Well that was embarrassing. Remus was very vaguely aware of the mortification he was feeling. Mostly, he was concentrating on making sure his hands didn't shake as he played exploding snap with Sirius because if there was a surer way to attract attention than losing to Sirius at exploding snap, Remus hadn't found it yet. He decided to repress all mortification at how he'd blushed and snapped at Sirius and just generally been absolutely appalling at lying. He was just more than a little worried that Sirius had realised the cause of it.
"So who were you thinking about back there Moony? Anyone special?"
Well, Remus thought it was safe to say that Sirius was on the wrong track. Heat rose to his cheeks anyway.
"Well, well, are they hot, brainy, or do they have a 'nice personality'?"
Remus firmly reminded himself that this was nothing more than a tactic to make his hands shake, so that Sirius would win.
"Nope. There isn't anyone I was thinking of. Why are you so obsessed with romance? Has someone caught your eye?"
It was a childish retort and Remus knew it, but he couldn't help the satisfaction at seeing Sirius look remarkably flustered and the knowledge that he'd hit gold.
"It's just my secret admirer. Nothing for you to worry about. You haven't happened across anyone worth giving secret notes to then?"
Remus swore and dropped his cards.
"As it happens I am not one of the people who write endless adoring notes to someone because I don't have the courage to say I like them to their face Padfoot."
He hadn't known that Sirius was actually in love with his admirer. That could be potentially exceedingly awkward. James had commented on Sirius' feelings for the 'Secret Admirer' of course, but he had assumed that was just the usual ribbing. The fact that Sirius had then asked if Remus was sending notes to anybody had only made Remus feel worse. He'd lost the game in a very undignified manner and now Sirius knew that something was going on. This was some mess Remus had managed to get himself into. He quickly excused himself to retire to bed, hoping that the situation would look brighter in the morning.
The situation looked even worse in the morning light, if that was even possible. Remus had spent a very long, sleepless night wondering why exactly his best friend thought he had fallen in love with Remus. He also spent quite a bit of his time wondering why Sirius had assumed the notes were from a secret admirer in the first place. It wasn't like Remus had signed the notes "I love you", or made several points about how brilliant Sirius was or anything. Well, he might have mentioned that Sirius would probably look very charming with the charm he'd given him round his neck, but that had been a pun! A terrible joke, but one nonetheless. He had expressed a bit of concern sure, but that was because they were friends. That was all. They were very good friends. That was all.
Much later, Sirius bounded over to Remus at the dinner table, having come in absurdly late as usual.
"Wanna see what my secret admirer left me last night? I haven't looked yet."
Remus just sighed and waved Sirius off. He'd left him a recipe for chicken soup and a note that he hoped sounded mother-hen-like – he'd taken his tone from Molly Weasley – so that Sirius would see that his note-leaver was not interested in the way Sirius thought they were. It failed. At this point Remus wasn't surprised. Sirius did look adorable jumping up and down in an attempt to express his glee as he decided that cooking couldn't be much harder than Potions. Remus had given him a muggle recipe which meant sneaking into the kitchens with James' invisibility cloak and trying (and failing, Remus was sure) to steal all of the ingredients and utensils without the house elves realising. In short, Remus had accidentally signed himself up for an impossible task sure to end in multiple nights of detention. At least it would stop the Marauders from trying to track down the person leaving the notes, because Remus was sick of trying to hold in laughter as they all came up with ridiculous theories on who it was as they searched for clues. Remus favourite had been his own suggestion that it was perhaps McGonogall as after all she did have access to the Gryffindor common rooms. Sirius had sputtered indignantly in response to that suggestion, despite or perhaps because of James and Peter finding more evidence to back Remus up. The sight of Sirius sputtering so indignantly had been a adorkable. Sirius was the world's greatest dork.
"So when are we going down to the kitchens?" Sirius flicked his hair.
Remus had to wonder why exactly his stomach always jumped a little bit when Sirius did that.
"I vote we don't go and we stay detention-less for the rest of the week." James, Sirius and Peter simply stared at him disbelievingly. It was Thursday, of course they'd get detention before the end of the week, whether they did this or not. They were all hopeless cases, apart from Peter, who was still a hopeless case because come to think of it Remus had heard him suggesting they turn the slytherin robes transparent earlier.
"We are ready at your command Padsie," barked James
"I will accompany you only because I am hungry, understand?" Remus needed to make that point clear. He was definitely not doing this because of the look on Sirius' face when he'd seen the recipe, and the way he'd been bouncing around the dormitory in anticipation of trying it.
"Can I get food too?"
"There will be enough food to go around Wormtail."
As he said this, James wrapped the shimmering invisibility cloak around himself and Sirius, who would scout ahead to clear the way. It would have been perfectly acceptable for the boys to go to the kitchens at any other time, but it was after curfew and Sirius just had to go to kitchens immediately.
"Shhh, or we'll get caught."
"Stop talking."
"You're talking!"
"Only to tell you to stop talking."
Sirius snorted rather loudly until Remus pinched him from where he was sure he was under the invisibility cloak. A loud squeal told him he'd got James instead. It was fortunate that there was no one around. Once they were in the kitchen, Peter headed straight for where they kept the pudding ingredients, hoping to snag some chocolate chips. The house elves were all quietly snoring in an antechamber, so the marauders had the place to themselves. Sirius whipped out from underneath the cloak to start gathering all the ingredients - a train wreck in process as none of them (apart from Peter) had any idea where anything was kept in the massive kitchen, nor how to work the hob.
"Boys, what exactly do you think you're doing here?"
Remus' eyes widened. That was the sound of detention.
"Well? What do you have to say for yourselves?"
"Well you see Miss McGonogall, we were simply looking to help the house elves prepare for tomorrow and we wanted it to be a surprise you know. If you don't believe me ask them if they had any idea we were here."
"Mr. Black, that would not be proof of what you are claiming, and if you so insist you would like to help the house elves you can spend time cleaning all the trophies in the trophy room. You can start on Sunday. Same for you Mr. Lupin. Mr. Potter and Pettigrew, you can clean the hospital wing. There is no excuse for being out and about after curfew."
"How did you even know we were here Miss?"
"That is a staff secret, young man, one you will not find out. Off to bed now."
Disgruntled, they all began the trek back to the Gryffindor tower. Once they were back safely nestled in their beds, Peter piped up:
"I bet she has some sort of spy device that lets her track students."
"Nah, she doesn't."
"No, no I think Wormtail might be onto something Padsie. Do you remember when we were under the invisibility cloak and she was pacing the corridor we were in muttering something about needing to maintenance the map?"
"What map could possibly track all the students at Hogwarts? Go to sleep, all of you. We have detention tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to cleaning trophies."
"We should totally make one of those."
"Tomorrow, or dear Moony will be grumpy if we keep him up any later."
"Go to sleep Sirius. Now."
Remus wondered whether Sirius was truly in love with his admirer, but supposed he couldn't be because his secret admirer was Remus. He didn't want to have to disappoint Sirius like that – Sirius deserved better. Remus let himself just briefly imagine what it would be like to date Sirius, a thought that was traitorous and terrible and…interesting. Then he immediately tamped all those thoughts down, but when he dreamt that night, it was of a date in Hogsmeade with someone who had suspiciously flicky, long, dark hair.