"Evans, get up," James pounded on the door to her room. It was getting close to their first class, and he was getting close to genuine worry. She'd never been out of bed so late before. It was a Thursday; maybe she'd sleepily hoped for it to be Friday, when they didn't have class for another hour. There was no answer, not even a half-intelligible groan. James slammed his fist into the wood, "Evans, I'm warning you, if you don't open this door in five seconds, I'm going to break it down!"
He waited ten. "Alohamora!"
He narrowly avoided being thrown down to the Common Room by casting a Shield Charm.
"You jinxed the door?!" James knocked again. "Are you kidding me, Evans?!" He threw the door open, careful not to let it slam into the wall.
Lily sprawled over her covers, wearing a Quidditch practice jersey and the smallest pair of shorts ever to grace the world. She laid on her stomach, one tightly gripped pillow pulled over her head. Her legs were bent, her feet in the air, like she had been kicking at something.
"Evans, come on, we have to go," James said urgently, staying in the doorway. She raised one hand to flip him off and dropped it just as quickly. A soft, breathy sigh left her and James swallowed uncomfortably. "Evans, I mean it, we'll be late!"
She threw her pillow at him. It fell harmlessly at his feet. "You- no . . . Doesn't matter."
"I can't believe you're saying—well, I don't rightly know what you're saying, but I can't believe it," James sputtered. She flipped him off again. "Do I have to drag you, Evans?"
"Touch me and see what happens!" Lily said, alarmingly clear. She turned onto her back, glaring at him. "I'm not getting up, I can't get up, so just- just go away, Potter!"
"If I have to go to classes, so do you," James protested, crossing his arms over his chest.
"So take the bloody day off, I'm not in the mood!" Lily shouted, genuinely shouted at him. It had been a long while since that happened. James stooped down to throw the pillow back to her. "Get out!"
"You know, this is the sort of thing that has half the castle convinced you're a bitch," he muttered under his breath.
She threw her wand at him. James gaped at her, backing out of the room as she began to throw pillows that multiplied consistently. The door slammed shut on him so quickly, it stubbed his toe. James shouted in frustration and no small amount of pain and went to his room.
Professor McGonagall found him flying laps around the Quidditch pitch, passing a quaffle to himself. "If I'm not mistaken, Mr. Potter, you belong in Charms class right about now."
James pulled to a stop ten feet above her, "Did you memorize my schedule, Mum?"
"Professor Flitwick asked me to come and locate you," McGonagall said sharply. "If you manage to make it to class on time, you will not be given detention."
James pulled the pocket watch he'd gotten for his last birthday from his robes. He'd been at the pitch for more time than he'd thought. "I have two minutes."
"Better hurry then, Potter," McGonagall made that disapproving face that was too similar to James's real mother for comfort.
"Thanks, Mum," James muttered, tearing off through the air towards the Charms classroom.
There were no school rules about entering class from a window. Not until well after dinner that night, at least. Professor Flitwick declined to give him detention or dock Gryffindor any points because of the charm he'd put on the glass to let him pass through it. Professor Dumbledore raised a glass to him before the meal.
But it didn't matter. Because not only did Lily not show, Sirius said Marlene had been called on to go talk to her. And Marlene looked more morose than anyone else at the dinner table.
"How's our girl?" Sirius asked lowly. All four Marauders converged on their friend, Sirius sitting backwards so he could foil any attempts at escape.
"It isn't any of your business," Marlene said, picking at her food. James winced and pushed at his hair. What had he done? He'd been wracking his brain all day and hadn't come up with anything other than existing. Were they back to that? Well, he had gotten annoyed and called her a bitch, but she'd gotten weird before that. "Or any of your faults."
"How do you figure?" Remus asked.
"She just needed a day."
"Lena, that's bullshit-"
"Language, Black," Marlene snapped. "It's true."
"But why does she need a day?" Peter pushed. James glanced at him, wishing Marlene would answer the damn question.
"It's not a big deal-"
"She didn't tell you," James muttered under his breath. He met Marlene's eyes and held them. "Did she?"
Marlene clenched her jaw and didn't answer. James let out a growl and pushed to his feet. "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to make her talk," James grumbled.
"What makes you think you can?!"
James shrugged and swept out of the hall, moving far quicker than his usual leisurely pace. He was so focused on his route back to the dormitory that he didn't notice his tail until the jinx had hit his back.
It was a Whipping Jinx, powerful enough that James stumbled into the wall. He pulled his wand and created a Shield Charm before the second could land. He shot back a few Stinging Jinxes silently, narrowing his eyes. The secret passageway he'd been attacked in was alarmingly dark.
"Sectumsempra!" He knew that voice nearly as well as he did his own. James dodged the curse. It cut into the wall beside him, sending bits of stone flying. James animated the pieces, transfiguring them into hawks that soared into the air after his attacker.
James sprinted out of the secret passageway, back into the flow of people heading toward dinner. He slowed only marginally, and did not take a shortcut again. The portrait gave him a concerned look as he gasped out, "Avifors opugno."
"Go on," the door opened. James stepped inside, panting slightly, and pulled the door shut behind him. He bent over for a moment, touching the place where the Whipping Jinx had landed. There was a deep cut where his shoulder met his neck. He wiped the blood on his pants.
He stood up, looking for Lily. She was lying on the floor, on her back, almost entirely unmoving. Everything went quiet within him.
"Evans!" James dropped his bag and raced to her side, kneeling beside her. He took her face in one hand. She looked too pale. Her eyes opened slightly. They were puffy and red, likely from crying. James nearly laughed as relief surged through him. "What in Merlin's name are you doing on the floor, Evans?"
"You're bleeding," she frowned, reaching up to touch his ruined shirt. Her hand fell back to the floor and she closed her eyes with a sigh.
"Sn- Someone snuck up on me. I'm all right," James said. Lily did not react to his piss-poor cover up. James tapped her cheek to get her attention. "What's wrong, Evans?"
"Everything," she said. James had never thought Lily Evans a dramatic witch. Something was severely wrong.
"What makes you say that?" James asked.
"I don't want to go over it again," Lily opened her eyes to glare at him, disgust twisting her features. Again? She pulled away from him to stand. He mimicked her movements. She scowled deeper and began toward the stairs.
James growled in frustration. Why was she so impossible? "Evans, what is this about?"
"Don't act like they didn't tell you!" She whirled on him. He wanted to run, but he couldn't bring himself to. She started to cry again. She pushed him weakly. "It isn't funny, Potter!"
"What isn't?" He demanded, catching her wrists when she tried to shove him again.
"He's dead, you sick bastard!" Lily shouted, struggling against him. James's eyes widened as she began crying in earnest, letting her hit his chest feebly. "My dad's dead."
"Evans, no one told me," he said softly. Her bright green eyes must've ached by now. He opened his arms slightly. She stared at him, her lip trembling. "I'm sorry."
"I told him he was getting fat," she said numbly, holding his eyes with her tearful ones. "That was the last thing . . ."
"I'm sorry," he said again, not knowing what else to say. Lily moved toward him slightly, and he stepped forward to embrace her. He didn't know why she let him. She grabbed the front of his shirt and buried her head in his chest.
James would've stood there until he passed out. She stilled gradually. He realized he was swaying them back and forth after a moment. She sniffled and didn't raise her head.
"I'm tired," she said into his shirt. He could feel her breath on his chest. He hummed back, not really loosening his hold on her. She fell quiet again. She shivered against him and he brushed his lips against her dark red hair. Lily didn't shove away from him. She hardly seemed to notice. "Today was a really bad day."
"I know," he said gently. He cleared his throat. "I shouldn't have called you a bitch. I had no idea—I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry, for everything."
"I'm tired of having to fight," Lily murmured. James flinched, ducking his forehead against her hair. "I'm just so tired."
"Some things are worth fighting over," James reminded her. "Please, please, don't stop fighting."
"I'll try."
"That's good," James whispered. "That's enough."
.o0O0o.
Lily Evans was sure of many things. But as she stared into the dark that night, she doubted all of it. James and Sirius were down in the Common Room, tending to the cut on his back. He'd returned covered in dust and tiny cuts he'd hardly seemed to notice.
He'd snuck down to the kitchens and brought her back food before even trying to heal himself. He'd come back with Sirius and the first food Lily had eaten all day.
Both dark haired men seemed personally offended by that.
She could hear that they were talking but had no idea what they were saying. She couldn't sleep. She'd been trying all day, in her bed, in James's, on the couch, curled up in an armchair, and, eventually, on the floor, and it had amounted to nothing. Lily grumbled to herself about her own idiocy and turned onto her back. It didn't help. Nothing was comfortable enough. Nothing felt . . . She couldn't even describe it. She couldn't get comfortable, couldn't stop thinking, couldn't stop wanting something. Whatever it was, it wasn't to be found within her.
Her feet complained about the cold floor, and she wrapped a dressing gown around herself. Maybe James would know. Remus was absolutely convinced that James had the remedy to insomnia, even if he tried to pretend it was a joke, even if he wouldn't fully explain it. Or maybe Sirius would help. Or she'd wander around the halls, or the grounds. She hadn't done anything all day, maybe she needed to exhaust her body a little more.
Lily opened the door to her room slowly, wincing at the light of the fireplace, even though it was barely more than a lump of embers. James and Sirius immediately stopped talking.
"Evans, you should be asleep," James pushed out of his armchair. He wasn't wearing a shirt. It laid over the back of the couch. Sirius's eyes skittered between them, paused mid-step. Probably pacing, by the faint trail in the carpet. A map laid on the table, and the fire's dancing made it seem like parts of it moved. Sirius twisted and folded it. James hurried up the steps toward her when she did not answer. She didn't know if she'd started trusting James more than his friends, but she didn't want Sirius to see her like this. Useless, and hopeless, and just tired.
"I can't stop thinking," Lily whispered as he came too close for the rational sort of thought. His hair stood on end strangely, and she knew why as he tugged both his hands through it. He didn't smirk at her distraction, just giving her intensely sad eyes. He swallowed, looking back at Sirius, who shoved the map into his pockets, folded so only the blank side was visible to her.
"Evans?" James murmured. Her attention jumped to him fast enough that his brow furrowed. "What do you need?"
"I- I don't know, I'm just . . . I can't stop. I don't know," she retreated a step. "I'm sorry, I don't know." Twin tears escaped before she knew she was still capable of crying. She shifted so James stood between her and Sirius. "Can you just . . . Sit with me and- and talk until I fall asleep?"
James wiped at her tears softly, nodding. He turned to look down at Sirius. "You can see yourself out."
Sirius saluted, shooting away from the couch. James touched her shoulder gently and she backed into her room. James followed, closing the door behind him. "You don't have to-"
"It's all right, Evans, I don't mind," he said calmly. Lily wondered if he was unwell. She'd invited him to her room and her bed and there were no jokes or flirting. She would've been glad for it if it didn't mean she was dragging him down with her.
"I'm sorry-"
"Lily," he touched her shoulder again. "I'm worried about you. I want to help. Let me."
"I'm not some charity case-"
"I'm your friend," James said evenly. "This is what I do for my friends—whatever they need me to."
"Remus says you're the one and only cure for insomnia," Lily sighed and retreated to her bed. James followed slowly, stalking around to the other side.
"I read him invoices from my dad's company," James cracked a smile, and Lily looked away from him, to her trembling hands. "He goes out like a boggart being laughed at."
Lily sat on the edge of her bed, pulling her hair over one shoulder. What was she doing? She slipped under the covers and sat up against the headboard. James kicked off his shoes before sitting on top of the sheets. Still shirtless.
James Potter was in bed with her.
Lily tried to make herself calm down, even as her cheeks burned. With no more than the half-full moon to light the room, she doubted James could see. James cleared his throat somewhat awkwardly, his hands folded neatly in his lap. His forearms kept her gaze for too long.
"Marlene would have a fit if she saw this," Lily mumbled, if only to acknowledge how awkward their current predicament was. James laughed under his breath.
"Imagine what Sirius is telling her right now."
"Probably something inappropriate about her ass," Lily glanced at James. He laughed again, shifting closer to the center of the bed. One perk of being the Heads: queen sized beds. Lily wondered if James would even fit in the twin sized beds of the dormitory anymore. He was so . . . long.
She'd need to phrase that differently when she told Marlene about this.
"Are they the only ones oblivious to one another's feelings?" James asked.
"No," Lily let her head drop back against the wooden headboard. She enjoyed the short prick of pain, even if James winced. "Marlene just doesn't think she can compete with you all."
Remus especially.
James stayed quiet for a moment, again moving farther from the edge of the bed. Lily reached out to still his fiddling hands. James sighed and said, "I know what you meant when you said you were thinking too much."
"What do you have to think about?" Lily said drily, shifting lower down in the bed. "You're Head Boy without trying, Captain of the Quidditch team without trying, brilliant and adored and surrounded by friends, just because of who you are." He brushed against her index finger with his thumb.
"You think I'm brilliant?"
"I think you apply it in deviant ways," Lily hedged. James raised his eyebrows, and Lily caved. "But yes. Objectively."
"You realize that you're all those things too," James said quietly. "Except for Quidditch Captain."
"Yeah, which is why I spent my evening lying on the floor," Lily muttered darkly, pulling her hand from his.
"Marlene came to see you because she was worried. I heard Mary is copying notes for you from the classes you missed. Sirius brought a tray from the Kitchens for you," James ticked each off on a finger. "I've been out of my mind most the day 'cause I had no idea what was happening. Remus and Peter are taking donations to get you a basket of miscellaneous sweets-"
"Okay, I get it," Lily held up a hand.
"I do concede your point about my being pretty great," James leaned back, folding his hands behind his head. Lily swatted him in the side. He grinned at her. "Though I didn't think it would take us seven years to get here."
"Here?"
"You know, capable of having a conversation," James said. Lily rolled her eyes. "Come on, you can't say that I knew anything about you that you actually told me before this year."
"Well, your inflated perception of me makes sense if it comes from rumors."
"It's not inflated," James said, severity leaking into his voice. Lily hummed but didn't respond otherwise. "It's just incomplete."
"I'm not usually a useless wreck," Lily muttered, shifting lower and turning on her side, facing away from him. James touched her shoulder.
James launched into something that could only be very loosely described as a story, because it had absolutely no kind of action or movement to it. His low voice pulled her farther and farther from consciousness. Something warm pressed to her temple and everything else faded away.