Sterling Wesley just kissed me. Sterling, who beats me at everything, no matter what I do. Sterling, my sworn enemy since the 5th grade. Sterling, who I've been in love with as long as I can remember having even the vaguest idea what love is. Sterling.
Is this her response to my plea for honesty? Is this even real? I start to turn away as she slams her hands over her mouth. Hands that were just on my cheeks. Hands I used to hold when we were kids—in the pool in my backyard, hanging out of neon inflatable animals as we tried not to fall in. At the ice cream place after soccer games, back when it didn't mean anything. In the backseat of her mom's car on the way to school the day she officially gave me away. Then I was left to imagine on my own. And I did. When Chesney Beckford held my hand during movie night at church, I imagined it was her. I let him. It was easy. He had soft hands and he smelled somewhat of bubblegum. Or maybe I imagined that too. I turned him down when he gently placed his hand on my cheek and asked me out. I told him God (and my mom) told me I was too young to date. When really he just... wasn't her.
And now her. With an unmistakable look of fear in her eyes. Like when my dad almost caught me watching a YouTube compilation video of "All Wayhaught Scenes So Far" and I couldn't shut my computer and pick up my bible fast enough. I know how she feels right now. Like she made such a stupid mistake her whole world could fall to pieces and she wouldn't have anyone to help her pick them up. I know how she feels. So I don't know why I walk away without a word, but when I do everything freezes. For the first time since starting high school I recognize the door. Not just as a door I see almost every day. It's been re-stained since, but I recognize it now for the first time I saw it.
It was the summer before 5th grade. Our church used the school for a day camp. I used to go every summer, and so did the Wesley girls. But that was the first summer Blair wasn't attached to Sterling at the hip. Blair had a crush on some guy, an exchange student maybe. Someone who disappeared by the time school started, leaving Blair to steal my Sterling back from me. I never let myself think that. She was never mine.
It was during a game—I don't remember what. Sterling had been tracing shapes on my forearm during the morning meeting, making it impossible to listen to anything but her occasional giggle or unintelligible words whispered in my ear. Suddenly she was grabbing my hand and dragging me down the hallway, pulling me into a room I'd never been into. Us falling into the door I now recognize. Her hand reached out to lock it and she leaned into me. She looked into my eyes and I knew then that I would do anything for her, give up anything for her. My breath catches now, remembering how close she was. So close I could feel the warmth of her breath on my lips. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. We were only nine years old then. I don't think I even knew what kissing was, or what it meant. All I knew was that I'd never felt so close to another person. All I knew was that if I'd been able to pray right then I would have prayed for her to look at me like that forever. I'd never prayed selfishly before. I wondered if in that moment I felt closer to her than I'd felt even to God. Maybe. Somebody tried to open the door and Sterling jumped away.
We weren't the same after that day. The coldness left on my skin where hers was no longer touching; seared into my mind. I tried to get it back, but she was always with Blair, always talking about boys. Maybe if I spent enough time with her. If I held her hand enough. If I pretended to think Zac Efron was cute, just so we could have something in common. If I invited her over for dinner and even learned to tolerate Blair. Then maybe, just maybe, I could feel that closeness again. After a while I realized I never would. Slowly, but surely and painfully, I accepted the truth. And then she gave me away. She got a boyfriend and she gave me away. Maybe she knew what I felt for her and was scared. Scared of her own feelings? I wish. Scared of me? Probably. But still, I vowed then I would do anything I could do to be better than him. To be a better person, a better Christian. To win every competition. To show her I was the right choice. Not stupid Luke Creswell. But I had lost her. So I decided to keep it all in. And I became mean. And eventually I was able to push it all so far into the back of my mind it would take something powerful to bring it back. Self-preservation finally beat her, though I never could. And then I began taking it out on her. I'd forgotten why I was doing it all until now.
And now, here we are, together in this room again. Not only is she not with Luke anymore, but we've been getting along. We've been working together. We've become a team. And when I started to feel close to her again, I opened up. And then there she was, with those hands on my cheeks, reminding me of everything I'd forgotten. Her lips on my lips, warming up every part of me and bringing back everything I'd ever felt for her. With that kiss, handing me all the cards. Suddenly. Somehow, against every odd, giving me the choice this time.
It could all be a game. To get back at me for outing her and Luke. To get back at me for all the horrible things I've done to her since fifth grade. Would she do that? The version of her I try to remember wouldn't. But what about after almost six years?
I want to leave. Close the door behind me. Tell everyone before she has the chance to stop it. And maybe that's what I'd do if it were anyone else.
But it's not.
It's her.
It's Sterling Wesley.
Sterling, who used to let me share her pillows at sleepovers. Sterling, who ripped my heart into pieces in five seconds with a simple "April's in your group now" so many years ago. Sterling, who I've been in love with as long as I can remember having even the vaguest idea what love is. Sterling.
I choose to trust her, knowing full well how much it will hurt if it all blows up in my face. Deciding Sterling Wesley is worth the risk. Trading safety for the feeling of her hands on my cheeks.
I lock the door and turn around.