I am so sorry, so much happening and I must admit I lost my mojo for writing, real life proving over-whelming. forgive me.

Suspect not many will read, stories lose their momentum after a long break.

Thanks to those who do read.

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FIVE YEARS LATER

It was the start of Summer; the sun was out and the world always looked better when the sun shone.

Steve travelled from the counselling session to see Natasha, he was worried about her; she was obsessed with work, running operations from the tower after Tony decided to call off the sale. Bruce was also based there- he had a functioning medical lab and laboratory set up.

Steve was not sure whether they had rekindled their relationship, she didn't talk to him anymore- he hoped that they were together as Natasha needed something positive to focus her energy on; not just work and her intense grief at the loss of their son. She had persuaded Bruce to come back and fight with them so Steve was optimistic especially as he had stayed; plus he had been with her when she visited Harley in the hospital.

The Avengers were now in demand across the universe and Natasha was in charge. She had refused their numerous invitations to visit so Steve went to her. He got it; she had no wish to witness their happy family (which was only a façade in many ways, although more genuine recently) when her chance at being a mother had been so violently and abruptly torn from her.

They had seen her and Bruce (separately) a few times over the years but it had been uncomfortable, awkward, as it was with most of the Avengers- all still battling personal demons from their crushing defeat. Thor had completely disappeared- although there were suggestions he was holed up in the highlands of Scotland which resembled the annihilated Asgard.

Only Rhodey, Happy and Pepper were constants in their lives now; the others visited occasionally but it was sporadic.

''Hey,'' he called quietly from the doorway and she looked up at him.

''Hey yourself, what are you doing here?'' she asked with a small smile, secretly pleased to see him- it had been a while, too long.

''Came to visit a friend,'' he replied with a shrug.

''Clearly your friend is fine,'' she sat back in her chair; she did in fact look tired, very tired indeed- the fatigue etched on her face. It was obvious she had not slept soundly for a long time.

'You know I saw a pod of whales when I was coming over the bridge,'' Steve commented nonchalantly.

''In the Hudson?''

''Fewer ships, cleaner water,'' he shrugged again.

''You know if you are going to tell me to look on the bright side; I am about to hit you on the head with a peanut butter sandwich,'' she crossed her arms defensively. Keep your distance- the message was clear- it was coming off her in waves.

''Sorry, force of habit,'' he came and sat down. He had no intention of keeping his distance, it was evident his friend- his co-parent- was in a great deal of pain and required assistance, some TLC.

''You know I keep telling everybody to move on and grow,'' he stopped, hesitating; the loss was still so raw despite the inevitable passage of time.

'We can't though can we?'' she fixed him with sceptical eyes.

''No, not us,'' he admitted. He glanced away; then sighted a photo of a smiling young boy with auburn curls on her desk and he winced; the hurt as fresh as if it was yesterday, not several years ago.

''If I move on then who does this?'' She chose to ignore his pained expression. She really did not want to go there.

''Maybe it doesn't need to be done?'' he suggested tentatively.

''I used to have nothing then I got this; this job, this family, my child and I was better because of it, because of him. He's supposedly gone yet I am still trying to be better for him. I feel him Steve, I feel him here,'' Natasha clutched her chest, just over her heart; inevitably she went there.

'' I can't give up when I have that, whilst I still feel him. His life force is not gone, it is just somewhere else for now and I can't give up searching for him,'' Natasha's voice was thick with tears.

''I know, I feel him too,'' he wasn't lying; he did.

Every night without fail, he stood on the porch at their cabin in the woods, looking upwards at the stars- begging to know where his baby was. He knew beyond any doubt that his son was somewhere, lost for now, but not gone forever.

Tony searched endlessly as well, he searched in his lab; tried to find the answer in his comfort zone- science. He had come up empty and was starting to accept defeat- Steve saw it growing in his eyes every day.

''So we can't give up can we?'' Natasha wiped her eyes and sat up, plastering a forced smile on her face.

''No, I guess we can't,'' he replied. She nodded, they had a deal. They would not concede even if everyone else had.

''How are the kids?'' she changed the subject.

''Morgan is precocious, naughty and an absolute joy,'' he smiled, pure love shining brightly in his eyes and Natasha laughed.

''Just like her brother then?'' she said and he nodded; he knew exactly which brother she was referencing.

''Yeah just like her brother, she also leaves Lego all over the house to torture us with; those suckers hurt when you stand on them,'' he joked although the forever sadness lurked behind his eyes despite his light-hearted words.

''How about Harley?'' she was nervous asking that; he had suffered immensely in the last five years. Lapsing back onto the crutch of weed when Peter was lost then experimenting with alcohol - it had been hard for them, managing their intense grief whilst trying to save their remaining son from himself; then there was the accident.

''Back on track, loving college, he is talking about having a year off to work on relief projects around the world. He's doing well,'' Steve was relieved to reply, there had been a time when they weren't even sure he would finish High School especially after the accident which had been a very dark time- very dark indeed.

''That's good to hear,'' Natasha's face lit up at this good news. She loved Harley and it had been painful witnessing his self-destruction even from a distance.

''Tony?'' Natasha asked the killer question.

''Is back in the lab, re-engaged with SI thanks to Pepper; working on an advanced water filtration system for the third world, he is good, real good,'' the love in Steve's eyes intensified; they had survived, against the odds they had survived and re-emerged from the intense traumas even stronger than before.

Natasha was relieved; Tony had struggled for a long time- wallowing in self-pity and overwhelmed with guilt. What had happened to Harley almost destroyed him; although thankfully, he had Steve by his side and had somehow clawed himself out of the black hole and back to a semblance of normality or what stood for normality for him. Helping with Harley's recovery had given him a purpose right at the time he had lost all his drive- for over a year he had nursed and cared for their eldest son; plus, he had of course delivered the ultimate gift for said child. That had assuaged some of his guilt about Peter - set him back on the path to true recovery although it was still a work in progress.

''He wants to adopt again,'' Steve admitted, he was hesitant and scared to the depths of his soul at even the idea.

It felt to him like they were replacing their stolen child- he wasn't sure he could love another child; it was too much of a risk. Exposing them to possible further heartache, they had suffered enough of that already- so much trauma and pain. Plus, Peter was irreplaceable which would not be fair to any child that might come into their family. He or she would always stand in their lost boy's shadow.

However, Tony was adamant, obsessed even and Steve was starting to waiver despite his misgivings. He would do anything for his husband and maybe another child might help?

''That good huh?'' Natasha was dubious. She was always able to read him and she could see his doubt- his reluctance- his enduring anguish.

Steve shrugged, in all honesty he wasn't sure it was a good sign at all; he suspected it was actually a band aid and a sign of his husband's unresolved grief.

''You're not sure?'' she asked.

''I don't know,'' he threw his hands up. He was so conflicted but deep down he knew he would never agree however much he wanted to ease Tony's pain because rationally he knew it wouldn't do that; it might in-fact increase it.

''Answer this question for me,'' she requested. Steve nodded although he was nervous about what she might ask.

''Boy or girl?''

Steve paused for a long time, too long.

''A girl, only a girl. I couldn't…'' he looked down at his tightly clasped hands; his distress intense and suffocating. It wasn't only Tony dealing with on-going grief.

''There's your answer,'' she said and Steve had to agree; yeah there's the answer. It took him several minutes to recover himself.

Eventually, he looked up into empathetic eyes; Natasha's hardness and defensiveness from earlier gone, she understood his feelings only too well and offered him comfort.

''I know,'' she said softly and Steve nodded- yes she did.

Apart from Tony; she was about the only one who truly understood the gut wrenching agony that was losing a beloved child- losing the unique and special child they shared.

They sat in contemplative quiet for a few moments; then Steve roused himself.

''Bruce?'' he asked tentatively and he was heartened to see a subtle softening in Natasha's face; the quirked shy smile she quickly covered.

''We are taking it slowly,'' she replied and Steve nodded- it was good news and he was pleased for her.

There was a comfortable silence, the type of silence enjoyed by old friends.

''Hi, hi, is anyone home? This is Scott Lang,'' a voice interrupted them.

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Reviews would be much appreciated.

Stay safe all.