Just to be super careful, trigger/content warning for this chapter. Scroll all the way down to the bottom for specifics - it's in bold. In other news, this chapter is just a little snippet before the next action-packed one :)

Thanks everyone!

The room's attention was drawn to Liara, though Shepard's gaze was glued to her hands. Shepard had spoken with Liara when she answered the door, whispering details about the last 24 hours and getting the latest intel. At Shepard's request, Liara agreed to lead the discussion.

"How much do you all know about the attack on Shepard and Joker? Did you read the dossier I sent?" Liara inquired.

Everyone nodded their heads diligently.

"So the weapon used in the attack was traced back to a batarian associated with the Batarian Resistance Movement. I believe this most recent attack is related to the bombing of the coffee shop, with Shepard being the intended target. However, Shepard has survived, though there have been casualties. For obvious reasons, we must find who is behind these assassination attempts before they strike again."

"Damn straight," James muttered under his breath.

"So it's those batarians, right?" Jack interjected.

Miranda huffed. "I think the situation is slightly more complex. Whoever is behind this either is incompetent or has a different objective because Shepard is still amongst the living."

"The attacks might be more complicated than they appear, yes, and it is doubtful that the BRM was actually behind the bombing or the shooting. The weapon has since been traced back to a pawn shop. The Alliance investigated it, but the owner has not been found, and video surveillance from the last week appears to have been erased."

"That's convenient," Kaidan sighed.

"Doesn't mean it wasn't the batarians." James took a swig of beer and then pointed the bottle at Shepard. "Those pendejos got it out for you."

"No, like I said, we doubt it." Liara paused. "The news has been kept tightly controlled, but there was a raid on the city's BRM compound last night, and then-"

"Liara," Shepard interrupted. She didn't want to lie to her friends. Shepard had trusted them with her life, and they had done the same. If they were going to help her out, they deserved the whole picture.

"They denied all involvement, and many are deceased-" Liara continued.

"Liara, it's okay." Shepard stared at her. Liara looked a little abashed, but she acquiesced, keeping silent. "I raided the BRM cell last night."

Liara and Kaidan had no reaction, already aware of the events, but James let go of his bottle. Miranda's face went white, while Jack just went, "Hmm."

"Shit." James picked up his beer up off the carpet, but it had already spilled.

"Let me if I can find something to clean that up." Kaidan got up as James did too, gesturing for him to sit back down. "I'll be right back."

Shepard remained silent as Kaidan left, allowing a few seconds for her to gather her thoughts. "I went in to ask them questions about the shooting. They instantly attacked us, and the suspect tried to escape. I was able to speak with him. Don't get me wrong, they did want to kill me, but I don't think they were behind the attacks."

"So the Alliance went in with you?" James asked.

"No, Shepard's retired." Jack rolled her eyes. "Remember?"

"Are the Spectres and the council involved then?" Miranda raised an eyebrow. "Seems reckless. I'm surprised Alenko would participate-"

"He didn't. No Alliance, no Spectres. Just me."

"But you said `they attacked us`?"

"I think what Shepard was trying to say-" Liara attempted to help.

"You're right." Shepard butted in, rubbing at the tension currently plaguing her temples. "I wasn't alone. I asked someone to help me."

"You didn't ask any of us?" James chipped in.

"You guys weren't exactly available!" She didn't mean to shout, but it came out sharp.

"All you had to do is call, or I don't know, fucking wait for us, and we would've dropped all of our shit to help you out." Jack's words were harsh, but Shepard knew there was compassion behind them. Still, she kept quiet, not sure what to say.

"You knew we would be disapproving," Miranda remarked. "That's why she didn't ask us."

Shepard dropped her head, knowing she was right on the money.

"So you took him, didn't you?" Miranda appeared bemused. "I suppose the cards were on the table, so to speak."

"Who?" James and Jack asked at the same time. Liara, meanwhile, suddenly became very interested in clearing up the empty bottles and trash.

"I-I don't know who you're talking about." She had protected Colby's identity from Admiral Hackett, and if she could get away with doing it here, she would.

"Oh, I think you do. He was my patient, too." Miranda was completely oblivious to Shepard's discomfort, or she thought it was merely fun teasing.

"Miranda…" Shepard tried to cut her off, a blush rising on her cheeks. "He's a soldier, it made sense, and I trust him-"

"You have a thing for lieutenants, don't you?"

"Enough," Kaidan snapped, shutting up both Shepard and Miranda. He had returned with a rag and some cleaning solution, handing them over to James, who was sitting there with his mouth ajar. Rather than going back to his chair, Kaidan stood up against the window, his arms crossed and expression stormy.

"Right," Miranda murmured. "I apologize."

Shepard was angry at her friend, but she wanted to move on. "It's fine. Let's focus on what's important. Liara?"

"As I was saying, our theory is that the BRM is not involved. Without much else to go on, I've run some information through the system this past week, trying to see who would want to kill Shepard, and who has access to the type of explosives used in the bombing. There have been several matches, and I've given them to the authorities or researched them further myself. So far, nothing. However, I think it might be worthwhile to pay a visit to some of them."

"Isn't that what Girl Scout did with the batarians and ended up shootin' them all?" Jack looked confused.

"Uh, yes, I suppose," Liara stumbled. "But we just want to talk to them. Perhaps Shepard and anyone else recognizable should stay back."

Everyone jumped in to volunteer, but Shepard shushed them. "Alenko, Vega, you can't. Your faces have been plastered all over since the war. It's been a while, but not long enough for people to forget the war heroes who were stranded on the Normandy. You can stay here with Liara and me."

"So that leaves…" Miranda trailed off.

"Me and you, princess." Jack slammed her beer bottle down on the table. "Fine. Let's go."

Miranda sighed. "While I cannot wait to work with you in the field again, if you looked outside, you might be able to tell that it's nearly midnight."

"Miranda's right," Shepard yawned. "Let's reconvene in the morning."

"I'm going to head home for the night. I will see you all then." Liara gathered up her belongings and said goodbye to everyone, leaving Jack, Miranda, and James with Shepard and Kaidan.

"If you want, you guys can crash here tonight," Kaidan offered as he started cleaning up the room and shutting off the lights.

"Hey, man, that would be great, thanks!" James pulled him in for one of his patented sideways bro hugs, which Kaidan awkwardly returned.

"You and Jack okay sharing?" Jack's eyes narrowed at Kaidan. "I'm going to take that as a yes?"

"May I stay as well? I have a hotel room booked in the city, but if we're going to meet in the morning anyway…" Miranda asked.

"Sure, no problem." Shepard could see Kaidan's wheels turning. "Jack and Vega can have the master, and you can have my old room, just let me clear it out."

Kaidan retreated to his room, but Shepard followed him. He was already stripping the bed and changing the sheets when she got there. "If Miranda's sleeping here, where are you going to?" she asked quietly.

"I'll sleep on the couch in the living room," he grunted as he fussed with the bedding.

"It's your house. I'm the one who invited everyone over. You deserve to sleep in your bed." Kaidan didn't reply. "I'll sleep on the couch."

Shepard had already turned on her heels and was going to march out to defiantly take her spot in the living room, but Kaidan reached for her shoulder. "Wait. You can't sleep on the couch."

"Why? Because it will look weird? News flash, it will if you sleep on the couch, too."

"Fine."

"Fine, then. You can share my room?"

Kaidan seemed wary, but it was too late for them to be stuck at an impasse. Kaidan got everyone setup for the night, while Shepard settled in. She was nearly asleep by the time he returned to her room, dressed in pajama pants and a T-shirt, his hair wet and slicked back from the shower. Shepard considered feigning sleep, but he was opening up the closet and rustling things around.

"What are you doing?" she whispered.

"Getting a comforter and a mat or something," Kaidan whispered back.

"Are you sleeping on the floor?" Maybe if it wasn't so dark in there, he'd notice Shepard was glaring at him. "Get up here."

Shepard slapped the top of the bed, but all she heard back was his sigh. "We can sleep on completely separate sides, no touching, if that makes you happy," she spoke softly. The thought that Kaidan couldn't stand to be so close to her made her stomach drop, but if they were going to fix things, she needed to tread carefully.

"You know that doesn't make me happy." He closed up the closet, and Shepard was relieved, believing he was going to come join her. However, she saw him crouch down and begin to assemble a makeshift sleeping area on the floor.

Shepard threw herself back on the pillows. She shouldn't be surprised. Kaidan's stubborn nature hadn't improved much over the years, despite his best efforts.

Kaidan turned off the lights suddenly, and complete darkness washed over the room. Shepard's heart raced, and she shut her eyes. Everything was fine, Kaidan just turned off the lights. She wasn't blind, she wasn't dead. Ever since the Normandy had gone down, she'd been afraid of total darkness. It reminded her of death. She knew it was illogical, but her body reacted without thinking. The fear was never one she had to admit to before because the ship always had some sort of light on, but here on Earth in this strange house, there was no control over it.

"Are you okay?" Kaidan's voice caused her to open up. Luckily, she had adjusted to the lighting and now noticed a faint glow coming from underneath the door crack. She must've let out some sort of noise to give her away.

"Yeah," she mumbled. Honesty. Honesty. "I don't like the dark."

Kaidan cursed under his breath. "Do you need me to get a night light or something?"

"No, I'm alright now." She kept her gaze locked on the faint trail of light.

"Let me know if you need anything," he murmured. "Good night."

"Good night, Kaidan."

Shepard rolled over and tried to get comfortable, but her mind was running a mile a minute. Based on the sounds she heard coming from the floor, Kaidan was also restless.

"You know, Joker would still be alive if I had died after I fired the Crucible. Those people in the café, too. And those batarians," she laughed bitterly. "How many people are going to get caught in the crossfire?"

"Shepard, how many times have we all said this? It isn't your fault." She had guessed correctly; Kaidan hadn't fallen asleep.

"I know," Shepard whispered.

They both fell silent. It wasn't until several minutes later that Shepard spoke again. "Sometimes I think the universe is just trying to right itself. There were so many times that I should've died. Or stayed dead, really. It keeps trying and trying, but I won't go, and it'll go on forever until I do. Maybe I should let it have me."

"No." He repeated more emphatically, "No. What are you even talking about?"

"Letting it happen. Dying once and for all. I got the Reapers. Mission accomplished. I wasn't supposed to live, and it's becoming more and more apparent."

"Are you talking about killing yourself?" Kaidan's voice rose.

"I wouldn't kill myself. Maybe I wouldn't be as aware of my surroundings, or I wouldn't dodge a bullet as fast as I should, or I wouldn't keep pressure on a wound. Let things go. Quit forcing myself to deny the inevitable."

Kaidan sat up, his shadowy form barely visible. "Shep."

The intensity with which he said her name caused her chest to tighten. "Forget it. It's just something I think about at night."

The mattress dipped, startling Shepard, but it was only Kaidan getting onto the bed. "The floor's hard."

"I bet."

Kaidan settled in next to her, but he kept a respectful distance between them. Shepard instantly reveled in the warmth he brought. His body temp ran higher because of his biotics, something she didn't mind at all because her limbs were frequently as cold as ice. 'You scare me."

"Don't worry about it. I'm not going to do anything. It's silly stuff that runs through my brain." She was embarrassed by her confession now.

He put a hand of her arm. "It's not silly. You should talk to someone."

The contact had felt like a victory of sorts despite her dark train of thought, but now she pulled away from his touch. He was right. She had needed someone. He hadn't been there though, and he might not be there for her in the future. "I'll keep it in mind. We should get some sleep."

"Alright." Kaidan sounded defeated. The two turned to face away from each other, both hugging the edges of the mattress. Shepard was secretly pleased that he didn't go back to the floor, despite the unnerving pillow talk they had. Surprisingly, she fell asleep only minutes later.

TW: suicidal thoughts