Author's note: With this chapter, the rating of this story has been changed from "T" to "M."
Colby returned to the bed and climbed over her, capturing Shepard's lips in another searing kiss. She didn't return it at first, so he halted for a second. "You okay?" he whispered against her ear.
"Yeah." Shepard reached up to kiss him, grabbing him by the neck and dragging him down against her. His hands roamed her body while she kept his lips firmly on hers, opening her mouth so they could resume exploring each other. Shepard felt herself grow slick, and then Colby pulled her up into sitting position. Shepard dropped her arms, realizing that Colby was getting up to take off his shirt and pants. She was almost too shy to watch him undress. He was tall and almost scrawny, though lean muscles were also quite visible. She blushed when she realized he was staring at her.
Shepard took that as her cue to take off her shirt, ready to rid herself of the unsexy garment, though she was still clad in her bra. Colby came back to her, his hands eager to slip under the cups while his mouth kissed the skin over her breastbone. That was short-lived, as he backed away to help her roll her pants off. Though she typically had no qualms about showing her legs, she was scared in this sort of situation. Colby, however, eased her fears, tracing his hands lightly over the metal even though she couldn't really register his touch. He slowly worked his way up her body, Shepard occasionally reaching lower enough to grasp his erection. When Colby slid underneath her to undo her bra latch, she flinched unconsciously. He frowned and stopped what he was doing.
There was only so much separating them from the inevitable at this point. She was nearly naked and chilly, and now she had cold feet. His long, thin, rough fingers used to holding a sniper rifle were foreign to her. At first, she had responded to the unfamiliar touch, eager to feel the pleasure. As time went on, the cold, hard reality had seeped into her. Yes, she might want this, but not like this. It wasn't fair to anybody.
"Stop, stop," Shepard cried, reaching out to hold him by the shoulders. "I can't."
Colby immediately rolled over to the side. "Are you okay? Did I-''
"No, no, I just can't, I can't." She sighed. "I'm sorry."
The two of them sat in bed silently, a wide gap between them until Colby gently rested his hand on her arm. "Hey, let's get some sleep, yeah?"
"Sure." She smiled, glad to see no resentment apparent. With that, Colby pulled up the sheets over them, and she turned to wrap them up and around her shoulders, choosing to face away from him as she fell asleep.
The sheets were silky, the synthetic microfiber that she liked to run her skin against. Shepard was bare, cuddling against the soft fabric. A smile on her face, she opened her eyes. The stars were above her. For a moment, she was left breathless, but a hand low on her hip brought her back to reality. The hand was warm and slightly rough from calluses. Shepard rolled over in that direction and was welcomed by a devouring kiss. She closed her eyes and smirked against the fuller lips as her mouth burned a bit from the stubble prickling at her sensitive skin. Shepard rested a hand on his chest, letting the other hold the back of his head, forcing their kiss to be deeper. His hand dipped to her inner thigh, gently tracing circles on the delicate flesh. She moaned into his mouth, wanting him to go further. His other hand drifted to her breasts, grasping one and rolling a nipple between his fingers. She responded in kind by dropping her hand lower, testing his hardness. She was pleased with what she found and wrapped her hand around him, causing him to gasp. Shepard opened her eyes, and he pulled her on top of him, Kaidan's warm brown eyes poring over her reverently-
Shepard woke up frustrated, the dream still washing over her. There was a split-second in which she thought it was real, or that parts of it might be real. She turned over in the sheets toward the source of warmth, but her heart dropped when she finally came to her senses. The sheets weren't the ones from the Normandy, and daylight was gleaming over the bed. The sheets also weren't the crisp, scratchy ones from her rehab facility. No, the bedding was a gray flannel. The man tucked in to her left also wasn't the man of her dream. Shepard almost groaned aloud before burying her face in the pillow, not wanting to wake up her bedmate.
Analyzing the situation like she would a plan of attack, Shepard slowly escaped the confines of the bed, moving as stealthily as would on the battlefield. She started picking up her articles of clothing from the previous night off of the floor, carefully tiptoeing around as she did so. Pulling down Colby's loaner shirt over her head, she gave one last glance at him.
To say goodbye or not to? It seemed like bad form to slip out in the morning like nothing happened. Shepard stepped to his side of the bed and hovered over him, working up the courage to wake him. Her nerves got the better of her, so she went for the door; as Shepard's hand clutched the knob, Colby called out to her, causing her to startle.
"Goodbye, Shepard." Colby was propped up on his elbows, his look unreadable.
"How long have you been awake?" Shepard snapped her mouth shut, embarrassed by how squeaky her voice came out.
"A while."
Shepard didn't have much to follow up with, and Colby was cryptic. Was he hurt she was going to leave like that, or about last night, or did he not care at all? Shepard bit her lip and gestured to the front door. "I'm going to head out. Thanks… '' She lost her train of thought, her mind unintentionally flashing back to the events of the previous night.
"Yeah." His response was clipped.
Shepard thought about exiting like that, but she was reluctant to leave things that way. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lead you on, not that I wouldn't want to be with you if things were different now, and I care about you, but shit, I'm really messing this up, aren't I?"
Colby laughed, but then he stayed quiet. Shepard stood there awkwardly, waiting for his next move; when one didn't come, she took the initiative. "Friends?"
"Maybe we should take some time apart, yeah?" Her face fell. "But sure, friends."
"Great, I'd like that." Shepard hesitated before stalking toward him and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for everything. I mean it."
Colby nodded, though his mouth was set in a firm line. "No problem, Shep."
Shepard left Colby's place. Though he seemed crestfallen as she walked out the door, she couldn't help feeling lighter as she departed his apartment. She had a much clearer idea of what she wanted, even if she wasn't sure how to get there.
Kaidan arrived at Shepard's physical rehab facility the night he had left the orchard. He hadn't had time to repair his omni-tool on the way over, but it didn't matter because now he was here. Kaidan had to go in through the back entrance as the front remained covered in yellow tape cornering off the crime scene, plus there were reporters swarming the place. He thought he almost ran into a woman resembling Diana Allers, but Kaidan nimbly dodged past her on the way to the lobby. The receptionists were all busy dealing with people from the press and concerned residents, so he escorted himself to her room.
When Shepard didn't open the door or respond after several sturdy knocks, he peaked through the crack in the door and noted that her room was dark. It was also completely silent. She wasn't there. The clock on the vid screen playing the news in the hallway read that it was midnight. Was she asleep? Doubtful. Kaidan had trouble believing she would be able to fall asleep so easily after Joker's death. He told himself that she was probably out at a bar or something. He didn't like to think of the alternative - that she was out there going rogue, trying to take down the assassin solo.
Kaidan thought about calling his dad to let him know he had arrived in Vancouver, but the late hour made him reconsider it. There was a hotel a block or two away where he could crash, or he could head to his parents' city house. Neither option really called out to him. He slunk down into one of the softer sofas in the lobby area, deciding to rest his eyes for a while. Maybe Shepard would be back in an hour or two.
Of course, she wasn't. Kaidan drifted in and out of consciousness, always awaking with a startled jump and a quick observation of the time. The next thing he knew, sunlight was pouring in. It was still rather early, based on the lack of people around. If it wasn't for the complete quietness of the room, Kaidan probably wouldn't have noticed Shepard sneak into the lobby through the back on her way to her room.
Her hair was bright red again. If he didn't know better, he'd think she was the Shepard of a year ago. "Shepard!"
Shepard didn't immediately stop and turn around, and Kaidan thought maybe she didn't hear or was avoiding him. He moved to try to catch up with her.
"Shep!"
She stopped and toward him, though it seemed she did so reluctantly. The first thing he noticed looking at her was her weary appearance. "Hey, Kaidan."
Not sure what was the best way to go, Kaidan hugged her, pressing her into him, his fingers reaching to the back of head, tangling in her fiery locks. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "I came here as soon as I heard," he whispered.
Shepard remained quiet and clutched at him.
"How are you holding up?"
She sighed, burying her face into his shoulder.
"Where were you?"
When Shepard didn't respond again, Kaidan untangled himself from her, though he still kept her arms in his grasp. Now that he had time to really study her, he noticed she was in some rather ill-fitting men's clothes, and there were a few smears of grime on her skin. He could feel his heart drop. Of course she hadn't been out drinking with friends at a bar. It had just been a foolish hope. Kaidan's mind raced through the possibilities, and at the top of the list were murder, and guessing by the strange clothes, sex. The thought of it started to trigger the onset symptoms of a migraine.
"We'll talk about this in your room?" It wasn't so much of a question than a demand. Kaidan was afraid she was going to bolt, judging by her wide eyes. Luckily, Shepard merely nodded and led him to the room.
Once inside, Shepard closed the door and stood there stiffly. What were they supposed to do now? She wished she could just strip out of her clothes. Technically, she could, but it didn't feel like an appropriate time. Kaidan gestured to her bed, and she frowned.
"Just sit," he sighed, sitting down in her desk chair. She climbed atop of her bed, and he scooted the chair closer to her.
"What happened?"
Shepard could see more grey hairs threaded through his hair. The thought of it bothered her. Time was slipping by. Were they stress-related? Had she helped cause this? The wrinkles around the corners of his eyes hadn't deepened. In fact, he appeared younger, but upon closer inspection, she concluded that it was probably from his darker skin tone. Out of space and in the sun had apparently done him favors. Kaidan peeled off his jacket, and she caught a glimpse of his toned arms. Shepard snapped out of it when she raised her gaze to meet him. He was frowning at her.
"Liara told me that the gun traced back to a member of the BRM. So I paid a visit to their cell," Shepard whispered, lowering her head so she didn't have to see his reaction.
"Shepard." Her name fell from his lips with such disappointment that it stung. "Why didn't you just let the Alliance or the police handle it?"
"Ha, as if they could do anything about it. You know how they are now!" She crossed her arms defensively.
"Maybe, but that doesn't make it your-," Kaidan stopped himself. Shepard could tell he was trying to compose himself, obviously frustrated by her. "Fine. How did it go?"
Shepard stared out of the window. "Not great."
Kaidan didn't ask any follow up questions. She turned back toward him. He was staring at her intently, but his face was carefully blank. Shepard took a deep breath and gathered up the courage to tell him everything.
"They attacked us as soon we arrived. It was bad. I'm not sure if any of them made it out alive. We found the suspect, though. But it seems like he didn't do it. Either that or he's a really good liar, but I don't think so. Now I'm back to square one. Joker is dead, and there's someone out there who did this, who killed all of those people at the coffee shop, and it's all because of me. And I can't stop it," her voice broke.
All of a sudden, she felt Kaidan's arms around her, bringing her close to his chest. "This is not your fault, okay?"
She nodded and pressed her face into the crook of his neck, smiling when she noticed he still smelled like that cologne she gave him for this birthday on the SR-1. Ashley had told her about his birthday at the last moment, and Shepard had panicked and decided to buy something for him, receiving some help from Ashley in picking out a woodsy, whiskey-infused scent. Of course, when the Normandy had gone down, that particular bottle was lost, but Kaidan surprised her when he joined her on the SR-2; he had gone out and bought some for himself apparently. It brought back memories.
"Who did you take with you?" Kaidan's question snapped her out of her reminiscing.
"Colby- my old bodyguard." Shepard tried to keep her face as impassive as possible.
"That lieutenant from when you were a councilor? The one in the bombing?"
"Yes, him." She fidgeted, waiting to see if he would press her further.
"That's the guy who kissed you, right?"
Shepard winced. Damn it, she hated how Kaidan could always read her.
"I'll take that as a yes."
She nodded but avoided his gaze.
"When did you go over there?"
"Late last night."
"Okay, well, morning now… where did you go? Did you let the Alliance know what happened?"
"No, alright! I didn't. I knew that everything got fucked up. I stayed at Colby's place." Shepard rested her face in her hands.
"I see." Two words with a lot unsaid, judging by his tone.
She was afraid to see what his reaction was, but she was aware that they needed to address this head on. "I know it looks bad, but- "
"I don't what to hear," he interrupted. Shepard let her hands fall away. Kaidan seemed tired and even a bit lifeless. He had looked like shit when she first spied him slouched on the sofa in the lobby this morning, but it was worse now. She wanted to get up and grab him by the shoulders, give him a shake. She wanted his skin to light up in that shade of blue. She wanted to him to do something, say something, anything.
"I understand, but if you'd let me explain everything, maybe it'd be better."
Kaidan ignored her and avoided catching her eye. "It's been a long day. I should probably head to my parents' place, make sure I have everything for his service…"
He rose from her desk chair and started for the door. Shepard reacted by springing up from her bed and grasping his hand. She tried to not sound too pleading. "Please stay."
At that moment, her omni-tool on her wrist went off. It wouldn't stop vibrating. Shepard glanced down at it. Hackett.
"You should probably get that, Shepard. Seems they've figured out what happened with the BRM."
She closed her eyes firmly and exhaled. He was right. She still didn't let go of his hand.
"I'll be around, Shep." Kaidan squeezed her hand and glimpsed down at her. It was a relief to see him actually look at her, so she let him go. He walked out of her room, leaving her alone with a call that was certainly not going to go well.