Colby never did show up at the hospital. At first, it was a relief. No awkward interactions or explanations required. However, soon Shepard felt a gnawing in her gut. Why didn't he come to see her? He must've heard about the Normandy's return. Had he backed off so her former crew could fill in the space that he had temporally filled in her life? They had been friends, and now they were nothing. No calls, no messages. It bothered her how quickly it had changed.

Meanwhile, Shepard had adjusted to Kaidan's presence. His kisses now brought a familiar sense of comfort.

"I kissed someone," Shepard confessed, pausing to wait for a reply from Kaidan, but one didn't come. She peered at him as he continued to grill the steaks. Finally, he glanced up at her.

"Okay."

"Okay?" She was flabbergasted and somehow annoyed by his nonchalant response. She shouldn't have been, of course. Kaidan was definitely an even-tempered man. Some immature part of her wanted him to be jealous and to act like a possessive high school boyfriend.

"Are you in a relationship?" he asked quietly.

"No!" she sputtered, an honest gut reaction.

"Do you love him? Or her?"

"No. No, I don't think so," Shepard whispered, starting to regret ever bringing up the subject. Instead of relieving her guilt, she felt even worse.

"Well then, I wish you would've had faith in me coming back, but I understand. You thought I was dead. You had the right to move on. Although I might not personally like the thought of it, I can't have a problem with that. The most important question is do you still want this? Us?"

Shepard stalled, pulling at a thread on her hoodie sleeve. "Do you want us?"

At that, Kaidan put down his hands on the counter in frustration. "Of course I do. Why else would I have tried to make things right between us after the Reapers hit? I love you. You were all I thought about while I was out there."

"You don't have a future with me."

"What are you talking about?" Kaidan snapped. His cool, collected demeanor was slowly breaking down at Shepard's revelations and cynicism.

"You want the white picket fence, the cute little house. Everything. Kids," she whispered.

"We've talked about this before. I don't care about the house or the kids. I just want to be with you."

It was exactly had Kaidan had told Shepard in bed on the SR-2 shortly after reconciling. Miranda had told her that childbirth was most likely not in her future after being resurrected. The genetic material had probably degraded during her death, or something to that effect. The cybernetics would greatly lower the chance of successfully conceiving a baby and carrying to term, and who knows how the kid would turn out. Though it wasn't the best news she'd ever received, it wasn't the shocking blow that Miranda expected it to be. Kids were never on Shepard's radar. Sure, the biological clock had been ticking, but being a soldier was all she ever wanted. She figured motherhood and being out the on the battlefield were incompatible. However, Shepard realized that Kaidan might be disappointed. He too hadn't thought children were in his future. After what happened with Rahna, he wasn't sure that he would ever get married or settle down. He also didn't want any child of his to suffer as a biotic like he had.

Kaidan and Shepard had danced around the k-word during a few conversations on the SR-1, and despite the comments he had made, Shepard could see it in his eyes that he was hopeful for a family. She saw it every time they happened to save a family or run into a lost and scared kid. So when Shepard and Kaidan had gotten back together, she decided to break her status to him as gently and nonchalantly as possible. He took it well, saying he hadn't assumed anything, but that he was sorry for her if she was sorry. She wasn't really, but when he said that, the image of the boy she tried to save in Vancouver and haunted her dreams popped into her mind. However, the conversation ended, and she abruptly erased the boy's face from the forefront of her thoughts. When Shepard thought of the future with Kaidan, she pictured the two of them saving the galaxy as Spectres, taking down criminals as a badass law enforcement duo. They'd also maintain their status as leaders in the Alliance, and hopefully they would be stationed on the Normandy. Yet there was this nagging feeling that maybe it wasn't enough, and she attributed it to the fact that despite his statements to the contrary, Kaidan would be unhappy with her.

So as Kaidan once again told her that the only thing that mattered was her, she believed that he truly felt that way. However, she wasn't going to let him sacrifice any dream of his for her. Beating the Reapers meant that everyone could now live out their lives without fear. It should be a time of achieving everything you want, not making more sacrifices.

"You say that now, but are you going to have no regrets when we're out in the field 10 years from now, doing the same thing day to day?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"Wait- what are you talking about? After all of this, you want to go back to the Alliance? I support you if you're capable, but I don't want to stand by while you run yourself further into the ground. And I'm not going back to the Alliance. Hell, I might not go back to being a Spectre. I laid out everything on the table in the war. We did what we set out to do, and I'm not some young guy anymore. I'm tired. I want to kick back on that patio with a beer and watch the sunset. I'm not going to make any rash decisions at the moment, but that's where I'm at. In the meanwhile, I'm going to my parents' orchard to see if they're okay. If you're okay with it."

Shepard bit her lip as she thought over what he said. "You're leaving?" Suddenly, she was overcome with anxiety.

"If you want me to. If you're fine with it," Kaidan sighed.

Her nerves became steel as she felt anger start to wash over her."What about the bombing? You're not going to be a part on the investigation?"

"I'm sure they can handle it without me. There are good people who can get the job done."

"You don't care about all of those people who got killed or hurt? You don't care that whoever did this is still out there." Shepard's tone went from questioning to indignant.

"Of course I care!" Kaidan snapped angrily. After a pause, his voice dropped lower."They hurt you. But I need to see if my family is alive."

"Shit, I'm sorry," Shepard apologized belatedly. Her chest tightened at Kaidan's show of vulnerability. She had been an idiot. Of course Kaidan should go see his parents. He'd been lost out there, and then he spent his only time back at her bedside, still not knowing whatever had happened to his family. "You should definitely go up there. I wish I could help you."

"I don't if that's a good idea," Kaidan replied softly, gesturing at her legs. "Plus, I'm not certain you want me around right now."

Shepard couldn't look him in the eyes, instead choosing to glance down. "I hope your mom and dad are okay." All of her fire was gone, replaced by a kind of mournful tranquility.

"Me, too." Now he was the one who couldn't take Shepard's sincere look, deciding to resume his work with dinner. The air was smoky from the still-grilling steaks. He cursed under his breath as he removed the overcooked meat. "I think I'm going to leave tomorrow."

"Sounds good."

Shepard moved towards him and began plating the salad. She carefully braced herself against the countertop as they worked in silence.

"I think when I'm gone, you should take the time to think about our relationship. If you want one, that is," Kaidan spoke after a while.

"So you want a break," Shepard stated bluntly.

"It looks like that's what we need. I don't want it, but I don't honestly know what to do at this point. I was ready to commit to our love, and you don't seem enthusiastic about committing to anything."

Shepard abruptly dropped her hands from what she was working on. "I can't commit to anything? I was committed to saving all of us, and I'm still committed to Earth, the galaxy, to helping people!"

"You know what I mean," he sighed. "While I'm away… just do what you need to do."

"What are you talking about?"

"Feel free to see other people."

"What?" Shepard was startled. She hadn't imagined any sort of other romantic relationships. Sure, she had kissed Colby, but things had changed. Mentally that door had closed as soon as Kaidan had appeared. What if Kaidan met someone else, someone who was better than her?

"Maybe that's you need to sort out your feelings on everything. When you died, I was living underwater, the grief constantly weighing on me. I wasn't able to function. Eventually, things got better, and I went on that date with the doctor. You know how that turned out, but I left feeling more in love with you and knowing what kind of woman I wanted in the future. I was more focused on living than mourning after."

"What does that have to do us right now?"

"The point is that I want you to have the freedom to get your affairs in order. When you came back, I shut you down. Hoizon, Mars, the Citadel. You forgave me for everything. I didn't trust you. You let me work things out for myself. You didn't push me away. I made big mistakes back then, and I'm not repeating them now. If it is meant to be, it will be. But for now, I'm going to give you the reins. It's only fair."

Shepard stuffed some of the salad in her mouth. Her eyes watered a bit. Whether it was because she started choking on her food or his words had gotten to her, she didn't know.

"Whoa, careful there," Kaidan put down his plate of food so he could place his hands on her shoulders, ready to step in if she required it.

"Uh huh," Shepard awkwardly gulped her food down. After a few rough coughs and some deep breaths, she was finally able to get out what she wanted to say. "You're being too nice to me. You didn't deserve to return to this."

Kaidan didn't have anything to say back. His arms lowered around her waist, and she instinctively molded herself to him.

"You have to message me all the time. Promise."

"Of course I will, Shepard- as long as you promise to do the same."

"I will." Shepard pressed her face into his sweater, a lame attempt at wiping away the residual tears and the slight wetness at the tip of her nose. It was comforting to be held in his arms. She reveled in the warmth. However, his imminent departure still had her blood running cold. Shepard knew there were problems, but how had it come to this?

I appreciate all of the reviews, favorites, and follows. Sorry for the wait (as always).