Hi SPNfam,
I've been working on two other short fics/OS for a few months now and I've been feeling so stuck that I thought I could never actually finish a story again. So frustrating! And then, out of nowhere, the idea for this new one shot popped in my head about 48 hours ago and inspired me so much that it's been hard to stop writing to go to work, eat and sleep, and I had really missed this feeling. I'm not sure if I'll be able to write after the series finale, or how long it will take me to heal from the emotional trauma (me, exaggerating? Never!) so I'm happy to be able to post some season 15-related story! I'm actually happy at how it turned out and I hope y'all will like it! I don't have a beta reader and I know there are many mistakes in there, so I apologize in advance!
The title is inspired by the song Before you Go, by Lewis Capaldi, which I also listened to AT LEAST 50 times while writing this.
Enjoy :)
* THEN *
A week had passed since Jack had gotten his soul back, and things had been pretty quiet and uneventful at the bunker. It had been a little uncomfortable at first, as Jack was just overwhelmed with grief and the guilt he hadn't been able to feel after accidentally killing Mary, but they were slowly working their way through it, together, as a family. Sam and Dean were able to forgive him even if it wasn't easy, but in the end, they were happy to have the real Jack back, and the permanent frown on Castiel's face was slowly starting to fade away.
They weren't used to being home for so long without anything to do though, and there was only so much research they could do on how to defeat Chuck, so on the eighth day, Dean announced that he had found a case that looked like a vampire nest.
The hunt was in Minnesota, just a couple hours away from Sioux Falls, so they decided to drop Jack off at Jody's on the way. They all felt like the kid could really use a break after everything he had been through. And since he had gotten his soul back, he seemed even more worried than before about having to use his powers and losing control. Plus, Claire and Kaia were looking forward to spend time with him, so all in all, it seemed like the best idea.
Despite the case being in a small town, it took them a couple of days, a lot of time spent questioning the locals and one and a half night in one of the crappiest motel they had ever been to before they managed to locate the nest.
Once in the abandoned house, they had been ambushed by a much bigger and much stronger group than they had anticipated which had been difficult to deal with, even for two extremely experienced hunters and an angel of the lord, who ended up having to use so much of his grace that he was heavily panting by the time the last vampire dropped dead.
* NOW *
All of a sudden, the house becomes eerily quiet, contrasting with the screams and fight sounds from a minute before. Castiel looks around him to see Dean slowly crawling towards his brother, who is on the floor, regaining consciousness, half-groaning, half-whimpering. As Cas approaches them, he realizes that Sam is heavily bleeding. He tries to use his grace, but it's barely glowing since he's used so much of it to get rid of the vampires. Dean sends him a worried look.
"We can't move him, it might make things worse." the hunter says with a shaky voice. "We could pray to Jack. That has worked before." He suggests.
"No" Sam says, his voice getting weaker. "That might draw's Chuck attention. We can't risk it." He adds, staring at his brother. His voice might be weak, but his tone is firm.
They stay silent for a few seconds, trying to determine their best course of action. The closest hospital was two towns over, so calling an ambulance might not even be enough. All of a sudden, as if he's just had a revelation, Dean turns to Cas.
"You could touch my soul." he says.
"What?" the angel looks taken aback.
"You've done that before with Bobby right?" Dean says, now sounding frantic. "When you needed a little boost to time travel. He told us about it back then. That would work, right?"
"Dean, I can't tell if it's going to work this time. I don't think that's a good idea."
'Why won't you just touch it man?" The hunter gets angry as he sees his brother getting weaker.
"It's dangerous, Dean." Cas replies, trying to keep his voice calm.
"It went fine last time." Dean insists.
"But this is different. You're different." Castiel's voice is amost pleading at this point.
"Why?"
"Your soul, and my grace… they bonded when I pulled you from Hell. You were very reluctant at first, so it wasn't an easy process. I'm not sure how your soul is going to react if we come in direct contact again."
"I trust you Cas." After a pause, he asks in a softer voice: "Will it be dangerous for you?"
"I don't believe so. It's mostly your soul's reaction that we need to be careful about. But it might be painful for you."
"Then I want to try. We're talking about Sammy's life here. I guess if my eyes start burning or something, just pull out, okay?" Dean says with a cocky grin, trying to sound reassuring.
Cas rolls his eyes. They both know it wouldn't be that easy. He realizes that they don't have much time though, as Sam has been losing quite a lot of blood, so he nods. Dean mutters a quiet "hang in there Sammy" to his brother, then goes to sit on a nearby chair and seems to be bracing himself for the pain, so Cas gets closer, softly lays his hand on the hunter stomach, takes a deep breath and pushes in.
He's instantaneously surrounded by Dean's soul. Surprisingly though, as if his soul had recognized the familiar grace, instead of the expected push back from the soul feeling attacked by the intruder, it's like flood gates have been open and he's overwhelmed with feelings. He just feels everything at once, but above all, he can feel Dean's soul wrapping around his grace, in a way that is so incredibly similar to being hugged by the hunter. He's also surrounded by his guilt, sadness and hope but above all, the love he feels is so overwhelming that he can feel his vessel's knees buckling. It takes him a second to remember that he's supposed to absorb some soul energy to power his grace, and he already knows he'd stay like this and cradle this beautiful soul forever if he could.
Dean takes a deep breath and waits for the pain. He can feel Cas' hand on him, and almost right away, he feels the heat building, spreading through his entire body. But after a few seconds, he realizes that it feels more like lying down at the beach on a hot and sunny day, rather than the uncomfortable heat from Hell, or being trapped in a house on fire.
This heat is familiar, comfortable. It's feels like Cas, and at the same time, it feels like coming home.
Too soon, the angel pulls back and Dean can't help but shiver at how cold and empty he suddenly feels. He opens his eyes to find Castiel staring at him with an unusual glint in his gaze.
"How are you Dean?" he asks, tilting his head in that special Cas way that the hunter could online describe as adorable.
"Surprisingly fine. That didn't hurt at all." Replies Dean, not mentioning the fact that he couldn't remember the last time he had felt at peace like that. Because feeling so good while the angel was in him or whatever was weird, right? "Are you juiced up enough to heal Sammy?" he asks.
Cas doesn't reply but immediately heads towards Sam, who's still miraculously conscious, but paler than before. The angel's hands start glowing as soon as they are on his friend's shoulders. A minute later, Sam is back on his feet, his shirt stained by blood but his wounds fully healed and Dean strides towards them, to give a quick i'm-so-glad-you're-alive hug to his brother, and pats the angel's shoulder. Sam also gives Cas a hug, and heads out to the car, still feeling a little wobbly, after Dean and Cas tell him that they'll take care of all the dead headless bodies.
Dean heads towards the Impala as well to grab some fuel, because burning the abandoned house down seems like the fastest and most efficient way to cover their tracks, but Cas grabs him by the shoulder and cups his cheek in such a tender way to heal the bruise that was starting to appear on Dean's jaw, as well as some back pain that was barely there yet, but that he definitely would have felt the next day.
"Thanks Cas."
The angel only replies with a smile. He's quiet, but as they sit in the car once the house is fully burning and before the locals start showing up, they drive away and Dean can feel his gaze boring holes in the back of his head. After all these years, he was used to the angel's intense stares, but this was different. He could almost feel his soul burning at the intensity.
As they had left the motel at dawn, it's early enough for them to go back there to have quick showers and grab a light breakfast, before calling Jody to let her know they were heading west to Sioux Falls and would arrive just in time for lunch.
The ride back is quiet but peaceful, and Dean keeps glancing at Cas in the rearview mirror, as he can't help but think about his soul and the angel's grace connecting in such a special way. It should have been painful, but instead had felt really good. Wasn't that supposed to mean something? Why was the angel so silent since he had pulled back? Had he seen anything he shouldn't have?
He's lost so deep in his thoughts that time on the road flies and then they're on Jody's doorstep.
"How did the hunt go?" she asks while letting them in the house.
"Long story short, the nest was big, Sam got pretty banged up, Cas managed to fix him, and now I'm starving." Dean says with his usual cocky grin. Sam and Castiel knew that he was probably still beating himself up over the fact that his brother had gotten hurt and wanted to avoid the subject. Deflecting was just a second nature for him.
"Sam got hurt?" Jack asks, worried, entering the living room with Claire and Kaia on his footsteps.
"I'm better now. Everybody's fine." Sam replies with a reassuring smile, patting Jack's shoulder.
The girls had been out when they had first stopped by on their way to Minnesota, so Claire runs into Castiel's arms to give him a hug. The angel hugs back right away with a soft smile, always surprised and grateful that the young woman has accepted him in her life despite him being responsible for her losing her parents. She pulls back, but he keeps his arms on her shoulder, and takes the time to stare at her. "You look great, Claire." He says in a soft tone. "Less angry" She actually chuckles at Castiel's words. "Being happy suits you."
"Thanks, Cas." She replies before kissing his cheek. She steps back and grabs Kaia's hand with a bright smile.
They sit around the dining room table while Jody goes to the kitchen to grab the food and dishes, helped by Dean who, of course, wants to be the first one to take a peek at the delicious meal.
Because there were more people than usual around the table, they all had to squeeze in which means that Dean's knee was pressed against Cas', making him feel particularly giddy as the angel seemed to be leaning against him as well, slightly more than necessary.
He shares a happy smile with Sam, knowing what his brother is thinking as they stare at everybody around them. Considering how many people they had lost throughout their lives, sitting at a crowded table surrounded by their chosen family always felt like a celebration. And even if Chuck's wrath was still looming over their heads, he couldn't take these moments away from them.
They end up spending most of their afternoon at Jody's, taking the time to enjoy one of those rare peaceful family moments, and Dean ends up napping on the couch while everybody else plays board games. By the time he wakes up, he's full of energy and ready for the long drive back to the bunker, even if Jody offers that they stay for dinner and spend the night.
"Jody, I love your cooking but after that hunt, and the crappy mattress I've slept on the past couple of nights, I'm ready to be reunited with my memory foam." Dean chuckles. Everybody else agrees to go back on the road, Jack's condition being that they stop at the nice diner that's on their way, about three hours from Lebanon and Dean definitely can't say no to that.
It's already way past midnight by the time they make it back to the bunker and Jack heads straight for his room after saying goodnight. Like each time his brother gets hurt, Dean becomes even more overprotective and actually walks Sam to his room, closely followed by Cas.
"Dean, you don't need to come and tuck me in. I'm fine." Sam laughs, appreciating the concern. "Night guys" he adds before closing his bedroom door behind him.
That leaves Dean alone with Cas, and he suddenly feels a little anxious.
"Can we talk?" Dean says, turning around to look at the angel. He might not usually be the one initiating deep conversations, but the angel being even quieter than usual for a whole day after the moment they had shared is already driving him crazy.
"Of course, Dean." Cas nods and they start walking towards Dean's room in a silent agreement.
As soon as the door is closed behind them, Dean can't help but ask, worried:
"How are you feeling Cas? You seem a little out of it."
"I'm fine" whispers Cas, barely audible. He comes closer to Dean, slowly backing him up against the door, giving him the time and opportunity to pull back, but he doesn't. They just stare at each other closer than they've ever been. Dean is baffled and doesn't understand what's happening and but doesn't have time to process what is happening when Cas frames his face with his hands, pushes their bodies together and kisses him, taking his breath away.
It's short and sweet, and yet, when he pulls back, Dean's heart his hammering and he feels like his legs would be shaking if Cas wasn't holding him up so firmly against the door with his whole body. He opens his mouth to talk, but no sound comes out, so Cas starts talking.
"I spent the whole day thinking about this but I wanted to wait until we were alone. I almost kissed you before we burned the house down but that didn't seem like the best scenery for a romantic encounter." Dean is barely registering what the angel is talking about, obsessed with the souvenir of soft lips against his, but Castiel's way of describing intimate situations makes him chuckle as always. "When I touched your soul, I didn't mean to intrude… but I just felt… everything." The angel adds.
"Everything?"
"I felt your guilt, your pain, but something else was stronger… I felt loved." Castiel whispers, still in awe from this revelation.
Dean breath falters and he blushes, avoiding the angel's gaze, which Cas finds endearing and can't help but slowly caress the hunter's cheek. Still looking away, Dean smiles and all of a sudden, they're kissing again. For Cas, it's even better this time because Dean is the one who initiated the kiss.
They keep kissing for what feels like forever, alternating between smaller pecks and deep, open-mouth kisses and Cas can't help but whimper the first time Dean's tongue glides against his. Their hands have moved too, and while the angel is gripping Dean's hair and neck, the hunter has slipped his hands under the trench coat, circling his hips and keeping him close.
After a while, they pull apart, a little out of breath, but Dean immediately slots his head in the crook of Castiel's neck, holding him even closer than before, not ready to let go. He waits until his breathing is back to normal before talking.
"I'd love to keep this going but I ain't getting younger. I need a few hours of sleep." He says.
"You definitely deserve some sleep." Castiel nods before letting go of him, and looking like he's heading for the door. However, Dean catches his hand and makes him turn around.
"That doesn't mean you have to go though." The hunter says, and he would totally deny it if anybody asked, but his tone his almost pleading.
Cas doesn't reply but his toothy grin speaks more than a thousand words. Dean decides that he needs to take every chance he can get to see it more often. He grabs some pajamas, throws some out to the angel who looks at him, tilting his head.
"If we're going to be spending the night together cuddling, we might as well be wearing comfy clothes." Dean says taking his jeans off, and Cas can't help but feels a blush creeping up his cheeks at how intimate this feels.
"I didn't realize we were going to be cuddling." He says, seemingly serious while trying to compose himself.
Dean furiously blushes, for what feels like the tenth time tonight, thinking he's going too fast as they haven't even actually talked about their feelings. But then, he sees that Cas is still smiling, obviously teasing him so he childishly decides to throw a pillow at him.
"You son of a bitch. Damn right we're gonna cuddle." He says as he plops down on the bed.
Cas laughs quietly and starts undressing, and he can tell that the hunter is having a hard time avoiding to look at his body. He puts the t-shirt on and, deciding against the pajamas pants and lies down next to Dean. They stare at each other for a few minutes, all smiles but as if they were afraid to touch the other again. Dean gives him a quick peck on the lips and turn around to turn the lights off. Once in the complete dark, it seems easier for their bodies to find each other, and Dean ends up with his head on Castiel's shoulder, one hand on his stomach and his legs slotted against the angel's who's embracing him. He lets out a happy sigh, and is already falling asleep by the time Cas whispers "Goodnight, Dean."
Dean wakes up the next morning with a smile on his face. Not used to spending the night entwined with another body, he woke up a few times to find Cas happily snoring against him which made him fall right back into a peaceful sleep every single time. This morning though, he's a bit disappointed to find that the angel has already left. He sighs, thinking about the missed opportunity of lying in bed together, exchanging lazy kisses. His sulking is cut short a few minutes later though, when the angel enters the room with two steaming cups in his hands.
"Hello Dean. I got you some coffee."
"God, I love you." Dean says with a sleepy voice, and then freezes when he realizes what he just said.
Even if it was pretty obvious after the previous day's soul-grace connection, actually saying the words out loud was different. And while they had fully acknowledge the shift in their relationship, they had spent more time kissing than talking about it the night before, not that they were complaining.
"Come back to bed." He adds quickly. He might be in love with the guy, but it was too early to talk about feelings. Castiel is happy to comply, and goes back under the covers carefully and hands Dean his cup of coffee. Pressed against each other, they sit in silence, sipping their coffee and enjoying the moment. Once their cups are empty, Dean takes them and places them on his bedside table before turning towards the angel.
"Good morning sunshine." He says before cupping his cheek and kissing him. They take their time, feeling the lingering taste of coffee in each other's mouths. Their tongues slowly discovering each other, while their hands are moving, touching as much skin as possible. Cas slides his hands under Dean t-shirt, while the hunter moves one of his hands up to grip his hair, and the kiss quickly grows from slow and sensual to hot and needy.
Dean tries to get closer, almost straddling Cas, making him moan deeply and he know he needs to hear that sound again, sooner than later.
Unfortunately, they're interrupted by enthusiastic knocks on the door and they barely have time to put some distance between them before Jack barges into the room.
"Hi guys! Dean, I saw that Cas was bringing you coffee, and I thought I would wait a little until you were fully awake. You said we'd go fishing after the hunt, remember? Should I get my bag ready?"
Dean clears his throat, not sure he'll be able to participate in a conversation so quickly after one hell of a make out session.
"Humm" he starts not sure what to say. If he ever wondered what it felt like to be busted by his kid, that was pretty much it.
"Wait, am I interrupting something?" Jack suddenly asks, looking weirdly disappointed.
Dean and Castiel exchange an awkward smile, which makes Jack realizes how happy they look and he snaps.
"What are you doing Castiel?" he says before walking away, although not before slamming the bedroom door behind him.
For a minute, they're too surprised to talk and just stare at each other, worried.
"Should we check up on him?" Dean asks.
"His reaction seems quite strong. I'm not sure it's about fishing Dean." Castiel replies. Worry creeps up on him, as he starts to wonder if the reason behind Jack's anger is linked to the happiness he feels. But Jack is young and still unexperienced when it comes to feelings, so he couldn't be so clairvoyant, could he?
They end up finding him in the kitchen, seating with Sam who seems to have no idea why the Nephilim is fuming.
"What's wrong with you kid?" Dean asks as soon as they enter the kitchen.
"Are you happy right now?" Jack spats, only looking at Castiel, and he sounds so angry that Dean is taken aback.
"Why? Do you have a problem with that?" he asks, startled.
"Yes, I do if it kills him." There it is, Cas thinks. They hadn't talk about his deal in quite a long time, but Dean was making him really happy and he needed to give the kid credit for figuring him out so quickly.
"Jack, don't." Castiel says, trying to prevent yet another drama from disturbing the Winchesters' life.
"What do you mean by that?" asks Sam who still doesn't understand why Jack is so angry, and why Dean and Cas walked in the kitchen together, with the angel wearing his brother's clothes. Should he even dare to hope that they had finally gotten their heads out of their asses? But why would Jack be against that?
Jack opens him mouth to reply but doesn't get a chance to.
"JACK! I said no!" interrupts Cas in a voice so deep and powerful that it feels like the bunker's walls are trembling.
"What the hell Cas? Let the kid talk" Dean interrupts. He's worried now, because it sounds like he's about to find out about yet another secret and he's not going to like it.
"I'm sorry Cas, but they need to know. Do you just want them, want Dean, to wake up one day and find out that you're gone?" The anger is gone from Jack's tone, replaced by sadness.
Cas sends an apologetic and ashamed glance at Dean and he freezes. Things hadn't been perfect lately, Chuck was still around, and Sam had gotten pretty hurt just the day before. But Jack was back, they were on the mend, and as much as he tried to not read into it too much because the future was still way too blurry at this point, his blossoming relationship with Cas was giving him a new kind of hope. Of course the other shoe was about to drop.
"When I died, and I went to Heaven, the Empty tried to take me because of the Angel side of me belonged there and it threatened to completely destroy Heaven if I didn't follow. So Cas traded his life up for mine."
"Then how?" asks Sam, while Dean is just speechless as he feels his world crumbling.
"It said it would only take him once he finally allows himself to be happy." He pauses as they all look defeated. "Cas, I want you to be happy but.." Jack adds with tears in his eyes.
"What the hell!" Dean shouts, throwing his now empty coffee mug against the wall, shattering it in a million pieces. He storms out and Cas tries to follow him. "You leave me alone."
The kitchen is deadly silent after Dean's departure. Sam tries to wrap his head around the load of information he just received, Jack seems to deeply regret being responsible for the conversation that just happened, and Castiel feels like he's suffocating. He desperately wants to leave and get some air, but he knows he needs to talk to Dean, even if it means having to deal with the hunter's anger.
"Cas… I'm…" Jack starts.
"You don't need to apologize, Jack. I know your intentions were good." Cas reassures him.
"You should have told us before man." Sam says in a sad tone.
"I know Sam, I apologize. I couldn't seem to find the right words, or the right time. I need to talk to Dean now."
Sam nods, and pats his shoulder in a silent "good luck."
Castiel knocks on Dean's door, fully knowing that he won't get a response, and goes in. He locates the hunter on his bed right away and his heart clenches as he sees the shaky pile of covers above his body. He sits down on the edge of the bed and lays a hand on top of the covers, in what he hopes if a comforting gesture.
"Dean…" he says with a trembling voice. "Dean I'm so sorry."
He's met with silence but can't bring himself to leave as he hears the quiet sobs coming from his friend. After a few minutes, Dean's broken voice emerges from under the covers.
"Why didn't you tell me? Didn't you think I would care?"
"When things got really bad between us, it might have crossed my mind. You said I was dead to you so for a while, I thought it didn't matter. But above all, you have enough on you plate and this is my burden to carry, not yours. It shouldn't be and I didn't want you to take this as yet another mission, another thing to fix in the universe."
The hunter sits up, throwing the covers away and turns to Cas.
"Fuck. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I made you think I wouldn't be devastated if…" Dean says, with a few tears still rolling down his cheeks.
"I understand Dean. I'm sorry I keep giving you reasons to be angry at me."
"I'm not angry at you, okay? I get it. Hell, making crappy deals is almost a family tradition at this point. It's just so unfair. You gave everything up, man. You're the most loyal son of a bitch I've ever met. Your faith in God was unwavering for millennia, and then you rebelled, gave everything up for me and Sam. You're so damn loyal to Jack even when things go sideways, even if it means standing up to the rest of your family and you're the reason he's such a good kid. You just deserve so much better Cas."
He takes a deep breath and starts talking again, sounding more determined. "We're going to get rid of Chuck, one way or another. And when that's done, I'm going to rip the Empty apart. And not because it's a burden,but because there is no way in hell I'm gonna let it take you. I love you so much Cas and I'm sorry it took me so long to say it."
"I love you too." Cas replies, his eyes full of tears.
"So… what do we do now? We already wasted years 'cause I didn't want to acknowledge how I feel about you and now… "
"I think we're okay. Even if you and me… this is making me really happy right now… but Chuck is still around. You, Sam and Jack… my family is still in danger as long as he's around. So as happy as I am when I'm with you, I don't think I can be completely happy, and at peace, until you're safe from him. I realize that now. But that doesn't diminish how good you… I…"
"I get it, Cas. Me too." He whispers. Trying to lighten the atmosphere, he asks: "So I guess I can keep kissing you, right?"
"I'd like that very much." Cas replies with a smile as he leans in. Their lips touch again, and the world fades away for a moment while they focus on the present, and most importantly, on each other.
Even if their future wasn't necessarily looking bright, they were ready to fight, tooth and nail, weathering one storm at a time.
I'm happy I finished writing this before seeing the new season 15 promo because I'm speechless now!
A little comment before you leave?