Reviewers :
Sakamaki Hikaru
Cheshire Shironeko
ShiroNoHikari
AizawaMio
NoahEarlGraves
Ryan Mashall
Jay Dawn (Thanks for the support!)
Love Me For Thirty Days
DAY TWENTY-TWO
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EIGHT MORE DAYS
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Saturday
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Wake up and look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hand upon my face
Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you
And haunts you
― Bloodstream, Stateless
We need to talk.
We always do.
What was so wrong about verbal communication? What made someone, who already had a long list of reasons and explanation, and the words ready at the tip of the tongue to simply stop all effort and did nothing. . .
In the end.
What happened to all courage? What happened to the determination, and that particular desire to make everything right.
It seemed stupid how there would be no conversation as a result, everything was blank, everything went wrong. It seemed stupid that when you missed a word, everything became haywire.
"Let's begin."
It drawled on a bit longer, the two of them, despite being knee to knee.
Close.
But it felt like distances apart. Pallid blue against pure sienna and blood crimson.
"Well. . . Maybe I should start. . ." Tetsuya was the one to break the silence, he felt his hand gripped by the other tightly, the pressure pushing to his senses more clearly as time went by. "Um. . . I'm sick."
Seijuurou inched a little too close. "I know."
"In the head," he breathed, "It's all fuzzy. It's a blur, my past, your face, my name. . . They disappear and then they came back, and then they do it all over again. It's. . . Terrifying."
And, it made him felt lonely.
Scared.
I'll screw up.
Again, and again.
Something changed in Seijuurou's expression. Clearly, the anger was apparent ―his brows were scrunched up, lips to a taut line, yet he loosened the grip; Tetsuya felt him going cold.
He was all so. . . riled up.
Tetsuya paused, he drew a breathe to appease the other, Seijuurou knew he was trying to. A sigh rose and he nudged the pale blunette. "What else are you feeling?"
"Huh?"
"Why were you scared? You could have just. . ." he breathed, "walked away. . ."
The shorter male clasped his lips, "I would want to. I really do. . . I was thinking about it. But I'm scared if I walked out, I'll be even more lonely. And yes, for a couple of days, you were really really harsh on me. We made out on the second day, and you were just so. . ."
"Cold. . ."
"Brutally cold," the blunette finished and he snorted a gentle laugh. "But at least, every day. . . You came back and there was at least someone I could look at. And knowing that I could see you everyday before everything's gone, it's enough for me." He peeled away from their closed intimacy, bringing his knees together for his own embrace, burying a scarlet face into hiding. "And that's. . . That's selfish, too. I could walk out if I want to, I could leave you out from this trouble but I dragged you into it. I made the deal and it's stupid."
"It isn't. . . The deal, it worked."
Azure pools became colder, prominent, a curious wonder and desire of confirmation. "Does it?"
"I want to believe that it worked. . ."
Another lingering pause. Brief, but dreadful. For a split second, Tetsuya shifted his gaze to look upon the time, it marked an extremely early morning and the sign that they should hit the hay earlier.
It's late.
It's too late.
He continued, "Then, why is it so chaotic?"
Both of his hands were clasped, and this time, the pressure was around his wrist. Two colours ―a set of warm colours meant to melt and burn and spark, the hues of bright ember and deep crimson like late dawn, burst straight into his cooling gaze, and he was surprised.
Surprise!
Emotions. It was confusing and toxic and very much like them. Toxicity.
They're feeding on toxic.
Desperation. A need to fulfil their own desires, their own ego, their own righteous reasons.
"Because we're just humans, love. And we can't control what we plan, even if we wanted it so badly. Love doesn't follow a plan, I never even meant to love you once again but look!" He shook the frail blunette, "Look at me! I'm here, and I'm loving you once again, and this isn't what I want few weeks ago. I wanted to bail, I wanted another fiery relationship, I wanted difference and yet I'm caught up with all these. It's because we're humans. . ."
Releasing both wrists, he brought one palm to the cherub cheek, his fingertips smoothed against the contours, like Tetsuya might break in any moment.
And well, he did.
He didn't cry, at least. But the fact that his lips were quivering just as same as the rest of his body, Tetsuya pulled the other for an embrace ―and he became more and more afraid.
"Thank you," was all he muttered. But for now, it was sufficient.
They stayed for a matter of minutes, in each others' arms, their fingers drawing circles against their backs, rocking to and fro with a slow rhythm.
"Next story," Tetsuya continued, breaking the tranquility. "The cause."
"Finally," Seijuurou smiled, and the other responded.
"Remember when we were nineteen, Kagami and I were heading to basketball camp?"
For a moment, he was thinking before the memory registered into his head. "That time? The truck hit a tree right? You said it was just a light incident."
"For Kagami, yeah. . . He broke a leg and had some bruises, and that's it," the blunette's voice started to be lower by each word, "I thought I was fine even though I was unconscious for three days prior to the accident. I had a concussion but that was it. . . Until, well. . . Last year."
"Last year. . . and Taiga. . . Kami."
"No, no. . . Kagami-kun didn't know! The aftereffects of this only started last year, when Sakura appeared in front of our doorstep and I was genuinely confused first. I thought she was a scouts girl ―I even asked her! And she was horrified at first, but then she thought I was joking. I started to misplace things, I forgot my meals and well. . ." he made some sort of explosion motion, "chaos."
"Wow. . ."
"Yeah. . ."
Seijuurou closed his eyes, drawing an amount of air to register what was happening. He dropped his head against one shoulder, his lips pecking the clothed skin. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. . ." Tetsuya brought his own hand to play along the scarlet strands. "Now. . . It's your turn."
"Right," he gritted his teeth. Unlike Tetsuya's story, his was not a sympathetic one. He was downright the antagonist, the cause of everything (and maybe, just maybe, his father contributed to that as well). "She was someone who worked under my father's branch first," he began slowly, "Yui was. . . Well, she wasn't much at first. She never caught my attention, until there was this fancy gala like ten months ago, you know in. . ."
"Dad's new office in Busan, right?"
"Right. . ." he chuckled, "Hey, you remembered ―"
"Continue, please."
"Oh, alright. . ." the Akashi heir snorted a laugh, before placing his head against Tetsuya's shoulder again, it was comforting. "The thing is, father really likes her as an asset. He told me ― "I'd like her to give me an heir" ―and well, at first I refused. Of course, since I had you. But he never really knew about us, didn't he?" Tetsuya shook his head, and smiled. They were after all, secretly married, and the private affair only remained in Japan. "So, of course he told Yui all about me being single for like ten years. She was hesitant as well, at first, but we get to know each other."
He paused, gulping.
Tetsuya crooked his brow, "And then?"
"You know Tetsuya. . . She was a strong person, very much like you."
"Wh ―"
"I'm sorry for saying that. But you know how my work is. . . I spent eight months without you by my side, eight months all around the world sorting out new headquarters ― all because of him ―and each day, I was missing you, I got caught up in her company. In July, Father said I could go back to Japan and well, it was unexpected that she was following suit as well. It was then, I told her about you. She was. . . She became different, even more hesitant than before but this time, it was me. . ."
"She was a replacement, huh. . ." In a way, Seijuurou noticed a small smile beaming on his lips, as if there was a glint of pride in him. The redhead rolled his eyes and snorted. "Of course, you were all my firsts."
Tetsuya retorted. "I'm not saying anything."
"Your face says everything, love." He peeled himself from the cuddle, just so he could look against cerulean once again.
He relinquished the remaining peace, fondling the other's hands with pure gentleness. The blunette drew themselves together, and it was his turn to have a tight grip, however, on the hems of his fabric. "I don't really care about that, I. . ." he sucked in a long pull of air, "I just want to be your last. . ." eyes shifted away, "At least, my last. . ."
"You will," the redhead quickly interjected, "I promise."
"Promise? Really?"
It wasn't by purpose, but it had been so quick that the question almost sounded sarcastic. Caught by shock, the redhead said nothing but to gaze upon the wavering azure. Maybe he had somewhat deserved that. But Kami knew, it had hurt him quite as much as the pain he inflicted to Tetsuya once.
"I want to mean it this time. . . I know I was an idiot back then. In fact, I'm nothing more but a desperate, insolent bastard. I know I don't deserve you anymore. I left you in high school, and I left you again."
The other had his head lowered, speaking nothing, feeding him with more anxious feelings. There wasn't any ― it's okay I forgive you ―and that terrified him as much.
"But I won't be stupid again, Tetsuya." He brought the pale hand closer to his chest, "You can hurt me if I do, even kill me. But please, don't make me a fool once again."
He heard a tiny sob not long after, and perhaps. . . just perhaps, it had been too much for Tetsuya to take it all in.
"Don't you say that. . ." he whimpered.
"But ―"
"Don't say that ever again," repeated the blunette, much louder than before. The hand placed against his chest curled into a fist and he hit the other real hard, "You're the one who said that we're humans after all, and it's okay to make mistakes. And now, you're telling me it's alright to hurt you and all this shit! Do you even hear yourself, Akashi?"
Again, Seijuurou was very, very shocked.
"I've forgiven you, Seijuurou. I understand now. . . We're both. . ." he laughed, wiping the tiny droplets at the corner of one azure eye, "Stupid."
". . . Yeah. . ."
"I'm tired," the blunette complained. He rose up just to slump his body against the redhead, and the crashed against the hard, cold surface. Seijuurou chuckled anyway, sneaking one arm inside his clothing.
Two bodies huddling together, in search for warmth. They listened to the rhythm of other things, the droplets from the sink, the tap-tap-tapping outside (Kami knows what). For a moment, it was enough.
Seijuurou brought his face to the pale blunette's forehead, his lips kissing against the feverish skin. Strong arms around frail body, and thin arms around a lean figure, they remained in embrace and it was all they need.
"Me too."
"I've been counting, Sei. . ." Tetsuya drawled his words into a whisper.
The redhead, pretty much exhausted from all the past days, languidly perked up. "Hm. . .?"
"One week more."
"Oh. . ." he swallowed heavily, finding any ounce of energy to tighten their embrace. Fear wallowing in his chest, gnawing every bit of his soul, haunting him like a ghost with a calendar. "Then, let us. . . Let's make one week worth."
"The deal, you mean?"
Akashi Seijuurou, for the first time, agreed ―"The deal, it is."
TO BE CONTINUED
Mozu : This chapter has a weird format. Mostly monologue with the emphasis by using italics. It's to press that word, imagine you're speaking in this context, you're pressing your tongue in each syllable and that italics is a sign where you raise your voice.
At the same time, these are not conversations.
These are from a mind, from an emotion, from a desire to express and from whom?
It's ambiguous. Maybe it's from both of them, they're both angry at each other and they're also angry at themselves. Chapters after chapters, they're asking, "Why are we fools?" because simply, it is human to be that way.
Or perhaps, it's from me. I'm tired too. I'm tired of what happened in my childhood and how it haunted me, and this is my expression.
And maybe, just maybe. . . This anger. I want it to be a catalyst. I want to reach out to you too. Feel that anger. Feel how you'd imagine as one of them, feel on how you feel when you experienced this at the age of ten.
Feel.
Because in the end, no matter how much we want to keep it all in, our jar is meant to be full.
And that's the moment you break.
Okay, stop.
Back to format; since this is the chapter where it's just The Talk, next chapter will have several time skip (in a matter of hours, duh). So yeah, I'll only highlight the importance in this chapter.
"Love doesn't follow a plan!" South Park references HAHAHAH
X for love, O for hate!
-Mozu The Mochi (2017)