoro smirked meniacilly, eyes gleaming a devilish red to make me tug at my shirt and audibly gulp.
"More cookies!" Luffy grinned, crouched in front of me to slap away my cone of shame and replace my pom-pom hat back onto my head.
"Aren't you sick of those things! You already ate thousands of them!" Nami exclaimed with a shake of her head as I turned to the final member of the crew.
My face dropped as Sanji wore an idiotic grin, girlish giggles being emitted from his mouth as he scrunched his white shirt in his hand.
"Aaand that's everyone!" I declared, scrambling upward to dive over the deck and into the sea.
A sword scabbard blocked my path, making me flinch back as my back hit the deck.
"Come here, Eve-chan!" Sanji cooed, love hearts in his eyes as Zoro rested a foot on my stomach to pin me down.
No! What is this madness! Two sworn enemies coming together in such an act of pure evil! May I be subject to a lawsuit if these are not imposters!
"Pucker up," he grinned, his aura seemingly possessed by the devil himself (Satan is a slut!).
"No! Anything but this! Please Captain - make him stop!" I cried as Sanji scooched closer, the rest of the crew grinning maniacally and making kissy-kissy faces at me (Satan's built a harem!).
I let out a squeak as Sanji's lips met mine, the blood rushing to my face so that I was likely to resemble a tomato. Sanji flew back in a geyser of blood, Chopper running back and forth as he complained about him only just recovering from his former blood loss. Meanwhile, it was revealed to me that Zoro and Sanji were not imposters as my soul ascended to the heavens.
"Never again," I declared ghoulishly, making Usopp shriek about possession. "I won't interfere..."
A/N: Wow, I didn't realise how big this chapter was until I uploaded it. So special treat, I guess? I'm not sure how people will like this. It's a bit different, but I had great fun writing it. The thing was I felt it a bit heartless if Nami's sick and Eve is just there cracking jokes, so instead she mutinies for Tony Tony Chopper. I thought that was a hilarious concept!
Iris my Beloved & Lily E. Miller - Yay! Got to love Eve's parentage! Lily - your dialogue is literally what I imagine went through Eve's head when Luffy suggested it.
Zyriarch & Fraser - thank you so much! I'm all blushed and wiggling in happiness like Tony Tony Chopper for your praise!
And just to totally tease you... Next time on One Piece of Sanity:
"But he's coming Nami!" I shrieked, grabbing the girl by her arms and shaking her in pure urgency.
"Who?"