Chapter 7 Getting Through Part 1

"I was never ready for you to leave hell no, I didn't even imagine it that it will happen. So, I waited… I waited for you…every single day. I conditioned my mind that you're just on a trip, and you'll be back soon, and then everything will be alright again. I said it will be fine…I will be fine, but I never said that it didn't hurt. As days go by, I felt like I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen…waiting for someone who will never come back….so I gave up."

Do you ever wish you had a second chance to met someone for the first time again? Just to do everything right?

If regret was a person, Jeongwon must have been hardly beaten by now. He left because he was hurting, he left because he was a coward, he left because he loves her so much that he doesn't want her to suffer from him. If life has a reset button, he should've pushed them right now. I was selfish, he uttered in his mind. He knew that no matter how many times he begged for forgiveness, it was impossible. He messed up.

"So tell me, why did you leave? Why did you leave me?"

"Because I love you."

"You love me, but you still left. How can you even call it love?"

"I was afraid….that I was just becoming a burden to you. I was afraid that you're just holding on for my sake…I was scared, that you'll leave me-"

"So, that's why you left first? Is that it?"

"No, Gyeoul-ah…that's not what I meant."

"Jeongwon..when I decided to love you, I meant everything of you. Even in your worst..ani, especially at your worst."

Total silence. It was deafening and suffocating, maybe the loudest quiet ever. Thoughts running through their minds yet unable to let it out their mouths. Them, standing apart, holding each other's gaze – one with anger, the other regret, both hearts shattering. If it weren't for the baby's cry, they'd still be staring with each other until now.

"You should go, Ahn Jeongwon-ssi."

He wanted to stay, to talk more about them, to tell her everything, but it wasn't a great time, he guessed. The revelation tonight was more than enough to drive him mad, but at the same time, he wanted more. He closed the door of Gyeoul's apartment, stood there for a couple of minutes, realizing he doesn't have his car with him, and asked if he could stay for the night, but then scrapped it all and just made his way out of the apartment complex. There he saw his friends – Ikjun, Junwan, and Seokhyeong, at the parking lot. They were napping when Junwan opened his eyes, saw him.

"Ya, what took you so long? It's already midnight?"

They were waiting for him, and that earned a smile on his face. Junwan woke up the other two telling them the person they've been waiting finally appeared. Ikjun signaled him to hurry up and get in the car.

"What were you guys doing here? Aren't you busy? How bout Songhwa?

"We followed you. Song-Hwa? Mother duties."

"We thought you needed someone to enlighten you. I know you're a completely heartless jerk, and I hope you regret what you have done. We also know that you are a fool, a coward….but you're still our friend."

Ikjun who was in the driver's seat pats his friend's back and gives him a smile. Seconded by both Seokhyeong and Junwan. They have every right to get angry at him, to punch him, to make him feel worthless but…they've been friends for more than two decades already, they're not teenagers anymore, so they decided to listen..and talk about it, maturely.

They arrived at Seokhyeong's house, set up some beers and soju, also some foods. It's gonna be a long night, he thought.

"You really messed up Jeongwon."

"You owe her big time, Jeongwon. Seeing here go all through this mess you made, it was heartbreaking for me…for us."

"Honestly, what has gotten into you? No calls, no texts? Nothing."

The three boys started throwing questions and remarks at Jeongwon who was completely at a loss of everything that happened tonight. All he can do was sigh, while his friends wait for him to tell them his side of the story.

"So tell us. Where the hell have you been?"

"I'll see all of you soon. Please take care of Gyeoul for me."

Soon. He never knew how long will he be gone, no. All he wants is to get away, for now, the other things will follow.

He arrived at his destination, South of Africa. A remote place, where technology is far behind. He walked forward to reach a tent where a familiar figure was waiting for him. It was Father Choi, a priest, and a doctor, who dedicated his life in this path – helping the unfortunate, healing them, both spiritually and physically.

"I didn't know you'll actually follow me here. Did something happen?"

"Well, I've known you since you were a kid..and being a priest as your dream. But I know somehow, it wasn't for you. Especially when I saw you last year with that woman. God knows how smitten you were. So what happens?"

"We broke up."

"You broke up. Why? You don't love her anymore?

"No, not that. I love her, more than anything in this world." Father Choi was intently looking at him, waiting for his further explanation. He knows something bothering Jeongwon, he sensed fear and guilt. He nodded his head, giving Jeongwon to continue.

"…I'm not ready to talk about it."

"I understand. I just hope that you made the right choice, Jeongwon. Sometimes, selfish thoughts lead us to wrong decisions, making us..and everyone we love suffers in misery and pain." Father Choi gave him a knowing look and a long sigh. "Oh well, I know you're tired from your trip so let me escort you to your room. So you can rest, or I can tour you first, whichever you prefer."

Jeongwon followed Father Choi to the headquarters he'll in that small village. Surely it was very far from what he had grown up to, but seeing these lovely people welcome him as he's part of their tribe makes him feel comfortable. These people, these children need to be taken care of. You made the right decision Jeongwon, he uttered on his thoughts.

Almost a year of staying at this place, he founds comfort and acceptance. He loves how his patients grew closer to him, like how they consider him part of their families. He was beyond grateful that he met these wonderful people. He is happy, that's a fact, but not entirely. No matter how much he tried to forget about Gyeoul, he just can't. He misses her, he wants her back, he still loves her.

It was a fine December night, the sky shimmers prettily more than ever. He cannot sleep so he decided to make some coffee, sat outside near the door of the headquarters, watching the beautiful night sky.

"What a beautiful night." He turned his head just to see Father Choi sitting beside him. It's been 10 months since he arrived at this place, Father Choi has helped him very much in adjusting and just for everything. He never asked Jeongwon again for his reasons for why he left. He was hoping that eventually, Jeongwon will open up. He even bet with himself that he will not last for three months, but he has proven him wrong. He wanted to escape. That's the only reason Father Choi could think of it. He's grateful that he's helping him heal people, but he knows that Jeongwon's not meant to be here.

"I have a question…and I need you to answer me truthfully."

"What is it, Father?"

"What are you scared of? Why do you want to escape so bad?"

Lost for words, Jeongwon knew this day would come. Father Choi may not have mentioned it for the past few months, but he knows he's utterly curious and concern. As for Jeongwon, he thought staying here, far from everyone will help him forget everything, tonight just proves him wrong. He tried to escape but found himself coming back. He let out a deep sigh.

"I got scared. Whenever I looked into her eyes, it was just full of sadness. She changed me, she made me realize my true calling in life. I love her, I would do anything for her. It hurts me seeing her cry because of me, it has torn me to pieces. I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I thought somehow maybe she was already falling out of love, and I couldn't grasp the reality of it. So, I decided for us to take a break."

"You just thought. You know what Andrea, you are the slowest person I have ever met."

"Neh?"

"Did you ask her first if something's bothering her?"

"No—"

"You are one selfish prick, you know that? How could you decide something based on your personal observation? Did she say, she doesn't love you anymore?"

"No, I—"

"But do you still love her?"

"Yes."

"Then go. Go to her."

"But, what if she doesn't accept me, what if she doesn't love me anymore?"

"You've got to try. You said you still love her, right? That's more than enough."