"Oh, Sougo stop the car, we seem to have hit someone"
"Ok"
"Help! Police! That host is very weird!" a girl screams.
Huh? Who is she talking about? Oh, it's Kondo-san and Gintoki.
"We're just your average weird hosts! " they said together as if they've already practised it.
Is it even a thing to say it so proudly?! Well, if that girl is complaining I'll have to arrest them. They've really got some explaining to do.
We went inside the Host club. Gintoki and Kondo-san kept blabbering, most of which were beyond my understanding. Moreover, what is Kondo-san talking about being a 'Host-car or is it 'Host-stalker''?
"We're leaving! If you want a job as a car you can be a patrol car that helps keep the streets safe."
Ughh, he's still going on about hosts keeping the streets safe and that some 'Madame' will ruin this town.
"Kondo-san! Stop struggling and come with us!"
"Chotto matte moraemasu ka" The guy with golden hair and an angular chiselled face comes up to us. He was the owner of the Host Club. Honjou Kyoushirou was it?
"This could very well be… This could very well be it!"
…...Huh?
"Welcome"
"To new Takagaraha"
"You won't be getting any sleep tonight pussy cats"
"We're gonna have a HOT and COOL party here"
"HERE WE GO LET'S PARTY!"
"OKAY!" The Yorozuya, Kondo-san and Hasegawa-san in a cardboard suit all joined in.
Why am I here? How did it come to this? Why do I have to act like a host now?!
"HELL NO!" I blow them up with my bazooka.
"Why are we partying? When did Kondo-san turn into Harley Gorillason?!"
"You definitely fit the part. My eyes haven't failed me." The hell is that dazzling guy is talking about now?!
He bows, "Please. I need your help to protect this town from Madame"
"Screw that! Samurai do not fool around."
"It's an order from your chief, we're partying all night!" What the hell is wrong with Kondo-san!
"It's 'Let's party' in your head every single day!"
Huh? Even Sougo is agreeing with them now?! What is he going on about women being cute dumbasses and we can make money by fooling them and drinking for free all night?! We're police for God's sake! Why is he hugging and flirting with the girls now!? He's doing a pretty good job though.
Kyoushirou-san tells us about the plan about how to handle Madame, he'll be serving Madame while Sougo and I just have to 'help'. And the rest of them will be the help for the help. Huh, at least we'll be more of use than the Yorozuya and the others.
"Screw that! I'm not going to be reduced to be the help for them!"
That white-head turns to me, "He basically looks like Shinpachi without the glasses!"
Tch, can't he just suck it up that I'm more handsome and more charming than him?!
"That's what-aru! If Gin-chan dyed his hair black, they would look the same-aru"
What did that China girl just say?!
"MY FACE ISN'T THAT DUMB!" Ugh, we said it together!
We bickered about who is more handsome and popular. Aah, our usual fight. But he just doesn't get it! He has to be above me every single time! I lost a sword fight against him just once, just once! That doesn't mean that he can be on top of me! Ahem, that sounded so wrong.
"Stop fighting Gin-san! Hijikata-san! And why are you dragging me into your fight?! Why are you insulting me?! You know I'm-"
"Mo~ Please stop fighting you both! Everyone should get along. Teamwork is necessary for hosts."
Shinpachi is on the floor with Otae-san's foot over his head. She must have smacked him.
Kyoushirou speaks again, says he'll do as much he can to satisfy Madame. And gives some orders to Otae-san about making sure all the customers leave the club by 9pm.
"Eh? You don't want more customers? Gomennasai, I thought you want some excitement so I invited a lot of people."
The doors open with a bang and a hoard of trannys enters, sheesh, this couldn't have gone any worse.
"Thank you for the invitation, you must have really missed us." Saigou-san said while choking Kyoushirou-san. Is that foam coming out of his mouth? Oi oi, Saigou-san might kill him this way! Why are the Okama happy that he's foaming, they're clearly misunderstood! And why is Otae-san asking them to come in? What is she telling them about the drinks that are free tonight? Shinpachi stop your Aneue!
Why is everything going so wrong!
Also, somebody really needs to save Kyoushirou-san!
"Kyoushirou-san is eaten by monsters!" Shinpachi only knows how to shout! Kusoo!
"Help~"
Did I just hear Kyoshirou-san's voice? It was really him, right? Did he just ask us for help?!
"Damn. Unfortunately, we're only the help for the help. Toshi, are you ready?"
Did he just call me 'Toshi'?! And oh he wants to help me now? Fucking useless bastard!
"Don't give me that crap! How are we supposed to 'Let's party' with those Piranhas!"
"Then we'll have to save him together!" as expected of the straight man, at least someone is in their right mind~ oh wait! Did he just run away? Did Gintoki just run away?!
TEMEEEEEE! What was I even expecting from that guy!
"Wait, I just dropped by to visit…...Gin-sama….." A blond slender woman with a scar on her face tangled him into a headlock and threw him inside. She looks drunk but is surely strong. And how many girls does Gintoki have in his harem?! Also, there are a lot of women wearing masks standing behind her, are they some kind of warriors? And the blond girl seems to be their leader.
Well, they'll just be another addition to the chaos. Mendokusai !
Huh- "Hey! He's trying to run away again!"
He's trying to crawl his way out this time! What's with this guy!
This time a girl in twintails with an eyepatch snatches him by his hair and throws him inside. He should just stop running away.
"Kyu- Kyubei-sama too?!" Shinpachi yells, seems like they're already acquaintances. She was also followed by more…..trannies?
"Why are Yagyu retainers dressed like women?!" Shinpachi should really stop yelling every time he speaks.
People just keep adding up. This way we won't be able to impress Madame Yagami. Shinpachi also went to help out the staff. Sougo is also handling another customer, wait, why is she tied up? What is Sougo trying to do? Did his inner sadist finally come out? At a place like this?!
"And isn't Gin-sama here yet?" She asked in as if she was in pleasure. What? Why does she want Gintoki?! Is she enjoying being tied up?
"Sick and Twisted!" Shinpachi and I, we both smacked on their heads with our kicks.
"Oh! That sounds like something Gin-san would say!" that purple hair is saying that too? People should stop saying we're the same! Gintoki and I are nothing alike!
"Hey! Toss them out with the trash!" Ugh, I'm so done. I'm running away too. I can't handle these idiots anymore. Can't believe I am doing the same thing as him!
"Kagura-chan, Otae-chan! What are you carrying? You should hurry up and help the people inside!" I can't leave them hanging like that! I'm better than Gintoki.
As I went inside I saw Kondo-san and Hasegawa-san served on a plate, like salad. And passed out Kyoushirou-san too!
"Damn it! What should we do?!"
Suddenly weapons were flying everywhere. It was Saigou-san, Kyubei-san and Tsukuyo-san! They realized how much chaos they were causing and stopped their men.
"I've had enough"
"The party is over"
"I apologize for the trouble we caused"
Huh? That's it? They are leaving? That was all it took to stop their people?
"They're real monsters." Shinpachi was right.
At last, we would be able to do what we were supposed to. I really need to smoke.
"In any case, we're back to normal-"
"KANPAI!"
WHAT?! The monsters are staying back?! Also, where is Gintoki? Was he at last successful in running away?!
I searched for him and found him by the entrance. Who is he talking to? Some young lady was there wearing a black gown and had dirty blond hair. Wait- Madame is here?! I should interfere before Gintoki could mess it up. I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him.
"Don't worry GIN, I already contacted the boss."
Shinpachi invited her inside.
Huh, you thought you could run away after dragging us into this mess? And what are we supposed to do now, the boss is passed out, there are two naked men served as a salad and not to mention those monsters getting all drunk.
We all went inside, tiptoeing so that we could at least escape without being noticed by the monsters.
Suddenly, I felt a pain on the left side of my head. I was hit by a kunai, so was Shinpachi, and so was Gintoki!
"Oh, Gin-sama. Where do you think you're going without us?" I heard the blond warrior say. So it was she who hit us. They continued blabbering but I couldn't hear them properly. Now Shinpachi was yelling too.
"Sorry babe, We are in a pinch right now. Otae and Kagura would help you." Gintoki tried to calm them down but it backfired. They seemed angrier and walked up to Madame and were yelling at her. Huh, what? Kagura-chan was now vomiting on Madame's face. We're so screwed!
The kunai hit me so hard. I'm feeling dizzy, but I got up and helped them somehow.
We let Madame sit on the biggest couch, with the monsters. Madame looked so angry.
"What are we going to do?" I asked Gintoki and Shinpachi. "We won't be able to look after her this way! She's already about to snap!"
We discussed and decided that I and Gintoki would try to satisfy her. We went and sat beside her. Gintoki started the small talk, thank god he is at least doing this right.
Gintoki was talking shit about some Oolong tea, "Right, Toshi?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty high on Oolong tea" Shit, what am I even saying?!
"Hell, Yamcha's little buddy is my favourite character in Dragonball" Help me Gintoki!
Otae-san suddenly came up to me and punched me hard on the face with her superhuman strength. NANDEEEEEE?! Now Gintoki was ranting about Dragonball too.
I heard a bang, Gintoki was hit too, by Tsukuyo-san.
I should continue the talk now, "So, Yagami-san, are you a-." Something hit me again! This time Sarutobi-san hit me with a wine bottle!
Gintoki regained consciousness and continued ranting. Then again he was hit by Kyubei-san.
And when hen I got up but again was hit by Kagura-chan. "Pororoca!" she yelled. Wait, it isn't about Dragonball anymore. Why is she yelling like she is in a Quiz show!?
We somehow escaped them. Why are we getting beaten up by those girls? Was it because of Dragonball? Gintoki said the same thing, he was just as clueless as I.
*Baam* Gintoki was again hit. It was Saigou-san this time.
"Oi! What's with those drunkards?! Do they have to smack us every time they talk? They aren't even giving us a chance to talk to Madame!" I asked Shinpachi, he may have some idea at least.
"And why are we talking about Dragon Ball to a woman?" Gintoki asked too.
"I was trying to help you recover from that Oolong tea crap! Instead of that you should've asked her about what her ideal type was!" I said as I turned to him. Oop~ our faces are so close!
Before any of us could say anymore, we were pulled into the violent chaos. They were breaking and smacking stuff. It was an all-out war!
"King of king castle!"
"Colonel Silver!"
"Bardock!"
"The female in Bardock's crew"
"The joke with a power level of five that's beaten up by Raditz"
"Pororoca"
"...Vegeta"
Somehow Shinpachi, me and Gintoki landed on the ground, all hurt.
"Oi, we used Dragonball to get them to tell us what their type is." Gintoki continued, "And they all have weird tastes!"
"One of them keeps saying Pororoca" I said, wondering if it was Kagura-chan.
"Wasn't there an extra answer?" Shinpachi pointed out.
Sure I had heard one more answer, was it really Madame? We got up to see if it really was Madame.
"She answered!"
We were now panicking. It was so unexpected! We didn't know what to do.
The girls started talking about Vegeta, so it was Vegeta that Madame liked. But, they're all beating down on him. Madame finally said something, why are they all busy contradicting her!
I heard Shinpachi yelling, "He forced his way into the conversation! He dove right in like widow's peak!"
I saw Gintoki sitting next to Madame, he even had a hairdo like Vegeta. Gintoki is so good at swaying people. I'll have to up my game too.
"Oi Toshi! Bring an Oolong Highball" he asked me.
Oh, it's my turn, I'll show them my Vegeta charm!
"Why are you creating one of Vegeta's famous scenes!? That's the famous farewell scene with Trunks!"
Suddenly bottles came flying towards me. Before I could even react they all hit me one by one with the girls ordering what drinks they wanted. I fall down, my nose starts bleeding, I'm getting all dizzy again.
"Heh, dirty fireworks" Madame joined them too? Why is she insulting Vegeta if she likes him!?
At least I made her speak. I know I am better than Gintoki!
A guy with glasses comes to help me get up. "We need to do something about those violent drunkards before we can get anywhere with madame, Kakarot"
"Uh, who are you calling Kakarot?" he yells.
I heard footsteps, it was Sougo! He started sweet-talking to the drunk girls. Some bottles flew his way too, but he dodged them.
"You're all so beautiful that I got confused and thought you were all models"
Did he just sidestep all those?
He then asked us to bring tequila and said he wanted to make a tequila tower. Is he serious!?
Oh, so he is planning on getting them too drunk to subdue them. Not bad Sougo, not bad.
We made the Tequila tower with wine glasses, and he poured Tequila from the top.
"Are you ready?" Sougo asked.
"LET'S PARTY!" we all joined.
We sipped together, then all I could remember was us falling over the tower. All we did was take one sip, but it was us who got subdued. Kusoo! Now, it was all in the hands of Shinpachi, who didn't get to drink since he was underage.
I came to be a few moments later but wasn't able to move. I was still too drunk. But I could hear Madame saying something like this Host Club being her haven and she came to she Kyoshirou-san's smile. I misunderstood her, we all did.
I was able to move now, we all got up and changed from the suits to our normal attire. Even the naked salads changed to their clothes.
It is said that Madame Yagami first appears as a goddess of fortune, then visits the second time as a Shinigami to bring misfortune. If that's true then we'll welcome her a third time. It was our last chance, to give her a nice memory, a good farewell. We all stood at the entrance holding glasses of beers. But, oh well, Gintoki's drunk ass was busy vomiting in a paper bag. Why does he have to ruin such a touchy scene!
"Hey, we've been waiting for you. The drinks are on you this time." Gintoki said to her in a hoarse voice, after vomiting a load.
Kyoshirou-san had even called all the real hosts working there to give her a good time.
"Drinking buddies!"
"All lined up!" They all cheered.
Gintoki started vomiting again. We welcomed her again, properly, she had a smile on her face this time.
"Heh, dirty fireworks"