The One Where CaptainMarvel Gets Away
[Scene: Pitch perfect cafe, Beca is confronting her boss, Luke.]
Beca: Luke, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?
Luke: An advance?
Beca: It's so that I can spend it on NYC Thanksgiving concert. See, every year I go to this concert, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.
Luke: Becky, Becky, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.
Beca: (ignored the fact he just called her becky again ) Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.
[Scene: Time lapsed All are present except Aubrey, Pitch Perfect Cafe, Beca is approaching a customer.]
Beca: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?
Guy: Huh?
Beca: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.
(Aubrey enters.)
Aubrey: Hey, Chlo, did you know your Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?
Chloe: No, they're not.
Aubrey: Yes, they are. I just had call from them and they told me so. They tried to reach for you but they said your phone was busy so they told me to give you the message.
Chloe: You're lying.
Aubrey: I am not lying.
Chloe: You're lying.
Aubrey: No, I just talked to them.
Chloe: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Stacie enters. Her face looks abnormally colorful.)
Stacie: Hey, hey.
Jessica and Ashley: ( in unison) Hey. ( Everyone looks at them bemused)
Flo: Hey.
Fat Amy: Hiyo.
Cynthia : And this from the I-just-had- a-sex department. Are you wearing strap on?
Stacie: No and I always had a sex but As of today, I am officially Stacie Conrad, actor slash model.
Fat Amy: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Stacie Conrad, stripper slash prostitute.
Emily: What were you modeling for?
Stacie: You know those posters for the city free clinic?
Beca: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "slimy, slimy, slimy girls"?
Flo: Back in my hometown I used to be thin like paper thin like no one can see me.
Lily: *whispers* I have invisible blanket. ( everyone looked at each other)
Emily: Do you know which one you're gonna be?
Stacie: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers)
Cynthia: Good luck, girl. I hope you get it.
Stacie: Thanks.
(Chloe comes back to the couch.)
Chloe: (to Aubrey) Well, you were right. How can they do this to me, huh? It's Thanksgiving.
Aubrey: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at our place? I'll make it just like your Mom's.
Chloe: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?
Aubrey: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Chloe looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Stacie, you're going home, right?
Stacie: Yeah.
Aubrey: And I assume, Amy, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.
Fat Amy: Yes, every single one of them.
Chloe: Emily, you're gonna be with your grandma?
Emily: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.
Aubrey: So you're free Thursday, then.
Emily: Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Aubrey: CR I'm assuming you have a huge gambling night ahead of you.
CR: Thanksgiving is my lucky day, my money making day.
Chloe: Flo?
Flo: oh I don't eat Turkey so you have to make chiken for me.
Chloe : Yeah. Becs, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Music Festival?
Beca: Absolutely. ( mimicking gun shooting expression). Only a hundred and two dollars to go.
Emily: I thought it was $98.50.
Beca: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.
Jessica: Well, we are off to Charlie's.
Fat Amy: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite Jessica and Ashley?
Jessica and Ashley: (perfectly together) We literally been living there with you guys.
[Scene: Bellas residency, Beca knocks on Chloe and Aubrey's room. Aubrey opens the door]
Beca: Hi, ( awkwardly waves) is uh, is Chloe here?
Aubrey: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Beca: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my headphones. I was packing for stuffs I need to go for music Festival ...
Aubrey: ( cut her off with showing hand) Come in.
Beca: Thanks. Yeah, Chloe borrowed it not borrowed just took it from me, and I have to get it back.
Aubrey: What's it look like?
Beca: Kinda like a normal headphones without chords.
Aubrey: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.
Beca: Ok. (browsing the room) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of different taste of colours. ( Chloe's side is more colourful all rainbows and flower, unicorns posters of Leonard DiCaprio, little mix and Aubrey's side was white and greyish shade neatly organized with books, awards, different certificates hanging on walls)
Aubrey: Well, you know, at least our room is neatest room from Bellas Residency. Unlike, yours and Fat Amy's room.
[Scene: Time lapsed, Bellas Residency everyone is in living room but Aubrey and Chloe.]
Beca: Look, if she's talking to me like that, I am not gonna restrain myself.
Fat Amy: Oh, I believe it. You totally restrain yourself from bickering against Aubrey.
Beca: No she just pulled her projector and lectured me on cleanliness for full 45 minutes.
(Chloe enters.)
Chloe: Hey, Becs, did you make your money?
Beca: No, not even close. Forget Music Festival, forget seeing David Guetta.
Chloe: Beca, here's your mail.
Beca: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Chloe: (insistently) No, here's your mail.
Beca: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Chloe: (smacks her on head with envelope) Would you just open it?
(Beca opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)
Beca: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
Chloe: We all chipped in.
Fat Amy: (to Chloe) We did?
Chloe: (to Fat Amy) You owe me 20 bucks.
Beca: Thank you. Thank you so much!
(Aubrey enters)
Aubrey: (hands Fat Amy a bag) Amy, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your cheesy burrito, your grilled cheese sandwich, with side salads and your family size bag of Funyuns.
Beca: Wait, Amy, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Fat Amy: All right, I'm nine years old.
Cynthia: Oh, I hate this story.
Fat Amy: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have-and I remember this part vividly-a mouthful of cheesecake, and this is the moment my father choose to tell me that he is ruthless international crime lord.
Beca: Oh my god.
Fat Amy: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
[Scene: The subway, Stacie spots a gorgeous woman waiting. She goes up to her.]
Stacie: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.
Girl: We did?
Stacie: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Chanel girl. (pretends to spray cologne) Chanel? Chanel?
Girl: Yeah, right.
Stacie: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
Girl: Get out.
Stacie: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.
Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.
Stacie: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
Stacie: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?
Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Stacie) Oh.
Stacie: What's wrong?
Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
Stacie: Oh. What?
Girl: Um, leave.
Stacie: Wait, wait, wait!
(Stacie turns around and sees her face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mary isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)
[Scene: Pitch Perfect Cafe, Stacie enters, amongst snickers from the gang.]
Stacie: So I guess you all saw it.
Cynthia: Saw what?
Fat Amy: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.
[Scene: Bellas Residency, Stacie enters, upset.]
Stacie: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
Cynthia: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
[ Aubrey is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Fat Amy is sitting on the couch watching TV, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]
Aubrey: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Chloe is depressed) What?
Chloe: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
Aubrey: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop moping.
Chloe: That's closer.
(Beca enters, excited.)
Beca: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now.
Emily: Oh, you packed everything you need?
Beca: No I got sidetracked with an amazing presentation by Aubrey Posen ( she gets death glare from said person) Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
Aubrey: Amy, will you just come in already?
Fat Amy: Nope, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment, perfectly fine here thank you.
(Emily takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Fat Amy's face.)
Emily: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
Fat Amy: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.
(Fat Amy leaves before eating mouthful of pie when Emily got distracted.)
Stacie: Hey, Aubrey, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.
Lily: *suddenly appears from somewhere, whispers * I don't see fireflies.
( used to Lily's behaviour they seemingly ignores her)
Aubrey: That's not a question.
Stacie: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.
Aubrey: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.
(Emily grabs for some food, Emily slaps his hand away.)
Aubrey: Ah! NO
Emily: Ok, Mom never hit.
Flo: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
Aubrey: What, Flo, did you whip the potatoes? Chloe needs lumps!
Flo: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Aubrey: Why would we do that?
Flo: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.
Aubrey: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Beca: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with her bag) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
(Fat Amy starts running.)
Fat Amy: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Captain Marvel has just gotten away.
Stacie: The balloon?
Fat Amy: No, no, the actual character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before it reached Macy's, it broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the park, who's with me?
Beca: I can't, I gotta go.
Fat Amy: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable captain Marvel let loose over the city. How often does that happen?
Jessica and Ashley: Almost never.
Aubrey: Got the keys?
Beca: Ok. (Everyone leaves the apartment.)
[Scene: Bellas Residency, the group is coming back from the park.]
Chloe: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant balloon shadow all over the park.
Emily: Yeah, but did they have to shoot it down? I mean, that was just mean.
Aubrey: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?
Beca: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.
Aubrey: No I don't.
Beca: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys."
Aubrey: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?"
Beca: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".
Stacie: Do either of you have the keys?
Aubrey: (panicked) The oven is on.
Beca: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
Fat Amy: Wait, wait, I have a copy of your key.
Aubrey: Well then get it, get it!
Fat Amy: That tone will not make me go any faster.
Aubrey: (angry) Amy!
Fat Amy: That one will.
(Fat Amy rumbled through her purse to get the copy of the key.)
[Scene: The Porch, Fat Amy has a whole bunch of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]
Fat Amy: Nope, not that one.
Aubrey: Can you go any faster with that?
Fat Amy: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.
Chloe: Why do you have so many keys in there anyway?
Fat Amy: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.
Beca: All right, listen. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on Fastival watching David Guetta right now. But I'm not.
Aubrey: I swear you said you had the keys.
Beca: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.
Chloe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.
(Short pause.)
Aubrey: Why would I have the keys?
Beca: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?
Aubrey: But I didn't.
Beca: Well, you should have.
Aubrey: Why?
Beca: Because!
Aubrey: Why?
Beca: Because!
Aubrey: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Flo gets her peas and onions, and Mary gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I... (she made gurgling noises)
Chloe: Its Ok, Bree, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.
( door gets opened on his own.They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)
Aubrey: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.
(Lily appears with smoke mask and fire extinguisher.)
Fat Amy: Oh... okay now we know we opened the door. I was worried there for our house might be hunted and I need to move out soon. Its Lily... phew. ( Aubrey glared) No and sorry for your loss too Aubrey.
Aubrey: Look you wanted lumps, Chloe? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.
Beca: Oh, god, this is great! The concert is almost over, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.
Stacie: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice.
Aubrey: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?
Cynthia: You call that delicious?
(all shouting)
Chloe: Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Fat Amy: Now this feels like Thanksgiving. (Watching all fighting with each other while she munching on popcorn.)
[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Emily is at the window.]
Emily: Ooh.
Chloe: What?
Emily: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.
(They all run to the window.)
Stacie: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!
Flo: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!
Ashley: It's nice that he has someone.
[Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.]
Aubrey: Shall I carve?
Chloe: By all means.
Fat Amy: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?
Beca: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.
Stacie: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me?
Cynthia: Oh, I will. ( They split it)
Emily: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Cynthia: Make a wish?
Emily: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?
Cynthia: The bigger half.
Chloe: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve awkward family stories or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Music Festival, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
All: That's so sweet.
Fat Amy: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Stacie: And a crappy New Year.
Jessica and Ashley: Here, here!
[Scene: The Subway, Stacie sees her poster and she peels off the caption on her poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows:
Bladder Control Problem
Herpes
Stop Wife Beating
Hemorrhoids?
America's Next Model...
[She's finally happy with that and walks away.]
End