Dear Anna,

Do you remember when we first met? All those late night conversations in the lobby of our dorm. I was always on my way to or from the library at all hours of the night when I would come across you sitting in the lobby. Sometimes you weren't alone, but when we talked it always felt like it was just you and me. The hours always seemed to run away from us, it was so easy for me to talk to you. I remember being so scared of how easily you got me to open up. I swear I spoke more to you in the first week of classes than I spoke during all four years I was in high school. Before either of us would know it, 4-5 hours had passed and it was suddenly the wee hours of the morning. I never told you how much I enjoyed talking to you and I never knew how much I would miss it when we were forced to stop.

Do you remember how you chose your major? Veterinary Medicine. With a minor in Zoology. Despite how much you loved to ride horses, it didn't help you worth a damn in the classroom. It didn't help that all the time you spent practicing with the Equestrian Team was that much less time you had to study. I remember how quick you were to change majors once you saw how many more biology and chemistry courses you were going to have to take after that first semester. I think you made the right choice with Business and Marketing. It really fit your outgoing personality and bubbly nature. Plus you really enjoyed all those "spiffy" outfits they made you wear for class presentations and job fairs. I think you really just enjoyed the excuse it gave you to go clothes shopping whenever you wanted. I was always uncomfortable with the crowds at the mall but the rest of the world seemed to melt away whenever you would turn and smile at me. How I wish I had the comfort of your smile now.

Do you remember how I wouldn't text you back for the first two months we knew each other? You would always invite me out to university events or to hang out with you and your friends. Rather than text you back like a normal person, I'd either ghost you or show up at the event unannounced and hope to see you there. I remember the only reason I had your number at all was because you asked me for mine first and when I gave it to you, you took it as free license to never leave me alone. I don't get nearly as many text messages anymore.

Do you remember that time we watched Moana in your dorm room? The movie had just come out in theaters so I'm not sure how you had a DVD copy. All you gave as justification was a vague "I have some pull at Disney." I still can't remember a single thing about that movie and it hurts too much to try and watch it again without you. Instead, all I remember are the silly arguments we kept having the entire time. "Is 'It's a foreshadow' grammatically correct?", "Is it called a 'feeder road' or an 'access road'?", "How tall does a pan have to be before it's considered a pot?" I still think delivering pizzas while you were in high school doesn't qualify as "experience in the culinary arts" and you can't just insist that it reaches pot status at "about yea high". You always chose the silliest things to defend with all your strength.

Do you remember the first time we danced? Somehow you convinced me to go with you to a Salsa lesson, despite how much I hated dancing. You, the eternal klutz who I've seen trip over air, were somehow impossibly light on your feet. On that dancefloor you were the perfect picture of sophisticated grace. Nonetheless, you insisted that I lead. I always thought that it was because I was taller and it took me too long to realize you just liked having my hands on your hips. I remember being so embarrassed that first time. My face must have been as red as your hair from all the blushing I did that night. We were the only same sex pair out of all thirty-something couples that showed up and I kept stepping on your toes. I never expected to see you as anything more than a friend but that was the night I realized. That night - with all the awkward eye contact and stepped on toes of a middle schooler's first dance – was the night I realized I had fallen for you.

Do you remember your birthday party Freshman year? I organized the whole day – the schedule, reservations for the campground, the shopping list for all the food and equipment we'd need. Then I got all (y)our friends on board to wake up at 9:00am on a Saturday so we could celebrate your birthday at the lake. We had to take 4 vehicles, three to transport people, and my truck to haul all the crap. My little 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit pickup had barely enough room for me with how tightly we packed it. I thought for sure you were just going to go in one of the other cars with an open seat. I remember how you instead made fourteen bleary-eyed some-still-hungover-from-last-night teenagers stand in the parking lot while you moved enough stuff into another car so you could sit with me. I remember that was when you christened my truck as The Snowflake because it was "tiny and white" just like a snowflake. I can't remember what else we talked about on the way there. All I can remember is that we were smiling and laughing the whole way.

Do you remember when you came to my house for the first time over winter break? It was the day after Christmas and late in the evening when you came. My sister had already left with her husband to go visit her in-laws and my parents had already gone to bed so it was just you and me in my room watching The Nightmare Before Christmas on my laptop. You had brought some wassail that your mom had made that was a little too heavy on the brandy. I remember how sad you looked when I turned it down. I had drunk a little (a lot) too much akevitt with my pinnekjøtt the night before and told you that I didn't have the stomach for alcohol. I also remember the ear-splitting scream after you had excused yourself to the bathroom. I hadn't told you the good news yet, that my sister was expecting, so when you found a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom you automatically assumed it was mine. You came out of the bathroom with tears in your eyes and in hysterics because you thought I had a secret boyfriend that you didn't know about and wasn't going to tell you I was pregnant. You didn't know I liked girls, didn't even know I had a sister, so it wasn't a crazy assumption on your part – especially given what I said about the wassail. After I calmed you down you decided to finish your mom's mostly-brandy-wassail and fell asleep with your head on my shoulder, arms wrapped around me, and hot breath tickling my neck. I remember how the last thing you said to me before drifting of was how "any child we have should be named Olaf if it's a boy and Olaf if it's a girl because it's a really good name."

Do you remember when we went to the strip club just over the county line? You wanted to get a lap dance after you learned about it from a classmate of yours and didn't have to try very hard to convince me to go with you. The truth was I had known about the club for a while but was too afraid to ever go. The bouncer was so confused when the two of us showed up and when we walked inside the cashier told us they weren't accepting any new dancers. I remember how horrified I was when she said "Well…" and started raking her eyes over my body. Regardless of the sideways glances from other patrons and my obvious discomfort, you proudly insisted that we were just there as customers and paid the cover charge for the two of us. I remember how mad you were when dancer after dancer kept refusing your money because they didn't work for women. That fact didn't stop one of them from calling you "just the cutest little thing" and groping your breasts before she walked off. Against all odds, though, you found a woman who was willing to give you a private dance and the two of you left for the back rooms. When you came back, you asked me to take you back to your dorm because you had to "think about some things".

Do you remember when I first visited your house during our first summer home? You showed me around the house, gave me the full tour, including a detailed overview of your family's plate collection. Commemorative plates, collectible plates, decorative plates, plates made out of Chinese porcelain, kintsugi plates that had been broken and pieced back together using gold. So many plates. Despite your insistence that there were "like 8,000 plates" in your family's collection I only remember seeing a few hundred at most. After that you took me out to the stables and introduced me to Max and Sitron. You tried to get me onto your brother's horse but Sitron didn't seem to like me all that much and the feeling was mutual. I was just content to stand by the fence and watch you ride full tilt, with the wind in your hair and a thousand pounds of horseflesh galloping at full speed beneath you.

Do you remember that time in Sophomore year when you went to your friend Alice's apartment and one of her roommates convinced the two of you to try smoking weed for the first time? I got a text from an unknown number at 3:00am telling me "you better get over here now or I'll throw up, Elsa, I swear to God" quickly followed by a picture of you throwing up in an empty flower pot. In a bathroom. With a perfectly good sink, toilet, or trashcan all within view of the camera. I remember you had told me earlier that you were going to walk to their place and you must have felt too nauseous to walk back to your apartment. I don't know how you knew I was awake but I was there within 5 minutes. When I got there you were half asleep in the bathtub cuddling your backpack. I found your phone floating in the toilet which answered some of my questions but raised others. I had Alice throw your phone in some rice after I fished it out so it would hopefully be okay. I apologized about the flower pot and the flower you probably killed to vacate it but they told me that you had just showed up with it and they weren't sure where you had gotten it. When they asked apparently all you said was "Well, y'know…gotta be prepared in case I run across a homeless plant." Again, some answers but more questions. After I drove you home and walked you to the door you said that I deserved a reward for being your knight in shining armor. Then, before I knew it, you were kissing me and your tongue was in my mouth. It was very clear to me that you hadn't brushed your teeth or even rinsed your mouth since throwing up. But then you pulled away and went inside. The moment was gone so fast I wasn't really sure if it had happened in the first place. But one thing I know for certain, that I had proof of when I woke up the next day, was that you must have memorized my phone number in order to text me from a stranger's phone.

Do you remember that Biology class we took together? Honestly, it was a really bad idea because the two of us didn't pay attention to anything the professor said all semester. What made matters worse is that you insisted on sitting in the front row because you swore that it made you a better student. If that was true then I'm certainly glad we never sat in the back of the room like I wanted. Somehow we were even worse in the lab section. I remember those Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches were so gross, I can't believe I made it all semester without having to touch ours. Though if I had to guess, you were probably the main reason for that. Despite being my guardian angel in that one respect, I still remember how on the first day you spent the better part of ten minutes chasing me around the lab with "Marshmallow". I still can't think of a poorer fitting name for a black and brown, disgusting cockroach with a hard exoskeleton than the name of a fluffy and white, soft and delicious dessert.

Do you remember that second summer? We both had landed part-time jobs at the University and so we got to spend all our free time together, away from our parents and without the pressure of classes or studying. You were a camp counselor who spent three days a week looking after kids attending educational programs. I remember your favorite was the chess camp that came towards the end. You got so much practice in and learned so much from those kids you actually gave me a run for my money whenever we would play. I lost count of the number of days we spent at the pool. I'm still not sure how you managed to get your hands on smaller and smaller bikinis as the summer went on but I'm sure you did it just to see the blush on my face every time you came out of the changing rooms. I remember the day I moved into my Resident Assistant room for the summer, I fell asleep immediately after unpacking and slept through when you were supposed to come visit. You left me a voicemail telling me you were waiting for me just outside the building. I had never heard you sound so timid and nervous before. I still listen to it now and then but it still hurts to remember the sound of your voice.

Do you remember the night we went to see The Incredibles 2? It was the opening night for the movie and I was sure we looked ridiculous – two grown women paying to see a children's movie on opening night. After the movie we stopped at your favorite ice cream parlor and you ordered your usual: a double scoop of rocky road with a chocolate fudge drizzle, served in a chocolate-dipped waffle cone. With sprinkles. I just ordered a single scoop of Vanilla. You ordered the same thing every time we went and always finished the whole thing by yourself before I was halfway through with mine. Part of me suspects that the reason you were able to finish so quickly was because you always ended up wearing just about as much of the ice cream as you ate. I remember that night you had somehow gotten some of it in your braids. But that was one of the things I love…loved about you. You had no shame or secrets, you were a completely open book, and proudly wore your heart on your sleeve. You were always unapologetically you. Regardless of the circumstances and regardless of what other people might think of you. I think that's what makes this memory one of my favorites. That and because it's one of the last happy memories we made before the accident.

Do you remember the accident? You had just gotten your own car a few months before, paid for it with your own money. You were so proud. You were taking your friend Kristoff to a doctor's appointment at the University Medical Center. You were being a good friend and the universe rewarded you by T-boning your car with a truck running a red light. In the end, the fact the accident happened right outside the hospital didn't help your chances any. I remember when I got the call. I was walking down the steps of the Music building and it had just started to rain. I called or texted the rest of our friends to let them know and headed straight for the emergency room. They wouldn't let me see you – you were already being prepped for surgery. After that I walked to the scene of the crash and looked through the wreckage to find the things you'd need when you came out of surgery. They had already loaded the mangled remains of your sedan onto the tow truck so I had to climb up to reach inside. I found the insurance and registration papers in the glove compartment, right where I knew they'd be – but your phone and wallet were trickier to find. The driver's side of the car was crumpled by the impact of the collision but I managed to crawl over the center console from the passenger's side to reach and search the floorboard. I found your things on the floorboard, amidst all the shattered glass and blood.

I went back to the hospital and sat in the waiting room they led me to and I waited. For so long. The entire time I thought it was only a matter of when you would come out. The doctors and nurses never told me that it was actually a matter of if you would come out. The only thing I could think of when they told me was that I never got to tell you goodbye. I never got to tell you a lot of things.

I couldn't even see you off at the wake or the funeral. Yours was a closed casket.

I suppose, in some way, it was a blessing in disguise. The last memories I have of you are with a smile on your face and your beautiful teal eyes shining brightly. It took me a long time to realize that and it took me even longer still to write this letter. I graduated already. I walked across the stage and everything. You graduated too, which I guess might come as a surprise to you. They announced your name and your parents I got to receive your degrees for you. That's right, Anna, you're an overachiever! Veterinary Medicine with a minor in Zoology and Business with a minor in Marketing. I suppose graduating together was the last thing we'll ever get to do together. And you weren't even there for it.

But even though you're gone to a place where I cannot follow and even though you're never going to get this letter, I hope you somehow hear me when I say that all of these memories we created will never be forgotten.

I will always remember.

Goodbye.

Love,

Elsa