The One Where Nana Dies Twice
[Scene: Cynthia's Office, Cynthia is on a coffee break. Shelley enters.)
Shelley: Hey, how's it going?
CR: Eminem raps under Dark lights... does it get better than this?
Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
CR: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?
CR: Yes please.
Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
CR: He's a he?
Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...
[Scene: Bellas Residency, everyone is there.)
CR: ...Couldn't enjoy beats after that. I mean, isn't that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Emily: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be...
CR: You did?
Emily: Yeah, but then you spent my entire audition looking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
CR: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
Flo: I did.
Beca: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Stacie: Not me.
Chloe: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college when you came for auditioning, I first thought you were dude.
CR: You're kidding! Because of the cap?
Chloe: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh..., I kinda thought Aubrey wasn't gay too, so...I have a bad gaydar.
(Fat Amy congratulates Aubrey, sees Aubrey's look and abruptly stops.)
CR: Well, this is fascinating. So, Aubrey is gay? To be clear I'm 100% Lesbian.
Aubrey: No I am bi...
Stacie: So do I have a chance with you?
Aubrey: Yeah! Right!
Stacie: Hey, WHAT IS IT?! I can be your bee..*winks at Aubrey*
Fat Amy: Okayyyy, That's confusing my math here I thought every 1 out of 10 was a lesbian and clearly we have 7 lesbians here already...
Beca: Hey not a lesbian...bi. * raises her hand*
Flo: Yes for now its 7. Because Emily still has time to turn and we don't know what is a deal of Lily.
Lily: * mumbles* I have a demon boyfriend. ( everyone stares at her weirdly)
(Phone rings; Ashley gets it)
Ashley: Hello? Hello? Oh! Beca, it's Kommisar calling from Germany.
Beca: Oh my God! Calling from Germany! (Takes phone).
Chloe: (to CR) So she's calling from Germany. I could do that. Just gotta go to Germany.
Beca: Aubrey, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Germany. (Showing off to Bellas) I'm talking to Germany.
Aubrey: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Chloe, it's Nana.
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Posen are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Aubrey and Chloe enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)
Chloe: So, uh, how's she doing?
Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.
Aubrey: How-how are you, Dad?
Mr. Posen: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair?
Aubrey: What?
Mr. Posen: What's different?
Aubrey: Nothing.
Mr. Posen: Oh, maybe that's it.
(Aubrey strides over to Chloe, who is making coffee, and talks to her aside.)
Aubrey: He is unbelievable, my father is... ( tries to hold back the vomit)
Chloe: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Aubrey: Oh God!
(They hug.)
[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]
Aubrey: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
Chloe: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.
Mrs. Posen: Not just restaurants, from our house.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
Nurse: Mr. Posen?
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Aubrey and Chloe in Nana's room.)
Aubrey: She looks so small.
Chloe: I know.
Aubrey: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now. Thanks for coming with me today Chloe.
Chloe: Of course Bree we are family.
Aubrey: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)
Chloe: Bye, Nana.
(She goes to kiss her but she moves. Chloe screams. Aubrey shouts and stares in disbelief. Chloe runs out of the room.)
Chloe: Bree!
(Aubrey runs out too.)
Mr. Posen: What is going on?!
Aubrey: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite..
Mr. Posen: What?
Chloe: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.
Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?
Mrs. Posen: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Mrs. Posen: We're looking into it.
(Chloe returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room.)
Aubrey: I, uh, I'll go see. (She goes in)
Nurse: This almost never happens!
(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Aubrey and Chloe go to tell the family)
Aubrey: Now she's passed.
[Scene: Pitch Perfect Cafe Bellas except Chloe and Aubrey are there.]
Fat Amy: I just have to know, okay. You like both men and women?
Beca: (exasperated) Yes, Amy, that's exactly what it is. It's called bisexual. Why is it so hard Aubrey, Jessica, Chloe, stacie they all are bi.
Fat Amy: Yeah, but I didn't peg you one.
Beca: Well you saw me interested in Kommisar so?
Fat Amy: Yeah exactly that's why... you seem more awkward than interested.
(Aubrey and Chloe enter.)
Flo: So, um, did she...
Aubrey: Twice.
Jessica: Twice?
Ashley: Twice? ( both says in unison. All other looks at them weirdly while they both see each other proudly)
Fat Amy: Oh, that sucks!
Beca: You guys okay?
Aubrey: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...
Lily: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.(for the first time they heard her)
Chloe: Nono, she's gone.
Aubrey: We checked. A lot.
Lily:( says in normal voice which no one ever heard her before) Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Fat Amy, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little pocket knife, y'know? ...I miss her. Hiii, I'm Esther by the way!.
Flo: For the first time I don't want to follow after that. Everyone heard her right?
Emily:(comes from bathroom and sits beside Lily) Aw. Hey, Lily, look I found a pocket knife on sink want this? (Gives her a pocket knife)
Lily: *wispers* Thanks!
Fat Amy: Sure. I think Lily just came back.
Stacie: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (Wanting to quickly change the subject) ...So Beca looks gay, huh?
Lily:( back in her normal voice) Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands back the pocket knife)
[Scene: Nana's house, Aubrey, Mrs. Posen and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]
Aubrey: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs. Posen: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!
(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)
Mrs. Posen: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
Aubrey: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.
(She tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then she opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; she falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Aubrey: Here's my retainer!
[Scene: Bellas residency, Chloe is talking to her father.]
Mr. Beale: I was just thinking. When my time comes-
Chloe: Dad!
Mr. Beale: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.
Chloe: You what?
Mr. Beale: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Chloe: Define fun.
Mr. Beale: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...
Chloe: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.
Mr. Beale: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Beale, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.
Chloe: That's probably what they'll say.
Mr. Beale: I'd like that.
[Scene: Cynthia's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Cynthia enters.]
Cynthia: Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-
Cynthia: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.
Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!
Cynthia: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...
Cynthia: ...what?, can anybody tell me please...
Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple.
Cynthia: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
Shelley: What? He's cute!
Cynthia: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley: Is Brian...?
Cynthia: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.
Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.
Cynthia: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.
[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Aubrey is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]
Aubrey: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?
Aunt Lillian: No.
Aubrey: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.
Mrs. Posen: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
Aubrey: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)
Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
(Aubrey falls back inside)
Aubrey: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)
Mrs. Posen: That's really a day shoe.
Aubrey: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?
Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Aubrey: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
Mrs. Posen: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?
Aubrey: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.
(She finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)
Aubrey: Oh my God..
Mrs. Posen: Is everything all right, dear?
Aubrey: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
(She reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him)
[Scene: Bellas residency, Bellas are preparing to leave for the funeral.]
Chloe: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?
Aubrey: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?
Beca: Some days it's all I can think about.
Emily: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
Beca: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
Emily: What'd I say?
Beca: (sticking her hair back) Hm-m.
Chloe: Are these new earphones?
Beca: Yes. Kommisar sent them from Germany.
Chloe: What, we-uh- we don't have earphones here, or...?
Jessica: (entering with Ashley) Morning. We ready to go?
Cynthia: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?
(They all leave.)
[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]
Chloe: It was a really beautiful service.
Mrs. Posen: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs Aubrey) Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.
(Stacie listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Fat Amy watching)
Fat Amy: What?
Stacie: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Tyra banks.
Fat Amy: Check it out, Hot-stuff. (She has a pocket TV)
Stacie: You're watching a America's Next Top Model at a funeral?
Fat Amy: No, yes.. okay fine.I'm gonna watch it at the reception.
Stacie: You are a unbelievable woman.
(Beca steps in a patch mud and accidentally her earphones fell)
Beca: Oh no! My new Kommisar earphones!
Chloe: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
Aubrey: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
Flo: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where she is going she falls into an open grave)
All: God! Flo!
( All came to halt towards the edge unfortunately for Aubrey Fat Amy was too slow to stop over the edge causing her to accidentally push Aubrey into Grave too)
Flo: I'm fine. Just-just... having my dream comes true... I just had a dream of me in grave this morning. Although I didn't see that one coming ( gesturing over Aubrey's body)
[Scene: The Wake, at the Posen' house. Aubrey is lying on her back, with Flo squatting over her, checking to see if she's injured.]
Flo: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.
Chloe: What, what is it?
Flo: Oh... Nothing. I just realized it was Aubrey I saw on coffin not Nana.
Aubrey: Oh! No-n-
Flo: It's Okay, it's in dream. In my country it means you are not going to die for 10 days at least.
Mr. Posen: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my Boot camp accident. (Hands Chloe a bottle of pills. Then turns to Aubrey and pats her hair over her ears)
(Cut to Ccynthia and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
Cyntia: Oh, no-
Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Cynthia: Hi, I'm Cynthia, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
(They shake hands. Cut to Aubrey emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. She is obviously very stoned)
Emily: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Aubrey: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Ashley: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Aubrey: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Chloe), I love Ems... (Hugs her)
Emily: Ooh! That's so nice...
Aubrey: ...Cynthia!
Cynthia: Hey.
Aubrey: (hugs her) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me gamble because of your ex or you smoke like your life depends on it.
Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Cynthia.)
Aubrey: Stacie. Stacey Stace. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.
Stacie: (humouring her) Oh, well you know who I love the most?
Aubrey: No.
Stacie: You! *seducing Aubrey *
Aubrey: Oh.. stacy... (she leans in but Passes out and slumps across her before she can kiss)
Stacie: Oh god ... I was so close. Why god why.
(Cut to Fat Amy watching TV in the corner. She laughs loudly.)
Mrs. Posen: What are you doing there?
Fat Amy: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing disability.
Mrs. Posen: What's the Challenge?
Fat Amy: They are going to walk on water.
Mrs. Posen: Interesting! (Turns to watch with her)
(Time lapse. A large crowd of women are now watching the show)
Stacie: (still trapped under Aubrey) Lily, could you maybe hand me a cracker? (Lily whispers something? Nevermind.
Mr. Posen: (to Chloe) Aubrey's grandmother would have hated this.
Chloe: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Mr. Posen: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Chloe: That sounds like Nana.
Mr. Posen: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is strict and critical of every single thing you say?
Chloe: ...I can imagine.
Mr. Posen: I'm telling you, it's a wonder I'm turned out to be the understanding, supportive person that I am.
Chloe: That is a wonder. So tell me something. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?
Mr. Posen: Tell her what?
Chloe: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, every aspect of your life, like your hair... for example.
Mr. Posen: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
Chloe: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth?
Mr. Posen: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along. ( looks at Aubrey who was still passed out)
Chloe: Huh.
Mr. Posen: More wine, dear?
Chloe: Oh, I think so.
(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of women.)
Mrs. Posen: Now I'm sad! ...(To everyone) Even more than I was.
[Scene: Pitch Perfect Cafe, the gang are looking at old photos.]
Beca: Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Aubrey: That little naked guy would be me.
Chloe: Aww, look at this one. ( shows the pic to everyone)
Beca: Who are those people?
Chloe: Got me.
Aubrey: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and my Angels'.
Beca: Wow, Chloe, you weren't Kidding when you said you and Aubrey are besties before you can even remember?
Chloe: Let's see, 1991... yeah, 4, 5?
Aubrey: Looks like a fun days. (They all look at each other and smile)
Stacie: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Aubrey naked!
Chloe: (looking) Nono, that would be me. I'm, uh, just trying different hair.
[Scene: Cynthia's Office, Cynthia is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]
Cynthia: Hey, Lowell.
Lowell: Hey, Cynthia.
Cynthia: So how's it going there in Financial Services?
Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you?
Cynthia: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Lowell: I know. That's what I told her.
Cynthia: Really.
Lowell: Yeah.
Cynthia: So- you can tell?
Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time.
Chandler: See that's not bad I'll tell my bitches...
Lowell: Speaking of me, I know you're gay . But, your friend Brian from Payroll, he doesn't and he has a crush on you.
Cynthia: He what?
Lowell: Yup, and waaay head over heels for you. (Exits)
Cynthia: head over heels. My foot. I mean who wouldn't love me (Brian enters behind her) everyone loves me and I love everything. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.