Chapter 13
Severus had an idea for a prank in transfigurations, when making buttons into beetles. He was so impressed with himself that he promptly made four scarab beetles and persuaded them to walk across the desk like Egyptians, as far as this was possible for beetles.
"Och, noo, I dinnae reca' that I said you cuid get creative, Mr. Prince," said Madam McGonagall. Severus beamed at her seraphically.
"Och, weel, I know yon look," sighed the transfigurations teacher. "I can only warn ye tae be judeecious aboot whatever mischief ye're planning, laddie!"
Severus achieved a look of injured innocence and wondered why his teacher sighed even harder.
"I was thinking about a plague of insects," said Severus.
"That isn't harmless, some people don't like insects," objected Lily.
"I was considering butterflies rather than beetles though," said Severus. "And I know how to summon with runes, because … well I confess it, I was ragged in ancient runes."
"You, Sev, mate?" James raised an eyebrow.
Severus shrugged.
"They resented firsties sitting in on their lessons and especially me being ahead of them, and actually, I'm more ahead of them too, because when I was first there, Belby, who's a toerag's toerag as well as being so much of a Ravenclaw he can't get his head through a door without reducing charms, told me I'd missed the last homework assignment and told me to look for a particular book in the library. Well, as it turned out, it was a piece of fourth year work, but it means I know a bit about hieroglyphs."
"Yeah, but so what?" asked Sirius, throwing the core of his apple at Severus. Severus absently pureed it with his wand and sent it back where it had come, to a yelp from Sirius.
"Don't start food fights if you can't finish them," said Severus. "It's relevant because all the formulae in ancient Egyptian tombs are about summoning thousands bread, beer and alabaster, and if you don't stop pulling faces you baboon I won't tell you what that means."
"It means you've flipped," said Sirius, rudely.
"It means if I can summon bread, beer and alabaster, I can summon anything I can get a hieroglyph for," said Severus, severely. "And though bees are easier, I can do butterflies."
"I presume there was a way of activating these summoning charms for the mummies to use in their tombs?" asked Lily. "And I did wonder if it was a rag, but I read it too, just in case it wasn't because it's not like the work is hard, even if I'm not as good at it as you."
"Yes, because I went and did the research on it," said Severus. "The ka, or double of the dead person, oh for goodness sake! Do you want to accept what I say, James, or do you need me to tell you that the Egyptians believed that a dead soul had three parts?"
"Does it matter?"
"Not to the rest of you types, no," said Severus. "Just assume it's a matter of chanting them and I'll have to teach you all what to chant, and sort of attach it to the receptacles we're going to deface with hieroglyphs, which I thought could be the soup tureens."
"Oh so we have it happen on each table? We have Cissy and Cherry, but no Ravers," said Sirius.
"I was going to get Belby to activate it, actually," said Severus.
"He's not hardly likely to do that for the asking," snorted Sirius.
"No, but will he be able to resist showing off that he also read ahead and can read hieroglyphs," said Severus.
"Sev, mate, that's actually brilliant," said James. Severus beamed.
"I was moderately pleased with it myself," he said. "I'm just hoping as the junior end is nearest the staff table it will be enough to activate their tureen."
"Oh well, if it doesn't, it will be fun anyway," said Peter.
"Do I have to be loud? I won't half be ragged by my class if they know it's me," said Charity.
"No, whispering under your breath is fine," said Severus. "Equally for Miss Black," he bowed to Narcissa.
"I know how to activate the staff table one," said Narcissa. "Though why I'm involving myself in a childish prank I don't know."
"Because Lucius Malfoy is the only person in the world who has a phobia about butterflies, that's why," said Severus. "I saw him exploding them in the garden and when Madam Sprout ticked him off, he said they gave him the creeps."
"Well that makes sense then," said Narcissa. "You want a tricky little combination of spells; sonorous which projects your voice, and a directional control and limiting spell to aim it just where you want, and you'd better learn to cast it wandlessly too, or the staff will be on you for pointing wand at them. The incantation is 'directio specificans sub perimeter eight feet' or whatever the distance is."
"Neat," said Severus. "I need to practise that."
"How are we going to put runes on the tureens, and won't the butterflies drown in the soup?" asked Lily.
"They won't because we only activate the runes when the lid is lifted off to reveal them," said Severus. "And we do it with muggle nail varnish and I wrote to your mum to ask her to get us some, for marking our names on kit, which is what muggles do on bikes and camping gear and stuff. And she sent me some in bright red and some in pale pink for marking darker things, so we're all good. And I already talked to the elves in the kitchen, and they're up for it so long as the varnish comes off, which it will because your mum sent me some nail varnish remover as well in case of accidents, because she's brainy like that, and so long as the soup isn't harmed, which it won't be, because the butterflies will generate above the surface of it, and be repelled upwards. I didn't think we wanted thousands so I worked out a summoning for six hundred."
"Oh, right, I might have known you'd have thought it through, Sev," said Lily.
"You know, Sev, being a smart arse isn't always an attractive trait," said James.
"I'm glad he's a smart arse," said Remus, quietly, fingering his amulet.
"Yeah, Remus mate, there is that," said James. "I'd laugh if he got something wrong and ended up in neck-deep …whatever that Greek word is for overreaching yourself royally."
"I think you mean hubris," said Narcissa.
"That's the bunny," agreed James. "So when are we going to do it?"
"Lily and Remus and I need to paint the tureens, and then it'll be the next meal when we have soup," said Severus. "At least, so long as you lot can hold the chant to activate them."
"So long as you put it in English writing so we don't have to read bird-bird-squiggle-tree-feather or whatever it is," said Sirius.
"Relax, I have a transliteration of it," said Severus.
"And who needs a dicker when Sev has swallowed one and knows what we need."
"I didn't know hubris," Severus said, mildly. "It's a new one for me. I thought you meant Nemesis."
"That's the bloke who pursues you when your sins find you out," said James.
Severus rolled his eyes.
"Close enough, I suppose," he said.
Severus and Lily went to the kitchen, Remus having felt he couldn't copy hieroglyphs well enough yet, though he had the chant off pat. The tureens were waiting for them.
"And if you can't get the marks off after, Mister Severus, you won't get any more desserts for the rest of your life!" squeaked the head kitchen house elf.
"It'll be fine," said Severus. "Here's the cleaning fluid, and Lily and I will clean them off tonight, if we don't have a massive detention because of it."
"Don't let anyone touch it, it's quite nasty stuff," said Lily. "I don't know whether it might hurt elves."
"But it will wash off and be harmless," added Severus. "Lily, I thought we'd pour the varnish out into plates we make out of kitchen foil, and draw with cocktail sticks."
Lily nodded.
"That makes sense. Will they need wand work to get them ready?"
"Probably. I can just touch wand to them though to get them prepared, the scribes didn't use wands in the tombs, the priests set them up when the artists and scribes left."
"Right. Is 'a voice offering to the spirit of the high wizard' what sets them up for being activated by chanting?"
"Yes, as you know it would normally be a voice offering in the name of Wennenefer, or Osiris as he's generally known, to the spirit of the recipient, and I hope it'll work well enough as he does have a spirit, just embodied."
"Now you tell me it might not work?"
"Hush! It'll work. I managed to get it to summon daisies from a piece of paper for me."
"Oh, that's okay then," Lily grinned at him.
Severus had kept the summoning spell as short as possible as drawing hieroglyphs was a painstaking business at the best of times.
"Peret kherw en-ka-en hkay em khh sa-aa sen-dunh." Severus nodded in satisfaction. It had needed a bit of research but he was sure it would work.
And then he remembered that he would need to do the small tureen for Lucius Malfoy; doubtless Narcissa would be pleased to activate that from a distance. They had already agreed that she and Charity were not to own up if the headmaster called for it, being isolated in their houses.
Dinner was served!
And the big tureens of soup had the lids removed for servings to be made. Severus left his friends chanting under their breaths as he pointed and whispered,
"Sonorous directio specificans sub perimeter twelve feet," he guessed, and then chanted the phrase. There were ejaculations of surprise all around, and the tureen in front of the headmaster suddenly erupted with butterflies.
"Bless my soul!" said Dumbledore.
"More a blessing to your spirit, headmaster," said Bathsheba Babbling, leaning over and reading the runes. "Kiss-wings? An ingenious way of describing butterflies. Most original."
"Yes, but I want my soup," said Dumbledore, plaintively.
"I'm afraid you will have to wait for the emergence of several hundred butterflies, and then you can get at it," said Madam Babbling.
"The soup will be quite edible, I hope?" asked Dumbledore.
"Oh yes, headmaster," Madam Babbling assured him.
Dumbledore cast his own sonorous spell.
"Pray do not be alarmed," he said. "The butterflies will dissipate in their own good time and the soup beneath is unharmed. A little patience is required, Mr. Malfoy, there is no need for you to be behaving like a moppet on a hornet nest. Dear me, what have the Ravenclaws got instead of butterflies?"
"Oh dear what has that idiot Belby done?" groaned Severus. "Oh, he's only gone and translated in his mind too literally." Ravenclaw's table was being menaced by winged lips fluttering around kissing the unfortunate Ravenclaws. "Oh that's even more priceless than Malfoy having hysterics like a little girl," Severus added. He was convulsed in laughter.
Most of the rest of the school, when over the initial shock, were laughing at Malfoy cowering under his table, and at the Ravenclaws being well bussed.
"Who is the author of this … decorative prank?" asked Dumbledore, as he helped himself to soup once the butterflies had fluttered off.
The Gryffindor Marauders rose as a body.
"Well well! Enterprising industry in a very under-used academic study," said Dumbledore. "Dear me, I am not sure whether to dock points for a prank or add them for the entertainment. What went wrong with Ravenclaw's butterflies?"
"I made a miscalculation and assumed that Belby had more than two braincells to rub together," said Severus in disgust. "I thought he'd work out butterflies from kiss-wings, but apparently he's not a scholar and just barks at print. I knew he wouldn't be able to resist showing off to his girlfriend that he can read hieroglyphs," he added.
"Dear me! How unfortunate that Mr. Belby does not live up to your expectations. It appears that the rune-readers on the other tables have managed to make the logical leap. How did you er, activate the staff table?"
"Remote chanting, sir," said Severus. "I nearly split my tongue in half and twisted my fingers in knots casting the wretched distance speaking spell wandlessly."
"My goodness, a man of many talents!" said the headmaster. "Well, I don't think it warrants any loss of points, but you children are on your honour to help the elves remove your, er, runic embellishments."
"Sir, we already promised them that we would," said Severus.
"Don't tell him that, he'll add something else," hissed James.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.
"Well then, you have had the forethought to devise your own consequences," he said, and sat down.
Horace Slughorn had dismissed the butterflies menacing Malfoy, and Flitwick had done likewise with the winged lips around his Ravenclaws, and the other butterflies fluttered about the great hall until they dissipated of their own accord. It was a cheerful and summery sight on a grey and dismal day, and most people were cheered up accordingly, laughing and chatting about the audacity of the Marauders.
It may be said that both Charity Burbage and Narcissa Malfoy joined the other to help clean the tureens after dinner and the others appreciated their sense of honour.