She absolutely hated hospitals and why wouldn't she? Forget about for a moment the cases she'd seen, how many friends had ended up here? It was where they'd brought Steve although there had never been any hope. Rick had been here several times and she herself could have paid for several of the doctors to attend medical school with all the times she'd been here. She didn't want to be here now. She didn't want to cause Liliana anymore worry or pain. She wanted to be at the house and just sleep. She was so tired.
They got her to a room and even let Liliana go with her. She knew she should call her own mother, but she always tried to avoid that stress as much as possible. Laying down on the hospital bed, she flashed on how long she'd laid there when she was shot and paralyzed, in that brace, and how Rick had been there every spare second he had. Sometimes he was all that got her through, all that mattered. He was always so gentle, stroked her hairline, kissed her forehead. She missed him so much she hurt. She never intended on crying in public or in front of his mother, but she just couldn't help it.
Liliana stroked her forehead, holding her, trying to comfort her. She wished for her son to suddenly appear. She loved when Dee Dee came to visit, loved it when her son came by, but watching them together had always been something special. She had asked Rick, once and only once, why he never spoke up about his feelings. He had been afraid of losing what he had with her as his partner. She'd thought it a mistake and told him so, but they'd never spoken of it again. Now it was too late. Something so rare and precious had been wasted; it made her feel very old and very sad.
They took McCall's vitals and ran some tests on both her and the baby. McCall was able to tell them who her doctor in the states was and that Alex would fax them anything they needed to know about the pregnancy. She knew he would need to be called when things settled down too, but she still didn't have the answers anyone wanted to hear. It seemed so off-putting to her, but somehow it didn't feel like Hunter was dead anymore. She knew, in her head, the words that had been said. She'd seen the funeral. Still, it felt like he was in the hall, another room, or even in his car, trying to get to her. It didn't feel over. She knew one of the stages of grief was denial, something she'd been battling. She'd felt them all the past few days: anger, at herself, the suspect, and even a little at Hunter himself although she wasn't sure why; depression was one of the reasons why she was so tired and why all she wanted was to curl up in a dark room or soak in a tub; bargaining, trying to find a reason why this had happened why it had, wanting to talk so badly to someone it broke her but all she wanted to talk to was Rick; finally, acceptance of the words that had been said to her. She'd heard them all before. Only she'd always heard, always felt, that grief was supposed to go in stages, not cycles. It seemed to be all jumbled up in her head and her heart until she didn't know what was real anymore, but she would have given anything she had to see him walk through the door or flash his smile again.
She had never been so relieved in her life when they came back and told her that her blood sugar had plummented. That had happened before; Rick used to keep cookies and apple juice in the car on stakeouts, claiming they were for him, but he had never fooled her for a second. He didn't even like apple juice. She was relieved again when they told her that they thought her blood pressure was elevated because of stress, never had she been under more, and let them hear the baby's heartbeat. They brought in milk to drink and all she could think of was how Hunter had loved getting a big glass with chocolate chip cookies; she couldn't drink it. They brought her apple juice instead, monitored her and the baby for a little while, and then asked the question, "Do you have anyone staying with you that can help monitor you and the baby?"
"My daughter is staying with me," Liliana said, her Italian accent still heavy.
Dee Dee turned to look at her in surprise and slowly nodded. She could do that. She could stay with Liliana, just until they both learned to deal with the huge hole in their lives and in their hearts. Alex was right; the baby and each other were all they had left.
The nurse nodded, seeming to accept that at face value, and left to get the discharge papers. Liliana was both shocked and secretly pleased that Dee Dee had actually agreed to do it. Nothing was holding her in Los Angeles, although Liliana knew that she would like to be there in the younger woman's life as well as her grandbaby's. It was how her son would have wanted it. "I'll make you eggplant parmigiana when we get home."
McCall's eyes got misty again. It was definitely her favorite meal, but it was because it reminded her of better times. She never would have accepted better times being locked in a hotel room with a pervert perp and two undesirable cops, but Rick had been there and he always made everything better. She had never quite been able to figure out when it had progressed from partners-in-name only, to actual partners, to falling in love. The truth was it wasn't one thing; it was a million little things that brought them from signing off on each other's reports to sharing each other's hearts. She'd sworn she never wanted a partner again when they partnered; in fact, neither of them did. Somewhere along the line of a million stakeouts, cases, shootouts, had come the laughter and the love. She knew there had been bad times, times she'd wanted to strangle him herself, but looking back, those weren't the times she remembered. She chose to keep the good memories, even if they didn't feel so good at the time.
"Dee Dee?" Liliana's eyes were questioning. She'd seen that buzzer near the wall and had no qualms about pushing it if need be.
"Sorry. What did you say?" She looked sheepish and a little guilty, like a kid caught doing something.
"Are you ready to go home, cara?" The look of worry was still on her face, although she did feel happier knowing her family would be okay. She'd heard her grandchild's heartbeat today and remembered fondly of the first time she'd heard her son's. It seemed impossible that she had lost two sons and a husband; it frightened her that she could run the risk of losing a daughter or a grandchild too.
"I am." She was still tired, but no longer afraid. She was beginning to realize that she didn't have to have every moment of her life in a five-year plan. If she could take it day by day, do what was right by herself and their family, that's all Hunter would have asked of her.
McCall was able to drive home, which Liliana was grateful for. Although the older woman knew how to drive, the traffic in Los Angeles rattled her nerves badly. Getting behind the wheel of the sedan, Dee Dee couldn't help but think of all the piece of junk cars that they'd been given off the impound lot. At first, it was because the captain couldn't stand either one of them, much less both of them together, but then it was because things had a way of happening to any vehicle Hunter drove. Those were some of the moments she could have throttled him: when he borrowed the convertible she'd had for a personal vehicle and wrecked it, multiple times. She missed that car; she'd loved it but she'd sold it when she moved to London along with the house. Her mind started going back to her old way of thinking, the list of things she needed to get done, but she tried to relax, destress, and slow down. The baby wasn't due for months; there was time. There were so many long nights in those old beat-up, broken-down sedans, nights that should have been among the worst of her life that turned out among the best. It wasn't what she was doing; it was who she was with.
"Go upstairs." Liliana told her when they arrived back at the house. "Relax. Whatever you need to do. We can send some one for your things later. I'll bring up dinner."
"Can I help?" It wasn't an empty offer; she enjoyed spending time in the kitchen, especially with the older woman.
"Another time. Today you need rest," Liliana said as firmly as if she were talking to one of her children, leaving no room for debate.
McCall headed upstairs to try to relax, feeling a little guilty. Usually she was sick or hurt when anyone took care of her and, even then, it was almost always Hunter. She wasn't used to someone else watching after her, taking care of her, partly because she'd never been able to let them. She knew she had to work on that, not for her own sake, but for the baby. She didn't even need the lecture by the doctor or by Alex; she knew stress wasn't good for the baby. When she wasn't thinking about losing her best friend, it was all she could think about. She wondered if this is what she'd put Rick through when she left and why he never said anything. Maybe he didn't think he had the option. She'd made it clear in no uncertain terms how she'd thought she felt, wanted to feel.
"Baby, life is such a mess." She whispered to her bump. "Your daddy…" She couldn't say the words she needed to, she'd intended to, that he wouldn't be around. "Loved us both, so very much." She lay down on the bed and fell asleep, her body craving it.