look into your eyes (and the sky's the limit)

by withnorthernlights

[tsukkiyama] Diagnosis: seireiheiki. Cause: unrequited love. He really should have seen this one coming. / or: the star tears tsukkiyama au absolutely no one asked for. pining!yams and the slowest burn you've ever seen. originally written for #tskymweek2020 on twitter.

A/N: originally written for tsukkiyama week 2020 day 5 on twitter, but i forgot to post it here on time. whoops.

**TW: slight mentions of eating disorders, self harm, and suicide.

really long author's note ahh. so the star tears au is really similar to hanahaki in that it's another japanese folklore disease that happens as a result of one-sided love. i picked this one instead of hanahaki (even though hanahaki is literally a prompt for tkym week day 5 lol) because i feel like the stars matched tkym a lot better, and this trope needs way more works. i couldn't find an official romanization of the japanese name for it (星涙病), but i believe that "seireiheiki" is an acceptable pronunciation. please feel free to drop a comment if you know of an actual name for it please! if not, help me make seireiheiki more popular! there'll be more of a description of what star tears are in the fic itself if you're still confused, so just keep reading :).

one last thing: i usually don't like when tsukishima is narrated as "tsukki", but since this fic is mainly yams-centric, i felt like it was appropriate, since he'd probably refer to tsukishima as "tsukki" in his thoughts. that's all, but more notes at the end. un-beta-ed. happy reading :)!

(title from the lyrics of "helpless" by lin manuel miranda (in the hamilton musical))

•

They walk together. They always have. It's just the way things are, the way they've always been, and he's not going to be the one to complain. "Good morning, Tsukki!" he says brightly, smiling, glowing. Tsukki spares him a glance, eyes softening slightly at the corners, and inclines his head for a brief moment before pushing himself off the stone wall he's leaned against. There isn't a Good morning, Yamaguchi! waiting for him in return, and even if there were, there's no way there would be an exclamation mark at the end of it. But Yamaguchi is okay with this. He is okay with the fact that Tsukki doesn't look at him as they start walking to school because he knows Yamaguchi will follow behind. He is okay with the fact that even though they always trek the same path to school every day, Tsukki never speaks more than a few well-meaning hums of assent or disagreement. He is okay with the fact that even though Tsukki's always cold, he would never ever reach out for his hand, despite it being right there .

Yamaguchi is okay with all of this.

He's more than okay, actually, because he knows that this is Tsukki trying his best. This is Tsukki giving his all. Yamaguchi knows that even though Tsukki's ears are cold, tips turning pink in the brisk morning wind, he still slides off his bulky headphones as soon as Yamaguchi arrives, leaving them slung casually around his neck. Yamaguchi knows that Tsukki likes to hear him talk, actually listens to the things he says, even if he himself isn't really paying attention to what he's rambling on about. And most of all, Yamaguchi knows just as much as Tsukki does that he'd follow him to school every day for the rest of their lives––he'd follow Tsukki to the ends of the Earth if he asked (he wouldn't ask). To be completely honest, Yamaguchi considers himself to be quite lucky. Tsukki is very particular about the company he keeps, and there aren't very many people he's willing to be around daily. Just getting to be with him, getting free reign to talk about whatever he wants and stopping to pet the cat three blocks away from Karasuno and gawking at the sakura blossoms when it's their time to bloom––that's enough for him right now. He gets to be with Tsukki, so he is okay.

Even though he takes off his headphones, Tsukki's eyes are pinned forwards, head held up but gaze tilted slightly down, as if he's a few centimeters taller than the rest of the world (he is). Yamaguchi considers this to be a stroke of good fortune too. He thanks Tsukki's perpetual aloofness and takes the opportunity every morning to stare at Tsukki in the seventeen minutes it takes to walk to school (twelve if they're rushing). While endless words spew out of his mouth about everything that's happened since since they last saw each other at practice the previous night, he keeps his eyes trained on Tsukki's hair, his eyes, the slope of his nose and the curve of his lips, the way he's left the top button of his school uniform undone, with the collars folded down crisply. Yamaguchi wants to button that button and pat down that one little tuft of blond hair and adjust Tsukki's glasses that never actually need adjusting. He wants to do all of these things, wants to brush the pads of his fingertips over Tsukki's pale, perfect skin so badly that the ache seeps into his chest and tightens it until he almost can't breathe. Instead, he talks faster, speeds up his walking pace until he's almost in front of Tsukki, trying to squeeze out whatever he can from this little interaction because it's all he'll have to hold off until lunchtime when they get to be alone together again.

"Yamaguchi."

He's progressed to talking about a new movie that came out––a documentary, actually––that he just knows Tsukki will love, and that they should totally go see it together this weekend after they finish their math homework.

"Yamaguchi."

But then there's the problem of it literally being a documentary and why would he waste a whole two hours on a Saturday paying for overpriced tickets in an almost-empty theater to watch a narrator drone on and on about God-forsaken-clams? Oh, right. Because he's absolutely whipped.

"Yamaguchi . Shut up."

Yamaguchi jumps and comes to a dead halt, arms windmilling around in spirals as he tries not to fall. "Sorry, Tsukki!" he manages after a moment, laughing a little as he brushes imaginary dust off the jacket of his uniform. "I guess I was a little distracted." Stop thinking about future-Tsukki , he berates himself, when real-Tsukki is right here.

Tsukki's face says Yeah, no shit , but his eyes and the slight quirk of his lips gives him away. "Try not to almost split your skull on the sidewalk the next time you get all carried away like that."

"Why? Because you'd have no one else to listen to in the morning?"

"Um, no. It'd be a huge mess to clean up, actually. Now hurry up. Ennoshita-san will scold us if we're late."

Yamaguchi laughs brightly and follows Tsukki to the club room, the sound of volleyball shoes already audible against the gym floor. Neither of them mention that Tsukki would probably actually miss having someone to walk with every day. Yamaguchi knows this. He knows that Tsukki would miss him if he cracked his head on the pavement one day. He's sure of this. He's pretty sure of this. He thinks he knows that he's sure of this. Maybe. But the lack of affirmation still stings like a reopened wound on his chest, and he feels like if anyone bothered to look, they'd see his heart laid out right there, open and bleeding.

•

"Yamaguchi-kun!"

He's just about packed up all his things and is ready to head out with Tsukki for lunch when someone barrels into the classroom, calling his name. That's a little weird. Outside of volleyball, no one really ever talks to him except Tsukki.

"Yachi-san?"

She's so slight and small that he almost didn't see her until he practically bumped into her. Yachi presents him with an easy smile that nearly blinds him with its light. She's bouncing a little on the balls of her feet, hands braced over a desk and breath coming out in short little puffs. He notices the star-shaped hairclips––light blue today––bob up and down every time her chest heaves a breath. "Hinata and Kageyama-kun have been asking me to eat lunch with them these past few days, and I was wondering if you and Tsukishima-kun would want to come along too?" After a beat of silence, Yamaguchi finally gets his eyes to line up properly with his brain, and then he also realizes that as outgoing and kind as Yachi is, being alone with the "Idiot Duo" can be emotionally taxing and probably a bit mentally damaging for anyone.

"Sure, Yachi-san!" he says, a little too loudly. Tsukki shoots him a dark look, mouth twisted into an almost comical shape, and he's about to open his mouth with a disgusted retort when Yachi spins around, turning her attention to Tsukishima.

"Please, Tsukishima-kun? It'll just be for today, and Yamaguchi-kun will be there with you too! I promise you won't have to talk to Kageyama-kun and Hinata."

Tsukki's half-opened mouth snaps shut with a click , and he pauses for a second before nodding. Yamaguchi can visibly see the cloud of tension leave Yachi's body, and he's actually a little afraid of what would have happened if they had left her alone with the other two second-years for another day. Although he's definitely glad that Tsukki agreed to come with them, Yamaguchi can't help but be a bit irked at how easily he agreed. And Yamaguchi didn't even have to say anything. Usually he's the only one who can get through to Tsukki––that's something everyone on the team has long since acknowledged––but it isn't impossible to see why turning down Yachi doesn't even seem like a viable option either.

They follow Yachi into the courtyard, where Hinata is sitting by himself, books and backpacks spread around him, beneath a ginkgo tree with sprawling branches. He is currently hyper-focused on trying to balance both his chopsticks and Kageyama's on the edge of his lunchbox. In the corner of his eye, Yamaguchi can see Tsukki smirking, and he feels a smile creeping up his own face in preparation for what he already knows is about to happen.

"I didn't know the elementary schoolers were having a field trip today. Are you lost?"

On cue, Hinata promptly yelps, springing up about a meter into the air before knocking over both sets of chopsticks. "Why would you do that Salty-shima? And Kageyama-kun is here too. He's just buying his stupid milk." Hinata sits himself back down after sticking his tongue out resolutely, then jabs his thumb out behind him, pointing to where Kageyama is walking toward the group, milk carton in hand. Yamaguchi smothers his laugh into one hand, the other waving excitedly at the other two second years. They all sit down after exchanging hellos, and Yamaguchi sets down his backpack, unzipping it to pull out his lunch at the same time. He's about to continue the conversation with Tsukki from this morning, thinking about asking if he can come over Friday night (of course he can) so they can go after studying a little on Saturday morning because he knows that there's that math exam next week so they should be working as hard as they can, and there's also weekend volleyball practice but they'll make it if they see an early showing of the documentary, and––

Tsukki slides on his headphones as soon as he sits down.

Tsukki is sitting on the outside of their little makeshift group, with Yamaguchi on his left and no one on his right. His legs are crossed loosely underneath him, and he leans back to rest against the trunk of the ginkgo tree. Immediately, all of the words crumble to dust in Yamaguchi's mouth.

"Tsukki?"

He tries three more times, even going as far as to tug lightly on Tsukki's uniform sleeve, before getting a more-irritated-than-normal "Shut up, Yamaguchi". Undeterred, Yamaguchi looks up insistently, not accepting that for an answer. Tsukki's snide remarks and reflexive comebacks had long since lost their sting––it's not like he ever meant them when they were directed at Yamaguchi (the tone was always different––he could tell). Tsukki sighs impatiently, not even bothering to take off his headphones as he answers, "I don't feel like talking today, okay? Just let me eat."

"Okay, Tsukki!" he says, but he means, No, not okay . He means, I can't /just let you eat/ . He means, I've been waiting all morning to talk with you again .

He's not brave enough to say those things. If he were Tsukki, maybe, he could stand his ground and say something cool like that. But he's not Tsukki, and he never will be, no matter how many years he spends following him around. He can only turn away, despite how much it hurts, can only smile at his friends while Tsukki is so, so close but also a million lightyears away. He's not Tsukki. He is just Yamaguchi Tadashi, and Yamaguchi Tadashi is only okay.

•

The first time it happens is actually at Tsukki's house (how fitting). He's in Tsukki's bathroom, washing his hands with probably a little too much of the eucalyptus-mint-scented soap because he likes the way it smells. He wasn't thinking of anything that out of the ordinary. Just Tsukki. (When is he not thinking about Tsukki these days?) Yamaguchi was reminding himself of all the reasons why he couldn't ever confess to Tsukki––the most important being that it would surely break their friendship.

Tsukki doesn't like talking about feelings.
Tsukki doesn't like talking about the future.
Tsukki would never see you that way.

He repeats these things to himself, and this is probably a ritual he goes through a least once every other day, but for some reason, it makes him feel a lot worse right now. They'd been together for so long, and he wonders when all of those little gestures and smiles started to mean even more to him, when each upward tilt of Tsukki's lips started to tug gently at his heart. He thinks about how he'd do anything Tsukki asked, even if Tsukki said to never speak to him again, and comes to the dismal conclusion that hurting with Tsukki is decidedly better than hurting without him. Fuck . Yamaguchi can feel the tears coming on. He'd always been too quick to cry. A tear slips out of his eye against his will.

Clink .

What?

Clink . Clinkclink .

Three more small crystalline droplets fall into the sink, and Yamaguchi can do nothing but stare at his own red, blotchy face in the mirror. The shock sobers him up, wipes away his self-pity in one clean streak, and he rubs at his eyes before taking a closer look into the sink. Sure enough, they're still there: four golden, dewdrop-shaped crystals that shimmer even under the fluorescent lights of the bathroom. Yamaguchi picks them up carefully, his hands shaking, and rinses them quickly before drying them off on one of Tsukki's bath towels. Upon closer inspection, they look like little stars, each drop twinkling faintly in the palm of his hand.

No offense… but what the fuck?

Yamaguchi cups them gently before wrapping them in a paper towel and dropping the crumpled bunch into his pocket. He inhales deeply before stepping back into Tsukki's bedroom, ready to review the day's homework. The whole time, he makes stupid mistakes one after another, much to Tsukki's annoyment, his pockets heavy with golden tears and his mind heavy with the heady, permeating smell of eucalyptus.

•

Yamaguchi studies a little bit about whatever the fuck happened last night because obsessively looking into niche topics is one of the only things he's good at doing. Mediocre at doing, whatever, same difference. He's done this enough to prepare himself for documentary-night with Tsukki, so if he thinks hard enough, he can just pretend this is another one of those topics. But it also helps that when Yamaguchi gets into something, when he really and truly cares, he puts all of his energy into it to get the most out of it that he can––like he did with volleyball. (Like he did with Tsukki.)

Diagnosis: seireiheiki.
Cause: unrequited love.

He really should have seen this one coming.

So, Yamaguchi looks into his condition some more, thinks that seireiheiki (star tears disease) which sounds a little too pretty to be properly describing what's happening to him. It occurs when one-sided love goes too far, and it can only be cured if said unrequited love is returned in the same way. That... unfortunately makes a lot of sense. And it also makes him lose all hope of ever being cured.

Before he sits down at his desk the next day, Tsukki taps his arm, frowning slightly. "Is something wrong?"

"No? Sorry for worrying you, Tsukki, but what makes you say that?"

Another frown. "Your eyes."

This makes Yamaguchi look up. "My eyes?" he asks with a shaky laugh. There's no way Tsukki could have known about this right? Even at best, he'd just feel pity, and there was no way they could keep being friends if he found out. Tsukki knew him so well, saw right through him. Of course he'd find out. Did he know already?

"Yeah, they're all red."

"Red," Yamaguchi repeats blankly. His eyes look red. Not gold. Not shining with those stupid sparkling tears. Red?

"Have you been staying up late? You know it's not good for you. The team will worry." (Not I'll worry ?)

Oh.

A hand slides up to rub at the nape of his neck. He definitely hadn't been sleeping well lately. Even aside from his crippling emotions that come with being a teenage boy with a crush on his childhood best friend, he still has school and volleyball to worry about, which is usually enough to steal sleep away from him to begin with. These days, however, Yamaguchi often finds himself sitting at his desk and looking out the window rather than just trying to lay in bed. He has his tears in a wooden box in the second drawer of his desk. The word seireiheiki feels foreign and heavy in his mouth, taking up too much space than it should. When he looks at them, gleaming like yellow diamonds in the darkness of his room, he thinks they look just like the blinking balls of light in the sky that he used to point out to Tsukki on summer nights. That memory is a little more familiar, a little more comforting, and it makes him a little less afraid of what he's holding in his hands. They look like stars. His stars, he'll call them. They're pretty fun to look at, to be honest. When he holds one up close to his eye, it looks like he's looking through a golden-tinted lens of a kaleidoscope. Sometimes he swears he can see what looks like galaxies swirling in each one, but they're so small that if he blinks his vision will unfocus, and the picture is gone.

"Yamaguchi? Hello? You must be really tired."

"Oh! Sorry, Tsukki! I'm fine though, no need to worry about me!"

Tsukki scoffs at him, looking like he wants to add more, but the teacher fixes them both with a pointed stare, and the moment is broken.

All through class, Yamaguchi can feel Tsukki's pointed gaze from the other side of the room. It makes him kind of uneasy since he's not used to this look being directed at him. Tsukki doesn't look at him very often (which is why Yamaguchi feels so comfortable admiring Tsukki so outwardly all of the time), and when he does, it's not usually with this kind of interest. The minutes tick by too slowly, and Yamaguchi can feel himself getting restless in his seat. He spends most of class trying to come up with a lie convincing enough to keep Tsukki from finding out why his eyes have been hurting so much lately.

"Yamaguchi-kun! Tsukishima-kun!"

Somehow, Yachi is in their classroom again before Tsukki even has the chance to start interrogating. (Her clips are pink today, always in the shapes of stars.) Yamaguchi considers himself lucky, then slaps himself mentally for thinking that. Is he really afraid of Tsukki?

(He's never been afraid of Tsukki. Not even the first time they met. Tsukki's barbed remarks and cold attitude are enough to scare off even the friendliest of newcomers, but to Yamaguchi, they are as familiar as the back of his hand. He's not afraid of Tsukki. But why is he feeling like this right now?)

"Yachi-san," Tsukki says politely. He had bristled slightly when Yachi came in, only enough for Yamaguchi to notice. It's clear that he has something he needs to do. "We'll see you after practice—"

"Come eat with us again, Tsukishima-kun! Please?"

Gold eyes widen. The audacity to make such a request yet again actually stuns Tsukki into a momentary silence. Yamaguchi sees Tsukki's left hand clench into a tight fist by his side, his nails biting deeply into the flesh of his palm. He steps in front of Tsukki, holding both arms out apologetically. "Actually, Yachi-san, I think––"

"We've known each other for some time now, Yamaguchi-kun, Tsukishima-kun, so both of you can just call me Yacchan like Hinata does if you want."

(Tsukki doesn't respond to that, although the already tight line of his lips press together even tighter. He hates nicknames.)

"Oh, if that's okay with you then. Yacchan, I don't know if we should intrude on you guys again today."

"I thought it was really fun yesterday! And Hinata really wants you to come join us again. Plus, he said he had some questions about math for Tsukishima-kun, and I didn't really know how to answer them, so we were hoping you two could help us figure it out since you're both so good at math!"

It really is so difficult to say no to Yachi. Such earnest brown eyes, with an air of innocence and genuine longing. Yamaguchi tries to think about what would happen to him if he wore his heart on his sleeve like Yachi does. His thoughts are interrupted by Tsukki's grudging agreement once more. His heart leaps and then falls. He could probably throw up right now with the way his insides are jumping around.

After practice, Yachi offers to take Tsukishima out for cake (how did she know he liked sweets?) as a thank you for helping Hinata and her with math (like she needed the help). Yamaguchi can see immediately what choice he should make. Even though he knows Yachi means nothing by it––knows that that's just the kind and sweet person she is––he knows he shouldn't cheat Tsukki of this opportunity to have fun with a girl. After all, he's the one who takes up all of Tsukki's time every day anyways, right? He should get used to sharing, to prepare for the inevitable (he'll never be ready).

"You guys go have fun! I'll see you tomorrow, Tsukki. Bye, Yacchan!"

Then he's gone, before either of the other two can say anything. As he speed-walks towards home, he can already feel them building up, the tears that he's gotten used to a little more by now. Once he's turned the corner, Yamaguchi slows, before stilling completely and dropping down into a crouch, burying his head into his hands as he begins to sob in earnest.

Clinkclinkclink. Clink. Clinkclink.

They drop unevenly against the concrete pavement, reflecting what little sunlight there is left of the day. He hates them. His stars. What good are they, beautiful as they are, if all they can do is remind him of how his feelings continue to fester inside him? Yamaguchi cries and cries and cries, forming a small pile of glowing tears at his feet. When he's tired and drained, he debates on what to do about the stars. Looking at the abundance of them shining up at him, he feels stupid for thinking the ones in his desk are special. So he's a sad, pathetic fool. How special. It feels like they're mocking him, with their rhythmic pulsing and their fleeting but delicate beauty that he'll never be able to attain.

On a whim, he stands up stiffly and drops his foot down on the pile. Despite how much they look like diamonds, the stars smash easily. After a few more well-placed stomps, they're reduced to nothing but a clump of shimmering stardust.

Pathetic.

Yamaguchi sighs. It's his own fault his body is producing them, anyways. He kicks half the dust into the road and hopes the other half will be blown away by the wind to somewhere more hopeful and happy. He should really drop by Shimada Mart to buy some eyedrops.

•

"'Morning, Tsukki! How was the date yesterday with Yacchan?"

Tsukki begins walking without sparing a second glance at Yamaguchi. "It was not a date."

"Well, whatever you want to call it. How did it go?"

"It was fine. We actually went to that one place that you really like, that's across from the school."

The little café that holds so many timeworn memories. Yamaguchi gives himself a few heartbeats to remember them, pretending the place is still his and Tsukki's , before smiling widely. "Wow, Tsukki! That sounds like fun!" When it becomes clear that Tsukki doesn't intend to volunteer anymore information, Yamaguchi launches into an elaborate review of the documentary they had seen that previous weekend, despite not being nearly as educated about the subject as Tsukki. "I can't believe they were able to fill an entire movie about crustacean facts––"

"Mollusk facts."

"What?"

"Clams are mollusks, not crustaceans."

Yamaguchi pauses his rambling, blushing. "Right, mollusks. Anyways––"

"I knew you weren't really paying attention, Yamaguchi."

"What are you talking about? Of course I was! I totally remember them saying that clams are mollusks––I just forgot! The narrator's voice was so boring and emotionless though, so it was kind of hard to follow, and––"

"Yamaguchi."

Yamaguchi looks up. Tsukki is looking straight at him. For some reason, he's particularly entranced today by the gold of the other boy's irises. He's so beautiful. Every part of him. Even behind his glasses, with the glare of morning sunlight reflecting off of them, his eyes still hold Yamaguchi completely rooted to the spot.

"You've been really out of it lately. Did something happen?"

"No, no, not at all, sorry Tsukki! It's really nothing." He bites his bottom lip, teeth worrying away at the already chapped flesh. "I guess I may have kind of been stressed about the English quiz tomorrow, though," he adds, for lack of a better thing to say. The crease in Tsukki's brow fades, his eyes softening again before a new knot appears in his forehead (it's not nearly as tight).

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Tsukki sounds more exasperated now, but there's less fire behind his words. His gait is more relaxed, fists no longer half-clenched. "Come over tonight, and I'll help you study. My mom is making ramen."

It's not a question, not Do you want to come over? It hasn't been one for years. Yamaguchi still likes to ask, just to follow tradition, but Tsukki never does anymore. It's always Come over tomorrow , or I'm coming over on Sunday because, again, he knows that no matter how far he goes, Yamaguchi will follow.

So he does.

"Okay! Thanks, Tsukki!"

They walk the rest of the way to school in mostly silence, which isn't as bad as Yamaguchi thought it would be. He swings his arms, fiddling with the bottom button of his uniform and wonders what would happen if he reached out and linked his pinky finger with Tsukki's. Tsukki's hand is so close. Yamaguchi can smell the minty shampoo from this morning's shower, bought from the same set as the hand soap he likes so much. If Tsukki finds something wrong with the silence, he doesn't say anything. But he doesn't pull his headphones back up either (he never does).

On the walk back, the stars from the school day clink against one another in his pocket, and Yamaguchi ignores them as he opens the front door to the Tsukishima residence. It almost feels like coming home. So, he spends the rest of the late afternoon and early evening with Tsukki and kisses Tsukki's mother on the cheek and tells her that her food is delicious, as always. After dinner, Yamaguchi washes his hands no less than three times with Tsukki's eucalyptus soap, the smell reminiscent of that one day and making a few golden tears leak out of his eyes almost instantly. On his third wash, the bathroom is filled heavily with the minty scent. It smells like Tsukki.

He can't help but notice that it really does feel like coming home.

•

He cries a lot more often now.

It didn't use to affect him as much, but he's having to leave lunch a few minutes early every day to pocket his tears and rub his eyes, or else he feels like they'll dry out and roll out of his head completely. Yachi somehow convinces them to keep eating lunch with the Idiot Duo, and it becomes a welcome part of his day. Even Tsukki has started to contribute to the conversation, although he still has his headphones stubbornly on (Yamaguchi is willing to bet there isn't any actual music playing, though). He does feel bad leaving each day, wants to spend more precious moments with his friends, but he tells himself that this is his punishment for whatever these ridiculous feelings are, and for his own inability to help himself.

("Tsukishima-kun, what did you do to Yamaguchi?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Hinata. What makes you think I did something?"

"Well… Yamaguchi used to be so bouncy and cheery all the time, but now he's a lot less happy. And… I don't know, but it seems like smiling makes him really tired? Plus, he's in the bathroom a whole lot. I don't know what that means, though."

"…I didn't know you were capable of noticing something like that, Hinata."

"HEY!"

"Really though, Tsukishima-kun. If Yamaguchi-kun is going to the bathroom after lunch every day, don't you think that something serious might be going on?"

"I'm not stupid, Yachi-san. And neither is Yamaguchi. There's nothing wrong with him.")

"Hey, Yamaguchi!" Yachi greets as soon as he comes back from the bathroom, wiping still-wet hands on his pants. "Can I talk to you about something before class?"

Tsukki shoots her an almost imperceptible look before rolling his eyes and standing up, brushing grass off of the legs of his pants. Were they talking about him? He eyes Yamaguchi carefully for a moment before turning around and walking to the classroom without another word.

"What is it, Yacchan?"

"Well… I just thought… actually, we all thought…"

"What Yacchan is TRYING to say is that we're all super worried about you, Yamaguchi-kun! Isn't that right, Kageyama-kun?" Hinata jabs an elbow into the other boy's ribs, and Kageyama starts to wheeze, before letting out what could probably be interpreted as an affirmative sound. "See! We all really care about you, Yamaguchi!"

"Thanks, I guess? But what brought this on? I'm okay, I guess? So I'm really sorry if I worried you all."

"No!" Yachi half-shouts abruptly, covering her mouth with both hands right after. "No," she repeats meekly, at a much quieter volume. Her eyes are pointed to the ground. "You don't need to apologize to us, Yamaguchi-kun. None of this is your fault."

Hinata nods enthusiastically. "I know you're always saying Sorry, Tsukki! and all that, but you don't have to be like that around us! Don't be afraid, Yamaguchi!"

Afraid?

Do they think he's afraid of Tsukki? Of Tsukki ? Of the same boy who still has dinosaur figurines in his room and who shares his fries and who hugs his mother before school every day? How could he ever be afraid of his Tsukki? Of his beautiful, wonderful, amazing best friend with his soft smirk and embarrassed laugh that's just for Yamaguchi, with his striking golden eyes that could kill a grown man… Even when he's putting up a front, Tsukki will always be there to help him, to calm him down, to make him feel better. How could he ever be afraid of that? How could he ever stop loving that?

"I'm sorry, Yacchan, Hinata-kun, but I still have no idea what you guys are talking about. Tsukki would never do anything to me." I'm doing it all to myself anyways .

Hinata purses his lips, still looking unconvinced, looking like he wants to lash out again when Yamaguchi slips in another apology seemingly out of reflex. Kageyama just looks incredibly uncomfortable, but Yamaguchi does have to give him credit for not leaving yet.

"Yamaguchi-kun… We know that you're not really using the restroom when you leave lunch every day."

That makes his heart leap into his chest. Do they know? How could they know? It's probably just another false alarm, like with Tsukki the other day. What do they think of him now?

"If you're… if you're throwing up, or–or hurting yourself, I could never live with myself if I didn't help you, Yamaguchi!" The end of the sentence curls in on itself like a slip of paper being lit on fire: charring and dying until it eventually dissolves in a cloud of ash. That's what Yachi sounds like right now. Burning from the inside out, like she's on the brink of tears. Her small hands are clasped together in front of her chest, and her bottom lip is trembling. Huh. He'd forgotten that regular people cried too––people who didn't live every day consumed by the merciless push and pull of their stupid crushes on their stupid (beautiful) best friends.

Although it does throw another hit across his already bruised chest, Yamaguchi feels an odd sense of relief at her words. She hadn't discovered his secret. But then again, is what she thought better? Would it be better if he were the one slowly chipping away at his own life, rather than letting his condition do it for him? He wants to tell her I can't control my gag reflex, and I hate throwing up , so you don't have to worry about that, but more importantly, I would never have the guts to take my own life. Because that's the kind of sick coward he is. He'd rather be in this in-between state for the rest of his life, observing from afar, being the closest person to Tsukki but never being the person for him. After all, it's better than trying to survive without him. He knows Yachi only means well, knows the pain she feels of having a person you care about slip away right in front of you without being able to do anything, but he still doesn't say anything useful. (Can't say? Won't say?) All he manages to do is shake his head and choke out a meager "Don't worry, okay Yacchan?"

The bell picks that moment to ring, and Hinata and Kageyama almost jump out of their skins. Yachi still looks fragile enough to shatter at any given moment, and Yamaguchi doesn't feel right leaving her here like this, but if he stays any longer he might break down himself. He turns around to leave, but Yachi lets out a pained, betrayed noise that sounds like a whimper, and Yamaguchi nearly splits in half on the spot. He forces himself to turn back around, to look at her, to look at the hurt and confusion he's been causing his dearest friends.

Yamaguchi drops into an awkward bow. "Thank you all for worrying about me." He stays bent over for a little while, and none of the other three second years can find the right words to say anything. The edge of a star is sharp against his leg, inside his pants pocket. He wills himself not to cry, not to scream, not to cause his friends any more pain than he already has. But then again, he is only Yamaguchi Tadashi, and he has a limit to what he can do. Flipping himself back upright, Yamaguchi hurries off to class, refusing to look back, sliding into his chair without making eye contact with Tsukki either.

He really would miss seeing those eyes.

•

The next day, waking up is pretty difficult. He was up almost all night again, staring out his window at the inky black sky and wondering if his crystal tears were made of the same stardust as the constellations he used to trace while laying on the floor as a kid. Call it childish, masochistic, maybe even a little morbid, but he had taken a liking to the constellations, the heavens, again, something he hadn't thought about for years. Tsukki's house had an old telescope they used to play around with, but Yamaguchi guessed it must have been Akiteru's since he never saw it again after that day. At least if he developed a new "academic" interest, it would give him a reason to watch some more documentaries with Tsukki (like he needed a reason to punish himself).

Recently, Yamaguchi liked to try to arrange his stars to match the ones outside. They were small and plentiful enough to fit his needs, and if he ever ran low, well, he wasn't exactly running out of tears to replenish his supply with. The first four he collected at Tsukki's house, though, he still left in the wooden box. He moved it to his nightstand, so he could remind himself that this wasn't just a little game, that the stars were so much more than the golden gems they appeared to be (but they were still so, so much less than what he wanted them to be).

That being said, waking up is hard that morning. Yamaguchi just can't seem to get his eyes to open; they feel sticky, and his body aches all over like it always does when he has a brutal volleyball practice not followed by enough rest. Tanaka-san and Noya-san are definitely going to yell at him for slacking off at morning practice today. Huh. And he'd forgotten to smash the stars he was playing with last night too. He was really starting to lose it.

Yamaguchi sits up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his face. As he walks towards the bed, eyes still half-lidded, the stars––still arranged in the shape of the Lyra constellation––seem to glow more brightly than they had last night. He doesn't even have to hold them up close to his eye to see the dancing kaleidoscopic lights this morning. Strange. Sweeping them all into a paper towel from a stack he always has by his desk now, Yamaguchi crumples the pile into a ball, hearing the brittle crack of some of the stars breaking in his hands as he dumps the remains into his garbage can.

(Lyra is a constellation from Greek mythology, representing Orpheus's lyre. Orpheus was a musician and poet, whose songs moved the hearts of the King and Queen of the Underworld, giving him a second chance to reunite with his love, Eurydice. She had died uselessly, aimlessly, and there wasn't anything he could have done to stop it. In the end, even given a second chance, Orpheus had forgotten all of the rules the King of the Underworld had placed on him, and he lost his wife a second time, right before his very eyes once more. This time, no amount of music could bring her back. He died a pitiful death as well, alone in the mortal world, flinging his lyre––the only other source of happiness in his life––into the river. Zeus, King of the Gods, plucked the broken lyre from the water and immortalized it in the sky, turning Orpheus's tragic love into an unwavering pattern of stars.)

His eyes also feel particularly dry today. Even after putting his eyedrops in, it still seems like something about––well… everything––is off. Throughout breakfast, he keeps rubbing his eyes, but the sleepy blur won't leave. It isn't a blur , exactly. Everything just feels muted. Drained. The way he's been feeling for weeks now.

"Good morning, Tsukki!"

"I'm coming over today."

Yamaguchi stops walking, head tilted up curiously. "Of course, that's fine Tsukki, but can I ask why today?"

At this, Tsukki stops walking as well. "Do I need a reason to come over?"

Tsukki sounds mildly annoyed, which is… concerning. "Sorry, Tsukki!" is all Yamaguchi says, though, all he can ever say, and the topic is dropped. They continue on their path, Yamaguchi talking aimlessly about his new/old interest in the stars (not those stars), and how he wants to find a really good documentary about it, so does Tsukki know of any, and would Tsukki be willing to lend it to him, and maybe Tsukki could come over and watch it with him, and––

His eyes aren't gold.

His eyes aren't gold .

Up until now, every morning of every school day and most of the other days of Yamaguchi's life, he'd spent memorizing and appreciating the exact shade of Tsukki's eyes. Despite all the warning signs he's been getting all morning, Yamaguchi doesn't realize that something is incredibly wrong until this very moment.

His eyes aren't gold .

He does allow himself a congratulatory self-pat-on-the-back in his mind, though, because he doesn't even falter in his blabbering (what does it mean that he's gotten so good at putting up this façade?). His gaze starts from the bottom, from somewhere safe, from the pure, clean brown of Tsukki's shoes. Check. The pristinely ironed black of his pants and matching blazer. Check. Tsukki's cheeks are pale, but they're always pale, and so are his lips. Check? Yamaguchi's starting to think he imagined the whole thing, starts to let himself ease up, but then he gets to Tsukki's eyes again. They're so pale. Actually, pale isn't really the right word. Dim? They look dim. Like there used to be a few mega-watt light bulbs in each of his eyes, but someone had come in and turned a few off. And his hair . Tsukki's hair had definitely not always looked like that. It's so pale it could be confused for white. What's going on? Is Yamaguchi's sickness spreading, seeping into Tsukki now too? Is Tsukki going to be plagued by the same heart-wrenching pain he feels every morning and every afternoon as they walk to and from school? Does he look like this, like the color and life have been sucked out of him? Yamaguchi can feel his breath racing faster, heartbeat increasing. Another sickly familiar feeling bubbles up in his chest. Fuck . Now is not the time for this.

"Yamaguchi."

Tsukki's voice is even, calming, and the same as it's always been. That pulls Yamaguchi a little out of his own head, brings him back and soothes him better than he could ever fix himself. "Sorry, Tsukki––" he starts to say, but his voice cracks, and he clamps one sweating palm over his mouth. Stupid voice. Tsukki has completely stopped walking now.

"Hey, Yamaguchi. Look at me. Look at me, Yamaguchi."

He is so, so close.

"Just breathe, Yamaguchi. Listen to my voice."

So close .

"Just hold on, Yamaguchi, I know you can do it."

Tsukki's hands are gripping his arms tightly, lips twisted into a worried grimace. This isn't something that they haven't both gone through together before, but Tsukki does seem more wound up than normal lately. Yamaguchi knows what he's supposed to do, though. It becomes pretty easy when Tsukki's here. All he has to do is latch onto the sound of Tsukki's voice, deep and quiet in his ears; Tsukki's firm hold on his arms, anchoring him back; Tsukki's wide eyes, eyes that are only ever this open and honest and tender for him.

Tsukki's beautiful eyes.

His eyes aren't gold.

That thought snaps him back like a bucket of cold water, and Yamaguchi inhales breath after shaky breath like he's just swum an entire marathon. If Tsukki is surprised by this, he doesn't show it, his expression actually relaxing into one that better resembles his normal morning face. He starts to rub his hands up and down Yamaguchi's arms, maybe a little unconsciously, and that seems to calm Yamaguchi down.

Tsukki lets go immediately, but the warmth from his palms flat against Yamaguchi's forearms lingers still, so warm and soft and fleeting. In a trance, Yamaguchi lifts his own hands to cradle his body, mimicking Tsukki's gestures (but never getting the feeling quite right). Tsukki looks him up and down, his gaze nothing more than efficient, and after confirming Yamaguchi is okay, continues to walk on as if nothing had happened. Thankfully, he doesn't try to baby Yamaguchi or fuss over him. It's pretty miraculous he didn't cry. (Maybe he can only cry because of Tsukki now? Did that even count as being about Tsukki?)

Tsukki doesn't ask what it was about, and Yamaguchi doesn't tell him.

He's still shaking a little bit when they approach the volleyball gym, and Tsukki keeps sending him side-eye glances that say I know something's up, dumbass. He can never hide anything from Tsukki. Yachi offers him an excited "Hi, Yamaguchi!" and a "Good morning, Tsukishima-kun!" to Tsukki. It's actually a bit entertaining to see someone else batter Tsukki with an endless amount of enthusiasm that'll probably never be reciprocated. He tells Yachi this much as soon as Tsukki ambles off to the club room to get changed.

"I like your clips, Yacchan," he mentions with what he hopes is a friendly smile. His lips feel like they're stretched too wide, teeth bared in what feels more like a grimace than a smile. Yachi doesn't seem to notice, though. "Are they new?"

Yachi smiles in return, albeit with a bit less reckless energy. "Thanks, Yamaguchi-kun, but these aren't new." She sounds a little… confused?

"Oh, sorry about that. They make your hair look really nice though!"

A hand shoots up to briefly touch the dark stars contrasting against her blond hair. She gives him another small smile before bounding off to join Shimizu. Yamaguchi has always thought of himself as relatively observant. How has he never noticed her black hair clips before? Maybe Tsukki is right, and he is going a little insane from the lack of sleep. It takes narrowly missing a receive to the face to slap him out of it. "Ah, sorry, Hinata-kun! I should have gotten that, for sure." Kageyama looks like he's about to say something, but then Hinata launches himself onto the other boy's back, and his attention becomes diverted.

Yamaguchi passes the rest of the day feeling half-asleep. No matter how many times he rubs his eyes, the fuzziness he woke up with still won't go away. It's fine , he tells himself because he can still see each clearly marked kanji his teacher chalks on the board, can still land a decent jump float serve, can still raise his hand for questions and speak when called on and laugh when his friends say something funny. So, if he can see and hear just as well as normal, what's wrong? It's a little hard to describe, but the whole world feels like it's been washed out one too many times. Like a watercolor painting done with too much water in the brush––the colors are diluted, soft around the edges, and not as vibrant as they could be. By the end of the day, he's tricked himself into thinking that this is and always has been his normal. See , he tells himself , the ginkgo tree has always looked like that , and Hinata's hair is still orange today, too . It'll have to be fine for now, and it's not going to change any time soon.

Tsukki is outside of the gym when he finishes changing, headphones over his ears and face in that contemplative scowl he's grown impossibly fond of. "Sorry for the wait, Tsukki!"

No response. And it's okay because Yamaguchi wasn't waiting for one. Tsukki pushes himself upright, an extremely familiar gesture at this point, and starts to walk home. Today, Yamaguchi tells him about what he packed for lunch, even though Tsukki was there the whole time he ate it. He talks about how he thought Yachi had new barrettes because they just looked so cute! today, but he was actually wrong about that, and wasn't she so cute, Tsukki?

At this, Tsukki fixes him with a pointed stare, those pale eyes seeming to reach into his brain and pick through all his thoughts, one by one. This , he thinks , may not be so bad . If he has to trade a bit of the golden moonlight in Tsukki's eyes for a closer glimpse into them, it doesn't seem so bad after all.

"Do you like blondes, then, Yamaguchi?"

"What?" he squawks, face flushing red under the light of the setting sun. Does he like blondes?

"It was a stupid question. You don't have to answer it if you don't want to."

"No––! No, I mean, yeah. Yeah, I think I like blondes. And Yacchan is blonde. But you knew that. I mean, not that I like Yacchan––but I don't not like her! Yacchan is great! She's always helping us with volleyball and she's the one who invited us to sit with Hinata and Kageyama-kun after all, and––"

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki."

He's so fucking stupid.

Yamaguchi mulls over this question for the next eight minutes that they walk ( Why would Tsukki ask me that? Does that mean Tsukki likes blondes? Do I like Yacchan? No, of course I don't like Yacchan. Wait, but it's not that I hate Yacchan! Ugh, I'm doing it again. Sorry, Tsukki, for being like this. Sorry you have to put up with this ), getting ready to chirp out a quick "Goodnight, Tsukki!" before overthinking for another two hours as he fails to get his homework done. They part ways to their respective houses, but Tsukki gives him an exasperated look, speaking slowly but not condescendingly (even though some people may think he's a little immature, Tsukki would never patronize or infantilize him).

"What are you saying goodnight for, Yamaguchi? I'm coming over, remember?"

Yamaguchi laughs a little, rubbing the back of his neck. "Right, sorry Tsukki."

"I just need to grab some things from my house first. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Okay, Tsukki!"

Twenty minutes should be enough to cry for a little in the bathroom, right? ( Pathetic , he can hear, exactly in Tsukki's voice. If he could see me now, he'd call me pathetic. )

When he comes out of the bathroom, Tsukki is sitting there in all of his sweatpants-and-tshirt glory on his bedroom floor. It's not a new sight, but it still makes his chest squeeze a little tighter than it normally does. "Hi, Tsukki!" he says, smiling, ignoring the clump of glowing, golden remains in the trash can of his bathroom and the way his eyes ache and itch like they always do after he cries, instead focusing on the glowing, golden boy in front of him. He tries to drink this moment in. Tries to remember every single detail he can about Tsukki even as it feels like he's fading away right in front of him. Like all of the life is leached from his face. This is fine , he says. I am okay , he says. This is so much better than nothing , he says, because anything is better than breaking Tsukki's heart. "Are you ready to study? I think that thing we learned in English today was so weird, like who even needs that many tenses?"

"I brought this for you, Yamaguchi."

It's Journey to the Edge of the Universe , dubbed in Japanese, and one of the first documentaries that Tsukki ever made him watch. It's been so long, Yamaguchi had forgotten about its existence entirely. Tsukki had said Akiteru gave him the DVD, a present his older brother had bought with his own money when he first got a job in high school. Tsukki had made him watch it four times before he was even allowed to look into the telescope. Looking at the worn sleeve of the DVD, Yamaguchi can't help but remember what it was like the last time he saw it––what he was like. He had been willing to stand up for Tsukki when others looked down on him, that much hadn't changed, but he'd also been willing to fall asleep watching TV shows, willing to lay his head on Tsukki's legs as he fell asleep and imagined that they couldn't possibly get any closer.

"Oh… Thank you, Tsukki! But wait, why––?"

"Yamaguchi. You were literally talking to me about this this morning. Don't you remember?"

"Wait, you remembered, Tsukki?"

"Of course I remembered. Do you really think that little of me? C'mon. Let's watch it now. We can finish homework later. I'll help you."

"But the English worksheet––"

"I already said I'd help you, didn't I? Stop worrying. I'll always help you, if you need me. Let's just watch this stupid thing about space, or whatever."

"Hey! You're not allowed to call this stupid when I had to sit though a mollusk documentary last week!"

"That was your own fault."

"…Okay, fair. But you're the one who introduced Journey to the Edge to me in the first place, so I wouldn't be saying anything if I were you, Tsukki!"

Tsukki just shrugs, a smile playing on his lips. (God, he's so beautiful.) Yamaguchi shifts uncomfortably back and forth on his heels as Tsukki turns on his laptop to insert the disk. "Hey, isn't that the box you used to keep your baby teeth in?" Tsukki asks suddenly, pointing to the wooden box next to them on the nightstand.

"No––!" he shouts, a little too loudly. "There's nothing in that anymore; I don't know why I still have it, actually."

Tsukki quirks an eyebrow, intrigued. "That doesn't sound like nothing. What's inside?"

Fuck. "I already told you, Tsukki––there's nothing there!"

Tsukki is more than interested now. He closes the lid of his laptop, reaching towards the nightstand. Yamaguchi lunges after him, batting away Tsukki's hands from the box. As soon as he gets a hold of it, he flinches away, still feeling the lingering bits of warmth on his own fingertips.

"Yamaguchi. I know you're lying to me. You've been acting so weird lately."

"Tsukki, I––"

"You know how hard it is for me to say these things already. If there's something going on, I'll help you with it, okay? I'll always help you."

Yamaguchi backs away until his back hits his study desk, arms still clutching desperately at that stupid box. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he can faintly hear the too-bright twinkling of the stars, clattering around against one another inside. Normally, he'd be ecstatic to hear Tsukki say these things because he knows just as well as Tsukki does how hard it is for the other boy to express his emotions and take initiative, even in their timeworn friendship. But this isn't a problem Tsukki can fix. This is so much more than math homework and volleyball practice, even more than his self-doubt and arguments with his mother. This is the one thing he can never tell Tsukki about. Maybe, months ago, he'd still be able to hold out hope that there was a chance Tsukki could return his feelings, but very thing he's holding in his hands right now is enough evidence to prove otherwise without a shadow of doubt.

"It's… it's nothing, Tsukki. I'm sorry if you've been worrying about me, but you really don't need to. It's not worth it, okay? Please don't worry."

Tsukki's expression changes, the playful tilt of his lips from just minutes ago long gone, his eyes darkening.

"Fine. Let's get started on our homework, then. You can watch the documentary later."

"Aren't you going to stay the night, Tsukki? We can just watch it together afterwards, since you went through all the trouble of bringing it here for me!"

"I'm going home after this."

"Oh, okay, Tsukki."

This is for the better , he tells himself. Tsukki will just feel bad if he finds out. He doesn't want Tsukki's pity. He can feel Tsukki slipping away from him, slowly but surely distancing himself, but he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know what he can do. He sets the box, hands trembling, back into the second drawer of his desk, and settles himself on the floor like he always does when they study together. Tsukki is sitting cross legged in front of him, already halfway through his English assignment. The silence feels so different from the way it normally does––wrapping its lithe fingers around his throat and cinching his words shut. They don't talk, for the next hour.

Tsukki leaves.

Yamaguchi cries again.

The stars clink one by one onto the bathroom floor, and he can't find it in himself to crush them to dust just yet. The sound they make when they fall, he thinks, is pretty, if you listen hard enough. It sounds like the delicate chime of bells, or maybe the insistent tap of raindrops against his window during a thunderstorm. It sounds like little pieces of his heart are seeping out of him and adorning the ground, as brittle as shards of glass. At the very least, it sounds nicer than his heaving chest and broken sobs.

•

Tsukki is grey today.

It's really not fair, that the stars are the only bit of color left in his life. It's only been a week? Two weeks? It feels like he's lived his entire desperate, pining life without color. No matter how dull and faded the rest of the world gets, they're still glowing as golden as they were the first day they appeared. In fact, compared to the pathetic greyscale that makes up his life now, they actually look like they're shining brighter than before. It's like he has his own little universe right there in his room––a litany of blinking stars to orbit around him (he's more used to being the one doing the orbiting).

Tsukki's hair is only a few shades darker than white, his skin even paler––the soft pink of his cheeks and the tips of his ears long gone. His lips look lifeless, almost like he's frozen, encased in ice. And his eyes.

Yamaguchi doesn't want to think about Tsukki's eyes.

Sometimes, the only way he can remember the way they used to look is by crying, so he can see his stars. Despite everything, they're still so beautiful, and so, so full of life. He can almost feel the emotions pulsing inside of them when he holds a clump of stars in his palm––doubt and nostalgia and pure, unadulterated longing . He's a little glad that his body decided to cry golden tears (he's always thinking about Tsukki, apparently) because now he'll never be able to forget the color of Tsukki's eyes. When he stares at the stars long enough, burning the bright gold into his mind, if he looks at Tsukki right after, his eyes are almost the same as they were before.

His interactions with Tsukki are starting to change. He's not sure who started the distancing first, but it's clear now that they're moving too far in opposite directions. They still walk together every morning and sit next to one another during lunch and study at each other's houses, but it's not the same. Tsukki always has his headphones on during lunch, and he doesn't ever stay for dinner anymore. They haven't watched a documentary together in two and a half weeks (a new record). Yamaguchi missed every single one of his serves this morning, and he feels kind of like a piece of shit.

"Hi, Yamaguchi! How are you doing?"

"Hey, Yacchan! And oh, um, I'm alright, I guess?" He sends a furtive glance towards Tsukki, but the other boy is already opening up his bento and taking small, measured mouthfuls of rice. His headphones are blaring music loud enough that Yamaguchi can hear the soft thumps of the bassline, like a heartbeat. "Actually… I could be a lot better."

Hinata perks up at this. "That's great, Yamaguchi-kun!"

"Hinata!"

"Oh! I meant, it's great that you're letting us know what's going on! Of course we want to help you get better, Yamaguchi!"

Kageyama simply offers a nod, taking a contemplative sip of his milk. He fixes Tsukki with a leveled stare, but when the other boy doesn't show any signs of paying attention, he looks back to Yamaguchi.

"It has to do with Tsukishima, doesn't it?"

Three pairs of eyes blink up at Kageyama.

"I may be failing some of my classes, but I'm not that stupid, alright? Now tell us what that asshole did."

"Kageyama! Language!"

"No."

Yamaguchi can't help but laugh a little at this. He's missed this friendly banter, this easy back-and-forth that never seems to happen when he talks to Tsukki. Their conversations feel so empty and one-sided––he's the only one who ever talks, but everything he says feels superficial.

"Hinata-kun! Kageyama-kun! Stop fighting! I'm pretty sure Yamaguchi-kun was about to tell us something." Yachi nods encouragingly, eyes flitting to Tsukki every so often. At this point, just like most days, Tsukki has abandoned his (already pretty small) lunch, opting to lean against the trunk of the ginkgo tree with his eyes closed, engrossed in his music. After a few minutes, Tsukki stands up, movements calm and unhurried as usual, with a quick "I'll be right back" tossed over his shoulder as he heads in the direction of the restrooms.

Yamaguchi sighs. His friends are so earnest, and they really do want to help. Plus, he's pretty sure he can count on them not telling Tsukki. "Have you guys ever heard of seireiheiki ?"

"Oh, yeah, I think I've read about it in a few shoujo manga series. What about it?"

"Well…––"

He gives them an explanation, voice halting and low. It's the least he can do. Even Hinata and Kageyama have stopped their incessant screeching, and they're all listening intently to Yamaguchi's story. When he finishes, he can feel himself about to cry again. Why didn't he do this earlier? Telling someone about it––anyone––makes the hurt go away at least a little bit. A few golden drops plink against the dirt underneath them, and Yamaguchi crushes them immediately beneath the palm of his hand before anyone can say a word. Yachi looks like she's about to cry again.

"I–We–Just, thank you for being willing to tell us this, Yamaguchi-kun. I know it couldn't have been easy. I–I'm glad that you're not hurting yourself, but I can imagine that this must hurt, too."

He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. After all these months, he realizes that he really does love Yachi. Not like he loves Tsukki, but with all of his heart nonetheless. She doesn't judge, doesn't ask any more questions.

"But Yamaguchi-kun, Yacchan said that that thing only happens when you love someone and they don't love you back, but Kageyama said this was about Tsukishima-kun, so––"

Kageyama cuffs Hinata roughly across the back, whispering harshly into his ear. Hinata's eyes widen momentarily, before his mouth falls open into an O of understanding.

"Yeah," he says softly, forcing out a little laugh as he wipes away the golden fragments that are still gathering at the corners of his eyes. He grinds them between his fingers until there's nothing left, then blows the powder off his palm like a dandelion (make a wish, Yamaguchi).

"How long has this been going on?"

"Months? I don't know. I feel like I've loved him my entire life, really."

Yachi just nods. "In the manga, they always say that it gets… or it starts to look… have you had––?"

Yamaguchi nods in return. "Yeah. I have."

They all sit in contemplative silence, Hinata making the actually rather considerate decision not to ask any more questions despite knowing absolutely nothing about what's currently going on. A side-eyed look from Yachi says that she'll explain everything later. The silence feels good for once, sliding around him like a gentle embrace with intentions to help rather than harm. It's been a while since he hasn't felt the urge fill the gap with meaningless words.

"Well…" Yachi starts, scuffing her shoes around in the dirt. "That's definitely not how they make it seem in the manga."

A laugh escapes him, messy and genuine. He hasn't read a lot of shoujo manga, but he can imagine the way the mangaka would romanticize his condition, the way they'd turn colorblindness into something beautiful and desirable. It makes him a little sick, to be honest, but the blunt observation Yachi makes is funny to him in a way he didn't think it would be. He's spent so long alone with only his own thoughts, and hearing someone else comment so casually about his stupid stars does make him feel a little better. A little less alone.

"Thank you guys again," he says softly. "I really do feel better now, I promise."

Hinata's face splits into a broad grin. He springs up and launches into Yamaguchi's lap, pulling Yachi and Kageyama down onto the floor with him. The four of them end up in a tangled pile of limbs in the dappled shade, and Yamaguchi can't help but join in on the laughter. "It'll be okay, Yamaguchi! Don't worry! We'll always be here for you, even if Salty-shima is being mean."

"Hinata-kun!"

"Ack! Sorry, Stingy-shima––I mean, Salty-shima––I mean, Tsukishima-kun!"

"Hinata, you do realize that Tsukishima isn't even here right now, right? And get off of me. You're crushing me."

"I definitely knew that, Kageyama! And I'm not getting up yet! We're giving Yamaguchi a comfort hug right now to show him how much we care about him!"

"Yamaguchi-kun is way smarter than you. He doesn't need a dogpile to remind him that we're friends."

Yamaguchi is full-on laughing now, head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut as he laughs and laughs and laughs. "You guys are too much. Come on, we're probably crushing Yacchan as it is." This convinces Hinata to finally stand, pulling a disheveled but mostly intact Yachi with him. Kageyama is still sprawled out on the ground, unphased, when their pile is untangled. "Thank you guys, though. Really. I think I'll be okay, for now."

And he really is good. When he says the words, he finds himself believing it.

•

(Tsukishima knows Hinata, Kageyama, and Yachi are a little uncomfortable around him. While they've gotten closer due to spending hours together every week for volleyball practice and their now-daily lunchtime hangouts, he's still definitely aware that the only reason he's been invited is because Yamaguchi wouldn't go without him.

What he doesn't know, however, is what Yamaguchi feels. It's becoming more and more difficult to read the other boy nowadays, despite how long they've known one another. Tsukishima had always prided himself on being able to notice even the slightest changes in Yamaguchi's emotions, but this situation was unprecedented. Yamaguchi was hiding things unabashedly, and lying straight to his face. Tsukishima doesn't really know what it's about, but he does have the feeling that it has to do with him. Does Yamaguchi like eating lunch with the other second years better than he does just with Tsukishima? Does Yamaguchi not want to come over anymore? The doubts are unfamiliar but continue to nag at him until he can't take it anymore. The music he plays in his headphones is barely enough to drown out his thoughts, even on full volume. Spending time with people other than Yamaguchi is exhausting. He has to explain all his thoughts, his gestures, things he never has to do around Yamaguchi. That's why most of the time, he just resorts to silence.

But he's starting to shut off around Yamaguchi too. Trying to figure out what's on the other boy's mind takes up all of his attention, and he can't spare any energy to actually listen to Yamaguchi's rants. Besides, he's pretty sure Yamaguchi would prefer this over half-assed commentary that would make it even clearer that he's not listening.

When he comes back from the restroom, the first thing he hears is a loud whoosh and thump , followed by peals of laughter and a few playful screams. The sound is jarring, grating on his headphone-covered ears, but the only reason why he continues to listen is because one of the voices is undoubtedly Yamaguchi's. Tsukishima realizes then that he hasn't heard Yamaguchi laugh like that in a really long time. As soon as he picks up the courage to walk over to them, he sees the brightest smile on Yamaguchi's face, the little tuft of hair in the middle of his head pointing straight up like it always does when he's in a good mood. When was the last time he was able to make Yamaguchi smile like that? This confirms it then: he's making the right decision. Someone kind like Yachi or cheerful like Hinata would be much better equipped to help Yamaguchi through whatever he's going through.

Tsukishima is glad that, at least in this moment, Yamaguchi is happy.)

•

"Wow, they actually look really pretty!" Hinata marvels, holding up one of Yamaguchi's stars to the flickering sunlight of the late afternoon. "Thanks for letting us see them, Yamaguchi-kun."

"It's no problem. You can keep it, actually, if you like it so much. It's not like I'm running out of them or anything."

"No way! That feels kind of weird, to be honest. Besides, Yacchan told me about what was going on with your eyes. Aren't these the only things that you can see in color now?"

"Well… yeah, I guess. It's not that big of a deal, though."

"'Not that big a deal'? Of course it is––what are you talking about? I can't imagine what I'd do if all the colors the world suddenly went woosh ."

"I guess it was a little disconcerting."

"Woah, Kageyama was right––you really are so much smarter than us, Yamaguchi! What does 'disconcerting' mean?"

"No, no, you guys give me way too much credit. Tsukki actually taught me that word the last time we were studying together. It means causing one to feel unsettled ," he quotes, schooling his face into his best Tsukki-impression.

"Wow, you really do look like Tsukishima!"

"Ha, yeah, I suppose."

"I wonder why they're yellow," Hinata says suddenly, his attention pulling back to the glimmering stars in his hand. "I guess it's different for everyone, but I feel like if I had seireiheiki, mine might be orange or blue or something."

"I don't know why they're yellow. But I'm glad because it is a really pretty color. They remind me of stars."

"Stars?"

"Don't you think they look a little like stars?"

"Now that you mention it, that does make sense. Especially since your condition is called seireiheiki, anyways. But my first thought was that they kind of looked like fireflies since they're so small."

"I'd never really thought of that. I can see where you're coming from, though. But personally, I've always secretly called them 'stars' in my head."

"That's really pretty too, Yamaguchi! And it definitely does make sense, too." He deposits the little stars back into Yamaguchi's box, opting to sit cross-legged on the floor of Yamaguchi's bedroom. "I can't believe this is the first time I've been to your house!"

"Yeah, my mom will probably be pretty surprised too. I haven't really ever had anyone over except Tsukki."

"What? You should've told us! Let's invite Kageyama and Yacchan over next time too, okay? Oh, only if you're okay with that, Yamaguchi-kun. What do you think?"

"Yeah. I think I'd like that a lot, Hinata. Thanks for coming over today. It was nice to have someone to talk to about this. And I think you're really good at cheering people up."

Hinata laughs and nods in agreement. "Yacchan told me that the other day too! But don't discredit yourself, Yamaguchi. I think you always make the people around you happy. You're like a little sun! People can't help but notice you because you're so bright and happy and wahh !"

"Wah?"

"Yeah, wahhh . You know, just like that. And you always make me happy when I talk to you. Except for when you say really sad things about yourself. You shouldn't do that. None of those things are true, anyways."

"Wow… I've never thought of myself that way before. But I'm not sure you should be telling me that I'm like the sun, Hinata-kun."

"You know, you're actually really funny too, Yamaguchi-kun! And you can make jokes that aren't mean, unlike Tsukishima."

"Tsukki is funny," he protests.

"Tsukishima is only saying those things to make you laugh. I don't think he really cares how the rest of us feel."

"Why would he be trying to make me laugh?"

"…Because he's your best friend, isn't he? And best friends should always try to make each other laugh. Don't you like it when Tsukishima is laughing?"

Yamaguchi thinks about the few times he's seen Tsukki laughing––like, really really laughing––and realizes with a start that he was the one who caused most of those instances. He was the one who made those gold eyes crinkle at the corners in the softest, sweetest way most people would never get to see. He was the one who made the blush creep up the side of Tsukki's face, his ears turning red when he started laughing too hard. He was the one who made that violent, snarky mouth fall open and lose its ability to form any witty comebacks. Yes, he more than likes it when Tsukki is laughing, especially when it's for him. He starts to say "Yes", but the word sticks in his throat, and out of nowhere, it feels like the room is spinning. Or is he spinning?

"Yamaguchi? Are you okay?"

He blinks a few times, rubs his eyes, feels that familiar dryness that seems to bore into his eyes and the back of his head. "Hinata… I don't know what's going on," he says, even though he does have a pretty good guess of what's going on. His head hurts a lot, and even though he knows that Hinata's t-shirt says Karasuno High School , he can't make out the exact shapes of the letters. They just look like little black blobs.

"Should I call your mom?"

He sighs heavily, resting his head in his hands and closing his eyes so he doesn't have to see the new cruel trick his body is playing on him. What was the point of showing him such wonderful things his whole life if there were just going to be taken away eventually? "She's at work right now. She always says I shouldn't bother her. I'll be okay, Hinata. Don't worry."

"There you go again! Why are you always saying that, Yamaguchi? It's pretty clear that you're not okay at all."

The words feel like a slap across the face. He doesn't talk much to his mother because of her early morning and late night shifts, and Tsukki has never called him out on his bullshit so blatantly before. He didn't think anyone else knew him well enough to be able to say something like this.

"Can you please let me help you? I'll do whatever I can, but I can't do anything if you don't want me to help you."

Yamaguchi can't help but think that this response is so fitting for Hinata. With Yachi, Kageyama, Kenma, and countless others, just Hinata's presence and unwavering enthusiasm is often enough to change their minds about whatever they were hesitant about. It's actually his innocence and heartfelt sincerity that gets them to realize how trivial their problems truly were. He remembers asking Hinata to fix Tsukki during the Tokyo training camp last year, and Hinata saying he couldn't help someone who didn't want to be helped. But Tsukki did want to be helped. It was just hidden too far deep for anyone else to see. Has he become the same way now?

"I–I do want to get better, Hinata. I really do."

"Then tell me what's going on!"

"Okay. I think–I think that I'm going blind."

•

Telling Hinata ends up being a pretty good decision, after all. Of course he tells Yachi and Kageyama. Yamaguchi finds himself not really minding because it makes less people he has to come up with excuses for. The first person they decide to talk to after that is Ennoshita. Yamaguchi figures the captain would appreciate some early notice about his absence, rather than just assuming Yamaguchi is following in his footsteps and skipping out for the hell of it. Ennoshita… understands. They tell him just enough for him to back off on any questions, and he definitely can be trusted to keep the information confidential. (He tells the rest of the team that Yamaguchi is on "medical leave". The third years fuss and the first years are skeptical, but no one asks any more questions.)

Now comes the hardest part.

They have to come up with a lie to fool Tsukki.

"What's this about you not coming to practice? What's going on, Yamaguchi? I can't take this anymore." Tsukki's face is a messy blob, features distorted. (Is this what the world looks like when Tsukki doesn't have his glasses on? Minus the glaring lack of color, of course.)

"Oh, well, remember how I used to get asthma attacks a lot as a kid? It's coming back now, and okaa-san said I shouldn't push myself too hard, or it'll get worse. I already talked to Ennoshita-san about it, if that's what you're worried about."

"You know that wasn't what I was talking about. And asthma? Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm being very serious, Tsukki!"

Tsukki sighs. He makes a soft sound like he's about to say something, but Yamaguchi can't read his expression well enough to tell if that was a good something or a bad something. "Okay, Yamaguchi. I'll bring some food over tonight, if you want."

"That would be great, actually. Can you bring your English notes too? I need to copy down the lesson we learned in class today."

"What's wrong with your own notes? Weren't you listening in class?"

"I guess I was distracted again… Sorry, Tsukki! I promise it won't happen again." (That's such a blatant lie it makes him laugh a little inside. This is actually another problem, though; how is he going to keep going to school?)

"You need to take better care of yourself, Yamaguchi––and don't say sorry."

"Ah… okay, Tsukki, I'll do my best. Do you want me to wait for you after practice today?"

"…Yeah. I do."

"Okay, Tsukki!"

•

After school, Yamaguchi sits in the shade of the same ginkgo tree they frequent during lunch, trying his best to squint and finish up the math problems their teacher assigned today. Maybe if he gets glasses? But then again, if his eyes are only going to get worse, there'd be no point. On the other hand, he actually has cried in a few days. Maybe it's because he's been hanging out with Hinata and Yachi more, but he's been feeling better overall. He doesn't want to give up on Tsukki, but he can't deny that having other things to think about has been helping a lot.

When practice ends, he walks over to the volleyball gym, waiting outside for Tsukki, and it feels like any other day. Tanaka whacks him on the back (with love) and Noya punches him in the arm, hard enough to bruise. Kinoshita and Narita just apologize on behalf of the other two, before hurrying off into the dimming light. Tsukki comes out of the gym, dressed neatly back in his school clothes. He's one of the only ones who bother changing out of his exercise clothes after practice.

On the walk home, Yamaguchi still feels the itch to reach out for Tsukki's hand, still wants to stop them both in their tracks and let his feelings out, but he restrains himself. It is a little bit easier since focusing too hard on Tsukki's blurry face makes his already aching eyes hurt even more. However, he still does try to soak this moment in, like he does with every moment with Tsukki. After all, if this is the best it's ever going to be again, he should try his best to enjoy it. In the end, a grey Tsukki is a thousand times better than no Tsukki at all.

"Yamaguchi… Can I ask you something?"

"That's a weird question, Tsukki! Like, you already asked me something right there."

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki!"

Tsukki sighs, slowing his steps until he's walking in line with Yamaguchi. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't know why I said it."

"That's okay. What were you going to ask me?"

"Have you ever… liked someone?"

"Tsukki! Where did that come from?" he blurts before he can control himself.

"Yamaguchi."

"Sorry! But really, why are you asking me this?"

Tsukki sighs. "Yamaguchi, you're the only person in my life I'd ever feel comfortable talking about this with. You know how hard this is for me."

"Yeah, I do. And I–I have liked someone, I guess."

"Really?"

"Really."

"How could you tell?"

They've arrived at Yamaguchi's house now. When Yamaguchi unlocks the door, Tsukki steps inside immediately, removing his shoes and slinging off his backpack, all pretenses of "bringing over food" long forgotten. Yamaguchi takes the opportunity to stall his answer, making himself busy with closing and locking the door, then taking off his own shoes and backpack. "Do you want some snacks or anything Tsukki?" he calls from the kitchen.

"I'm not hungry. Let's go to your bedroom." When they both pad into the familiar room, Yamaguchi can't help but notice that it smells like eucalyptus and mint almost as much as Tsukki's room does. (Okay, so maybe he bought a bottle of hand soap with the same scent. Maybe he uses it a little too much and now has dry hands. So what?) "So, how could you tell?" Tsukki asks, as soon as Yamaguchi shuts the door.

In this moment, Yamaguchi wishes more than anything that he could see . Is Tsukki blushing? Where are his eyes looking? Is he smiling? Or maybe even frowning? "I think it was more of a gradual thing. Not a sudden realization." Tsukki hums in understanding, taking his usual seat on the floor. Yamaguchi joins him. It is a little weird to be talking about this with Tsukki himself, but the process is kind of cathartic. Maybe this can be his convoluted way of finally confessing, and he can come to terms with this crush. "I'm not really sure when it happened, but I started to think about them a lot. Like… a lot . It was pretty bad. But I think I knew when I couldn't imagine them being with anyone else. I tried thinking about what it would be like if they started dating someone, and of course I would want to be supportive, but I don't know if I'd actually be able to do that or not. It'd just hurt too much."

Tsukki is silent, legs folded up to his chest, rather than crossed beneath him. "Can you go on? I'm still not sure if I get it."

Okay, this is definitely getting weird, but he can't help but want to say more. Tsukki's so smart, so maybe he'll figure it out without Yamaguchi having to outright say anything. Besides, at this point, it's too late to go back. "Sure, Tsukki. I started noticing little things about them too, like when they were sad, or when something made them nervous. And I wanted to help them. When they were upset, I wanted them to feel better. And I always felt really proud whenever I got them to smile. I actually found myself waiting the whole day to talk to them, which is kind of pathetic." He laughs a little at himself, rubbing the back of his neck.

"It's not pathetic," Tsukki murmurs.

"What was that?"

"I said, it's not pathetic. The way you feel."

"Oh, if you say so, Tsukki. Does that make more sense to you now?"

"I think so. The reason that it was confusing to me is because this is pretty much how I've felt about you my whole life."

"…What–?"

"I've always wanted to… protect you? Sorry, I know that sounds weird, but I did like it when you asked me for help, and I was always okay with helping you. I've never thought about you dating someone else, but now that you mention it, I don't think I'd like it very much either."

"Tsukki, I––"

"And you know I like spending time with you, right?" Tsukki clicks his tongue at Yamaguchi's blank stare, muttering, "Of course you don't, dumbass. Well, I do. I like being around you. And I like being able to make you laugh, too. I noticed that you only laugh like that around Hinata and Yachi-san now, which is a little disappointing. I'm sorry I can't make you as happy as they do anymore."

"Tsukki, what are you saying?"

"I think I'm saying that I like you. Sorry it's so abrupt like this, but I think I'm only realizing it now myself."

"Tsukki––" he whispers, falling to his knees on the floor. He covers his face with his hands, vision going from blurry shades of grey to full-on black. "What–what are you talking about? You don't like me–you can't like me––"

"I understand why you're rejecting me, of course. You already have someone in mind, like you said, and I'm not going to pretend to know what the position I'm putting you in feels like, but I want you to know that I'd never get in the way of you and Yachi-san––"

"It's not about Yacchan! It never was!"

"What?"

"It's you, Tsukki. It's always been you." He's crying now, unable to hold back any longer. The tears slip from his cheeks like shooting stars, clink ing against the hardwood. "I don't understand how you can say this because I've been hurting all this time, but it's always only ever been you." His breathing is uneven, gasps getting caught in his throat as he chokes out words that aren't enough to encompass the many, many feelings that are swirling around inside of him right now.

"Is that… is that seireiheiki…?"

Yamaguchi just nods, dropping more golden crystals onto the ground and not even bothering to wonder how Tsukki knows about this disease (Tsukki knows everything). Understanding blooms in Tsukki's eyes, but Yamaguchi can't see it. He also can't see the way Tsukki's whole face crumples in on itself once he finally understands ––the lack of sleep, the pulling away, the hiding in the bathroom––it all makes sense now. And it was his fault the whole time.

"Yamaguchi––" he whispers, reaching out to tug on the other boy's wrists. "I–I'm so sorry."

Yamaguchi just shakes his head, the motion accompanied by the crystalline sound of stars hitting the floor. "It's my fault."

"It's not, Yamaguchi. I can't believe I've been so stupid this whole time. It's not your fault. Please, please don't cry."

Tsukishima could scream. Each little sound is like a hammer against his chest, pounding his entire body flat and saying look what you've done to him . So this whole time, everyone was right after all. All the horrible things they thought, that Tsukishima had hurt Yamaguchi, had been ignoring Yamaguchi and treating him so much worse than what he deserved––turns out he had proved them all right.

Pathetic .

He's pathetic .

He just tried to confess to his best friend who's now sobbing his eyes out and probably losing his sight too, all because of him. He feels like the worst fucking person in the entire world right now.

"I–I'm okay, though, Tsukki. You–you don't have to… have to worry… a–about me."

"Yamaguchi," he pleads. "Stop saying that. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault." He has to do something. He needs to suck it up and help his best friend or none of this will ever be fixed, and Yamaguchi will go completely blind, and he'll have to live knowing he's the one who did this. Tsukishima reaches out again, pulls Yamaguchi flush against his chest. After a brief struggle that can't really be defined as one, Yamaguchi relaxes in his arms. Tsukishima just tightens his hold, pressing his nose into Yamaguchi's soft hair. "You're not okay, but I'll help you get there. I promise." Yamaguchi smells soft, like lavender and pine (kind of a weird shampoo combination, but he's not one to judge). "I–I like you. I like you, Yamaguchi, and I'm so sorry it took me this long to figure it out. And I'll spend the rest of my life––the rest of our lives––making sure you know that, if you'll let me."

Yamaguchi's tears are digging into his chest––hard, rather than soft, which is extremely disconcerting. It hurts, every heave of Yamaguchi's chest and shake of his shoulders is another reminder of what an incredibly shitty person he is, but he tells himself to stand firm and just keep holding this beautiful boy in his arms. Suddenly, he feels a warm wetness against his neck, right where Yamaguchi's face is pressed. Apparently Yamaguchi feels it too because he suddenly pulls away, removing himself from Tsukishima's embrace.

"Yamaguchi," he begins carefully, "Are you crying?"

Wiping at his face and observing the water droplets stained on his hands, Yamaguchi nods in affirmation. "Well, I've been crying for the last fifteen minutes, but yes, thanks for noticing, Tsukki."

Tsukishima barks out a surprised laugh, sitting back against Yamaguchi's bed. "What… what does this mean?"

"I think… I think it means that I'm okay?"

Yamaguchi is still staring at his hand, the other pressed to a spot on his face just beneath his left eye. Tsukishima looks at those tearstained freckles, then again at the floor, where the pile of golden crystals is now slightly wet. "You–your sight was… affected, right? I don't know that much about seireiheiki, but I think that's what's supposed to happen."

"…Yeah. It was."

"…And how is it now?"

Yamaguchi blinks a few times, then rubs his eyes for a long moment. When he finally opens them again, his expression doesn't change. "Everything looks the same."

"The same?"

"As in, there's really nothing there at all."

That statement swings into his chest like a wrecking ball, breaking down the last wall of hope he had held onto. Even with the seireiheiki cured, Yamaguchi's vision still won't come back?

"Actually, it's not exactly the same."

A sliver of hope slides back inside of him.

"You look… brighter, somehow." Yamaguchi blinks again, grinding the palms of his hands against his face. He closes his eyes for longer now, then opens them slowly. "Yeah," he says, the beginnings of a smile slipping onto his face. He rubs away the last of the water-tears. "I think I got my color back."

"That's amazing, Yamaguchi." (Does he have the right to say that when he was the reason Yamaguchi lost his color in the first place? Out of everyone he knows, everyone he's ever met, Tsukishima thinks that Yamaguchi is the last person who should have that brightness and light taken out of his life.) "Is it still blurry though?"

"…Yeah."

"Oh. Maybe it'll just take some time to come back, like the color?"

"Maybe, Tsukki, but I don't think it'll be too bad if it never comes back. I'll have you to help me now, so I think it'll be okay."

They sit in silence for what feels like ages, but also no time at all. Tsukishima feels a little bad admiring Yamaguchi so intently when the other boy can't even see him properly, but it's the first time he's ever bothered looking this closely. It's… different, to say the least, but not unwelcome. He debates on whether or not he should apologize again, but everything he's said so far has been more emotionally draining than the last three weeks combined, and he's honestly pretty tired right now.

"Tsukki?"

"Hm?"

"Does this mean that you don't hate me?"

"Yamaguchi, no offense, but what the fuck. Why would you ever think I hate you?"

"You've just been so quiet lately––even more than normal––and when we're at lunch you always seem like you'd rather be anywhere else. I don't want to force you to have to spend time with me, and I know I can get kind of annoying when I start rambling…"

"Okay, yes, I am a little annoyed during lunch, but that's not because of you. You already know how I feel about Hinata and Kageyama, and Yachi-san is starting to become a little too influenced by them. You too. You sound like Hinata sometimes, and it's really weird."

"Oh, sorry, Tsukki!"

"You don't have to keep doing that, by the way. I know it's kind of our thing, but you don't have to apologize for every little thing. It's okay, since it's you."

Yamaguchi finally looks up straight at him, blushing fiercely. "Okay then, Tsukki." They lapse into another comfortable silence, the first one in what feels like forever. "Can we date?"

"…"

"Sorry, you don't have to answer that––"

"I thought it was a given that we'd date after this? We both like each other, don't we? Do you still like me, Yamaguchi? It's okay if you don't."

"Oh, yeah, we do. I mean, yes, I still do like you, Tsukki! I like you more than anything!"

"Then that's pretty easy, right?" Yamaguchi is being so unmanageably sweet it almost sickens him. (Almost.)

"…But what about your parents and our classmates? What are they going to think?"

"I didn't say we were going to go shouting this information from the rooftops of the school, Yamaguchi. We don't have to be loud about it. I don't really like the idea of the rest of our school knowing about my personal life either. I'm okay if it's just you."

"Okay," Yamaguchi says, smiling fully now. "Are we okay?"

"We're okay."

(They are okay.)

•

"Good morning, Tsukki!"

"'Morning."

Tsukishima would like to say he's doing better. Every time he looks into Yamaguchi's eyes and the other boy isn't looking back, he reminds himself that he has years and years to make up for. He slips his gloved hand into Yamaguchi's, squeezes briefly, and then pulls him along the lightly snow-covered path to school.

"Be careful, okay? It's slippery today. I can't have you dying on me now."

"Because my broken skull would be too hard to clean up?"

"Yes. No, because I'd miss you, dumbass."

"Aww, Tsukki!"

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Not sorry, Tsukki!"

"Would you ever get sick of me, Tsukki?"

"…I can't believe you're asking me this again."

"It's just, I've liked you for a really long time, but you've only just––"

"Yamaguchi, I literally cannot imagine my life without you, okay?"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

•

"Tsukki, have I ever told you that you're, like, the entire galaxy to me?"

"Then you're every star in my sky, Tadashi."

•

A/N: like i said, the slowest burn ever. i got a little self indulgent with the ending, but they did deserve to be happy. especially yams. tsukishima kei is Bad At Feelings.

a few things. firstly, if you'd like to search up the orpheus/eurydice myth, it's actually really interesting, and you can probably see why i chose the lyra constellation for that one part :,).

also, yachi actually does have different colored star-shaped hair clips! she's always wearing them as far as we can see, and they do change colors between episodes. she's the cutest :,).

AND! furudate said that tsukishima was created as a foil character for hinata (hence the moon/sun dichotomy), but that tsukishima's given name (kei) meant firefly, proving that he was still capable of producing his own light.

(((headcanon that tsukki knew about star tears because he also read some shoujo manga. that's all.)))

thank you all for reading! 3