Six months. How had her entire life turned inside out, busted up completely, in six months? She wiped her eyes, drawing the sweater she wore over her black dress closer. She was cold again, always so cold these days. She looked a mess but didn't care. Nothing seemed to matter when she looked at the gravestone in front of her, the one she'd always knew was coming. She'd told him once that she didn't want to marry a cop again, but it wasn't that: it was this. She'd stood at the graveside of one man she loved; she'd never wanted to do it to two. Saying goodbye was impossible; she wasn't even sure how to move on. She couldn't go back to London; her marriage was over. Without him, she didn't want to be a cop anymore, not that she had much choice. Baby steps, she thought ironically. Think it out: what did she know? She needed to pay a visit to his mother; he'd like that. After that, she was lost. She was cold, she was tired, beyond exhausted, but she was so often these days, since she'd gotten the call. There were so many gaps in her memory since then. She remembered the words, repeating in her brain like a broken record. She remembered screaming, the piercing, gut wrenching, sound that had terrified Alex and earned her two days in bed. She remembered laying in bed and silently sobbing, unable to stop. She remembered landing in L.A. and coming straight to the funeral. His mom and uncles had stood together, the cops together…the tall, cool blonde giving her the 'go to hell' look, blaming her for leaving him. Tired, she was so tired.
She went back to his place; she had no home left in America and it was the only place she felt safe. She smiled, choking back a sob, as she thought of him making sure there was a tub in the guest bath, just for her, when he'd bought the house. She'd lost count of the number of times he'd walked in on her in the bath, his running joke of handing her a washcloth to dry off with. As she let the water fill the tub and sunk in to soothe her aching, she found the tears falling again. She'd cried more in the last week than she had since Steve passed. She tried hard to think and formulate a plan. She'd talked everything out with him and, although she didn't always, or often, follow his advice, she got her best ideas discussing them with him.
"Well, big guy, what am I going to do now?" She felt the flutter again, like butterflies, and felt relief through her sadness, her hands cupping her bulge. The baby wasn't moving much these days and the only thing that kept her functioning like she knew she needed to was how badly she wanted the baby: their baby. She hadn't known she was pregnant when she left and, when she connected the dates, she knew she had to tell him. Only some 'suspect' had murdered him before she could.
"Brilliant plan, McCall. As usual." She had been so sure that she couldn't be a mother and a cop that she'd thrown away her happiness. There was no fixing that now. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, just for a moment.
She longed for him to smile that crooked smile of his that told her he was up to no good, hand her the washcloth. She saw the surprise in his eyes the first time she'd actually used the washcloth instead of getting him to hand her a towel. She remembered his hands, the way they felt on her body, his furrowed brow when he worried, his voice. She let out another sob, drying off, grabbing a pair of panties and one of his shirts, sniffing it before putting it on. It smelled like him.
The phone rang and she waited with baited breath, two rings, hang up, and then call back. She picked up the phone. There was a picture of her with Rick near the phone; she couldn't even remember when that had been taken but they'd looked so happy. "Alex…"
"Are you doing okay?" Her husband's voice sounded concerned, caring.
"No." She paused. "I'm going to call Liliana tomorrow, check on her. I couldn't…I couldn't go to the funeral. Besides, she had his uncles all around…it was a whole thing." She paused. "After that, I don't know yet."
"You know you can always come home. I don't care if…if the baby's not mine. I told you that."
"I can't do that. To you or to him. I know he doesn't know but…somehow I think he would." She rubbed her head. "I can't explain it."
"The Hunter that approached me at our wedding would want you and the baby taken care of. If not by him, then by someone who loves you." He remembered his little talk with Hunter well and what the cop would do if he ever made his partner cry. Now Hunter had been the one to break her heart.
"Alex…" The easiest thing for her to do would be run back to her life with him, be a doctor's wife, be a stay-at-home mother. She looked around, how many hours she'd spent here, some happy, some not so much, but, "I am home."
"Maybe I can come there." He worried about her.
"Give me some time to adjust. Let me…let me talk to Liliana. Deal with…try to adjust to this. Please." She couldn't picture Alex being the baby's father, but she never wanted to do this alone either. She tried to think of what Hunter would want her to do; it was his child too after all. "I can't picture him being gone yet. I keep thinking he'll walk in any second…He deserved a say. In my head, I know he can't have it, but…"
"In your heart, it's different," he finished for her. "It's more than the baby. And more than just old partners. You loved him, didn't you?" There was no judgment in his voice, just trying to understand.
"I still do." She whispered, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry. I thought…I wish…" Too late, everything was coming too late.
"Never apologize, Dee Dee. Hunter and I might not have had anything else in common, but we had you." He smiled slightly, sadly. "Do you need anything? You didn't take anything with you."
"I've got enough clothes to last a week. After a week, maybe I'll know…anything." She'd kept her bank accounts, wanting her own money, not wanting to rely completely on anyone. It wasn't enough, but it would get her through the next months until she decided what to do and took a little time with the baby after it arrived. "I'm going to stay here tonight. Tomorrow I'll talk to Liliana."
"I think you should tell her. I think it might help both of you." He knew it wasn't his place, but he couldn't help but try to help her.
"Being pregnant with another man's child while I was married isn't exactly something I'm proud of, Alex, even if it was Rick's." She thought she would never have to say those words about herself. She didn't cheat; it just happened.
"It's her grandchild. All either of you have left. Tell her, D. And get some rest. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Please. And call me tomorrow night. Let me know you're all right." He worried about her being so far away and so upset.
"I will. I promise." She hung up, looking at the bed. She couldn't sleep in it, not without him. There wasn't room for her on the couch. She grabbed his pillow and took it to the guest room, curling up. She wasn't hungry; she was just so tired.